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behindmysmile

:: 2003 6 December :: 10.57pm
:: Mood: grumpy

Well lets see here..not much has been going on lately..havent talked to steve since uhm yesterday lol and he was pissed at me after skool.. =/ oh well who cares..

Talked to britt t day!! I luv dat gurl!! Shes da bestest in da whole wide world!! hehe I LUV YOU BRITT!! =)

talked wif chelsie t day too!! Had a great talk wif her..she helped me mucho much..i luv her too!!

And rite now im talkin wif Megan..were taklin bout some pretty deep n interestin stuff..im really glad dat i met her! =)

Btu da best part was..i met this gurl..he name is Katt or Katrina really..shes friggin awesome!! We've got sooo much in comman and shes soo easy to talk to!! We were talkin bout how we cut ourselves and wats going on wif our family and wats going on wif our boyfriends and like friends and all of this diff shit!! Shes funny as hell too!! I think dis could be da start to a very awesome friendship lol.. =) IM REALLY GLAD I MET HER!!!!!!! =)

nuffin else happened really..so im gonna go..luv you all bye!! =)

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 5 December :: 11.48pm
:: Mood: busy

*If i hated you as much as i luv you..it would be like you were hitler and i was a group of jews!!*

Very well put Tiffany..i luv u soo much sweetie..thanks fo always being there..ur da best!!

I LUV YOU TIFFANY!! =) hehe u damn fool lmao!! Great times..latah babe..

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 5 December :: 6.49am

Went x mas shoppin yesterday..i think i went a lil overboard wif a few ppl lol like steve..or britt or becky dawn lol

oh well!! I had fun!! I LUV YOU TRIXI!!!!!!! hehe ur da best babe!!

neways dont have anything to say..I MISS YEW BRITTERS..dtas all..fo now..im sure more will be writtin latah lol bye

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 3 December :: 9.01pm
:: Mood: exhausted

Urgh went home sick from skool gain t day..went to courts house..den went to work..im dead tired..but ive still gotta call Steve at 9..cuz hes got something *important* to tell me..i think hes going to *break* up wif me.. =( I sure hope not..

Oh well..stuff it..=/ I got some pix of Steve t day tho..rite before i went home he brought me some pix of him..YaY!! lol but yah neways..

Steve steve steve..im becomin my worst nightmare really..i hate ppl dat always takl bout guys..but wtf am i doing..=/ NEXT SUBJECT!!

Lets see..really havent talked wif britt lately..Tho i am talkin to her rite now..hehe =)

I dont know im fuckin tired..and sick..and pissed..and alotta stuff..*confused really* Oh well neways..gotta go..gonna call steve soon *there i go again* and den going rite to bed..bye..

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 3 December :: 6.44am

WOo HOo!! Skool..ick..and im sick..ick!! Oh well..ill jus throw up on em again and thier going to have to send me home!! =)

Britt i luv yew babe!! And hope u have a wonderful day!! I hope to talk wif u latah t nite!! If not I LUV YOU!!!!!!! =)

everyone else i luv u to!! hehe bye!!

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 2 December :: 8.35pm

*sleep* *crackers n dr pepper* n *vicondin!*

HELL FUCKIN YAH!! =)

Going to bed if u need me call me..if not..see u like latah 2marro nite!! =)

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 2 December :: 8.24pm
:: Mood: sick

I jus dont knw anymore..
Oh gosh me n Steve got into a fight t day..and we havent talked like all day long really..i miss him..oh well who cares.. =/

Yah i really havent really talked wif britt yesterday or t day either..she was jus online fo a min..we really didnt talk..cuz she kinda got rite bak off..I miss her even more than steve lol Jus in a diff way =p

Talked to chelsie tho..had an interestin convo wif her..i luv dat gurl shes sucha sweetheart..thanks chels!! =)

Also talked wif da counsler before i went home sick.. =/ Dat was really interestin lol..she knows all bout britt..all bout chels..heard bout meg..knows all bout jamee n becky n steve haha =) Shes kool..i guess..

I dont know wat im going to do 2marro..ive gotta go to skool or i lose credit fo ALL of my classes and start totally over as a freshmen next year..ick!! =/ And den ive gotta work rite after skool..and prolly wont be home till late or like 9 or 10 or so i unno.. =/

Gotta work all week actually..wed *maybe thurs* fri double sat double sun..ick!! But hey money is money =)

well dats enough fo now..im gonna go to bed..latah everyone..

love..me.. =/

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 2 December :: 6.33am
:: Mood: sick

This morning im jus going to do a top pplz count..

