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2004 4 July :: 10.08am
im so sad for you.. you dont realize how much you're screwing up your entire life do you?
i never knew you were like that...
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2004 4 July :: 12.59am
mreh.....
i worked at cindys tonight... CURSE all you people who go to ice cream shops, order, wait in long lines, and then get angry with the girls inside.
ITS HARD WORK! tonight we had like a zillion orders and there was only 3 of us, and this crazy man ordered a hot fudge sunday... but he wanted it made with strawberry flaverburst ice cream, and he wanted not just hot fudge, but strawberrys on it too, and whip cream and cherry, but no nuts.... that is JUST the sunday from hell... ORDER NORMAL! gahhhhh... so our flavorburst is all soft and when i put more in the cup for the top it got all tipsy and leaned all over onto the side of the sunday dish... which made it impossible to not make a mess putting more hot fudge and strawberrys on.... so after all this rotten stupid work i brought it to the guy who had been watching me by sticking his fat ugly head through the window and telling me "his ice cream was gonna melt" he looked at it as i told him our flavorburst is soft and im sorry that it was tipsy... and then he has the nerve to say "well i would have thought you would have done it differently, but sure ok"..... SCREW you ugly ice cream man! *growls obscenities.......
and this girl that i work with is all like... ooohh, im pretty, look at me swish my blonde pony tail and whispy bangs...... and then she makes me feel like a moron constantly.. because i dont know.. she just does... and *cries...* tonight sucked. i made a sandwhich there and i DIDNT even get to finish it. we were to busy doing our *jobs*. it was just sad.. and i just thought that i would vent.
and at arbys yesterday while this old impatient woman with a crazy hand was watching me make a marketfresh, i cut it in half, pulled the knife out of the sandwhich, and in turn.. pulled the sandwhich with it.. right onto the floor..... STUPID people and their going to arbys.. we were all busy there yesterday too. there ARE other places to get greasy food in cedar you know... ok so its not greasy... but gahhhh...
and gahhhh.. i forgot to wash my arbys uniform which i need for tomorrow, which i dont have time to wash tomorrow because im gonna be working at cindys, which means i must go downstairs, retrieve it, walk ALL the way back upstairs, and remember to dry it tomorrow. *whines...... I DONT WANT TO WORK EVER........
and my hotmail wont work, because this computer sucks....
and you irritate me with your antics that i dont understand and your grey, black and whitish that i dont understand... and your "I HATE YOU" attitude that you give me spiratically... but you dont, but WHY must you do that thing that you do that i dont even know what you're doing how you do it when you're doing it..... GAHHHHH.
tomorrows the 4th.. everyone seems excited, i dont really care. fireworks, YAY. how fun and exciting... last year becky and i watched them in disney world, now this year i am at a lack of beckyness.. and a lack of "the happiest place on earth" and a lack of all other random words that i could place in this sentence, and all i see tomorrow as is another day of work, another day of stress, another day of lackage of sleepage, and still im stuck on the whole... WHAT THE FUCK... why are you smoking pot you fucking moron... you make me so ANGRY, you and your smoking of the pot.......
what am i talking about.. i just dont know. i need sleep....
AND I CANT WATCH ANY SOAPS.. and this greatly affects me.. because i work during the day, and we DONT get soapnet.. what crazy tv is this.. that doesnt get soap net.... i need my GH to live.. i mean.. i am just ALL lost on the whole sam thing.. and sonny and carly.. whats going on.. i just dont know....
oooohhh friends is on.. thats fun.
poor phoebe.. she just lost her "sexy flem" and most likely none of you know what im talking about.. only loyal friends fans will reckognize that episode... or maybe not.. i dooonnnnt knoooowww.
i cant go to church tomorrow because... i get tired of talking about it, so im just not.. and assume you know what dreadfull place im going to.......... and my missions trip is in like... soon. and random church goers make me angry because they get angry with me missing it, and im just DOING the best i can with this awful schedual that i have........ *prays....
see.. i can still do it.
amen.. see there... i remember.
im not all awful yet.... i ________ (place rest of sentence there.. im just to tired to think up something witty)
and why havent you called me... i guess theres my answer......... i guess i was right.
and WHO called me twice today on my cell phone.. because it didnt ring up a number.. and im pretty sure you hung up on me, and that irritates me. blehhh.
i dont wanna wash my face.. that involves effort. eeewwww im lazy...
