The Ramblings of the Official Whatsit
"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination." -Mark Twain
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SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2005 20 January :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: help
:: Music: "The Runaway" ~Something Corporate

..and I could still be ruthless if you'll let me..
I wanted to make cupcakes. They would've made me happy. I even checked to see if we had icing still. We do. What we don't have? Eggs. There's like nothing in this house. Of course, that's an overstatement, always has been. But in essence, there is no food here. We hardly ever have dinners. And snacks aren't around right now. That's why I wanted to make cupcakes. I love cooking. But God it's been so long since I've had the actual desire to do something in the kitchen. Now I'm disappointed and can't do the thing that would make me happy.

I might try and paint now. Painting is something I can do when I have this urge of needing to be busy.


I got more shots today. My arms... they hurt. The shots hurt more today then before. Like seriously hurt. And my head likes to replay that pain over and over so I end up twitching in a nice little ball of tears. I swear my arms were on fire... I get so incapacitated too. Little difficult to drive home. They hurt now. And they'll hurt every dall, all day. They've been hurting every day since the shots first started. This is what I didn't want to happen.
I had to stop taking notes for a bit in chem. It hurt to keep writing. I was so not happy. And all the practicing and playing I do for S&E... I think that's why it hurt so much today. I told them I couldn't make it Thursdays. But I went after the perc practice. I cried again it hurt so much. I've been trying hard to get over this fear. Or at least to put up with it so this can be done. I've been good...I didn't run from it...I didn't make huge scenes...I've been trying so hard....





Grandpa fell two days ago. Mom's dad. Mom left the next day to go up and see him. It was about 8 hours after he fell that they called the ambulence. And they didn't call for his fall, they told the paramedics it was for a heart attack. He didn't get morphine for almost 24 hours after he fell.
He had the sugery...100% broken right hip bone. The surgery seems to have gone well. But I just talked to mom. She says his heart is unstable. I don't know what's wrong. He made it through the surgery but his mind is so lost and mom says he's just not strong enough. Her voice almost cracked when she said that, but she kept a solid voice through the conversation, I was impressed.
Mom says grandma hasn't been doing anything. She refused to do anything last week, but now mom think's she's not feeling well. She hasn't gotten out of bed. And she won't go to physical therapy. They don't know if she's ill.

Mom and dad are supposed to go to Hawaii on one of dad's business trips next week. That was the highlight of this quarter. That was the one good thing Katie and I were looking forward to in the new year.
But both of them keep talking about the grandparents dying.
I don't know how to handle this.
In my mind, I always handled death by not facing it. It didn't exist. And when the person no longer existed, their memory was stored in the deeper recesses of my mind and I no longer registered their connection to me.
But I've had to alter my mind so much recently. This is all right in my face. I can't sever these ties. I know them too well. These two were my favorites by far of my relatives. It's never been family like this before.

I don't know how to handle this. I shouldn't be writing this here. But I don't know. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to have to think about things or do work or fail more stuff.

I haven't cried in a long while. And I haven't written in longer.
I just want to write.


With love.
~*~

Never look back.


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2005 12 January :: 10.07pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: "Carve Your Heart Out Yourself" ~Dashboard Confessional

bunch of shit
Ms. Kelly is trying to get me to join the Econ class. I don't want any more work and stress so..... I'll sit in it for a day and... if there is any sight of work or tests and ANYTHING (of course they'll be...but still) then I vote for teacher's aid.


Denver IMed me last night and we actually talked. It's been months since we've talked. We actually established the desire to return to the old relationship of communication. Made me happy.


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Oh, if you I didn't say to someone stalking this journal.... I'm going to Emory.


My grandparents are really ill. Grandpa has been in the memory ward for a while... and Grandma would visit him all the time and do his laundry and dress him and yell at the nurses and all that.. probably out of fear of the new situation. It must've all been too much for her and she developed high blood pressure and such. She had a stroke right in front of Grandpa on her way to visit him again. They carted her off across the hall for help. Grandpa thought she died.

