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I am so floaty right now it's really weird. I'm dying to know what happened tonight with Ray and Aaron. It's 1:45 and i'm thinken her dad might pull a shotgun on me if i called. We're all gettin together tomorrow...heh for good reason of course.

I saw my mom tonight at the Muny. It's strange. Whenever I see her or really anyone perform it makes me miss being on stage so much. I just look and think "damn, that could be me. I could do that." It's like, i don't know even how to describe it. It's what i grew up with, it's what i've always known, and it's like everytime i see a production i'm being re-introduced to something i've known for so long. But hey, i'm rambling and saying things that probably make no sense...but that's just me. I'm known for that.

I really wish i had a fairy. Wouldn't that be cool?

Incubus is coming Sept. 12 and Lisa said she would take me. I"m excited...i finally get to see my future husband in person. Ahh, how nice.

My eyelids are like seriously shutting, but i just don't want to go to sleep. Not just yet. I know i said this last night but it just feels like i still have so much to say. Hmm...

Oh, this is one thing that kinda bugged me today. I talked to Aaron on the phone and he was just so distant from everythinng. I asked what was wrong and he insisted that it was nothing and he was fine. I told him he was different and i think he almost got mad. No, not mad. But confused? Maybe? Who knows. Not me, that's for sure. I'll find out tomorrow, or something.

I have to clean tomorrow. Damn. That's really unfortunate...it is a $100. Hah, and i'm $45 richer from last night...and momma owes me 70 something...i'm in the mulah baby! Wow i'm a freak...i need a swimming suit for Mexico...the one i have now is strapless and that could be a definite bad situation in the ocean.

2:01...damn.

So i've listened to this song 4 times now. It just never gets old. Never. It can mean something different everytime you listen to it and it's always wonderful.

Well i suppose i should go...i have a lot to do tomorrow. I"m going shopping again with my mom...hah. Good, good. Until then...

So I just finished one of the most wonderful books I've ever read. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." Everyone should read this because no matter who you are you can relate to atelast one of the characters.
Sarah's the one that gave me the book. It was for my birthday. I remember that day so perfectly. We met in the loop in fron tof Blueberry Hill because Lil had to work all day and she didn't have any where to go. I had never eaten there before, but we sat at Sarah's booth. The one she always sits at. And we talked for what seemed like ever. We talked about Lowell, and Taylor. I asked about Mike, which i think i should just stop doing. We talked about Aaron, and i talked about how Alumni went. And how Charlie and I seem to hate eachother one minute but can't stop flirting the next. And it was just so pefect. She handed me a Charlotte's Web bag and i just looked at her. And she told me it was my birthday present. So i opened it and found the book, a harmonica, magnetic poetry and watercolors. She said i had to read it to understand. I understand now.
After we had walked around the Loop for a good three hours and went to every story possible and got our hemp we walked back to Lil's. She had red shorts and and she told me how she had always wanted a pair of red pants, and one day she was at Old Navy and saw them. And ya know, i was glad she got her red pants.
So we get to Lil's and on the way we saw the Katie's and Shelley going where we had just come from. And i reminded Katie S. that she owed me 15 bucks. Strange the things you remember huh?
When we get to Lil's she isn't home from work yet so we went and sat on the "field" and people watched. And we talked again. And we tried to make necklaces and bracelts with our hemp, but we didn't have any scissors so it didn't work out too well. We watched Lil's dad take Sammy for a walk and light up a cigarette even though he swears to Lil he quit smoking cigs.
Lil finally came home and she called us freaks for not going in the house and i just laughed and thought how perfect the day was. About how much of a Lillian thing that is to say. The rest of the night really wasn't much. They made me try putting a slice of Provolone cheese on my Dorritos which i surprisingly liked. Sarah and I made our necklaces and braceletts and Lil watched and ate her chips and we were all just there. Together not caring about how we looked, not trying to impress anyone. Just being there was enough. And I realized how much i love being with the two of them because nothing ever matters. They will always be there for me no matter how much of an ass i can make of myself. They'll take care of me. And i hope they know that i'll always take care of them too.
But that day was way back in June. And things have complicated since then. So many things have happened, and so many things have been so un-perfect it makes me sad.
Sarah and Aaron have talked and they're "back on track" and are going to see eachother Sunday. Which is good. They'll talk and everything will be ok again. I'd like to think i helped make it ok considering i was the one that made it un-ok in the first place. I've talked to Aaron twice online and it just seemed so awkward. He called today but i wasn't home and i was almost glad i didn't talk to him. Because i don't want to make anything un-ok for her or anyone again. I can be ok with me being un-ok, but not anyone else, not if it's my fault.
Ray and i have this insane plan for Monday. I can't believe it's going to happen, or that i'll actually be doing it, but hell. I need a little excitement every once in a while.
I feel so ranfom right now. It's almost 3:00 a.m and i wish the night would last forever. My fingers are flying and i can't seem to stop. I love the songs that's playing right now...actually i just love Dashboard...wow i'm not on any focus right now.
I guess i should call Aaron tomorrow. He did leave a message so I should probably return it. Today was good though. I went to the mall with Meg who can always make me laugh and forget everything. She makes me feel like i'm 7 again and i love it. I went to a party tonight too. No, i take that back. They were only eight people there, but it was just enough. Zach barbecued for us and his mom made us brownies and i felt like i was at a birthday party. It was good seeing everyone again. I hadn't talked more or less seen most of them since Almuni.
Lauren's still the insanse firecracker she's always been. Matt got glasses and i must say it makes him look alot better. Zach's still the big brother who's always looking out for everyone. David. Poor David. He's so attention starved it makes me sad. Katie just maked me laugh and Evan's still the overly horny little child that everyone loves.And then there's Meg. AKA my Genie friend, and my best friend out of that hell hole.
I feel really cheap though. And not for any deep or spiritual reason. For some reason the girls decided to run around topless, but we were back and in the dark and no one could see us. Well somehow the guys got to talking about paying us to flash them. Well the pot got up to 45 bucks. So we all stood there and they all looked ever so pleased....yea good thing i was the only one that did it. I did get all 45 bucks, but i felt like such a whore. Like i cheapened myself for $45. Heh considering we were only doing it for roughly 11 didn't make me feel much better either.
I told Sarah and she told me I was her hero. That made me laugh. Eh, it's the guys in my class and i'm $45 richer. I guess i shouldn't sweat it too much.

