aaron
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2007 16 May :: 9.40am
:: Mood: Ha! That's ironic.
:: Music: Slice up and not across
The sum of all power
There is a line that divides the calender of my life. Wide, cascading across more than a year, consuming memories and hurling them into blank oblivion. Before this line I was controlled by the forces of my mammalian (1st level subconscious complex) instincts. Rage, love, sadness, joy, happiness, sexual attraction: They said jump, I said how high. The switch was on and I could never turn it off. I existed in first level, or modified subconscious. Hyper-responsive disassociation. I knew this before. What I didn't know is that Abilify, a supplement of apiprozyl I believe, completely severs the neuronal interaction between left and right lobes of the brain. A gamble, since your cognitive conscious must reside in one. This was the left brain, for me. For a year, I was without true emotion. The summer of 2005 is when the drug finally ran out of my system. I remember the exact moment, the flow ceased. It was like when your ears pop and suddenly you realize how deaf you were before hand. The world became visibly brighter. So what then? I've been loosed for two years. My initial thought when Roberts was telling me this was that I would have started over, and my emotional complex would be as well synchronized as a two year olds. Not so. In fact, my emotional complex is flat out not synchronized. I haven't actually switched it back on (as clarification this doesn't mean I'm emotionless).
All this is to say that intellectual and emotional stimuli do not tie in with each in my brain. Everybody does this. As a child learns about the world around it, it learns to associate emotions with certain thoughts or actions. If they have a father whom gets drunk, comes home, and beats them they learn to associate alcohol with pain, and thus with fear.
I don't have that anymore, at least not on a large scale.
I know I have a few, and I can remember when they were made. Certain songs, memories, voices- Some trigger something inside me. Most don't. So I get to go back through and attribute emotional responses to intellectual stimuli. I get to reformat my perception of events. I get to decide how I think about the world, starting at a cognitive purely logical frame of mind and working up the most ambient emotions.
The sum of all power.
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s-m-i-l-e
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2007 15 May :: 8.32pm
Hahaha wow, i forgot i had this, its been a long time since these memories, mmm middle school, tori and morgan, been a long time since that
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aaron
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2007 15 May :: 11.27am
Apparently Fatshaft is becoming somewhat popular at Ferris. Somehow the Spinal Tap knock-off band is permeating the underground humor section.
"I feel my job in the band is to be a sort of luke-warm water, really"
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aaron
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2007 15 May :: 11.20am
My icon is amazing.
[s.prom] tacky, eh?
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poisonedheart
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2007 14 May :: 9.01pm
Sometimes a life of alcoholism and drug abuse just looks so much more glamorous.
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mysin
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2007 13 May :: 8.56pm
:: Mood: Stuck between two train tracks
:: Music: Moby - lift me up
why do I keep coming back.....
So..... last time i pretty much my life got way out of hand and everything came out of nowhere. Well, all i can is that it has happened again.
out of no where.... .
my rage has comeback. i find myself now when i am angry a little bit angry fueling the fires and makes everything worse and make myself more and more angry.
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aaron
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2007 13 May :: 2.06pm
:: Music: De-loused in the Comatorium
The line Defined
finite is sifted from infinite
the impurities burned, the imperfections flaunted
and at dawn's birth all creation is loosed to chaos
and evil is found the least among them
for all virtue is swallowed by vice in subsequent generations...
Save one.
