musicalbabe
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2004 8 October :: 7.23pm
What You Think of Me
It's so interesting to think about the difference between your own perception of yourself and what other people see you as being.
I guess I should explain the context that lead me into this train of thought. (Funny...I only realized that I tend to blurt out seemingly random things without any context backing them because my mom told me that I did.) Anyway, I was thinking about this week in general and the random things that I've learned. There seemed to be a commonality between discussion in Chorale, World Lit, and with friends. I've been learning about myself through the perceptions of others. In Chorale, as we were discussing how to go about becoming a better singer, Mr. Shaull indirectly described me as someone without a 'can-do' attitude, in the sense that I doubt myself instead of trying and improving. We read an article in WLH about the nature of evil and what it takes to be cruel enough to rape and/or kill people. One of the personality traits was narcissism. I've been called narcissistic and pretentious many a time. Molly told me that I was the kind of person who focused on the bad instead of letting it go and moving on, as well as the kind of person who learns of all of the gossip before she does. People at church often refer to me as someone who only talks about boys and is often having blonde moments.
It's all so strange to think about. In some cases, there are moments when I can definitely relate to the above statements. I KNOW I've appeared narcissistic at times. I KNOW I often doubt my ability and reserve myself to keep from giving it my best shot and still failing. More often, though, am I surprised by these pronouncements.
It's definitely a shock to be categorized as something you never thought you were.
***
I surprised myself by branching out and talking to new people today. For some reason I felt really bad because Anna never really talks to anyone in French. I'm her partener, but I always talk to Sarah, Sara, or Rachel when we have time to mingle. She never really talks to anyone in Chem either, and I felt kinda bad for her. I realize that maybe she prefers being alone and observing rather than being a part of random discussion in class, but nevertheless I've made an effort to talk to her in French just so that she has someone. I saw her standing alone and waiting for her ride today, so I went over and talked to her. It was so strange. She's really nice, but I hardly know her so it was kind of awkward. The conversation was almost as forced as those stupid scenarios in French class. It got easier as we kept talking (well, it was mostly me talking...) but it was still kind of strange. I wonder if she'll go home and be surprised and maybe flattered that I'd come over and started up a conversation or just annoyed. I honestly don't know her well enough to know what she'd think about it.
***
I've gotta say that I LOVE all of the drama concerning Homecoming!! Maybe this'll come off as really insensitive, but even though people are being rejected and all, at least there's something to talk about that gets everyone excited. Well, maybe it's just me who goes crazy over everyone's stories about how they were asked and all, but I JUST LOVE IT! Even though I'm kind of out of the loop myself and pretty much just trying to stay on top of everyone else's Homecoming date situations, it's all so much fun.
Oh, and there's something I've learned from this year's Homecoming that might surprise you: I'm not desperate. I WON'T just ask some random guy in order to 'at least have a date.' I really won't go with a guy who I hardly know, even if I think he's a nice guy or hot or whatever. People have suggested that I ask 3 different guys, and though I don't have any problems with their personalities, I won't ask them. I DO have standards. Really. (And these standards aren't based apon grade level, social status, or physical appearance, either!)
***
It's a really cool idea to think that life has some sort of predestination involved. It is possible to combine the ideas of free will and destiny and say that though we appear to have free will, in actuality, our life is governed by "choices" which have already been decided in order to lead you to a certain life. Pretty crazy thought...
***
I think I've been journal-ed out for a bit. Opera tonight! Whoo!
Oh, and if you'd like to further enlighten me about myself, (since I really do value the comments) feel free to do so in a reply. Just, ya know, how you see me as a person in general. I can't promise that I'll be okay with it if you say something bad about me, since I'll surely dwell on it, but in the near future, I'll definitely use the feedback in order to try to change.
14 *time been annoyed* |
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musicalbabe
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2004 5 October :: 9.13pm
Oh, Life is Random...It's Very Interesting...lalalala
Chem test was good. Not hard AT ALL. *hoping this saves my quarter grade...*
Still unsure about how MEHAP will turn out...dunno about WLH and French III either.
So I hear Mr. Shaull was talking about me in Girls Ensemble. Cool... He's been calling on the rest of the class, so everything's peachy with him at the moment. I don't mind being picked on SOMETIMES.
