last exam. last day. last everything. sigh, relief atlast. and it's about damn time if you ask me. pretty sure i failed my math exam...pish, no worries. i'm out of here.

in other news, i'm going camping this weekend. exciting-ish. lauren's coming with me so that's fun. we haven't hung out in so long, it'll be nice. pops bought me a tent as an early birthday gift, which, i'm incredibly thankful and excited about. camping trips are much fun, and looks as tho many are in my near future.

as for now, i have to go to costco to get some chow for the weekend. i'll be back, if you're lucky.

last day of school. finally. i will say it was sad knowing that i won't see everyone again next year. but, the ones i really like i'll keep in touch with. i'm excited about summit next year, it should be excellent.

still not going up to indy. sigh, it's really, really sad. i need to get away for a little while and it looks like i'll be unable to do so.

tcs graduation was last night. it was...weird, to say the least. travis's speech was of course excellent, i miss him a lot sometimes. sarah and amy's were pretty incredible as well. chris was there. heh, chris webster...he's such a...a...i don't know what he is. gorgeous is on the list, but it would be right there next to goofy. i'm pretty sure he grew another foot since the last time i saw him. mabye two.

i was invited to a luau today. it's at andrea's for matt's birthday. i think i'l go, it could be fun. brian will be there. what is it with me falling for the ones i can never get?

katie veile made me cry today. a good sad cry. one i needed. it was for leaving, i didn't think i would want to look back. but i did. she kissed me on the cheek and told me she loved me. damn. i'm really going to miss her. denise too. ah, can't forget about denise.

i've just been informed that i'm going to go to a movie and shopping this evening. this means getting dressed and ready all over again. pish. i should just show up in my scrubs. that may be the best idea i've ever had.

beau's graduation party is tomorrow. hot drunken senior boys. i've needed a good laugh, looks like this is my opportunity.

that's all i got for now, kids. till then.

"shake some actions what i need"

i asked. she said no. end of story. i wish she knew how much i need and miss her...

how is it that whatever emotions i'm feeling i can always find in song lyrics?


too much is on my mind. i need to vent. ready set go.

i still haven't asked about going up to indy to see ray. i'm afraid i suppose. it can't be of the answer, i'm used to hearing no, and yes is the one i'm hoping for. so what then? what is so different about this time? i've asked a thousand times before...so why not just once more? i know what i would say, i know the routine like the back of my hand. so what the hell am i afraid of?

what's with that expression, that back of your hand one i just used. who studies the back of their hand? why is it so commonly (sp?) used? whoever came up with that saying had way too much time on their hands...ouf, no pun intended.

i've been staring at the same french question for about an hour now. a very simple one at that. i just can't comprehend anything. i'm so numb to all other feeling it's ridiculous.

why am i so wide awake? this isn't normal. i slept on a hard wood floor last night for, at tops, 4 hours. lauren and lizz spent the night. lauren proceeded to grind her teeth the whole night, whereas lizz took up the whole couch. for being such a tiny person, she sure can hog some room. so i slept on the floor. with the dog. woke up, and made breakfast for mothers day and such. mrs. vlasak, and mrs. franey came over to eat with us as well. (lizz and lauren's moms') we made them breakfast, they told us we were " so sweet, and such nice girls." it was nice, actually. but then, we went to my aunt effie's house to see the family. i slept on the couch most of the time. maybe that's why i'm so awake, i had a power nap around 3...hmm...

i want to see jarob again. i want another hug. i want to be held, and to think someone might actually want to be with me. i want to be liked. no, i want to be loved. i don't care by who anymore. i need this void to be filled. it's been too empty for too long and i'm sick of it. if anyone reads brodie's journal, he talks a lot about how he needs someone to say they love him and mean it. that's how i feel. i want someone to fold their arms around my weist and let me lean back on their chest. i want someone to call just to say their thinking of me. all these things i want. i need. i feel so selfish saying it. like this is the only thing i ever think about. i'm not a selfish person, i'm just sick of not feeling wanted.