LSKDJL:kfjaldksfjasldfjk uniform.. damn it. i dont want to.. come over here and do my laundry.
STACY AND LISA... you need to materialate yourselves (i dont know what that means either) because i miss you... and i miss us being stupid like i so plainly am still capable of doing... i love you guys..... *tears up.
why do i use these stupid stars (*) so stupid much. *laughs *cries *tears up *hugs......... MREH... look at me, im a loser who expresses actions online.... i dont care.. its fun.... errmm yes.
try saying mreh.. it sounds funny.. comon say it.. MR-EH..... *says it.
beckys sleeping, and then shes going.. and that makes me sad. I LURVE you becky lee.
ok, enough of that.
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2004 3 July :: 12.14am
tonight was a good night. after i got out of work i came home and quickly got "freshend" up.. which.. how are you supposed to clean up quickly after working 8 hours in a fast food resturant.. THANK YOU. anyways.. so then we got there around 9, and we're walking around.. knowing NOBODY.... and then we come around the corner and see like, cedar alley... lol. ok that was gay.. but really.. it was just everyone form cedar. we saw jenna, and jess, and dan, and courtney, and other people.. but i think those are the only ones who matter... lol.
I LOVE YOU JESS
I LOVE YOU JENNA
i dont know you courtney... but what the heck.. I LOVE YOU TOO!
I LOVE YOU BRANDI!
and dan... SURE, I LOVE YOU TOO!
i just love... mmm hmmm. man im tired.. and stupid... and ya know.. i never have to get drunk... i can just wait until 2 in the morning.. or in this case 12:10 (wow, im such and old woman. its like... is it 9 ALREADY! *giggles)
so tonight was so much fun.. i got asked for my number... and that was kind of neat... its like... oh yeah, i've still got it. well ok, maybee it doesnt quite count since this person always asks me for my number and i've dated him 3 times.. BUT STILL!
i have to work at cindys tomorrow.. im gonna be so worn out... now i have my schedual up till July 11th.. and i work so far.. every day up until then.. and thats only cuz thats the farthest i have my scheduals till. its to much! lots of days i work double shifts.. one at cindys, one at arbys.. and today i just had a LONG shift at arbys....
not to mention noone visits me at either place... come to cindys and buy ice cream! i can see you.. and be like.. awww.. you love me... and why deny me of such a special moment?
i think im gonna go... mac n cheese... *rubs belly.
lol.. belly.... ahhhh, too fun.
beckys leaving me... what am i gonna do....
im already suffering from withdrawl.... *naws off hand.
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2004 1 July :: 8.24pm
i just got home, and my mom isnt here.. and that really irritates me for some reason.. yet im not sure why......
today at work i got the whole "great job erika, you're doing great" thing about a thousand times, and i wont lie... it felt gooooooooood.
tomorrow i work at arbys for 7 and 1/2 hours... thats a long day. and saturday i work at cindys 11-4:30 and at arbys 5-8:30....... im so exhausted all the time.... but hopefully i'll get payed, and then i'll get a car.. well. i WILL get payed.. *laughs. awwwwhmmm i amuse myself when im tired.
i spent the night at beckabooboppers last night, and we stayed up late watching will and grace.. until my twitchings overcame me, and then there was that whole.... "im gonna go to sleep" and my bodys all like... "im gonna violently shake you awake" and then there was the whole... whoooaaaa did you feel that? so that was fun...
and then today, OH today... what a today it was too.... we just got so much accomplished.. im proud. really i am. *tears up.
our schmorgesboard is gonna be SO groovular.. yes, i said groovular.... yeaaah, yeeaaaaah... what, what.
*becky... come save me from my own moronicness.......
is that a word? *ponders.
no, i dont think it is.
EALKdjf;alsdkjfl;asdkjf... i need to shower.
and eat bannanas with johnny depps penis... hmmmmm.
*giggles.
*becky* "hello mr. weckerly........ "
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2004 29 June :: 10.11am
CORRECTION TO MY LAST UPDATE
ok, in my last update, i said the only good part about that day was watching GH.. BUT.. i stand sadly mistaken.....
the BEST part of my day was seeing my dear dear best friend Rouxi after a week went by.. WITHOUT US SEEING EACHOTHER!