Still pretty angry about the narrative paper, but I'll get over it.
Dunno what to do about Homecoming. As of today I have a few scenarios, though. Gabi is my back-up date if not my actual one. Ideally, we'd both have dates that knew each other and all hang out together... that's unlikely to work out, though. Learned lotsa things about Homecoming and couples today...gotta love the social drama that surrounds Homecoming...:0D
So Brian came to pick me up after MB today, and I was like 'where's mom?' He tells me that she had a little accident and hurt her leg. So of course I'm like OMG she's in the hospital and she's gonna get a cast and she broke her leg and she's gonna be in a wheelchair OMG etc. Apparently she was running up some concrete stairs on the way to some church meeting that was at 7am this morning (crazy church committees...) and fell like RIGHT on her kneecap. She can hardly walk on it and it's swollen and cut and gross but nevertheless SHE WENT TO WORK and then came home. I can't believe her! Poor Mom!
OH! Another funny thing. Apparently parents have to deicde on a family who would care for their child in the unlikely event that they would both die. The top 2 choices are the Allens (lol nicole! i'd live with thomas' family!) or the Haymans. HAHAAHAAAA!! I said I'd rather live with the Haymans becuase I know the parents better and I'd be able to stay within the area. FUNNY STUFF!! I had no idea this kind of thing existed! Ya learn something new every day...
Well I have a GINORMOUS MEHAP in-class essay test tomorrow which I am NOT going to be prepared for, so I'd better try to change that. I've already wasted like an hour by IMing ppl and talking on the phone. I'm so dilligent. (sp?) LOL!
San Francisco Opera (La Traviata) Friday night and Modesto Competition Saturday. EXCITEMENT!
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musicalbabe
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2004 1 October :: 5.21pm
:: Mood: cold
Today was crazy.
Mr. Shaull is going to put me in therapy. Really. I think that Molly counts has half-therapy because her dad's a psychologist and she's good at being calming and reassuring. So really, after a few weeks, I'M ALREADY HALFWAY THERE.
So what does Mr. Shaull do that threatens my psychological health? He's not mean to me. He doesn't constantly pick on my voice. He doesn't get mad at me for my behavior in class. He always calls on me. There must be at least 25 people in the class, but he must call on me like 50% of the time. I'm not exaggerating. It's totally random stuff too!
A few examples:
*Melissa, tell us a little about John Rutter.
*How has (soandso's) voice changed? How does it sound now? What do YOU hear? (this has happened at least 3 times, and he directs the questions to me and me ALONE.)
*Melissa, pick 2 rhythms from columns 1 and 2 and say them for the class.
*Okay Melissa, I'll say 2 measures, you'll say 2, and the class will figure out which ones they are.
*...and Melissa is coming up to the front of the class and saying the Italian for you to repeat.
*...and Melissa's coming up to the board and writing us a melody with rhythm.
*...and Melissa's going to write a melody for us. It cannot start on 1, must be in a different key than we are in now, must end on one, and be centered around 5.
*Melissa, you're a talented sightreader, talk us through what you think when you see a piece of music for the first time.
...AND THOSE ARE ONLY THE MAJOR ONES THAT STICK OUT IN MY MIND!! HE DIRECTS COUNTLESS OTHER QUESTIONS TO ME EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I honestly can't understand why. For the dictation crap especially. You'd think he'd realize it, but I'm not very good at composing quick melodies and general theory. I'm just not. Simple as that. And how should I know better than other people what improvements I hear in someone's voice? EVERYONE ELSE HAS EARS! It's not like I've had more musical training than anyone else.
Maybe it's just cause my hormones are all crazy right now, but IT REALLY GOT TO ME TODAY. I was near tears at the end of Chorale today and dreaded Concert Choir. I understand that it should be flattering and all, but HE NEEDS TO LEAVE ME ALONE OR I'M JUST GOING TO BREAK DOWN ONE OF THESE DAYS.
Maybe If I was in Girls' Ensemble and none of the freshman knew anything... but i'm not. There are so many other people who have more experience than I do! Maybe if I had the voice to go with what I know... but I don't. I'm NOT better. I DON'T deserve to be singled out.
In other news:
The hot guy in my PE class doesn't have the attitude or personality to go along with his extreme sexiness. It's kind of dissapointing, but whatever. He's still eye candy and he's still on my team...