ahh god this song. it's college school days all over again. nathan and ariel singing at the variety show. correction, nathan singing, beautifully, ariel screeching, horribly. age six racer, if you know the song. i was so jelous. i wanted to be ariel so badly that day. nathan wanted her to sing with him. he wanted her. i soon figured out how "real" nathan was. he asked her because she's hot. simple as that. and ya know, now i'm glad she ruined it. serves him right. there goes the green eyed monster again. sigh, i still think of of him all too much. and why? i told him everything, my life, my thoughts. he knows more about me then anyone else living and breathing on this earth. and how unfortunate that is. but none the less, at a time, he was my best friend. and i do miss it. i can't lie about that. i just wish the reason wasn't because he simply wanted some. sarah tells me he really did like me. and i suppose that could be true. the way he would look at me with such intensity. and how intimidated i was by him. he used to hold me. his arms would always fold perfectly around my weist. how we used to sneak around in asp, trying to find a private place to talk, away from everyone else. and how meg and kate, and occasionally ariel would try and spy on us. hah, they always thought we went off to make out or something. no no. that never happened. we would always just talk, and i loved it. i wanted to be "his girl" so badly, it was almost sickening. and i've been told i almost was. but who knows how much truth is in that statement. at that time i was "chris's girl", which is a joke in itself...but i can't help but wonder what would have happened if we hadn't gotten together. would i have been nathan's? that's so stupid to thinka bout now. dwelling in the past and such. i've been doing it a lot lately tho. and i hate it. i hate this feeling of helplessness. it's so, harsh and tireing. nathan and i hardly talk anymore, so why am i thinking about this? i don't understand it. but it really does need to quit, because i'm sick of thinking of him. he's changed, and i'm pretty sure it's for the worst. whatever, i don't wanna care anymore. don't let me care, please?

chris carrabba is a genuis. some people don't like him, i love him. no matter who you are, anyone can relate to ATLEAST one song. bottom line...mm, i'm pretty sure was a lowell saying if i ever heard one. i wonder how he is...

exams are in two weeks. i can't fail any of them. i can't. this would mean i would have to go to summer school, which is NOT happening. not if i have anything to do with it. i have way too much planned for this summer. too many things to do. places to go. people to see. i can't wait to get out of ursuline...or hell, whichever you prefer.

lizz gets her license in less then 2 months. that's the most exciting thing i've thought of all day.

i still have homework to do. i have no desire to do any of it, but it's one of those you-really-do-have-to-things.

i really need to talk to denise. i really need to talk to a lot of people actually. yikes.

i'm running out of steam, and my fingers are getting tired. so, that's all for now...or something.

"it's hard to explain how i am getting by on so little from you. it's hard to believe that i would let myself get so wrapped into you. there's gotta be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you. we need a connection, but you seem to push me far away from you...the harder i push the further i fall. well you don't mind me being headstrong. but you don't want to sing along, maybe it's trike but i can always, always be wrong."

i'm nobody, are you nobody too?
god i'm pissed off today.

it's been a while, but i must warn you all before hand. i've slept a total of 6 hours in three days...fiesty (sp?) would be an incredible understatement. i have come to the conclusion tho, that people watching could and should be recognized as a great talent. anyone can just stare and be creepy, but i've decided that being able to observe and take everything in, in it's entirety is truly a talent. i decided this around noon saturday afternoon while i was sitting in a hotel lobby having not yet been to bed from the night before.


ahh, i have to go..i'll finish this later.

so as i was saying...

this past weekend has been non stop. and it looks as tho this coming one will be as well. i'm glad tho, i like having things to do. it gives me less time to worry about things.

we're having early-out days this whole week which is, very, very nice. i just got home from bar italia. good eats let me tell you. i love being in the central west end. the people there are more interesting to look at then the shops and galleries. the guy at coffee cartel gave me an extra few scoops of ice cream. that may have been the highlight of my day.

a for now, i am still very much so lacking sleep. and it's only 2, ah, how nice. i might go to a baseball game tonight at summit around 4. hmm...i have a paper due friday..pissh. till then, my friends.