::My top friendz::
***Brittany***

**Becky D**

*Steve-o*

::The rest of em::

*Courtney*
*Chelsie*
*James*
*Tiffany*
*Sara*
*Emily*
*Adrienne*
*Steffanie*
*Jessica W*
*Jessica B*
*Erik R.*
*Taylor*
*Heather*
*Cassie*
*Greg*
*Nicole*
*Megan*
*Ethan*
*Brandon*
*Marissa*
*Brittney*
*Chris*
*Makenzie*

Well yah dats enough fo now..

::5 friendz dat r alwys there fo me::

1. Brittany
2. Becky Dawn
3. Courtney
4. James
5. Chelsie

::5 friendz i wish i were still friends wif::

1. Cassie S.
2. Kathryn
3. Kristen
4. Stacey
5. Mike

::5 friendz i couldnt live without::

1. BRITTANY MARIE GAMESTER!!
2. Becky Dawn
3. Courtney annmarie*??*
4. Steffanie *cant say middle name hah*
5. Chelsie *dont member =/*

I LUV ALL MY FRIENDS!! I WOULDNT BE WHERE I AM WITHOUT THEM!! I LUV YOU ALL!!!


I luv you mostest tho britt..ur my best friend and always will be =)

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 1 December :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Concrete angel--Martina Mcbride!!

Oh wow guess whos house i jus passed on da way there..and home lol..CHELSIES!! yippie skippie!! lol It was very pretty!! =p

mhmm lets see..im fine t day..jus fine..no britt tho..so i guess dat aint fine..but im fine..no im lieing i had a shitty day..=/ everything went wrong..tho nothing went rite, everything seemed to be rite. Things seemed *normal* but not a good normal..a normal dat showed me dat even tho i was totally miserable..everything was in da place they were meant to be in..like i was in a *normal* where i was meant to be miserable..maybe dats how my life is going to be fo da rest of my "years" =/

mhmm britt i luv u too!! bye..

Wow im going to bed at 8 o clock..*or layin down restin at least..* aint dat amazin tho..if any of u stinkers need me..u know my number.. =/ MOST LIKELY I WONT GET ANY CALLS T NITE..*cept maybe from steve*

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 1 December :: 4.24pm
:: Mood: *aLL aLoNe*

I wonder wat it feels like to be normal..? =/
Dead inside

Life has drowned me in a puddle of blood
As I took the knife slowly to my wrist
I stopped and thought
Should I really do this?
Will life get better?
Should I wait?
I decided that I’ve waited long enough
Nothing has gotten better
Everything is a blur
The good memories are all just a simple vivid image
My mind is filled with horrid thoughts that are indescribable
Life has drowned me in a puddle of blood
As the knife slits me partly
I stop and think again
Am I making the right choice?
Should I stop?
Or keep going?
I think only negative
About all the bad times
And how the cruel world has treated me
I feel that it wants me dead
Should I think positive?
Once again my mind tells me to continue
As I see the drops of blood drip from my wrist
I feel the pain and sorrow
I want to stop but my hand keeps moving the knife
The pain I feel on my wrist
Is not nearly as bad as the pain I feel inside
I take a deep breath
And realize that I’m making a mistake
I think long and hard
I feel the need to keep cutting
I come to a halt
Asking why, why me?
I have dealed with pain and pressure long enough
I am already dead inside
So, I continue with the knife
I am almost done
I can feel my body become very weak
I start shaking
My heart stops beating
I fall to the floor
I’ve drowned myself in a puddle of blood



Wow Megan sent me this like this morning i think..mhmm i kinda was like really offended by this..tho she has no idea..i really felt horrible..cuz ya know wat..dats EXACTLY how i feel.. =/ Ive been doing *dat* like fo a week now..off and on of korse..but oh wow do i ever wish dat i did it every single second of da day..and i could..but i dont..too much time spent at skool..ick!! =/

oh well..im done..bye..

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 30 November :: 8.34pm
:: Mood: okay

Drama drama drama..
Geesh I dont really know..Nothing really happened t day i guess..

cept steve showed up here unexpected and i looked like fuckin shit..i had loads of fun wif him!! I luv dis kid!! heh =)

Britt really is da best person in da whole world!! She is soo sweet!! And she has to deal wif soo much..and i luv and respect her soo much!! I dont know wat i would do without her..she really means everything to me!! i luv u soo much sweetie!! *Dont ever leave me*

everyone else can jus fuck off..fo all i care..and fo *whoever wrote in her journal* shes moved and moved on, so now its ur turn..you cant keep pickin at her cuz ya'll aint friends anymore..and like she said how its not only her fault dat ya'll aint friends anymore..well yah a friendship needs everyone to give put in and try fo it to keep going..think about it..if u wanted to be friends wif hillary duff but she didnt wanna be friends wif u could ya'll really be friends..NO!! So see not jus one person can give in to a friendship..everyone has to..

dats enough fo now..more latah..=/

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 29 November :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: depressed

I had a really horrible day t day!!

