H2OforDuo
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2003 20 November :: 11.16pm
:: Music: Tubular bells
I'm going to fall, and no one here will catch me. I'll be alowed to fall on my but in the dirt, laughed at and then pulled up. Nii, you neeed to come here. If Hunter is reading this, know that I love you more than just a friend, though you may not return my feelings.
I'm falling...Catch me...
~Caro, the Lost
P.S. Please read the post below this.
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H2OforDuo
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2003 20 November :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: Confuzed and alone
I am continualy realizing that I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me and might actualy love one of my best friends...
Will I only be a comrade forever?
Never the Lady Love,
Never a kiss or caress or soft touch,
Always a pat on the back,
A manly hug.
Will I never be swept off my feet and led into a kiss?
Will I always long for something no one is willing to give?
I need someone to catch me when I fall,
instead of someone to let me fall on my but in the dirt
and then help me up.
Never even a soft touch
for the Comrade,
Caroline,
The Lost.
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H2OforDuo
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2003 19 November :: 12.30pm
:: Mood: drained
Here I am again...At school...
Well, folkels, here I am at school when I really should be home. ; . ; My stomach hurts like a Bit**, I ache, my head hurts and the halucinations are still there even though I'm on yet another med. I can't beleive it. Not at all. My eyes burn like I'm about to cry and need sleep. Next week we have off. Oh, thank the Gods. I can't beleive it. More and more meds keep falling into my hands. I'm frightened. Anywho, Nii is having touble with Coke and Squeek. Fortunately Alex is not being troublesome. i need to go, social studies is starting.
Toodlepip,
Caro the lost
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H2OforDuo
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2003 18 November :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: distressed
*Is a zombi* I just found out that I'm actualy on one thousand mgs of Seraquel. I slept through the first three classes of the day and came home around 1:30 p.m. brcause we thought I had the flu. Not even Monty Python can cheer me up. Though a heart felt thank you to Nii for trying.
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H2OforDuo
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2003 17 November :: 10.02pm
:: Mood: frustrated
well your still doing it!...But it's okay... (Yeah right)
So I was bothering my sister after she hellped me with my math homework and she's all like "You're really bothering me!" So I leave and tell Mum that Aimee is peeved with me or whatever so she says to leave her alone. So I come back into the office and I say "I'm sorry about pestering you..." and she says "Well your still doing it!" and walks into the kitchen for dinner and calls "but It's okay..."
Yeah right.
Other than that my brain is on overload and shit, so I cna't think stright or use my usual wit in my posts. Ah, fuck. I hear Luci crying...
Anyway...I refused to go to sleep last night because I was pissed at the way I was being treated as dirt. "You should do exacrly as they say so you wont get Dad's haert rate up" or some such shit like that. They should wory about ME for once! Gods almighty! I'm halucinating to the max, which might I add is geting WORSE every day, And they're all like "Yea, lets see how many pills we can put you on before you fucking explode!". I got two more pills today. One of them I had once before and the effect was hidious. We're starting me on a lower dose this time. *Death glare* That's soooooooooooooo differant! Oh, and Tiffany is now "Ti Fanny, her Roayal Hinie-Ass" I came up with the title my self. Go me. ¬¬ I seel -so- special *It just oozes with sarcasm, doesn't it? Oi. It's dripping on the floor. Big Whoop-de-doo* I watched my tape of our class play of Oz (Which I titled my self) and I got all depressed. I Miss them so much! Shit, now I'm on the verge of tears...And you could never really see Alex N.'s face. I miss al the boys in partiqular. We were comrades. I miss that a lot. *Sigh* and now we're back to the wishing for love thing. If only if only the wood pecker sighs, the bark on the tree was a little bit softer...I know it's from Holes but it was a good book, and I find the poem fits my depressed mood. Nothing seems to be going right for me... Ah...Hello, Halucination. Hello, Voices that I cannot quite hear...Hello, Blobs and Ghosts and such...Hello wishes to self harm that I am finding harder and harder to resist...No blades...Just my fingernails..No blood, no conspiquous mess...Hello...Hello...Goodbye...I wish...All go away...
I need somone to catch me when I fall...I fear this will be soon...I need someone to hold me...To love me...To catch me when I fall...
Hello...
Hello....
Goodbye....
~Caro, The Lost
2 disappointments |
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H2OforDuo
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2003 16 November :: 3.04pm
Sleeping
Blank sleep.
