Trash/Basura

Trash/Basura

:: 2004 21 November :: 8.35pm

Well, I'm back, at least for tonight. I cant take too long. I'm on my dad's computer. I'll write more later, and go into details, as I am in the kitchen and everybody is about, but here's the highlights:

Ian became my boyfriend.
Things got going a bit too fast.
I realized I have a fear of men in relationships.
I broke up with Ian (Which was really hard and I still feel bad)
I decided to temporarily become a lesbian untill I can figure out this fear.
That sounds really stupid.

Oh yea. I'm a boy for the day. I wore boxers and let my pants be really low just to see what boys find apealing about it. It was fun ^^ Maybe I'll do it again some time XP

Love you all.

~Caro

1 disappointment | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 7 November :: 12.24pm
:: Mood: content

*Squee*
Last night was one of the best nights of my life.
I went with Ian to this thing he was doing with his band (Ian (Gituar and bagpipes), his dad (Accordion) and his younger brother Ryan (violin)) up in Gold hill (a tiny town up in the mountains). It was kind of a fundraiser for his old school (K-2), so he knew everybody. They play celtic music. Oh my God, they rocked. It was insane. They were the openning band for another band (who played rock). It was totaly great. They announced that they had a hay ride and they said they had a draft horse, so of course, I had to go see it. It was beautiful. He was an eighteen hand pure blood black draft. When Ian and his band finished I made him come see the horse XD he asked if I wanted to go on the hay ride and I was like, 'hell yea!', but I said, "Sure." It was so geourgios up there. There was hardly any light pollution and you could see all the stars so brightly...I leaned on him and he put his arm around me. "Does this bother you?" he said. Quoth I, "No...not at all."
Whe got back right as the band was starting to play. Ian kind of wandered off to go see some of the other people. He came back to check on me and I was like, "You should dance." So we danced. So much fun. It was the first time I've danced since I was like, five or something. It was probably made easier by the fact that I thought I'd never see these people ever again. XP
Anywho, during the care ride on the way back, Ian insisted on sitting in the middle seat in the car. He had his arm around me the whole way back down to Boulder.

Dad says he too old for me, but he doesn't know I like him. Ian said he'd call me today. *Squee*

Much love to you all.

4 disappointments | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 1 November :: 7.13pm

When Aimee's dad when to the hospital, he was pretty much dillirious from dehydration. The didn't know why all this happened till last night.

Aimee's dad has brain cancer. They're giving him six months to a year to live.

That's right. He's only 65. Aimee is his only child, he's not married. So Aimee's going to go to California where he lives to take care of him.

This obviously means that she's leaving.

~Caro

2 disappointments | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 30 October :: 8.50pm

I missed my chance
Okay. A lot has happened over the past several weeks, starting with:

My dad had surgery. He was in the hospital but he is home now. He's still not doing well.

Second important event: (Yesterday) Aimee's dad was found on the floor of his house. He'd been lying there for FIVE days. He was rushed to the hospital. Mom and Aimee went to see him in California.

Which leads to: I'm taking care of dad now. I got to go over to Hunter's and rpg, but I couldn't stay for the night. They're going to rp ALL NIGHT. And I could have been there.
-_- But no.
It's not like I can blame Mom, or Aimee or dad. But It makes me a little hacked off, because the guys do that stuff all the time, and I never get to take part. I had a chance. I missed it. I always want be closer to them! I want to be as close as they are...but I can't be. Maybe if I had stayed tonight I would have gotten just a little bit closer to that goal...Just a little bit.
But no.
I was so close. So close.

~Caro

1 disappointment | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 27 October :: 11.39pm

I have a new crush.
His name is Ian, and he's a total sweetheart. He's a junior (I think) and he's never had a girlfriend, and it makes him sad. He's like, 6'3" or somesuch and makes me feel reeeeally short. Today he managed to get first period off and we took a walk behind the school. It's so pretty back there. I'd never been there before. But I think he likes Chelsea. Which makes me sad. But she's nice, and he needs someone nice. He lives right by me, too. I told him we should hang out sometime, because he's fun to be around. Unfortunately I don't get to see him that much. Ah, well. I have his phone number now. ^_^ He said no one had given him a hug in a really long time...So I gave him a hug. I hugged two really tall people today. Pottery Max, and Ian. I had a good day, but it kind of died because Medicine Horse got canceled. T.T *Sigh* But all in all, it was a good day.