There's only like 2 weeks left in the quarter and I'm worried about Chem, MEHAP, and French III... (not that those will necessarily be B's, but they could be.)
Marching band performs at MVHS at 4:00 tomorrow! :0D If you're free and want to come, that'd be cool! I'm pretty sure it's free, so just show up!
K, I think that's all for now. I'll go try to de-stressify myself now.
12 *time been annoyed* |
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musicalbabe
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2004 29 September :: 3.19pm
I've been in one of those 'Idon'thaveanythingtoupdateabout' modes, so sorry to all of you people who read my blog to procrastinate! Nothing all that update-worthy has been happening recently.
In general, I'm dissapointed with sophomore year. Last year was just so much better in many different aspects. Marching band was waayyy cooler and I was super excited to be in Girls' Ensemble. I also respected the upper choirs a whole lot more than I do now. I thought that getting into Concert Choir was like a huge accomplishment and G21 was a far-off fantasy, but now I feel like Concert Choir isn't even all that good and Girls 21 is just frustrating. Last year I had an easy A in Bio and World Studies, but now MEHAP and Chem are going to be a struggle. Somehow I think classes were just more fun in general last year. Yeah, and that's not even mentioning how convenient it was that I developped a huge crush right at the beginning of the year so I had a date to homecoming that actually meant something! I don't even LIKE anyone this year, much less do I think I'll even have a date. At best, I'll probably get asked by someone I don't really want to go with and have to decide whether or not it's worth it at all.
I'm really not as unhappy as it sounds, but it's just SUCH a contrast from my crazy, optimistic view of high school that I had last year at this time. It was so exciting to wake up every morning and get to go to marching band. I couldn't wait for the day to begin. Now I complain about how it's completely dark when I wake up in the morning and bitterly look around and think that, out of all of the people in my family, I'll have the hardest time getting through the day. What does my mom have to do? Go to work, which, as she describes it, consists of talking with the other girls in her office and getting the treasury stuff for Band Boosters done. They also randomly watch movies and go out instead of actually sitting and working. What does Brian have to do? Basically nothing. He sits at home all day and works on the bathroom that's being built and writes his little sci-fi book or whatever. Boy, that sounds stressful. The cats get to sleep and lick each other all day, and the bird gets to chew on his little toys and be annoying. The tortoise eats and then pretty much does nothing. I know I'm being completely selfish when I say this, but I really feel like I have the most work to do and the least amount of fun packed into my life compared to the rest of my family. I have to suffer through boring classes, take numerous tests, stress out about all of the homework I have to finish, and get good grades.
I'm such a bitter, stressed, selfish little girl. It'd be better if I just had some time to relax...
Good news! A hot guy transfered into my PE class! He's really nice and he's a junior. Very cool. Unfortunately, I think I'm only going to take 4th period PE 1st quarter. Oh well. At least I have someone to look forward to seeing every day.
I think it's homework time. I have a voice lesson soon-ish and yeah. So much for a comical entry! Sorry guys!
4 *time been annoyed* |
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DiTzYjEnN
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2004 28 September :: 8.33pm
alrite. i admit it. i miss him. mayb too much.
i miss everything about him. even the incredibly annoying things.
i miss his smile.
the conversasions we had.
debates that lead nowhere except a good laugh.
being in his arms.
jst sitting next to him not even saying anything.
watching him fall asleep.
his laugh.
even when he was angry about some1.
i miss knowing everything about him.
being the only one who acually knew everything.
but now it has all changed. its been over a month. i still cant handle it. i took for granted what i had, thats why i lost him again. i guess i jst figured he would never break up with me. now wenever i see him i want to cry. i want to run up to him, give him a huge hug, and cry. forever.
i still remember how it felt in his arms. like nothing was rong in life. and evrything wud forever be perfect. i thought he cared. that he would never hurt me again.
if i learned anything, it is to believe what ive always thought. never trust any1. even the ppl who you trust the most eventually shove it back in your face. why?? i wish i knew.
i keep thinking back to the first day i noticed him. i looked at him and something inside me KNEW without one ounce of doubt, that i wud fall in love with him. i didnt relly pay much attention to him, jst knew deep inside. kinda sucks wen the first person you relly truely love is the type of person who cant hold on. he'll grab on to you and drag you along, only to drop you at the worst possible moment. and make you feel like shit.
i dont want to feel like this for him anymore. hes not worth it. but i cant let go.
nor can i tell any1 that i still havent.
