My Journal

:: 2008 14 June :: 1.47am

80's dance party?

i think so.

:: 2008 13 June :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: high

Doo doo doo doo :)
Sooo crazy. Why am I so overwhelmed? Things haven't felt this way for a longgg time. It's ok though, I'll do it because I'm good like that. I just want a job already. PLEASEEEE give me a job, seriousssssly.

Blahhh I want life to slow the fuck down A TAD!

:: 2008 12 June :: 8.22pm

Stressed.
Ahhh so much shit to do - SO LITTLE TIME :(

aaron

:: 2008 11 June :: 11.41am
:: Mood: angry

I'm not sure what makes me so angry. In truth, I just want to be able to enjoy it like a normal person. At a distance, from a calm, inactive standpoint. Mentally passive observation, acknowledging it's presence and accepting the benefit of that, but not experiencing the mess that comes with it.

I can sort of coax myself into it...but what happens if I stop paying attention, cut off the effort? Do I fall back into hate and rage, or does my soul linger in the vibrant, energetic comfort of the situation?

Or is it all just fear, and I a coward?

...
...

Do you ever write something and not understand why? This whole passage begs a question, and it's one that I can't answer for anyone who would be reading this. And yet I want someone to know, even if they don't understand.

But what I really want is for someone to understand.

:: 2008 9 June :: 7.33pm

people are so nice these days

I'm glad I have the chance to have assholes insult me all the time

:D

poisonedheart

:: 2008 4 June :: 11.19pm

I just realized my life is meaningless and will never have any impact on the world.

Crap.

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:: 2008 3 June :: 8.45pm

two hours tomorrow
and i'm done.

it hasn't hit me yet.

poisonedheart

:: 2008 2 June :: 10.21pm

I'm thinking of moving away.

I don't know where to, I just want to leave.

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:: 2008 29 May :: 6.53pm

three and a half days until high school is behind me

:: 2008 26 May :: 1.01pm

Freddy.

My moms new dog....

aaron

:: 2008 24 May :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: amused/comfortable

hahaha...I guess that the noun would be the verb, then, wouldn't it?

In both trust and love. And faith, too, I suppose. Hope follows in form of faith. So all of life's goals are passively active? In all things I should actively not pursue, but rather relax, give up my "fish and loaves", and surrender myself to the consequences in full knowledge that they are to my benefit, although I may not see from here why? Yes.

To be as I am and know I am without really considering the purpose of it being that way. I don't know why I was made male over female anymore than I know why I am white and not black, American and not Chinese, Human and not a dog. I am, and should act. Funny that acting on those things is a surrender for me. How I have struggled so furiously to understand without realizing by doing so I was doing nothing...the Hamlet effect. In summary, I think too much. If I don't shut myself up from time to time, I'll never get anything done. The simpler way of thinking might better suit me. Wisdom is powerful, but only in context of simplicity. That's what makes it Wisdom instead of knowledge. You can know everything there is to know without being wise, and you can be the wisest person in the world without ever knowing anything. Maybe then wisdom is simply taking what we don't know and using it in context of what we do.

I need to be a more practically minded individual in order to achieve my ideals. That's the chasm, the leap of faith. I must surrender my ideals to obtain them. "Whoever keeps his life shall lose it, but whoever gives up his life for my sake shall keep it." God's economy, if God can be described as economical.

Oh there I go again.

:: 2008 21 May :: 12.47pm

I am officially jobless. I gave my job to Joe because I thought that these people were hiring me and then they decided to "go with family". I have the worst luck EVER. Well, I have two one day a week babysitting jobs but that is CLEARLY not going to be enough to hold me over considering I have to pay bills, even though Joe is going to give me money for that. I need to start looking for a job.

:: 2008 14 May :: 6.04am

It feels good to conquer what you're battling.

Now all I have left to fight is Jeff Reyburn's College Prep English class.
Haha?

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aaron

:: 2008 10 May :: 8.46pm

I sense in them a wealth of knowledge yet unattained. If I seek anything, it is completion. If I desire anything, it is to know wholeness.

The Adam in me is hopelessly lost without Eve, yet strangely and supernaturally pacified. But it's temporal, in waiting. In expectancy. What He has done to prepare me has also stayed the flow of desire, but I am not cursed, I sense, to that wretched loneliness that, were I God, would not be forgiven me.

There is something I can learn from them. We are cultures far apart, and rather than get them to see mine I should tell them what I see in terms of theirs. Learn a new language.

In the context of my dad and I, we're nothing alike. In the context of everyone else...well, we're probably more alike than I would willingly admit under other, less humbling circumstances.

...

I really like folk and soul.

:: 2008 10 May :: 12.17pm

I guess in a way I've learned to accept that sometimes, bad things happen. My life could be worse, and I know that. I think I've increasingly been learning, and becoming a better person. I'm a good person and that is what gets me through the day. Yeah, I have my bad points but there are definitely more positives than negatives. Haha, Marissa seeing the glass as half full, not half empty - that would surprise people, that's for damn sure. My mom want to give the dog away because she has nipping problems and whatnot, I'm upset about that. I really like the dog, and if I could take her I would in a heartbeat. I don't have my own place though so that is pretty much not an option. I wish I just had a big lump sum of cash to pay off my bills, because then I could start a little re-newed debt free life, that would be nice. I can dream.

Things are OK, like I said before, things could be worse. Things are alright with Joe, and my job, and next week I'm going to be making a little cash by work 4 days at my job ($250) and then I'm babysitting for Tracey on wednesday from 4-11 or so, and thats at least $10/hour, probably more, plus she'll compensate me for travel fees. Then on friday I'll get $50 from Jill. This will definitely help towards paying off the Nextel (don't ask, longgggg story).