My Girls Leadership Thingy has an overnight on Friday. We're supposed to wear our Halloween costumes. ^_____^ It'll be fun. I shure hope Rhiann is there...I like her. She's spiffy. I at least know that Teauge will be there. And she's cool too. Yea...So that's all I can think of at the moment.

I like Ian XP

~Caro

1 disappointment | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 16 October :: 9.51pm

RPG IS BACK ON!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!

*Dances*

1 disappointment | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 12 October :: 7.06pm

incarnadine love
And so the story ends my friend,
It is more,
This is the end.
I smile upon your lifeless body,
Sword in hand.
I see your blood,
the incarnadine hue that I love.
Ah, to see your blood spilt at last,
by my hand,
by my hand.
I laugh,
Laugh at your spirit as it reluctantly leaves its useless pathetic shell.
Yes,
You were always pathetic,
always useless.
I turn from this scene of death and damage,
Smiling still.
Leaving for you
A rose,
That same incarnadine color,
The color of my love for you.

-.::Caro::.-

2 disappointments | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 11 October :: 9.40pm

badgurl98540: jello
dragongurl4390: Jello
badgurl98540: i think that i might like matts best friend will... the onw with the bracelkets
dragongurl4390: Will?
badgurl98540: yea
badgurl98540: :-[
dragongurl4390: Aw....
dragongurl4390: I'm sorry hun.
badgurl98540: aww what?
dragongurl4390: *Hugs*
badgurl98540: tis ok
badgurl98540: hugs back
badgurl98540: so whats up?
dragongurl4390: No much. Just sad and mad and hating myself.
badgurl98540: WHY???
dragongurl4390: I dunno.
badgurl98540: will is attracted to me!! yaya
badgurl98540: yay!!
dragongurl4390: W00T!
badgurl98540: that makes me happy
dragongurl4390: ^_^
badgurl98540: i have to go take a bath and soakemy hand... ill see you at school?
dragongurl4390: Indeed.
dragongurl4390: Do I ever ditch?
dragongurl4390: ^_^;
badgurl98540: nope not to ymy knowladge
badgurl98540: ok..love you
badgurl98540 direct connection is closed.
dragongurl4390: Love you too

Fuck. It's been two days. TWO DAYS. And I already lost my chance...

FUCKING HELL

1 disappointment | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 11 October :: 8.55pm

Another bad day. Mandi punched a wall and broke her knuckle and sprained her wrist. BAKA!!! I swear. sometimes that girls drives me up the fucking wall!!!!!!!

I'm being too angry lately. Normaly I'd just be worried. But nooooo. Instead I'm angry as a son of a bitch. GAH! Sometimes I hate myself so much.

These tears...
These tears I just can�t cry.
Why can�t I cry!?
Just let these emotions flow away like a river.
But no!
They build up,
kept back as if by a dam.
Why go on?
Why?
Is it even worth it?
Why?
Why!?
Leave me alone.
Alone in the solitude of my held back tears,
and my too many fears.
I am alone...
I do not want to be.
But I am.
And I can�t let anybody in.
I don�t want to tell these secrets of mine.
I don�t want you to know.
The counsel you give seems nothing but meaningless words strung out in a line,
Directed at me,
Even though I don�t hear.
I wish...
I wish that I had someone.
Someone to be with me.
Or do I?
I don�t know.
I�m not sure if I want to be alone anymore...
But I�m not sure if I don�t want to be alone anymore.
Why must my head think so much, and why must I feel this pain!?
I don�t want it anymore!
Make it go away!
Make it go away!
The tears won�t come,
I�m blinded with rage and hate,
And then I fall back into the shadows of despair.
And I feel the shadows of the buildings as I walk through the empty streets of my mind,
Littered with debris and useless garbage,
Clutter of nothingness that fogs my mind and drives me insane.
But I am already insane.
I have been for a while now.
My madness....
I do not understand my own mind.
Nobody really can understand their mind...
But me...
Me.
Who is this Me?
Who is this I?
Myself?
What is that?
I do not know.
Social anxiety.
Get away from me.
These seething masses of unknown entities,
Thronging masses of movement,
Washing over me,
Drowning me,
Killing me,
Suffocating me.
The lace and black curtains are drawn and I am alone again.
Cut off from the world.
Good.
I wish not for the company of fools.
Damned fools.
All of them.
I am,
However,
Once again,
alone.
All alone in my world of blinding pain,
Without even my tears to keep me company.