She is paralyzed on her right side and can't speak. By now they've pretty much given up on redeveloping her speech. I can no longer hear that familiar voice.... I remember her voice... She's done some walking. Tried at least. But her mental understanding seems to have taken a decline when we went to visit. She looked like she had trouble understanding what was said to her. Her eyes... God. They would lock onto mine and just be so.... empty. She'd be screaming in desperation... but with such resignation. The look would freeze you and she wouldn't look away, it had to be you that broke the gaze. It's hard to see her bed-ridden. The small frail woman who dominated the house and family. Always took command. There she was, unable to move or do anything herself.

We visited Grandpa next. He didn't recognize me the first time, thought I was a nurse. Kinda hard but... yeah. Later he remembered me. There were times when he just babbled on at nothing...then would lose interest and roll away from us. (He's in a wheel chair now because he can't walk without falling.) Other times he had his old sense of humor and used those phrases he always used to use. His mind is wandering. Slowly I watched it slip away. The old man strapped to the wheel chair was a far cry from the grandfather I grew up always knowing.
Oh, and he's been figuring out how to undo the straps and get out of his chairs which would be dangerous. So it's possible they'll sedate him soon. It won't be good.

There were a number of other upsetting fun things that went on during the trip up to see them. Yeah, crappy break.

Just some of the issues I'm trying to deal with right now.


Yesterday was my first day of the looooong battle with allergies. First day of the battle now including shots that is. Everything I am allergic to summed up into the hell-spawn. My head so cannot take shots twice a week for months and months. I won't become accustomed to them, despite what they say. And I especially love how the senile old doctor told me there would be two shots, one in each arm, and then I get there and he's like, 'What? Nono, I never said that! There's three!' One in one arm, two in the other.

I went and typed stuff up for five hours after it. But I got my mommy to come with me to the first time in case I passed out again.



Hm... what else is going on....

I'll add more another day. Gotta cry myself through much confusion in chem. grrrrargh

With Love..
~*~

Never look back.


tboblp

:: 2005 10 January :: 7.33pm

beethoven's 9th symphony...who knows the one amazing fact that makes this symphony seem so great

2 glances | Never look back.


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2005 9 January :: 12.36pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" ~Green Day

my shadow's the only one that walks beside me..

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...



It's such a pretty song...
I don't see why I have to be walking alone though.

I've retreated back into those spells when I can't IM people. I really hate this feeling of desolation and loneliness. Everyone else seems to be passing by me. I've already lost them.

I don't see the point of pulling myself out of this stupor this time.


With love
~*~

Never look back.


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2005 7 January :: 4.56pm

livinginaworldofpeopleisstilllonely

Never look back.


tboblp

:: 2005 5 January :: 10.28pm

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
-Tyler
-Bob
-Goaler

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
-tclonyl
-tboblp (ichat)
thats its!

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
-my fingers
-my musical ability
-my hair

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
-dry skin
-lack of style
-i like to argue, and it gets me in trouble


THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
-German
-Italian
-American

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
-quiet
-mystery of dying
-cell phone ringing (vibrate ONLY)

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
-guitars
-computer
-chewing gum

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
-jeans
-shirt
-underwear

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE ARTISTS:
-Rush
-Miles Davis
-Bob Dylan

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
-"Fool In the Rain" Led Zepellin
-"Knocking on Heaven's Door" Guns N' Roses
-"It Takes A Lot To Laugh, It Takes A Train To Cry" Bob Dylan

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
-shoot a revolver
-perform in ensemble
-another cuban cigar

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
-fun
-surprise, spontaneity
-intimacy

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (In no particular order):
-I play auld lang syne when warming up with guitar
-I have an extreme fear of nail files/nail filing
-I will sing any and every song, whether I know it or not no matter who can hear

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
-maturity!
-lips
-hair

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE SAME SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
-able to talk about anything

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
-play violin
-beat my stepdad at pool
-find my N64

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
-guitar playing
-hockey playing
-pool playing

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
-Recording Engineer
-Studio Musician/Sessionist
-Record Producer

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
-Germany
-Grand Canyon (again)
-Cuba

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
-visit Jimmy Hendrix's grave in Seattle
-have someone recognize my name from a song/album/artist that I worked with
-meet a professional hockey player

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR ELSE...
Uhhh.....
whatever...lol

Never look back.


beagle147

:: 2005 5 January :: 1.07am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: "A Long December" -Counting Crows

ok, it's been a while.

Umm...what's been going on? Well, the last time I updated was Christmas, and I don't remember much of the last week.