yes, so i suppose i should explain who kyle is. i was in a show up at de smet a little while ago called "anything goes." kyle was one of the leads. (billy crocker if you've seen it) so this is basically the story of a little chorus girl falling for one of the leads. cliche? you betcha. so we started talking one day in rehersal and i've been head over ever since. it's strange tho, he's not at all the "type" of guy i would usually ever, ever go for. he reminds me of a big teddy bear. just something you want to hug all the time. he has perfect curly blonde, slightly shaggy hair. it's actually more like a mop. but in a good way. blue eyes. you know the drill. prepster to the absolute max which is just something i usually don't go for. this perfect boy, unfortunatly, also has a very perfect girlfriend who he loves dearly. and she's just as crazy for him. man, if only colleen (his girlfriend) was some horrible ogre or something. then i wouldn't feel bad liking him so much. but she's just as sweet and perfect as he is. damn. he was one of the one act directors this year too... he cast me in his. i was in heaven let me tell you. but i had to drop the show due to an illness in the fam. i went and saw the acts last weekend and he hugged me and told me how much he missed me and wished i could have been a part of it. he was also the only one that noticed i had dyed my hair. sigh. i don't know what's the matter with me. it's just a stupid crush. but...hmm, i don't know. i went to the after party on saterday and felt really awkward seeing as i wasn't really in the cast. so i went and sat in the other room to call my mom to tell her where i was and all that. and he came in and sat next to me and was like ohh you look so sad what's wrong! and was just so nice. he put his arm around me and we sat like that for about 30 seconds when about 20 people came running into the room screaming and dancing. so he got up and was like i guess i should go find colleen. so he waved goodbye and left i guess because i didn't see him the rest of the night. so that's my kyle story. a silly little crush i suppose. i just can't seem to get him out of my head....grr. he's in stuff at the muny this year. i wonder if he's in a show with my mom. that would be either really excellent or really bad. i can't decide. if she had a cast party, that would be good. but if she ever talked to him...this would be bad. (she heard me talking on the phone about him to andrea and has teased me about it ever since.) sorry for rambling. but, that's the deal.

as for now i have loads, and loads of physics to do. i'll update my weekend later tonight, hopefully. wasn't too exciting, but nice none the less. till then my friends.

"everything's free, that's a secret. the only thing that isn't free is you."

i have decided that i am in love with kyle fowler.

that is all.

i can't decide if this is disgusting or hilarious. i'm watching jackass, and there's this guy trying to pogo down a cascading fountain. he's succeeding with flying colors in injuring himself, but it is kind of amusing. so i'm pretty sure that one qualifies as hilarious. but now, yikes. steve-o (ya know, the one with "your name" tatooed on his ass) is having the letters j-a-c-k-a-s-s stapled into his own ass. and, might i add, wearing a duct tape thong all the while. i can't even imagine how much that would hurt. i've stapled my finger and cried a river, but in your butt cheeks? ouf. so i guess that one would fall under the disgusting category. i do like the "your name" on the ass tho...heh.

anyway, school was just...wow. we have two days of school this week. monday and tuesday. the rest we have off. if anyone, anyone at all can make sense of this...please, let me in on the secret. because i sure as hell haven't figured out why they would make us go for two days. but, they are. so i have a physics test, and a french quiz scheduled for tomorrow afternoon...every one i've talked to has said that physics was impossible. so i'm not expecting to do so hot on that one. french, pish posh. sister janet's class is a joke so i'm not too worried. mm, enough of that boring business.

yikes, now there's this incredibly fat man in some tighty whities, and a beater chasing after a little midgit guy in some tighty whities and a beater through some city. hmm...that could be either really.

well, it's getting late. so sorry all i did was rant about school. i promise the next one will have a little more meaning, excitement, something. hah well, that is if anyone exciting happens. things here are incredibly dull. all anyone is talking about is prom. you wouldn't believe how many girls in my class are going. it's ridiculous. i went to homecoming with a guy who desperately needed a date, and i desperately needed a ticket in. in lamens terms, we used eachother. no biggy. but all these freshman chicks are getting asked to prom. prom! ...i just re read that...seems as tho allie has a case of the green eyed monster. that would be a shame. and why is allie speaking in third person?

that must have been a sign...off to bed...till then...

does anyone else find it humorous that easter just happened to land on april 20 this year?