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poisonedheart
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2007 9 May :: 8.55pm
So there was this woman and she was on an airplane, and she was flying to meet her fiance seaming high above the largest ocean on planet earth. She was seated next to this man she had tried to start conversations, but the only thing she had really heard him say was to order his Bloody Mary. She was sitting there and she was reading this really arduous magazine article about a third world country that she couldn't even pronounce the name of. And she was feeling very bored and despondent. And then suddenly there was this huge mechanical failure and one of the engines gave out, and they started just falling thirty-thousand feet, and the pilots on the microphone and he's saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh my god... I'm sorry" and apologizing. And she looks at the man and says "Where are we going?" and he looks at her and he says "We're going to a party. It's a birthday party. It's your birthday party. Happy birthday darling. We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much." And then he starts humming this little tune, it kind of goes like this: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4
We must talk in every telephone
Get eaten off the web
We must rip out all the epilogues in the books that we have read
And in the face of every criminal
Strapped firmly to a chair
We must stare, we must stare, we must stare
We must take all of the medicines too expensive now to sell
Set fire to the preacher who is promising us hell
And in the ear of every anarchist that sleeps but doesn't dream
We must sing, we must sing, we must sing
It'll go like this:
While my mother waters plants
My father loads his guns
He says death will give us back to God
Just like this setting sun is returned to this lonesome ocean
And then they splashed into the deep blue sea
It was a wonderful splash
We must blend into the choir
Sing as static with the whole
We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul
And in this endless race for property and privilege to be won
We must run, we must run, we must run
We must hang up in the belfry
Where the bats and moonlight laugh
We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past
And in the caverns of tomorrow
With just our flashlights and our love
We must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge
And then we'll get down there, way down to the very bottom of everything
And then we'll see it, oh we'll see it, we'll see it, we'll see it
Oh my morning's coming back
The whole world's waking up
All the city buses swimming past
I'm happy just because
I found out I am really no one
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xxinterrupted
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2007 9 May :: 8.01pm
:: Mood: bored
New myspace.
clicky here to add me!
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loserxdork
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2007 8 May :: 8.12pm
:: Mood: blah
I never update here anymore, cause no one ever reads this. I feel that honestly when I update I'm updating for myself because people BARELY comment or read. I'm a pretty busy person but basically I try and get on once a week to comment on all the recent entries. I don't know, I kinda just feel that updating this is pointless.
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aaron
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2007 7 May :: 8.18am
My morning pretty much sucked. That is, until I heard that Paris Hilton is going to jail for forty five days. That made everything okay again.
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poisonedheart
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2007 6 May :: 8.17am
Well, I finally figured out a realistic future for myself that I would enjoy.
Go to college, major in Japanese, go teach English in Japan for the rest of my life.
If I decided to come back to America, I could easily come teach Japanese =)
If nothing else I'd be a lot happier in a country of 130mil where only 1.4mil are christians.
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poisonedheart
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2007 3 May :: 8.41pm
If you wonder why I always post song lyrics, it's because I lack the poetic ability to describe my own feelings properly.
i spent a week drinking the sunlight of winnetka, california
where they understand the weight of human hearts
you see sorrow gets too heavy and joy it tends to hold you
with the fear that it eventually departs.
and the truth is i've been dreaming of some tired, tranquil place
where the weather won't get trapped inside my bones
and if all the years of searching find one sympathetic face
then its there i will plant these seeds and make my home
i spent a day dreaming of dying in mesa, arizona
where all the green of life had turned to ash
and i felt i was on fire, with the things i could have told you
i just assumed that you eventually would ask
and i wouldn't have to bring up my so badly broken heart
and all those months i just wanted to sleep
and though spring, it did come slowly, i guess it did its part
my heart has thawed and continues to beat
i visited my brother on the outskirts of olympia
where the forest and the water become one
and we talked about our childhood, like a dream we were convinced of, that
perfect peaceful street where we came from
and i know he heard me strumming all those sad and simple chords
as i sat inside my room so long ago
and it hurts that he's still shaking from those secrets that were told by a
car closed up too tight and a heart turned cold
and i went to san diego
the birthplace of the summer
and watched the ocean dance under the moon
and there was a girl i knew there, one more potential lover
i guess that something's got to happen soon
because i know i can't keep living in this dead or dying dream
and as i walked along the beach and drank with her
i thought about my true love, the one i really need
with eyes that burn so bright, they make me pure
they make me pure
they make me pure
i long to be with you
they make me pure
they make me pure
i long to be with you
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wasabi
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2007 2 May :: 7.37am
:: Mood: tired
right now i kind of feel like he's the only one who really cares.
9a8wehflas;kjd
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aerii
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2007 1 May :: 10.17am
my cheeks?
seriously?
AHAHAHA
<3
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