*annoy me here*
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musicalbabe
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2004 25 September :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: good
As the new, semi-hot pit instructor fooled around on one of the vibes, (making BEAUTIFUL MUSIC) I realized something:
In a boyfriend, I really couldn't care less if he made love to me. But it IS necessary that he make music for me.
Be it music by playing an instrument, singing, whatever, I don't care, as long as there's music.
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DiTzYjEnN
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2004 20 September :: 3.15pm
something inside me is constantly asking... why do you care. hes an asshole and was a complete jerk to you. in my conscience mind i dont love him anymore and i dont want him in my life. but somewhere deep inside me i love him with all my heart, and i just wish it would go back to the way it was before. before i knew the real him. it makes me mad to admit to this. because even though i dont want it this way i truely believe there isnt any way in this world i could MAKE myself feel differently. sure i make fun of him, say how much i hate him, dont care if he gets hurt. but hiden behind that constantly is some1 who wants him to be back in my arms and to know everything is perfect and is working out. everyday i try to get away from this. i cant seem to. nothing works. wen i see his smile each and everyday all i wish is that he wasnt so stupid. i care for sum reason enough to want to know EXACTLY what he did everyday.
theres no getting around this. i have to find a way to cope.
*annoy me here*
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musicalbabe
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2004 17 September :: 7.34pm
Question:
WHERE HAVE ALL THE HOT MAIN STREET GUYS GONE?!?!?! Let's travel back in time, shall we? Think of how hot the Main Street guys were 3 years ago. 2 years...1 year. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but the overall sexiness of MSS guys has gone STEADILY DOWNHILL.
WHYYYY?!?!?!
It's really not fair.
I have a horseback riding lesson at that place tomorrow! I'm excited! Apparently some other person from Stanford called to check out the barn too...hrm. I wonder who it'll be...
I WANT A BOYFRIEND, DAMNIT! Not just ANY boyfriend, either. I kind of want a college boyfriend...*huge grin* Older guys are just so much sexier!
6 *time been annoyed* |
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musicalbabe
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2004 16 September :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: dorky
Who should be in bed right now?
*raises hand* OOH!! ME!! ME!!
It's so depressing to wake up and it's still dark. Zero period...
After an only silghtly enlightening minimum day, I went downtown with Ali, Sara, Sarah, and Meredith. Yummers.
After that I went home and then went to the doctor's to *dun dun DUNNNNNNN* GET MY EARS PIERCED!! So yeah. I now have pierced ears. *shrug*
Is anyone else depressed that people are already starting to talk about Homecoming? Can't Homecoming just wait until I actually find someone I want to go with? I mean, seriously... How come it was so easy last year?! Couldn't I at least have my eye on someone? Usually it's not the 'finding someone to like' part that's hard for me...
I don't know why, but it's really starting to get to me that I have a nonexistant love life. So much so, in fact, that I did a really, really stupid thing. I spent like half an hour searching for text online that showed that someone cared about me. I actually don't regret doing it because I found something that made me smile that I hadn't seen before: the words 'I luv Mel.' Now, seeing as it's been 17 months since those feelings were revealed and it means absolutely NOTHING now, it shouldn't have made much difference to me. Somehow, though, it did. Ya know, it's been about that long since a guy has said that to me. I think maybe I was wondering why anyone would feel that way about me...
Anyway, it made me happy, so it's all good. Thanks to the person who wrote that...
Concert choir tomorrow. Oddly enough, in a year that's gone from my least favorite choral music class to my favorite. It's funny how things change...
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DiTzYjEnN
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2004 15 September :: 10.35pm
yay this is cool!
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DiTzYjEnN
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2004 15 September :: 10.20pm
This year is so different. When I walked to each of my classes on that early morning in August, I had a feeling that this year would be the best. Everything was going right, I was happy, and things started off the right way. Band camp was awesome but very tireding, which is expected though.