~:.-.:Caro:.-.:~

If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 10 October :: 6.13pm

The RPG we did today was great. Everybody woked together and we had a lot of fun.
But
This was the last one. Hunter is not doing the RPG any more. He may be starting it up again eventually...

Eventually.

Eventually could be a long way away. But this does mean that I'll have Sundays free for a bit. My mom wants me to still see Jon on the weekends every now and then...but we never have anything to do. It's really not that fun for me...I know I should, because I'm like, his only friend...but...you know.

Kelly, this leaves more days to go to that haunted house.

I cried though. This means I kind of lost more than half my friends. That's right. I cried after we dropped off Jon and Max. My mom was all mad because I'm "always in a bad mood lately". But she isn't mad anymore. Mostly.

Nee needs to move to Colorado. My life would be a million times better if she did.

Lots of stuff has happened. Mat broke up with Mandi. In a not good way.
Homecoming was a bitch.
I've been utterly depressed and angry for a long time.
I tried to hurt myself a few nights ago (no razors for me, though. Stinging disinfectent on cuts and fingernails in skin, neither of which worked, due to my high pain resistance.)
and other general shit. I need to go eat. see yah.

~Caro

1 disappointment | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 10 October :: 1.26am

Fuck
Fuck. Homecoming (which I have been stressing over to the point of having a nervous breakdown yesterday) sucked like all hell. I'll write more later. To depressed to type.

1 disappointment | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 29 September :: 8.37pm

I miss my baby...
So, I went to Medicine Horse for the first time in like, three months. I got to see a picture of Sierra. She was running. She's so beautiful now...

I cried.

Yeh...I MISS MY BABY

I knew her since she was itty bitty and fuzzy, so afraid of people...Then she chose me. Me. And so I took care of her, helped her, made it so she could be around people. That horse will always be part of my heart. Hopefully I'll see her again soon. I miss her so much.

The new babies are coming in probably this week. I'm exited. I saw pictures of them. They're so cute!

Being with the horses makes me so happy...
But this week, the week that I finaly get back, is Mandi's last week -_-

Kat's depressed but she won't tell me why...

~Caro

If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 28 September :: 8.36pm

I FOUND MY HOODIE!

1 disappointment | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 27 September :: 10.59pm

Well, I think I lost my favoritest item of clothing: My Jack Skellington hoodie. I LOVE that thing. LOVE. I left it at school and please, pray for me that I can find it...I cried about it.

Shyt.

I'll tell more later.

1 disappointment | If you must

H2OforDuo

:: 2004 24 September :: 7.57pm

woot?
ROAD TRIP POETRY

Red Roses

You stand,
Look at the drop,
Take one step forward,
And suddenly stop.
You�re frozen still,
Ponder the thought;
To shuffle off this mortal coil,
or not?
To be or not to be,
The latter is what you chose.
Take your final step forward,
Drop like the petals of a fading red rose.
You start
and wake with a scream,
You clutch at your chest;
It was only a dream.
You look beside your bed,
There do you see
A fading red rose...
To be, or not to be?
---

Heh. My Language Arts teacher really liked that one. Hamlet on the brain. Anyway...

Killer cold from hell is going away. WOOT.

Going to homecoming with Mandi! WOOT.

...and Mat. Not WOOT.

Getting good grades. WOOT.

Kate's not seeming to be getting better. Not WOOT.

FRIDAY! WOOT!

Can't find my trench coat. anywhere. Not WOOT.

I called Hana last night. Uhhmm...woot? Not woot? not sure...

RPing with Kat. WOOT.

Not RPing with Nee. Not WOOT.

Anywho. Those are today's woots.

~Caro

3 disappointments | If you must