sooo this weekend has been a long one. a good one, for the most part. but long none the less. thursday, i went to lizz's and we went up to the mall. got a skirt, shirt, and a hat. crashed at her place that night. the next morning, i came home and went up to tcs to see sarah and travis and all of them. later that night i went to kat's...yikes. it was cool for a little while. i didn't really know anyone, at all. i had an anxiety attack...i hadn't had one of those in a long ass time. so denise sat with me, and held my hand. and melissa came and petted me and hoped i would get better. aww i love them for that. so my mom came and i came home and slept. saterday, i didn't wake up till around 12 and i just stayed in bed most of the day anyway. tom tells me we're going to go see a movie and i really did not want to go. but lizz and steve were gonna go so i went anyway. saw anger management. wow, that movie will just make you angry. it's one of those movies that makes you wanna yell at the screen and tell the characters how stupid they are. but, for some reason i took a liking to it. now it's sunday. easter. went to mass, saw adam...mmm adam. came home, helped mom cook brunch for the fam. they all just left about 20 minutes ago. and here i am. warm and cozy in my bed. i'm kind of tired tho...woke up around 7:45...yeck. till then my friends.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

so um....

you're indie!


How can I label you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i'll buy that. labels scare me, but that ones not so bad. this kind of creeped me out, one of the questions was pick a quote...and one of the quotes, the one i picked of course, was that exact same get up kids quote i started the last post off with. weird eh? ok maybe not so much..but it's 12 am and sleep isn't coming to me. so now, i've decided to take lots of random online quizzes to take up the time...enjoy..or something.

"every mistake i've made, i couldn't have made it without you."

hits all too close to home, i'm pretty sure. i've decided that having a deep thought process while under a lot of stress is a deadly combination. i've just felt like crying all day. picking up bits and pieces of conversations during lunch period at an all girls school is usually quite comical. but for some reason, most everyone was refraining from their usual gossiping ways. it made for a very boring walk past the "popular girls" lunch table. i think other people noticed it too..or maybe i'm just crazy. i trudged through the day tho. not wanting to be there, not wanting to participate in anything.

i hate it when teachers call on you because they know you're not listening to a word of what they've said. and you just look back at them blankly, wondering what was asked, if you know the answer. stammer a few times, apologize, and politely ask for the question again. i hate being polite to people i don't like. i really do. mean, yes...but also the truth. hopefully this break will do me some good. kat's having a party friday night...she asked me to go...and denise told me i have no choice, so i suppose that's what i'll be doing. but, the strangest thing happened. i was standing there talking to kat, katie, and chelsea (one of the "popular girls") and they were all talking about the party and whatnot. and katie, heh she's so much fun, she's like so chelsea, i'm staying at your house after kat's and chels's like yea that's cool...allie do you want to come too? now, i am, by no means, a "popular girl". and chelsea, by all means, is. and katie, well katie's whatever the hell she wants to be. and kat is-ish, but she had left for class by this time. anyway, chelsea tells me that she'll call me and that we should definitely hang out more and she hopes i come to kat's...and by now my eyes are popping out of my head. so i smiled and said thanks and that it would be fun. she leaves, so katie and i walk to class and she elbows me and starts singing the jefferson's theme song. you know, "well we're movin on up..." so i can't decide what to think of this. but, like, oh my god, whatever will i wear to kat's?

mm i love listening to songs you haven't in ages. the who is currently in my cd player right now. i grew up on this cd. this was me and my daddy's cd, along with manford man three dog night, the doors, and this really cool mix tape of all old motown classics. all the credit in the world goes to him regarding my musical tastes. i'm so thankful that he start me off right from the beginning. that is one thing we still have. we like A LOT of the same music, which makes for enjoyable car rides and pleasant conversations. he bought me literally, a stack of cd's for christmas. all of his old favorites. it was the best present i got all year because i knew he really thought about which ones to get. i hope he knows that.

anyway. i have much homework to do this evening. but, i found out that i will be getting out of school a week earlier then planned. excellent news if i do say so myself. and with any luck, i'll be able to talk moma into letting me go up and visit sarah that weekend. i really, really need to. i miss her so much. enough of this...off to physics...

oh hey, on one last note. does anyone know who recorded freak show first? ani difranco or keller williams? if you know please, please, please tell me...this has been making me crazy since sunday afternoon. much thanks.