Yea, so i've typed alot and it seems like i still have so much to say. I"m talking to Lowell now, which somehow seems odd to me. It's nice to talk to him because i haven't in so long, but i almost feel like i should just steer clear of all Sarah's guys.
Heh i talked to Nathan yesterday...goddamn that kid's fucked. You can't help but love him though. Heh. Nathan, what a goof.

Yea, so it's 3:30 and i feel like i'm on No Doz or something...funny i haven't had anything at all today.
Hey i haven't had any alchohal since the 4th. Hooray for Allie!

Hmm, Dave Matthews is playing now and i'm so happy. I'm going to the concert in August. It's the same day as my first day of school...eh i'll survive. Hey i'm goin to Less Than Jake too in August, yay! I have to ask Lil if she wants that extra ticket...

Ahh i'm so frustrated, my computer keeps crashing and i'm losing what i haven't saved. I know had alot more then this tped, and it actually made sense but I can't remember at all what it was. That's unfortunate.

The pictures on my walls are starting to dance...heh. Wow.

I'm so random tonight i have no idea what's wrong with me. I'm almost scared to let this end because i don't know how to end it. And i don't want it to be just blunt and without any sort of meaning or closure. That must sound funny coming from a girl who thinks the pictures on her walls are dancing...

I wish I was running in the rain right now. It would help if it was actually raining, but i wish i could. I would run and dance and cartwheel and not care just like i used to with my old friends. My "old friends" that seems so distant and far away. I do miss them so much though. I miss not being one of the "gang" and hanging out at RC. I miss being known as the "Matchmaker" and always knowing what people were talking about. I miss Lizzie and Lauren and i wish I could see what everyone looks like now. And i wish i could yell at George for being so awful to me. But he's paying now. The bitch hasn't passed 7th grade yet..i guess we're even. I wish i could see Tommy. No, i wish i could shake Tommy and ask what the fuck he's done to himself and why. I wish i wish i wish. I wish Jack still knew who i was, and i wish people would recognize me when they saw me. And i wish they wouldn't watch what they say when i'm arround and i wish they would tell me their secrets like they used to. Maybe i'm just wanting or asking too much, but i wish i was still one of them. I wish i was. I really do.

God i feel random. And the pictures on my walls look like they're dancing or moving. My fingers are having troubles pressing down on the keys hard enough. I feel like i'm flying, but there's weights on my hands.
My computer keeps kicking me off and i'm not saving, it did it again so i should probably end this. As i've said beofore i'm almost afraid too because i don't know how it should end. I've said so much and just feel so airy i don't know exactly what to say. I don't want it to be random, it needs to have closure. This must sound very odd coming from a girl who thinks the pcitures on the walls are dancing but that's what i have to say...and so i've said it again...

So i guess i should do it something like this. No no that's all wrong. The truth is i guess i'm out of things to say. My mind is going a mile a minute and so many random thoughts are in my head i should just stop thinking and listen to some music or something. So i guess i'm done now. Yea, that's it.

Quiz Fest


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Any Takers?

Which Weezer Song are You?

So i know i've already written today, but i guess i didn't get out exactly what i needed to.

I feel so distant and numb from everyone. I just wanna hide and not have to deal with anone. No more bitchy people talking me and telling me everything they've always ment to say. No more people telling me what a bad job I'm doing, or asking why i still stick up for Ariel. No more Kate. No more of her ever. I don't want to see anyone at all. And I don't want to pack. I just wanna lay in my bed with my cd player and cry and think. That's it. Can't i just i go away for a little while? No, i guess not.

She keeps telling me she's not mad, and that she doesn't want me hurting now, or something like that. The whole thing confuses me to no end. She might not even want Aaron anymore which I can't help but feel responsible for. I wish she did want him. So i could feel like i fixed something, or made it ok again. I have to make it ok.

I just wanna go and scream and kick and cry and throw a tantrum like i used to when i was little and I didn't want to leave or go somewhere.