Somewhere between the last day of band camp and the present, something happened. My life flipped around and everything went crazy. Hurricanes began racing through Florida, homework turned into a massive hassle that took lots of time and effort, my grades not as good as they could have been, a school lacking spirit and all the things that make you feel great to be a red knight, and most of all, band. It was supposed to be the best season yet, and it started that way. With hurricanes and people who dont care at all, we are failing. Failing to be the best we can. Thats all there is to it.
With a year starting off this way, I feel there is no hope. My happiness has gone out the window. But something tells me I have to go get it. No more waiting around. Just always working the hardest no matter what.
I really hope things get better soon. But for now...
Why waste today thinking about tommorow?
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DiTzYjEnN
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2004 15 September :: 3.36pm
heylo. im here. even tho nobody reads this. i think im gona start using this as a place to put things i dont want five million ppl reading...
wow..i figured out how to get pictures! heres one from band camp:
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musicalbabe
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2004 14 September :: 7.10pm
OHMYGOD!!
So today turned out to suck much less than I thought it would! Mme Youatt lost the quizzes SO WE DIDN'T HAVE TO TAKE THEM!! WHOOOOO!!! I also got a 22/25 on my Chem quiz even though I wasn't there for the lecture and was too tired to study much last night! I missed really stupid things, so, as it turns out, I actually understand all of the material anyway! That's always good to know...
So now for the majorly exciting news!!
1) My mom's willing to look into buying me an oboe!! AHHHH!!! JOYOUSNESS!! And the strange thing is, she doesn't even want to go for the cheapo $800 one. She actually wants to talk to Julianne, this lady at our church who's like an oboe goddess, to learn about which brands are the best. Nice!
2) I'M GOING TO GO LOOK AT A HORSE ON SATURDAY!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Not that this means anything to you, but he's a 7 yr old Fox Trotter gelding, 15 hands, chestnut, with a star and socks. He's had 4 months of professional training (not very much) but has a sweet personality and has good ground manners. He needs a confident rider because he's "spirited". The craziest part: the guy who's selling goes to my church and would sell him to me for $4,500!!!! That's crazy crazy cheap for a horse!! Sure I'd have to find a really good trainer to help me teach him how to jump and stuff but WOULD IT NOT BE AWESOME IF MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME A HORSE?!!?!?! Umm yeah, that might just be the coolest thing in the world.
Marching band was hell. Rick needs to not be so hard on us. But OMG! Somehow I passed my playing test! Not that I should have AT ALL... but still! Yay!
Gotta do MEHAP and WLH homework...minimum day tomorrow! Yesss!!
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musicalbabe
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2004 13 September :: 7.17pm
I'm Not At All In Love...
...not at all in love, not I. Not a bit, not a bite...but I DO have 104.55% in math! :-P
Whoo! Ahh, the pleasures of not being in honors...lol!
Hmm...let's see...exciting news to provide my faithful readers with some entertainment...
Got to skip 5-7th period on Friday to go to band camp. Very cool. Unfortunately, I have huge quizzes in two of those classes tomorrow, and that's not good.
But anyway, band camp was okay. Really, just okay. We worked soooo much harder than last year and I really wish we'd had more time to socialize and maybe GET HOMEWORK DONE. I think it says something that no one got sick last year and pretty much EVERYONE got sick this year, 2 people bad enough to leave before the end of camp. Hmmm...could this have to do with the fact that we got about 5 hours of sleep per night and were out doing drill EVERY SECOND OF OUR TIME?! Yeah, I think so. We got a ton of stuff done, but it came with the price of all of us getting back on Sunday exhausted and sick and starting our homework at about 6, meaning that a lot of us got to bed really late.
Oh, and I just love how Mr. Ferrucci was telling us about how he was so sensitive to our needs and we got plenty of time to rest. HA. Maybe he sincerely thinks we had time to rest. In actuality, that's a whole load of BS. Numerous parents are coming to the next band boooster's meeting to complain.
So basically I'm sick and exhausted and should be doing homework right now instead of typing in this thing so I can get to bed as soon as possible. I'm really not looking forward to 11 hours at school tomorrow...starting the day at 7 with marching band and ending it at 6 with marching band.... WE NEED A BREAK!!
I really wish my parents believed in staying home from school when you're sick.
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DiTzYjEnN
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2004 11 September :: 10.07pm
i got livejournal today.. im still gona use woohu tho. cuz its the best and ill always love it!! hehe.
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