*gasp.. is that even possible?
i think it is.. because it happend.... but damn it.... why.. whyyyyy must we do this to our selves..... *bangs head against wall.
so in regards to my last entry... Becky dear.. you were right, and you WERE the best part of my day.
*cries
*hugs you
*FYI- my hotmail and msn dont work on this computer for some odd reason.. so i cant get on anything except AOL... if you have AOL and care to chat with me, my screen name is soul confinement. (im not just avoiding you all... although, not a bad idea.... te he he.. JK.)
CORRECTION TO BECKABOOS LAST UPDATE: IN HER LAST UPDATE SHE STATED THAT I LOVE JOHNNY ALMOST AS MUCH AS SHE DOES. NOW DEAR, YOU ARE MISTAKEN.... sadly MISTAKEN. WE LOVE HIM EQUAL, AND SOME DAY, WE WILL HAVE HIS BABYS (at the same time.... *giggles)
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2004 28 June :: 4.22pm
now you know that you cant walk all over me like other people let you... if you like me, then you treat me exactly how I want you to.. and if you dare lie to me, or tell me that im the one whos misunderstood again... then fuck you. you're the one who cant keep your lies straight to everyone... and leave MY friends alone... just because you dwell on "getting people going" doesnt mean they want any part of it.
im tired.
im in a bad mood.
i JUST got home from arbys.
now i have to go to cindys.
*cries.
the only good part about today was watching GH inbetween jobs... what would i do without my soaps.... *doesnt know.
"friends let you use their phone, BEST friends let you wear their underwear."
lol.. i thought it was funny.
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2004 27 June :: 7.01pm
:: Music: dashboard
i havent gotten a chance to update at all.. and i have SOO much to update about. so if you dont want a minute by minute account of my life, dont read this entry.
ok. so the yearbook thing. more fun then i've had in such a long time! it was so great. we all had to meet at the school at like 5:45 thursday morning... and then we went to yipsilanti which is about 2 1/2 hours away. it was me, jenna, anthony, chad, and mr. stark. i dont think we could have had a funner group of people.. considering we were the school with the least ammount of people. anyways, so we get there (to the hotel where the convention is being held) and its so nice. it has conference rooms everywhere... its just awesome. and we have this big intro meeting in the main room, this room had like 4 HUGE chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. and they gave us free breakfast, lunch, and dinner. and GUESS who's parents and sister headed up the ENTIRE convention? BACHELOR BOB!!! from the ABC show... the bachelor. lol.. obviously. and maybe you dont know.. but im obsessed with EVERY season.. and bob was my favorite. i loved him when he was on Tristas bachelorett, and then when he was on his own. so that was exciting. we went to two classes that his dad was teaching! and friday morning his mom came up to me and jenna to say good morning, and she looked at me and was like... " you have the prettiest smile, you're just always smiling." and i was all like... *gasp... that was bobs mom! lol. but anyways.. thursday night bob put on a free concert... and we knew about that from earlier that day, which put us in a frenzy alone, but i didnt have a camera. so we went out to the van and mr. stark was gonna bring us to find one, but the battery was dead... so me and jenna walked down to the entrance of the hotel, across the highway and down this huge hill.. which is exactly where this guy told us to go. when we got down the hill there was like nothing around but car dealerships.. and occasional scary cars who couldnt do anything but stare at us.. and to make matters worse... it started raining. lol. AND there wasnt even a gas station down there, and HE said there was supposed to be two. so we went back to the hotel and got all ready for THE BIG CONCERT..... *giggles. when we finally got in the tent we could see him, and it was sooo cool! and i was thinking wouldnt it be cool if Rebecca was here... because Rebecca Budig is "Greenli" on All My Children.. and i LOVE All My Children.. i've been watching for years.. and Greenli has always been one of my FAVORITE charactors.. well Rebecca and Bon are engaged.... (i already knew that... pshh.. i keep up on my soap stars and bachelors.. lol) so THEN i see this girl run up to him and he hugs her.. and im like.. could it be.... and then she turns around....... and omg... i freaked out.. i was like.. *makes huge gasping noise* it was soooooo cool. it was her!!!!! *screams. so i get out my phone and call my mom because she loves her too.. and i was like.. "you will NEVER guess who's here!" she was already jealous because i was seeing bob, but when she found out about greenli... ohhhhhhh. and then im talking to my mom for awhile and i look over and she's standing like, RIGHT next to me. i could have fainted. she was SELLING T-shirts for bob! this huge star and she's selling concert shirts for her fiance! so i went over to her and asked her to sign something for me, and she did, asked