HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
i think i daydream too often. or maybe i just believe that dreams will come true. it's harder to face reality when it's so far from your dreams. okay, this sounds too depressing for the mild (though now that i'm thinking about it, heartwrenching) dissapointment i'm feeling. but i feel like being dramatic. i had a dream a couple nights ago that i was trying out for Broken Box and everyone else stunk and the director loved me. i think that's a sign that i've been away from the theatre for too long. so i'll just be moody and dramatic to try to make up for it.

it was hilarious and i was almost relieved at the time, but now...i feel like i missed out. i'm...almost bitterly jealous of what other people get to experience. it's so weird to think about how i've changed over the years...where i was last year at this time...the year before that...what i was thinking...what i was hoping for in the new year. i haven't actually thought about new year's resolutions in a while, but i remember trying to be original a few years ago...(2 maybe) and writing down all of the things that hadn't happened the way i'd have liked them to, cut them up, and threw them away at midnight, hoping that the symbolism would somehow change my luck. it's funny that there's only one thing that i can remember writing: 'i don't have a boyfriend.' lol. or something to that extent...something about not being asked out, not being danced with enough, whatever. it had to do with boys. ha. of course. you could have guessed that, couldn't you?

now i'm thinking back to louise's birthday party and how i was so proud that my 'melissa the boy lover' stereotype was being recognized again. at the moment, it seems like that's the only thing anyone can count on me for anymore. i don't have the impossibly busy schedule...no more soccer, no marching band, girl scouts, even voice lessons. (though that one should change once i find myself a new voice teacher.) it's all very depressing. (oh wait, i can't use that word...sorry.)

so...what do i want to happen in the new year? what do i want to accomplish for myself? let's see now... i want to keep the weight off that i lost over the summer. (so far, so good.) i want to try out for concert choir, though it sounded like mr. shaull was going to audition ALL of us whether we wanted him to or not... i want to practice clarinet and oboe. (ha. not likely...it's always a hope, though.) i want to...learn to expect the worst and take it easy on myself when the worst is a reality. (i already know how to hope for the best.) i want to survive finals without throwing myself into a hysteria. i want...a great deal of things. but above all, i want to be content with myself if none of those things are accomplished.

well, here's to a new year. so far i've been pessimistic and selfish. i thought i was slowly working out of my pessimism phase...oh well. this is definitely out of place at this point, but HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

*annoy me here*