I fuckin hate my step dad..i hat emy mom..i hate my life!!

I want to jus die!! I wish i would die!! I can die..i will die..maybe t nite..maybe not..i hope so.. =/

Im not allowed to get online much anymore..my mom put parental controls and now it has a password on it..everyone knows it but me..fuck this!! I fuckin hate her!!

Im moving out again..and my mom is prosicuting *dont mind spellin* megan..i cant wait i hope she goes to jail i fuckin hate her!!

I mite not even go to FL now..i dont fuckin know anymore..=/

I dont know anything anymore..I HATE EVERYTHING..I jus fuckin wanna die..dats it..all i want is to DIE..is dat sucha big request?! Fuckin bastard named god..cant even do dat fo me..

wateva bye.. =/

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 28 November :: 6.24pm

Last Cigarette::Never..
Last Alcoholic Drink::last nite.. *grins* =)
Last Car Ride::Earlier t day..
Last Kiss::Jus 2 seconds ago..
Last Good Cry::A couple of days ago
Last Library Book checked out::I dont knw it was like last year..
Last Movie Seen in Theatres::The chainsaw masicar or somthing?
Last Book Read::Please stop laughing at me..
Last Movie Rented::Last nite we rented 3 but watched one..*Orange County*
Last Cuss Word Uttered::Fuck
Last Beverage Drank::Dr. Pepper
Last Food Consumed::Ice cream
Last Crush::mhmm Steve.
Last Phone Call::Steve gain..
Last TV Show Watched::Cribs rite now..
Last Time Showered::Last nite =)
Last Shoes Worn::
Last CD Played::Chingys
Last Item Bought::mhmm a shirt
Last Download::Tupacs new song..rach made me download! =)
Last Annoyance::Wilson
Last Disappointment::Ashley couldnt go to da mall wif us =/
Last Soda Drank::Dr Pepper
Last Thing Written::An email to Courtney
Last Key Used::I dont know.
Last Word Spoken::Brittany..lol
Last Sleep::Last nite..fo bout 3 hours lol
Last IM::Courtney
Last Sexual Fantasy::Wtf nice questino haha
Last Weird Encounter::it would have to still have been bout a week ago last sat when i met meg n mis
Last Ice Cream Eaten::Ben and Jerrys cookie dough ice cream
Last Time Amused::When Steve and Joshie were argueing lol
Last Time Wanting To Die::How bout rite now..
Last Time In Love::T nite..yesterday..mhmm dunno
Last Time Hugged::when steve got here..before dat when court got here..
Last Time Scolded::A min ago by my mom
Last Time Resentful::I dunno
Last Chair Sat In::The one im sittin in rite now..DUH!!
Last Lipstick Used::Cherry cola lip gloss
Last Underwear Worn::THe ones im wearin rite now..DUH!!
Last Bra Worn::omg does this person think im friggin naked?!
Last Shirt Worn::This aeropostal shirt im WEARIN!!
Last Webpage Visited::duh this one u fag!!

"Last" Survey brought to you by BZOINK!

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 28 November :: 6.05pm

What makes you laugh?:When ppl get hurt..ex joshie =)
Who is your hero?:Brittany Marie Gamester!!
Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?:Brittany Marie Gamester
How many pairs of shoes do you own?:mhmm let me go count..14 pairs!! Geesh i need some more shoes..*screams MOMMY*
Seriously... Where does the other sock end up?:Wat other sock? Did u lose a sock?
Who do you blame for your mood today?:My mood t day..well i blame..Steve!! =)
If the Internet were sex... I would:Be a fuckin whore!
Have you ever seen a dead body?:yesh..=/
What is something scientists need to invent?:Oh we had this question in history last year..me and marci said they need a thingy like on the jetsons like wher eu stand in da tube and can go anywher ein da whole house!!
What should we do with stupid people?:Give them a million dollors seeings how im stupid =)
Have you ever broken a bone?:Yesh lots of em!
Do you watch local news? Why?:No i get confused too easy..ask Amber
What happens after you die?:Well i will go to hell where will u go?
How big is your bed? Big enough?:Queen..and yesh its friggin huge!!
How long do you think you will live?:Fo another 2 and a half hours!