me if i watched the show.. i said yes... and then jenna took a picture of us with her camera.. but her camera had no flash.. so odds are it wouldnt turn out. at least we tried.... then we watched the concert.. which was awesome.. and hes so funny.... he was hilarious on the show but i wasnt sure if he would be in person.. but HE WAS. after the show he stayed after to sign autographs and take pictures.. and there was 200 people max there, so you can imagine how close to the stage we were. so we were in line waiting to meet him and Rebecca was still over there selling T-shirts and i was almost more excited about her, because i get ALL wrapped up in soap operas and such... and on top of THAT we were meeting BACHELOR BOB! *giggles again..... me and jenna were bouncing off the walls.. it was so funny. we're such nerds! and anyways, this lady behind us was started talking to us and i just kept teling jenna i just wanted to go over and talk to greenli.. i was like.. i just want to talk to her! and the lady behind us asked if we wanted her to take our picture with her, and i was like.... "our camera doesnt have flash, so i doubt it'll turn out, plus we already tried!" and she was like... "no i mean i'll take a picture with MY camera and then i'll email it to you." i was just like... are you serious! it was soooo cool! so she took my picture with Rebecca and after she took my picture and stayed and talked to her for like FIVE minutes! *dies. dies again. breaks out in tears.* im not exagerating either.. we had an ACTUAL conversation! and she's so nice! we talked all about the show, and i told her that when Leo died i cried for her because she was sad, and she was like, aww you're so sweet. and then she told me that she cried that whole last day she got to work with him because she was so sad. and she told me about how she had become really good friends with _______ the actress who played anna devain.... and i dont know... we just talked about stuff like that. and just normal stuff.. it was so exciting! so after that we got back in line and we finally got up to bob HE DID THE LAUGH.. if you know bob from the bachelor, you KNOW what laugh im talking about. its so funny. so we got his autograph and the lady behind us took all kinds of candid pictures and then a regular picture... i told him that i watched both seasons of the bachelor and that i loved all my children.. lol. and that was about it... he was so nice too! after we left the tent the concert was in.. we were still so _____ (place adjective for excited here) that there was no way were gonna go back to our room.. it was about 10:00.. we found anthony and chad, but they had found themselves some desperate whores, so we decided to go swimming instead... and that was fun. and after that we wandered the hotel because we were bored and we wanted mini-muffins, but failed to find any.... PLUS.... we knew where bob and rebeccas room was, someone told us, it was on the 6th floor with huge double doors, so we walked by there quite a few times. lol... when we finally went back to our room our roomates had been there for awhile, so we talked to them, they were really nice... LOL.. TALK about first impressions! *winks at jenna* *laughs. we rented Starsky and Hutch off the tv because we could rent movies for free... but we fell asleep before it was done... i made it just after the "dragon" part. lol. the next day we had breakfast and stuff.. and more classes. which were really neat.. we learned SO much, and we're so excited about yearbook next year.. me and jenna are the editors, and we plan to make out book the best it can possibly be. we have so many awesome ideas! FYI: our cover kicks ass. So it was a good day, no bob, but it was good. regardless we were still surrounded by his family, and they're all so nice and fun to be around. we talked to his mom, dad, and sister quite a few times too. and BECAUSE we're such nerds, we went to the hotel gift shop and bought thank you cards and filled them out for Bob and Rebecca and Bob and Nora (they're bobs parents) and after noras last class we went in there and gave her the cards and she read hers and hugged us both like twice and told us she loved us and that she was gonna "just treasure these cards, just treasure them" we told her how much we appreciated all the work they put into the convention and how much fun we had. we talked to her for 5 to 10 minutes just the three of us.. it was really cool. shes such a sweet lady, the kind you just want to take home with you and call grandma... lol. we went to the last big meeting in "chandeliere" room and then we left. it was sad to leave.. we didnt want to... but all of us were so incredibly tired. that was that... and wow was it fun.... TWO of my favorite daytime stars.... and I MET them! Talk about an awesome experience.... learned a load about yearbook, met so many amazing people.... and "bonded" with jenna.. i love her. shes so fun! Lol... and now we know what nerds we both are! we were both nervous to go, because we didnt know eachother, but not once was it weird.. it was soooo cooooool!!!! *screams for the millionth time.
