If you need me..You know be there!!

If you need me..You know be there!!

:: 2004 26 April :: 12.23pm

Hold me tight and never let me go..
Wow, this last weekend was fuckin horrible. I ended up quiting my job on sat.

And then I couldn�t go rockin bowling wif kala n everyone else like I was going to. And then yesterday on Sunday I ended up running away and had James come pick me up and take me bak home this morning for skool at like 6 am. So yeah my weekend wasn�t that good =(

Gosh and then my puter is f�ed up so yeah I really cant like get online for a long while. Im not sure when the next time is that I can get online. Maybe a week or so. SO yeah I cant talk wif alla you for a while which sucks.

And yeah we�ve gotta start over you guys..everyone sigh now..yeah I hate me too. Brittany if you geton call me t nite plz!!

<33 Jilly

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 23 April :: 7.10pm

http://www.postpoems.com/members/behindmysmile/

Everyone go there, its some of my poems..not many are on there yet. But plz go check it out..and leave comments!! =)

*Britty ill be bak t nite, i hope to talk wif you i luv you*

*Jay i hope u have a wonderful nite i luv you lots* =)

<333 Jilly!!

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 23 April :: 9.57am

i love you jill i love you jill i love you jill i love u jill i love you jill i love you jill i love you jill

-Duffey

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 22 April :: 9.44pm
:: Mood: lonely

The end is near, i can feel it..
Omfg, i am soo sick of that skool. Everyone says they care jus ohh soo much. But okay heres a perfect example of how much none of my friends care..

Today i was walkin outta 2nd hour, and guess whose standin rite there Kyndra I aint seen her since before spring break. So i was soo happy and excited But i knew it was going to be one of the last times.. that i woudl get to talk, or even see her. Cuz i knew, *cuz sherry told me yesterday* that she was going to be done the week after next week. So 2 weeks away But no guess wat? Today was the LAST FUCKIN DAY i did everything i could to hold bak my tears while i was wif her. She even got me this present, it was a jurnal, and told me to write in it, and to never forget her.. But then i walk out, and go to 3rd hour and i start crying. nobody says a word to me, lunch comes around, im sittin here talkin wif my friends and i start crying nobody says a word to me, and thier lookin rite at me, so i walk into the bathroom, bawl my eyes out the rest of lunch and jus sit there durin 4th hour crying. nobody even noticed i was gone.. I leave for the bus early so i wont have to see anyone, nobody notices,

So i come home hoping someone would IM me or call me, or something..but no nobody really wants to talk to me. I dont know wat to do anymore, i have nobody. And im seriously still cryin cuz i didnt knw taht was going to be the last time seeing kyndra!! Wtf!! *I think im gonna get sick* I cant stop crying, I cant talk to anyone, im soo stressed out over this newspaper, and ive been busy every single day this week. And im still busy all weekend. i dont know wat to do Well thats enough complaining for today. Bye..

Ali jean, i luv you and ima always be here no matter wat happens

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 21 April :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: depressed

Just kill me now..
Omg every1 is mad at me today, why does every1 do this to me?! Jays mad bcuz i said you 2..im sorry im in a bad mood, i didnt mean anything by it. Becky is mad at me cuz she thinks im jealous of her and brandy becoming good friends, and brandy is mad at me for nott alkin to her and havin other friends..and thier both mad cuz i dont talk to them when thier together or some shit like that, which aint true they dont talk to me neither, and then britts mad cuz like im talkin to stacey or something and im stupid cuz of that. Mike is mad at me bcuz i wouldnt tell him why i was crying earlier. Stacey is mad at me cuz britt yelled at her..wtf does that have to do wif me?! Ick i wish someone would jus talk to me, and understand wat im feeling sometimes, i always have to help every1, and nobdoy ever helps me!! I hate this!! ='(

Isnt there anyone here who cares about Jill? I mean i have feelings too, i cant help you all, all the time, i need some fuckin help, I need some fuckin medicine thats wat i need, im fuckin depressed, and i have migranes like u wont believe, and i seriously cant sleep ever, but of korse i cant see a doctor cuz my mom is fuckin crazy too. I need to talk to someone that dont only care bout themselves. But nobody wants to talk to me, ex right now. I wish i could jus die. freal. ='( If there really was a god he would fuckin jus like kill me right now, actually he would make me die slowly, the most painful death, i would rather die of cancer than live any longer, and i swear to god i mean that.

I dont need ur fuckin sympothy, i dont need you to talk shit about me, i dont need anything except for your FUCKIN HELP Well sicne nobody cares, and nobody will prolly read this, im gonna go. Bye!!

