My Journal

:: 2008 9 May :: 12.05am

Sometimes I just start laughing, I never know why.

Crying too.

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:: 2008 5 May :: 6.46am

this was pretty much the worst weekend ever.

loserxdork

:: 2008 28 April :: 8.56am

Whoa, I haven't been on here in like almost a year!
Holy crap, it's been forever and woohu was my first
love. Well, I'm back now. I can't guarantee you how
often I'll be on here but I will try my hardest. Now,
I'm going to read my entries and see how retarded
my life was over the past I think 4 or 5 years.

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:: 2008 27 April :: 8.18pm

I just don't want to go.
Is that so hard to understand?

Stop trying to make me do something I don't want to.

:: 2008 25 April :: 11.37pm

Pictures from last weekend.

Brenan blowing a bubble as Jake looks on in wonder

A bubble I blew resting peacefully on the ground

Different angle, same bubble

Me, immediately after blowing the pictured bubble, and before exhaling the rest of my lungful of smoke

Alex popped ze bubble =(....well, actually it popped just before he could poke it.

:: 2008 25 April :: 5.17am

Let's hope I know what I'm doing.

:: 2008 21 April :: 10.06pm

Well, 'twas a nice weekend
I went over to Brenan's house around 1:30ish on Friday, turns out he's rooming with Albert and Jake, which is nice because they're both cool guys that I get along with well.

So we hang out and play video games and shit, after a while of this their neighbor Wes comes over and suggests the idea of partying it up, so we're all like "hellz yeah", so that's how it came about that I'd be staying late there.

So after Wes leaves Sarah shows up and then Albert, Jake and Brenan all leave for different reasons, leaving us alone, I'm still a little awkward around her, it's been a few years now, but I dunno, still in the realm of awkward, so we just looked at some art books and ate popcorn while waiting on them.

After a while of that Brenan and Jake came back and brought Wes with them, so then Jake, Wes and I walked over to the Shell station so Wes could go in and buy a bunch of High Gravity (Horrible, low quality, high alcohol beer) and have us carry it back.

So the rest of that night was basically just being drunk, had a few kinda awkward moments, but overall it was a nice night of drinking, lots of people came and went.

Woke up saturday around noon and watched a few tv shows with brenan and jake, then brenan suggested going to the park to check out the Earth Day festivities, so we walked over there and found out it was just stupid hippies being stupid hippies, so we walked around riverfront for a while, then walked over to Value Village so Brenan could buy pants, he ended up buying like, no normal pants I'm pretty sure, but he got a suit jacket and a full set of scrubs, so we got back to their apartment and I took a shower and they ordered pizza while I was in there.

So, a bit after the pizza shows up, Alex shows up and we're like "Woo, Alex", because he's a fun guy, and he notices Jake's hookah and suggests we buy some shishah and coals, so we walk over to the smoke shop by the plaza to get those, and then get back to the house and smoke copious amounts of hookah, it was pretty fun, we were dipping a piece of vacuum cleaner tube into some soapy water and blowing smoke-filled bubbles, which bounced on the floor and would then sit on it as perfect spheres for a bit before exploding into a perfect ring of smoke, it was really pretty.

After a while of that Alex left, and then Jesse and a couple of her friends showed up and put some marijuana in the hookah, I honestly didn't feel anything from it, but Jesse and her friends were pretty high, so I took that chance to give Jesse an existential crisis by explaining nihilism as the only truth in the universe while she was totally stoned out of her mind.

So after they left Wes came down and smoked some Hookah with us, then we all drifted off to bed.

Then Sunday, Jake, Alex and myself basically just smoked hookah the whole god damn day, we hotboxed the kitchen at one point.

And then today I came home a few hours after waking up, yay.

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:: 2008 17 April :: 10.51pm

He never grows weary. He never let's up. He is never defeated. Time and time again I drive him back, chain him down, and run as hard as my legs can allow.

How are you one step ahead of me? How can you keep your breath?

And though I fall, I am not fallen. Though death seizes me, I do not die. Though I am struck, my body is whole.

I am so weary of fighting him. I want him to just die...but he is me?

Who is more myself? The zealous, devout, vengeful Lazarus? The indulgent, kniving, amiable Aaron? Both with virtue, both with vice. Never at peace. Always at odds.

Hope is an odd thing..."Come all you weary, lay down your loads."

Grace odder still. I am so grateful for all that I have, for the chance to fight this way, to see things from this vantage point.

I don't know where this is going.

I'm sorry? This is an apology. I've disgraced myself and my friends. Those dearest, those I've told I would guard. Time and time again I betray my intentions. But He is there, always beckoning, always welcoming, despite my flaws. I'm going to go to him now, when I feel most useless.

"The Lion's outside of your door, the Wolf's in your bed. The Lion's claws are sharpened for war, the Wolf's teeth are red."

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:: 2008 9 April :: 10.21pm

Now that I'm here, I don't ever want to look back

All that any of this is really worth to me is just knowledge. Knowledge that my identity is not dependant on my short-comings. Knowledge that I fought the good fight. Knowledge that I did what was best regardless of the circumstance. Knowledge that as long as I don't lean on myself, my life is worth being proud of.

Kameran had a really good idea. He took a dry erase marker and wrote all the reasons he was worth loving on his mirror.

I should paint "Death Be Not Proud" on my bedroom wall.

Death be not proud, though some have called thee mighty and dreadful for thou art not so. For those whom thou art thinkst thou dost overthrow die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me. For rest and sleep which but thy pictures be, much pleasure then from thee much more must flow. And soonest with thee our best men do go; rest their bones and souls delivery. Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men and doth with poison war and sickness dwell and poppy or charms can make us sleep as well or better than thy stroke. Why swellst thou then? One short sleep past, we wake eternally, and Death shall be no more. Death, thou shalt die.

Kirsten and I have had some really cool talks since then.

Haha, the bus-ride, the sports movie, the chic flick, the red-bull, the elevator...

It's amazing how much I appreciate my girl when I haven't been able to think of her that way for a week.

The Mexico spirit is still alive, I think. I can see it in the way people still communicate so well now. It's a bummer that I'm going out of town on Friday, but Saturday night I can hang with them.

And Sunday I should talk with Bob.

Ah...seven thirty class tomorrow. Know what that means? Bed-time.

:: 2008 7 April :: 9.45am

"Piazza, New York Catcher"

Elope with me Miss Private and we'll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we'll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase

San Francisco's calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?
We hung about the stadium, we've got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue's crying too and well he may

I love you I've a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the wider family net absurd
"You'll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job"
Maybe, but not what she deserves

Elope with me Miss Private and we'll drink ourselves awake
We'll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960 style
We'll comment on the decor and we'll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we'll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare

The catcher hits for .318 and catches every day
The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays
He goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor
He knows the drink affects his speed he's praying for
a doorway
Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside the diamond is a wrench

I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn't come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You'd settle for an epitaph like "Walk Away, Renee"
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour
Meet you at the statue in an hour

silvos

:: 2008 3 April :: 2.07am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Crime - Troy Bonnes

Looking at old guild stuff
makes me surprisingly sad.
I didn't really realize how much I really invested in that stuff.

:: 2008 25 March :: 9.27pm

I suppose there comes a point where every one who does this sort of thing asks this sort of question.

Is it defining of me? Certainly not.

But it is facing my past and giving up is surrendering to that past.

So I can't give up. Never, ever, ever give up.

silvos

:: 2008 25 March :: 4.51pm
:: Mood: playful
:: Music: Naked - Tracy Bonham

oh shit, public entry!
Real update coming soon..

:: 2008 23 March :: 2.42pm

I can't even say what I mean.

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