when we FINALLY got back to school at around 5:30 my mom picked me up and we went straight to VBS, it was the last night. i didnt even have to go.. but i did, because i wanted to. me and alyssa were in charge of the K- 1st graders..... which is hard work.. and this evil lady yelled at us.. it really ticked me off. she hadnt been there any other night for VBS and then she has the balls to yell at me and alyssa for "not helping Jill and the kids play simon says" for crying out loud.. SIMON SAYS.. how hard is that. not to mention we had been the ones in charge of it the last 4 nights of vbs.. we just had them play that in the extra 5 minutes of snack time.... so we're sitting on the ground talking.. and this god awful woman comes over and says "you girls need to get up and participate with those kids, in alaska you're not going to have a jill to do everything for you" i looked at her like, are you fricking kidding me? so we just stand behind them all and finally alyssa says to me.. what are we supposed to do.. i mean comon.. they're JUST playing simon says! we were so mad... and then this bratty little boy was like... "i dont know how to play simon says..." after they had been playing for like 5 minutes and that same stupid woman was like... "why dont you ask erika and alyssa to help you" and then she pushes us towards them and says... "there.. now you have something to do" and she's saying all this in the cockiest, meanest tone....... i looked at her and was like.. "we've been doing this for the last four days" and she gave me THE LOOK for like 5 seconds and then was like "this is your training for alaska.. alot of people have put in alot of effort to even make it possible for you to go, you better act like you appreciate it." i COULD NOT believe she said that to me.. i was soooooo furious.. you cant even imagine. WHOS put in all the effort? i've raised all my money, i've been at almost ALL the trainings and meetings and work projects...... and some cocky bitch thinks she has the right to say something like that.... talk about wanting to hit somebody. i dont care who it is, including an adult from our church, i dont just pretend its ok when someones rude to me, and i definately got my opinion of her across....... then i was afraid to tell my mom because i thought she'd be mad at me for talking back to that lady, and my mom was furious.. like how dare here talk to me like that. i think it was a mix of things. i had JUST gotten back from being away for 2 days, i was exhausted, i didnt even have a chance to go home... and not to mention all MY effort i've put into this trip.... *gahhhhhhhhh* sorry, i just had to update about that... it seriously made me me so mad that i started crying.. yeah.. i know... pathetic, but i think it was just everything ontop of everything else. my life is crazy as it is.. and not to mention i was so tired and exhausted.............. *forgets about it. im gonna talk to jeff and carrie.. im so frustrated with so many things having to do with people at church. theres at least 7 people who just tick me off. and that woman... shes just the kind that scares nice people away because fat woman like that think they own the church, and you're just AWFUL if you dont do as much as they do... well SORRY.. some people have lives other then church....... not that its a bad thing... but still.... i do my best. and im sick and TIRED of people not acknoledging that. i know im gonna hear about it because i didnt go to church this morning.. i HAD TO WORK..... and i dont have to expaine that to everyone... ALKSDFj'asdfklaj;sk......
anyways.. i know this entry was long.. but this IS my journal.. and MY account of things that have happend.. i want to know and remember things that happend to me.. its my journal, not yours... some people cant grasp that..... so im sorry if you read the WHOLE thing and now want to complaine about it... did someone make you read it? mm hmmmmm.......
i got the swiss army romance cd (dashboard) its really good, and im yet to get the secret window..... but my first priority is a car. i've figured it out.. and SO FAR this summer, after next summer.. i will have made 498 dollars.. which is alot.. so that makes me happy. or maybe it was 398.. either way.. it makes me happy... take that lazy teenagers.. im working two jobs, and being all churchy and stuff.... dont complaine to ME about being overworked... yesterday i worked from 11-9...... my feet ache.. my sides for some reason ached.. i just ache. all. over.
but thats about all i have energy to type right now.. and my moms having a hernia because i wont get off...... so i suppose i will.
Ok, so top my last few days... Bachelor Bob, Greenli, stressed to tears, bratty kindergardeners, working all day multiple times, and new dashboard... mwah ha ha.. how DO i do it.