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 20 April :: 9.03pm
:: Mood: pissed off

The biggest mistake of your life..
Omg, my day was going okay, i mean i got to go see miss conrad/mrs beer for like an hour with Brittney and everything but then i had to come home to this shit. Ick!!

First my mom is being a total and complete bitch, and then kirste is being fuckin stupid. And of krose me and brandy got into a fight at skool and thhen i couldnt get a hold of her all friggin night long. But the worst part..

I asked britt to do me a favor..she did no prob. Then she starts like yellin at stacey and yeah so stac freaks out and everything and then like she starts yellin at me when i get bak online. And thier all in an arguement, and then stacey tries to make me choose between to two again. Obviously imgoing to choice britt, obviously she means more to me than anyone ever has, wat a fuckin idiot is she tryin to make me piss her off? Read::

AnGeLbAyBLyF: u needa choose m r her
AnGeLbAyBLyF: :'(
xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: u cant make me choose
AnGeLbAyBLyF: yess
AnGeLbAyBLyF: u either want me r her
AnGeLbAyBLyF: look how shes treatin me it hurts
xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: yeah i nkow but that aint got shit to do wif me
xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: and if you really wanna lose a good friend like me
xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: then go ahead try and make me choose
xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: cuz obviously you already know my choice

See wat i mean, shes fuckin stupid i souldnt have to choose between my best friends. See my baby ali jean would never do that to me, we never ever fight * i luv you for that baby gurl*

Well im donebitchin for today, Jay if you read this i luv you lots and im sorry i couldnt talk to you today, my sis was online talkin to her bf, miss you tons!! And britt i luv you and imnot mad at you for the whole stacey thing, most likely we'll talk to 2marro, i hope =( neways luv you lots chicka!!

<33 meeehhhh!! ='(

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 20 April :: 9.03pm
:: Mood: pissed off

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 20 April :: 12.13pm

29 D a Y z!!

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 18 April :: 7.58pm
:: Mood: rejected

Forever couldnt be long enough..
Well this weekend, was..busy! But im not going to get all into that like i always do. That jus gets real boring..real fast lol. I dont know i guess i had an okay weekend. Yesterday wasnt good at all. But today, has been okay. Kinda boring at times. But okay. I got to talk to britty alot. And we actually talked about stuff. Surprising. I love that gurl soo much. Read::

xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: r u leavin me?
Xobabibrittx: not a chance
xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: never ever?:-)
Xobabibrittx: never ever ever
xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: if i keep my 50 days promise you have to keep that one..FOREVER?! okays?:-P
Xobabibrittx: forever n after
Xobabibrittx: several days after
xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: several days? But what if i dont go to *heaven*=-O
Xobabibrittx: uh oh
Xobabibrittx: than ill tell em no thanks :-)
Xobabibrittx: ide much rather burn in hell w/ muh jilly bean

Britty u are the best friend that ive ever had i luv u more than anything. Never forget that. You are the bestest!! =)

And jay i hope that your feeling better. And i sure hope u and britt are doing GREAT!! I luv you both. *mwuz*

Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything in me

Well gotta go everyone. Hope u all have a great day. Luv you all. byes!!

27 DaYz today everyone

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 17 April :: 11.33pm
:: Mood: lonely

when its all said and done.. your gone..
I had like the worst day ever. Some things were okay. Like work i had fun wif Danielle i havent seen her in like ages. But i still had the worst day. The only person today whose asked about my day was Jay. I told him a few things..but nothing thats really bothering me. Everything tahts going on is like way too personal to tell anyone these days. I seriously dont know wat to do with myself. Its been 26 days and im scared that im going to fail britt and myself. Im scared of myself right now. I jus want to die. Really, but i cant. I cant fail britt. AGAIN!! I jus wish everything would be wonderful again..='(

I dont know im jsu going to go in my room, and bawl my eyes out. Theres nobdoy to talk to. Bcuz nobody cares. I jus want to die. Ohh yeah..me n joshie got a new cellie *416 1724* not that anyone will ever use it. Well ima go. Bye everyone =(

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 16 April :: 12.13pm

This is your life and its ending one moment at a time.
Gosh i friggin hate skool soo much!! And everyone in it. I cant wait until i turn 16 so that i can drop out of this gay ass skool. Yesterday i had to go home from skool after 1st hour bcuz im soo sick of everyone They all hate me and thier soo fuckin rude to me and i really dont deserve this bullshit All i do is try and be the best friend that i can for them and then they do this to me..well it aint gonna be that way for long you watch.