Random Thought Provokers brought to you by BZOINK!

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behindmysmile

:: 2003 28 November :: 5.42pm

+ Basics +
Are you emotional ::Yesh very!!
Do songs make you cry? If so, name a few ::Mhmm not really..cept one *Angel* by Shaggy..
What about movies ::Yesh lots..Save the last dance..love and basketball..Hardball..lots!!
What emotion do you usually feel ::Sadness..
+ Sadness +
What does it take to make you cry your heart out ::cry my heart out? mhmm..lately..not too much.. =/
How many times have you done that ::i dont even know where to start countin..
Where do you cry ::In my room
Do you hate crying ::No..im used to it by now..
Do you like it when others cry ::Why would some1 like something like dat? Dats cruel..
Do you think tears make eyes look pretty ::sometimes..it jus gives them some kind of glow.
Who looks good when they cry ::Adam!!
How else do you express sadness ::I dont wanna say.. =/
Are you sad all the time ::not all da time..
+ Anger +
What does it take to make you mad ::Oh gosh..i unno..but 1 thing is when ppl talk shit behind pplz baks..
What do you do when you're angry ::Swear, yell, scream, bitch alot..lots of stuff..sometimes fite..
How short is your temper ::Actually im very tolerent..
How long does it take you to calm down ::mhmm i dont really know..dont seem like too long..
What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad ::I dont wanna say dat either.. =/
Do you freak out when others are angry ::yah sometimes..some ppl
Has anyone ever recommended anger management to you ::Only my mom but she dont count..
What's the worst thing someone's done to make you mad ::I dont know..i dont really get mad..i get sad..
Do you anger people ::Yah alot of da time..
+ Joy +
How often are you happy ::well sometimes..
What makes you happy ::Being wif my friends..makin someone else happy..doing something fun..i unno
What do you do when you're happy ::I dont get this question..do other ppl do something diff when thier happy? I jus go about my business..
How optimistic are you ::not very!
Do happy people make you mad ::No not at all!!
What's the worst thing someone can do while they're happy ::Ruin my mood..be a bitch..talk shit..i unno
Ever been so happy you were dying to tell everyone ::yesh!!
Ever been so happy you cried ::yah hehe good example::Last summer::2nd time i met britt::
Do you smile a lot ::Not anymore..
Kiss people a lot::Hell yesh!! =)
Who really makes you happy ::My bestest friend britterz!!
Do you like doing things for people when you're happy ::I luv doing things fo other ppl regardless if im happy or not..
+ Fear +
What do you do when you're scared ::depends on wat im scared of!
What scares you ::Losing my bestest friend..and other friends..but failing too =(
Do you like scaring people ::oh yesh!!
Do you like the trill of being frightened ::sometimes!!
Does fear accompany anger in your case ::uhm no
Ever been so scared you couldn't breathe ::yesh a few times.. =/
How often do you panic ::Not too often..
What's the one thing that scared you more than anything else EVER ::Jus one thing?? mhmm anytime that ive ever felt like id lose britt
What do you do to calm your nerves ::I used to write poetry..nuffin anymore tho
Do rollercoasters scare you ::hell no!! i Luv rollercoasters!!
+ The strongest emotion +
What song never fails to get your strongest emotions going ::*Perfect* by Simple Plan
Movie ::Hardball
Commericial ::i hate commercials they drive me nuts!!
Person ::Brittany korse
Thing ::My monkey..happy!! =)
Sight ::Someone crying
Sound ::Someone yelling/cryin
Food ::food? lol wtf?
Thing you're looking forward to/want ::Going to FL this winter vaca!!! =) *hopefully seeing britt* =)
+ What do you do +
When the emotion suck ::I dunno pout bout it..
When the emotion rocks ::I dunno..Smile =)
When there's no emotion ::There usually isnt any.. =/
+ Would you rather +
Never feel again ::yesh
Feel loneliness or anger for the rest of your life ::I do now..and it sucks so no..
Be happy forever and never experience bad times ::Well dat would be kinda boring wouldnt it?
Cause misery ::NO!!
Feel misery ::NO!!
Be alone ::NO!!
Be with everyone you know ::Yesh! =)
+ Who +
Cheers you up more than anyone else ::Brittany or Courtney!
Angers you more than anyone else ::Brittney Stewart!!
Scares you more than anyone else ::i unno..myself..=/
Makes you think about your emotions more than anyone else ::Becky Dawn or Courtney
Makes you really care about how they feel and what they think ::Courtney

Emotions brought to you by BZOINK!

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