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2004 23 June :: 4.30pm
hmmm... well thats one way to look at it.
i guess i'm just not worth it right? its easy to deny me isnt it?
i should just let you walk over me shouldnt i? because thats what you're used to... is it not?
you'll regret crossing me like this....
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2004 23 June :: 2.15pm
i think im finally starting to understand.....
they were right about you werent they?
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2004 22 June :: 8.40pm
vbs went good tonight. a little girl gave me the friendship bracelet that they all made. it was sweet. me and alyssa are in charge of kindergarden through 1st grade.... its amazing how cute some of them are.... but sometimes i just want to inform them that i only have 2 hands, therefore they cant ALL hold them at the same time. lol.
i didnt sing tonight... mwah ha ha ha... hows THAT for thinking for myself.
saturday im supposed to have missions trip training from 1 till 9.... but i have to work from 11-10.... i hope jeffs not to mad... im gonna completely miss it.
this summer is all work for me. *tear.
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2004 21 June :: 12.46pm
todays brandi's birthday.. and she's not even here for me to maul her and tell her happy birthday.... *sudden sadness over comes me.
ah well... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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2004 19 June :: 8.19am
last night was stacys bon fire.. that went good, except for random morons and their stupid randomness... wait.
no. ok fine. stacy, im leaving, because the music SUCKS! and that just TOTALLY makes or breaks a party... well, no, i should rephrase, it didnt suck. i would just rather stab a fork in my eye and feed it to my dog. *smiles.
some people arent even worth a giggle. *shakes head.
theres nothing i love more then going to sleep at 3, and waking up at 7. just gives me some sort of high.... riiight.
im gonna be so busy the next week.
next week is VBS at church, and i have to help out at that, its a sort of training for the missions trip.
the 24th and 25th i have a yearbook thing to go to.. its overnight, where... i forget.
i guess it doesnt sound like much, but it is damn it.
i would LOVE it if i could start working at arbys.... its like... "you're hired" (80 years later)... "your first day is this next friday."
that'd suck to be that old..... *shudders.
i have to be to work in a WHOLE 3 hours... i just dont know if i have time to get ready. hmm...
its nice working at cindys cuz we dont have to wear anykind of uniform, and we can eat food all day... like ice cream.... *licks lips. at arbys we get 50%.. that just sucks. seems how becky works at mcdonalds and gets a free lunch. tisk tisk....
its cold... really really cold.
i have no life.
MISHY was at stacys party... i couldnt have been happier. *tears.. i love her sooo much.
i was gonna end my entry with the whole... i have no life, but then i found the dire need to express my love for mishy, and then i found the need to explain why i didnt end it how intentionally i was going to end it, so now i've decided to leave you in an udder sence of confusion.. thinking im a moron.
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2004 18 June :: 4.14pm
it is HOT.
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2004 18 June :: 1.34am
It's Saras birthday!!! woot woot!
*hugs her.
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2004 17 June :: 4.13pm
on a side note.....
ajsdlk;fjasd;gkljadflkjafsdgklajsdfgklja;sdflgjka;l
*screams.. GAHHH
fuck you.
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2004 17 June :: 4.05pm
tomorrow's my friend sara's birthday, so im going over there tonight. i miss that girl.
im sad though, me n jess were gonna hang out.... *tear.
i desperatly want the outkast cd... thats sad right? but i like them..... mm hmm. *nods head.
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOT. im suposed to call becky back, sorry... she takes priority...
*runs to phone.
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2004 15 June :: 12.21pm
i have to go to the school and have the fill out my work permit.... *cries. i dont want to.
that requires taking a shower, which requires drying my hair, which I HATE DOING.
i really need to get back into shape, it depresses me how flubby i am. *cries again.
becky got me the usher cd for my birthday *loves her. im gonna pimp all the way to town while my booty goes smack.
*giggles.
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2004 14 June :: 6.06pm
today i had my orientation at arbys, that went pretty ok. everyone seems pretty nice there.
i got another job too. at cindys ice cream, she called me today and wants to train me wendsday! how cool is that! lol. so now i have TWO jobs.. mwah ha ha ha.
i have boot camp tonight for the missions trip.. all my money is raised.. im so relieved.
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2004 13 June :: 10.49pm
you.
make.
me.
mad.