A bright red flash,
A jolt in my heart,
My eyes flew open,
My heart beating all to fast.
What was it?
This is wht happened to me earlyer...
I dont know what it was, but it scared me all too badly.
I don't know if I've said this yet, but we have a new student named Esma at Hell-cyon. She's cool. Fortunately she is one of the non-idiots. ¬¬
Dear Santa,
Define "Good"...
~Caro the lost
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H2OforDuo
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2003 15 November :: 7.19pm
:: Mood: confused
*Whistful Sigh*
I'm madly in love with Hunter. I just returned from RPGing (which I do every Saturday). I think he and Alex Norton should have A Game Master Dule or something. Alex N. was such a good friend to me. I had such a crush on him. I guess I still do. I'm very frustrated though, about Hunter. I mean, I love him, but I don't think he loves me. At all. I mean, I wish I were beautiful like my sister or like Hana, or Kate! Actualy, I think I'd just like to be a lot thiner. I'm sure Hunter isn't atracted to me physicaly. Maybe he'd love me for my mind, but not my body. It's frustrating. It would be embarrasing if he read this. Maybe. Actualy, it would be, but I really want him to know how I feel, so It would actualy be okay. *Sigh* I'm just so confused about everything....The voices, school, homework, my feelings for Hunter, The fact that seven people live in the house, the fact that two of those poeple are always fighting with others...etc. etc. Oh, and my dad had a heart atack. I don't know If I said that in an earlyer post. He's fine, though. He's back at home now. So much just keeps going on...
~Caroline, the lost
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H2OforDuo
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2003 13 November :: 3.45pm
Here I am at My Psycologyst's....
Well. It would seem that my poor Nii is geting sicker and sicker. So I'm here working on my meds. Aperently Seraquel has a weight gain factor dependant on dose level. I'm on 800 mgs of it. ; . ; *Cry* So it looks like I might be geting on some new meds, but were trying up-ing my Trileptal first. Mum is all sad because Zyprexa is making her gain weight. Yea. so....
Sue (My psycologyst) Say's I'm doing well for what's going on in mah life. -yay-
~Caro
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H2OforDuo
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2003 12 November :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: Depressed
IMAX
It's not fair. Truly it isn't. I cnat help being bi-polar one, I cant help the halucinations. I can't help being me, and you know what? I just realized: I don't want to!
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H2OforDuo
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2003 12 November :: 4.26pm
:: Mood: lonely and lost
Well, here I am at school again...Second Post, as promissed.
(If you havent read my first post of the day, please do so before reading this one.)
Blarg. I can't get the coumputer to accept the "Dyana" story file from the AlphaSmart I'm using. *Hisses* I just fineshed all my homework and stuff. We "got" *Quote Quote* to do the "scavanger Hunt" they are doing at the Museum (~cry~). We had to do 15 total (If not more) and first we had to do as many as we could without the computer. I did twenty four. Tiffany did -ten- I feel really smart O_o;; yea. I started up one of the other mac computers (This was at 9:30 a.m.) and a message poped up "Sorry, a system error occured.
address error
To temporarily turn off extenions, resart and hold down the shift key *restart button-thingy*" So I clicked restart. the button turned black. I held down shift. The computer has been like that all day. It is now 2:30 pm. *Sweatdrop* Yea. So I've been pressing the shift and power keys all friking day. Yea. *reaches over and presses the power key on the other key board the whole time she writes this message.* *lets go* ~sigh~ It didn't work. *Grrr...* *his, scratch.* The voices and blobs were still there, even though I'm taking a good handfull of pills. We added a new one yesterday. Rispredal. I had Major issues with that pill before. *Twitch* Baaaad memories. It makde me spaz occasionaly, some times drool and go slightly limp and made my thinking slow. I still have had no word of my lithium level yet. My mom may know and just isnt telling me. *Heaves a sigh* I'm so tired...I fell asleep at 8:33 pm last night and I still feel like I'm dead. Beyond dead. If only I hadn't woken up from that dream....*Sigh* But it was only a dream. I love him...Hunter is so awesome. He's intelegent, a great game master, has a wonderful personality...Besides that He's sexy. I feel so different when I'm around him. I think he really accepts me as me, but I'm not sure if he sees me as a girl, which is okay. That's kindof what I'm used to, because whenever I was with the guys at Mountain Shadows I was always more of a Comrad than a Fair Lady or Love Intrest. But I guess I'd like to be that Love Intrest without really loosing that Comrad thing. *sigh* I'm so lost.