Geesh if i didnt have Jay to talk to last nite i wouldnt have had anyone Isnt that sad? Someone that i barely know, someone that lives in florida is the only person that was there for me i dont know about you but i find that pretty sad. But Jay i love you soo much babes, im happy were becoming better friends, and i know theres more to come. I love you baby boi

Well im jus goin to get going, nothing to write about i guess. Except for tonight omg im soo busy, ive got 3 appt. for the business manager thing. Ive got to go to my tanner, and then Subway, and then to this pizza place im hoping that i can get some ads there. And then ive gotta go to this nursing home for an interview to be a volenture there. Then ive gotta go to the rac, for riot on fire with becky and cassie. Busy day t nite..well im gonna go luv you all lots byes!!

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 14 April :: 10.21pm

A must read..at least brit u must read!!
I could never truely thank you for everything that you have done for me. Your the most important thing in my whole life. I dont think there is one day that i havent gone by thinking, "I wonder what she is doing? I wonder whose shes with? I wonder how shes doing?" I feel as though i am one of the luckiest people in this entire world. I have been blessed with the gift of your friendship. You are the kind of person that people want to be friends with their whole life. The kind of person that people met for even just a half an hour, and walk away feeling like they were just touched by an angel. Something changed in me when you came into my life. I became a better person. You taught me how to truely care about someone with all of thier heart. You taught me how to forgive someone even when it seemed crazy to forgive them for the horrible thing they did. You taught me everything that i know about love, friendship, forgiveness, and life. I would be lost if i didnt know that somewhere out there, you would always be standing, holding out your hand to guide me back to path that im surposed to be headed on. You are seriously the most amazing person that ive ever met. And i just want you to know that i admire you and look up to you soo much. You are soo strong, and brave and you have soo much courage to do the things that i could never do. And i want you to know, that if today our friendship were to end for some horrific reason, you would always be in my heart, you would always be my best friend, you will always be the person that i admire and trust most, but most importantly until the day i die, you will always be the person that changed me and my life, and for that, i will never and could never forget about you, my best friend, Brittany Marie Gamester.

Srry, i jus got thinking, and jus thought i would letyou know how much i care about you and how much you mean to me, and yeah just wrote this lol. I love you more than anything in this WHOLE WORLD britty. You mean everything to me.

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 14 April :: 11.38am
:: Mood: lethargic

Nothing could make life any worse..
Britty i luv you soo much sweetie ur the sweetest person ever!!

Wow today has been horrible already. Cassie promised dat we could talk before skool today but i knew that cassie brown woudl like not want her to leave so then cassie used that as an excuse so we didnt talk and now shes avoiding me!! Ick i hate this bullshit.

Then James called me again last nite..i seriously dont know wat to do here, i want to be wit him soo fuckin bad but i realy dont. Its soo confusing..i jus miss him i want him to come over tonight. He said he'll try after he gets outta work. I cant wait i need him. ='( I didnt really want us to break up i guess..dammit im stupid.

Geesh and things were going to soo good for me, and then all of this shit happens ick im soo sick of this!! I need someone to talk to but everyone is always soo busy or thier friggin mad at me. Everyone is mad at me I hate this.

Well im giong to jus get going. Gotta go to lunch, and hang out wif ick..cassie and then brandy korse..always on an A day. I think im jus gonna go to the library or something my gosh i have them. Well thats enough byes.

Ali jean i luv you more than anything sweetie pie!!

23 DaYz today everyone!!

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 13 April :: 10.52pm
:: Mood: drained

Your words are wat tore this heard apart..
Well..wow, today is the first day taht ive actually been online. And omg am i ever glad that i did =) Brittany marie gamester is the most amazing person in the whole world..i luv you soo much babes!!

I couldnt help you.. wtf is that? I dont know if she understands how much she hurt me more by not talking to me!! For a whole friggin year!! I was more depressed and crazy last year bcuz she hated me. Ick!! I hate ppl who have stupid judgement!!

Ohh shit ive got homework to do. Dammit i hate this working hard in school shit its really gettin boring and hard lol. But i must, i must. Hey everyone i got my grades up, thier not good, but thier still up. you all sould be proud lol. Neways i must go. Just thought i would write in here..*brit check ur email..* P.s. Chels i miss you, luvyou ltos!!

Ali jean i luv you more than the sky is blue, you mean everything to i would die without you *mwuz*

22 DaYz today everyone.. =X *sigh*

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