*screams... gahhhh.
i dont know what to believe anymore. or what to do. or who to talk to. or who to see. or what to watch. or listen to. or think. or feel.
somebody, just please, take all my emotions away from me, i dont deserve them.. i shouldnt be trusted with running my life... but you on the other hand, can be responsible for ruining it.
my life has turned upside down. i dont feel much of anything. just numb pain... i know everythings there.. i'd just rather disregard it. im good at pretending to be happy.. if anybody really knew.. really knew at all what goes through this mind on a daily basis, it'd scare you. because it scares me.
its because of you. you'll burn in hell someday, i know you will. i just dont know when... but if i was 3 quarters of an inch crazier i'd assure you that it'd be soon.
i wanna go to the warped tour.
i wanna have my own room in my own house with my own backyard.
i wanna forget everything i've experienced in the last year.
i wanna be 2 inches taller.
i want mishy to stay.
i want to know your real intentions.
i want someone to talk to, someone inteligent who can tell me what to do.
i want to be ABLE to spell inteligent.. is that right? i dont know...
i want him to stop hitting her.
i want someone who can respect me.
i want someone who makes an effort to be there for me.
i want someone who will just make me cookies and bring them over spontaneously early in the morning because he thinks that im pretty even without my make up and just wants to see me.
i want someone who will take my hand and lead me toward an open window with my eyes closed so i can feel the breeze in the summer.
i want someone christianly.
i want someone cute.
i want someone responsible.
i want someone respectful.
i want someone who wants me.
i want someone who wont laugh at how corny my wants are, because he wants them too.
i want to stop wanting things.
i want to grow up.
i want to move away from everybody whos ever caused me pain.
i want a car.
i want a place to go when it rains.
i want to sleep for a full 8 hours, just once.
i want to erase her past so she wont feel so confused and hurt.
i want to.. god.. i just dont know what i want.
I WANT A LIFE FREE OF EVERYTHING.
i think i wanna be a lawyer some day, so that i can at least help a few people not go through what we're going through.
this entry, is about LOTS of different people, so dont asume im talking about you in different parts, because if you do you're stupid. i dont use names for a reason. and besides its my journal.... fuck you if you dont like what i have to say. im sick of woohu creating so much drama. i know jess can agree with me on this one. IF YOU DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HOW MUCH WE DESPISE LIFE, DONT READ IT.
simple isnt it? no.... its far to complicated for most to understand.
gahhh.. i hate life. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.
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2004 13 June :: 10.01pm
i havent had time to update in awhile...
our bonfire was so much fun. we had 24 people show up... so it turned out pretty well. im so glad everyone who came did... i love them all... awwwwww.
i have so much that i could update, but i'd rather just vent to select people, and make ya'll wonder.
*malicious giggle.
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2004 9 June :: 11.49am
does anyone know what today is?
well i'll tell you what today is. today is the day that the sexiest man ever born to walk the face of this hellish planet was born. today was the day that the future father of my countless babies and source of ultimate pleasure was born.
today.. is Johnny Depps 41st birthday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
*faints
*becky cant have him.
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2004 8 June :: 9.59pm
what did i do today?
i had my interview. do i know if i got it.. no.
then we went to the lake, we being stacy, becky, brandi, and lisa. we made a group of morons believe we were all lesbians... one of them then offered his sexual pleasures to us, whom we "kindly" told that we only do eachother, as we walked away holding hands. stacy stole a thong out of an open car, it was hanging on the rearview mirror, we then placed it on the antenna on lisas car.
if you were to read stacy and beckys journal.. you'd get the jist of today..
haha.. jist.
what a dirty word.
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2004 7 June :: 10.54pm
i have an interview at arbys tomorrow.. woot woot. *crosses fingers
THIS FRIDAY....... just in case any of you.. might have missed it. brandi and i are having our party..... all are invited..... and if anyone knows how to get ahold of cherie.... tell her she needs to come, cuz neither of us have her email. ok..........
brandi and are gonna watch the last episode of friends..... and cry.
its sad ok. geeeeeeeeze.