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H2OforDuo
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2003 12 November :: 2.20pm
dreams
Spa-00t! I'm going to be updating from school today and may have 2 posts. The Good news:
Eep. I had a dream about Hunter last night. *Blush* It was great! I had writen him a poem about how I feel about him and was really nervious about showing it to him. I ended up showing it him. He looked it over and smiled his querky smile. "That's beautifull." He said. "How can I refuse something that beautiful?" And we kissed. Then I woke up. *Sigh*
The bad news:
Because I'm halucinating I dont get to go on the Gods Damned Feild trip to IMAX *Crys* I'm really pissed about this. And they won't let me go home! Gah!! *crys more*
I'm wondering what my dream means...? He has a girlfriend, and I remember thinking (in my dream) He has a girlfriend.. He'll think I'm an idiot. But he didn't...So. If dreams mean something maybe I should tell him...but what if they don't?
~I'm starting a book about a bi-polar/ Schitzophrenic[sp?] girl. I havent decided what time frame yet. Either now or in Medieval times. I'm leaning more twords now. I'll put that in here later...
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H2OforDuo
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2003 11 November :: 11.22am
:: Mood: exhausted
Falling
Falling.
Falling.
Black.
All I can see,
Black.
Falling through nothing,
Nothing
but black.
Falling through the nothingness that is my soul.
I’m choking.
I can’t breath.
Blackness fills my lungs,
My eyes.
The silence fills my ears,
I can’t see,
Hear,
Breath.
Falling.
I don’t know where I am,
Just that I’m falling.
That’s all I can tell.
Falling.
Slowly dying
because I can’t breath….
My air has run out
but I don’t struggle…
I know I’ll die.
I accept it.
It’s not like I care anymore anyway…
Falling…
Then,
I wake.
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Ahh....Last night I though I was going to kill someone. I swear it. I hate moodswings... I also hate my mother. You see, I'm posting from school and she was suposed to call to say why I didnt do my homework. Instead she called to say I needed to go to math class. I'm very VERY pissed about this.Other than that I think I'm going to faint from exhaustion from trying to deal with the things and the vices and whats going on at home and moodswings and trying to get my homework done. Gah. If I aint, maybe they'll let me go home... I just want to cry. And cry and ry and cry. I'm scared. I don't want to go back to a Hospital...
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I still haven't gotten news of my lithium level....
THANKS A LOT MOM *Hiss*
~Caro
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H2OforDuo
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2003 9 November :: 2.58pm
:: Mood: drained
Nicole, where are you?
I'm hearing voices now. Yes, on top of everything else, voices. Nicole is still not here and something is living in my room. I couldn't sleep there last night. *Sigh*
On a lighter note I changed my background music. I find it more apropreate. It's from FFX. It's called the Calm Before the Storm.
I'm not quite sure what there is that I can do anymore, really. It's hard for me to think anymore. The house is quite crowded, so It's never realy quiet anymore. Not like it's ever realy quiet for me now...
I'm hoping Nii will give me her live journal code.
I would apreciate it if you are saying something that has nothing to do with my post that you put it in my guestbook. Thank you.
~Caro
P.S.
I finaly got my lithium level checked (*Shudder*) but we haven't gotten the results back yet. I'm really scared at this point. Gah. I'm helpless to this. I wish there was something I could do.
1 disappointment |
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H2OforDuo
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2003 7 November :: 11.16pm
What am I supposed to do,
How am I to know?
How would I know what to do with this so-called life?
I found a bag. On it it said “life.” So I thought, “Hmmn, this could be interesting. I opened it and peered inside eagerly. It was empty. So now I carry around the bag as a so-called life. It says “Life” on it, but there is nothing in there. So what should I do with this so-called life? Or if I had a life, what would I do with it? Nothing seems to make sense anymore. Now the bag is filled with ghosts and globs of goo that want to hurt me.But is it beter to have it filled witth bad than to it be empty? I’m not so sure…
1 disappointment |
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H2OforDuo
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2003 7 November :: 11.21am
Oh yea.
Yes, I've joined Nee in the posting from school-ness. Please read the below post.
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