I know she'll read this, and i almost feel like i have to watch what i say which is really fucked because i know i don't. I know i should just drop it but i feel like i still have so much to still say.

And you stood at your door
with your hands on my weist
and kissed me like you ment it
and i knew
that you ment it
that you ment it
that you ment it
and i knew that
that you ment it
that you ment it

that's one of her favorite songs. Funny that that's what happened. I'm saying this not to make you upset again, but more of a release. I thought better of mine last night so i figured writing long writes would help me out. So Sarah, here it goes. This is it. This is what happened.

We went out for lunch the first day, no big deal...Imos. He bought a new pair of sandals because his other pair had broken. And we walked. We walked all over webster and just talked. We ended up over by his house and decided to just go to his house to watch a movie. So we watched Dracula and Aaron and Tyler made fun of me because it scared me. I had to go home so he dorve me and we hugged and i left.
So he called me that night and we talked, just kinda getting to know eachother. Well it got late and i had lacrosse and he had work the next day so i said i'd call him after practice and that was that.

So After practice i called him and we talked and it wasn't really anything we just talked.

So on Tuesday, I called him after practice and we decided to get together. So I went over to his house and watched a movie, but i had to be home by 10:30 which didn't happen and i got in a shit load but that's a different story. So we watched the movie, and yea i put my head on his shoulder. That was it. So he dropped me off at my house and i kissed him on the cheek and we hugged. I stepped out of the car and into the wonderful world of angry fathers...

So the next day, he wanted to give me a cd so he dropped it off at my house. So he gave it to me and left. A few minutes later he came back, i opened the door and he kissed me. Only for a second. And he said it was on an impulse.

Next day he im'd me and said he was getting off work early and did i want to do something. I had to run up to the Alpine shop anyway so we met there and had to go back to his house because his little brother. So we hung out at his house for a little while and I had to leave for Lacrosse so he drove me home. We got to my house i hugged him and said have fun in Frisco and he kissed me. It didn't dawn on me then that i would end up hurting you now. All i could think of was wow, someone actually cares about me. Someone actually wants to be with me. I didn't know how you felt anymore. I didn't know. And i knew with him. You had Lowell and Aaron and ocasionaly Nathan. I dind't know if I was in the picture. And i didn't know that Aaron was that important. I thought he was like your St. Louis Lowell. And evidentally, so did he.

So that's what happened. That's all of it. Yea, i guess i still do like him. I'm sure you know this, but he's a hard guy to get over. You know i'll try to make this better because i can't see you hurting. He's going to call you either tonight or tomorrow so know that. Well that's it, that's all. I don't know what else to say, so i'm going to just think now.

And yea, i know the offers still out. Let me get home from Mexico...heh
And yea, i think three is a much better number...

So I just read Sarah's journal and I cried my eyes out. I cried like a little baby does. I hurt her so much. She says she's not mad at me anymore...she said alot, but I don't know what to think anymore. I talked to Aaron today and I guess he got somewhat upset. He said he would call her so they'll talk. I'm so confused. I have no idea what's going on anymore. I can't talk to him anymore that's for sure of one thing. And two I have to make this all better for her again. Which unfortunately, will involve me in talking to Aaron. I did like him. I don't know what he thought. I know he wasn't trying to hurt her. I guess he just didn't know. I wish I could just take it all back. I wish I didn't have to make her hurt and I wish i wasn't such a wuss and have to cry. I wish i hadn't cried. I wish i hadn't had a good time and I wish I could just go away. I leave for Mexico in a couple weeks and it's just not coming soon enough. I am going to a baseball game tomorrow with some friends from my old school and I don't know how long i'll be able to pretend everything's fine...or how long i'll be able to stomach Lauren and Ray all over eachother. I guess Lizz and I will just sit there and pretend it's not going on like always...unless Andrew's going, then I'll be the only one there doing the sitting...God.
I have to go camping with my Dad and hid friends this weekend too. Can someone just hand me a gun? He's trying to get back in my life now. Now that he just stopped being my dad and tunrned into some guy that just lived in our house for three years, he wants to be my Daddy again. Just what i need, to watch him and his buddies get drunk over and over this weekend...
Goddamn, the song Please Bleed's playing now:

Please Bleed
So i know that you are real
so i know that you can feel
the damage that you've done
oh who have i become?
to myself i am numb
i am numb.

I just want to crumble into a little pile. I can bleed just fine, and I can feel too. And i know the damage that i've done, and i'm so sorry. I thought it would make me happy, but i was being self centered and i didn't think about you. And i'm so sorry. I won't lie, i did like him. I guess I just didn't know what the seriousness was. But fuck, listen to me i'm rambling...i need to be away for a while, i need to be invisible...

I'm on a quiz spree what can I say...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

And so it happened again...
He kissed me today. In his car. I was at his house and he drove me home. Of course the car ride ride home was that wonderful awkward silence that always happens. He pulled up in my driveway and we hugged and I told him to have fun in Frisco. He said he'd to what he could and kissed me. He put his hand on my face and played with my hair. It was so wonderful. I'm really going to miss him while he's gone.