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2004 5 June :: 1.47pm
i have kangaroos in my phone.. yes thats right. kangaroos.
my moms taking me out for dinner today since we didnt "have time" yesterday. *rolls eyes. i think we're getting my red flannel dress too... its so puuurrdy.
tonight im going to see harry potter 3 with becky, dont laugh at us.. we're not losers... well... not quite. ok fine we are... they're good books damn it!
after that i do believe im going out with jon... i guess it depends on what time i get home. eh.. i dont know. its nice having birthdays after your initial birthday. today is more of a birthday then yesterday. hmm... well anyways.
"whats that Mary Kate and ashlee? perfume? Ohh pleeaaaaaaas, but its all good.. schwweaaaattt. and by the way brandi, im so glad that you didnt get me Abercrobie and Finch colognie.... or bolagna. *shakes head* The four of us love you. schmwa*
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2004 4 June :: 6.38pm
Happy Birthday to myself... mmm hmm.
so todays the BIG 16... it hasnt been the best day, but its been a pretty damn good day.
for starters i got my licence! how cool is that... im so excited, no car to drive... but STILL!!!!
i got a cell phone for my birthday too... now i can walk through the mall, pretend to talk to someone important, and feel cool like the rest of you. yep, thats my plan. its so cute! so little and cute....... *admires.
i got a johnny shirt too... its beautiful.
so yes, i am legal. *giggles.
brandi got me a dashborad cd, and clothes, and chapstick, and sun glasses, socks, and flip flops.... shes so good to me. *hugs her*
next friday is our birthday party... (mine and brandis) ya'll can come if you want. just email me for directions.. anyone can come.... we welcome you all. te he he......
soul_confinement@hotmail.com
or
lynn_13@msn.com (brandi)
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2004 2 June :: 8.16pm
i cant believe tomorrow is the last day of school. im relieved, but sad.
today was fun. i went to the mall with lisa, kate, becky, and stacy. there really isnt a way to describe that.......... *laughs
i got brandis birthday present all taken care of...... its "neat". mmmmm hmm.
once again, pointless entry.
oh yeah, i think i might be going to kent city next wednesday with alyssa for their last day. that should be cool.
our bonfire is next saturday.... no friday... hell, i dont know. June 11th. woot woot.
less then 2 days and i'll be 16......
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2004 1 June :: 9.14pm
well i think tomorrow im going shoping with lisa, becky and stacy. that should be fun. i need to get brandis bday present.... SPEAKING OF... mines friday. ohhh yeah.
i wanna lose 10 pounds. 10 whole pounds.. is that to much ask. comon gods of heavens... JUST LET ME!!! *shakes fist and growls.
i hate updating and having nothing to talk about......
oh wait.. becky bit my ovary today.
heh heh.. oooooh yeah.
you bite that ovary becky... mmmm hmm.
brandi and i went out in the woods, damn those mosquitoes...... hmmm. toes... i dont think thats right.... *shrugs
i hope i pass that stupid exam in ahmed.
on a different note.. becky and i joined the debate team. sounds really nerdy... but it should be fun.
ok.. thats about all i could scrounge together for this half errmmm.. apple entry.
beckys an apple. thats right... im anti-vegitarian.. and Becky.. YOU MADE OUT WITH HIM BEFORE YOU WENT OUT WITH HIM! yeah, thats right. whats up now.... yeah, yeah.... mm hmmm. "check out theeeese torpedos!"
to all others but becky....... disregard.
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2004 31 May :: 7.25pm
well.. another weekend gone. parts of it were good. some parts really good. other parts sucked. today was boring. i went to rivertown with alyssa... that was good. but that was about it for my day.
this friday is my birthday. *dances* woot woot.
im a boring person, living a boring life.......
mm hmmm...
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2004 30 May :: 3.41pm
well..... whats life without a little change?
im livin at brandis now. this should be a fun summer... even though neither of us will be around much. i love her. *hugs*
things in my life are finally settling down... starting to become more normal i guess you could say. and some parts of it are really taking off for me. im excited to see what the next year has in store.... nothing could be worse then this past year.
i dont really know what else to say....
ok....
ummmmm....
that about does it.
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2004 16 May :: 11.27am
I HATE COMPUTERS!!!
gah... messenger wont work.. the caps keep periodically turning on....... stupid thing.
i woke up at 11:00, but we're supposed to be at church. so now im all confused. i think brandis sick, and thats why we stayed home.. i dont know. hmmmm.
to kill a mockingbird, should die a painful, miserable death, and then be burned.
i've got a TON of homework to do.. i guess i should do that.
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