Fast forward to New Years. Me and Will decided (Will decided) to have a New Years Eve party. He invited a bunch of his friends, and I invited a few. Not many people showed up, but it was fun. Atleast I had fun. We got a lot of food, but no one really ate. We watched the gators game, and it was a blowout, so we started playing drinking games instead. I watched mostly at the beginning. They played Fuck You, which is one of the weirdest card/drinking games I've ever seen, then they played Kevin's crazy card game where like you end up drinking 50 times. Everyone started to, um, loosen up a little, and we played a rousing game of kings. Much easier for me and Jen, since I had not had more than one drink at that point, and Jen was drinking Coke since she had to drive home. Fun stuff though. We had a champagne toast at midnight. And my slightly intoxicated brother got the champagne cork stuck on the corkscrew. He learned the next morning that you don't use a corkscrew on champagne bottles.. Anywho...sometime in between the first champagne toast and the champagne toast for the central time zone we started doing shots of jagermeister. Then Will and Ian decided to chase the shots with champagne. That proved to be a lethal combination for Will (after having had 5 beers and three rum and cokes during the drinking card games). He spent the next few hours throwing up and drunk dialing. We watched a bit of Mr Holland's Opus before finding Will passed out in his bed. Atleast he was on his side. Then about 3 AM things started winding down and I got blankets for everyone and played hostess for a bit. Took about 30 seconds for Kelly and Ian to fall asleep, and Tom and Kevin were already asleep on the couches. Then I had to clean up a LOT. I basically threw stuff in the fridge that needed to go in and went to bed. I set my alarm for 10, but slept through it, and by the time I got up everyone had left. New Years Day was a lot of cleaning, then a few of us went to see Polar Express in 3D at the imax in Fort Lauderdale. I enjoyed the movie, but the headsets were really annoying. My favorite part was going in the science museum. We'll have to go back there after they open the CSI thing.

The 2nd was Will's 21st birthday, so we basically did a whole family day thing. We saw Sideways, which was...interesting, then went to dinner at Fridays, and Will ordered his first (legal) drink. They didn't even card him...it was disappointing. For his birthday I bought him this little thing, it's shaped like a flask, and it's an electronic bartender. It tells recipes for over 500 drinks and says like what food to serve them with and what kind of a glass to put them in. Not that it matters since 80% of the time those drinks are served with pizza in dixie cups in gainesville, but still, he seemed to enjoy it. I also got him a set of shot glasses with playing cards on them. Seemed appropriate for the 21st. Will was mainly upset that his days as an illegal gambler came to an end. o.0 Whatever.

Yesterday (Monday) a few of us went and saw Phantom of the Opera, which was AWESOME. Then I had to hurry home to get Hershey to the vet because she has something wrong with her eyes. The vet wasn't sure exactly what was wrong, but after a ton of testing ($260 worth, to be exact), they determined that she must have rolled in fire ants or something and then "self trauma" caused all the ickyness around her eyes. Now we have to put this ointment on her eyes and give her antibiotic pills every day. And she has to wear one of those cone collars for the next week to keep her from scratching her face again. It's HILARIOUS. She keeps walking into things, like walls, and getting stuck. Her new nickname is "Lampshade." I told my family that it's official...after this week I am definitely going to hell. Ah, poor beagle. Oh well, atleast she's not smart enough to understand what we're laughing at. Tomorrow (which will be listed as today in the date) I have to take Sasha and Kitty to the vet for their annual physicals and vaccines. Rackin' up the vet bills. By the end of next week, we will have spent more than $500 at the vet. That's what I get for having 3 pets. My parents really wanted to skip the cat's physical since she doesn't go outside (on purpose), but I finally convinced them to let me take her. She's getting old, and it's really important to have her checked up and vaccinated. It's just irresponsible to have a pet and not take them to the vet annually. So tomorrow should be fun, having the big dog and the cat carrier by myself at the vet... Wish me luck!

Hopefully I'll get back into a rhythm of posting more regularly. If not, this one should be long enough to last you for a while. I'll leave you with some Counting Crows.

It's been a long December
And there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the time I've tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

2 glances | Never look back.


orfwashere

:: 2005 1 January :: 3.05pm

I'm still here.

2 glances | Never look back.

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