Back Through The Ages. Hoorah for the Uber Personal.
Today is a day of realizations. Or was anyway..

Took the SATs today. I had some periods of complete clarity.. it was great. I could zoom through questions. Then a stupid thought would hit me and my mind would get all fuzzy again.
I think I did better than last time.. Hope anyway.
Kyu was in my room.. but she seemed.. quiet towards me.. probably just cause it was early and stressful.. yes.

Then I had to drive around for Gulfstream Park. Then try and get a parking spot. One hour. I was so tired and not feeling well I just decided to go home.

I.. was doing okay on the way home.. Kinda trying to stay awake while driving.. thinking about changing the music.. then I took Atlantic to get to Federal from AIA... and the bridge was up. So I stopped behind this little black Passat and saw this decal on the back window. Upon closer look I could see what it was... IAFF. I got so sick..

And I was thinking about it.. while trying to avoid looking ahead of me and praying the bridge went down faster.. and I'm like..... why haven't I just sat and cried? Hey, why haven't I cried many times? What have I not comprehended...? What hasn't sunk in..
But that wasn't it.. it was what wouldn't I let myself realize and face.

I lie to myself.. it's quite funny. The way I played this one off... even I'm impressed. But.. the facade's shattered a good number of times even in such a short time.. Too many emotions to keep back. I lie.. to escape reality. As Erik has put it when I asked him his opinion.. because it's easier.

Then I wondered why I can not stand it when others lie to me. I guessed it was they were thus able to hide things from me.. they could 'pull one over on me,' could deceive me in that so what else did they deceive me in? Erik said it was because I hated it when they did it because I hate myself first, hate how I am.

The one thing that I cannot get over.. that one tiny fracture across the facade's lips.. is that he lied to me. Not about those things.. those things people know about.. but about that thing. I asked him if there was anything he didn't tell me about that Saturday. He swore there wasn't.. said no several times.. flat out.. Swore no all the way up to when I told him what I knew later on.. then he said he lied. The world crashed down and emotions broke through.. broke through for a while before I could catch them then forget what had happened.

With lying goes trust.. and.. I don't understand it.
Denver sent me something that required the pushing of F2. I couldn't remember which one shut down the program you were in.. so I was afraid to do it. I'm pretty sure he'd never send me something like that.... but see? Not definitely sure. I bet he was hurt by that.. [It was some little profile thing that said 'click and push F2 between the 2 stars' and it would open up and show a cute little text about being nice or something.. but my AOL didn't hide the text.]
I... don't trust.. people... damn.


Hooray for self-revealing solemn posts!

Now that I've had some revelations, which I am sure I'll have myself forget like I just forgot the last few hours, all of you must have some revelations today too. That way we can declare this day something.
And post them here! (Ha! Like you'd do that..)

Now.. my new question.. is why in the world did I post this here?
Do I want him to see it? He's told me he isn't going to read my journal anymore. Because I don't want you people to give up again? It doesn't matter any more.. does it? I don't know why I put this here..



Let's move back throught time now.


Friday~ 4/30/04

I was dead tired today.
Nearly fell asleep while driving.
History... what to say about history.. I'm scared.
Band was rather uneventful except for the minor brush-offs.

Fell asleep when I got home.. Dad got me up, I ate dinner, took a shower, checked up online, then went to bed.


Thursday~ 4/29/04

You know what pisses me off?
Being told I can't do something I have full rights in doing.

MAO. They told me I couldn't run. Me and Jeanna and a few others. Because of new rules enacted a week before the elections: Be in MAO 2 years, or have gone to all the competitions that year. Lucky me to have missed one for the SAT.
So me.. I ignored the situation for the entirity of Jeanna's debating it. She got a rude email. Mer fought some and got no where.
Last night, midnight I wrote an email petitioning my view. I'm rather proud of it, thought it may be a bit grandiose:

Lydia and other MAO Officers~

I contest the change in rules one week prior to elections. I'm sorry but they are uncalled for by any means due to the time in which they are initiated. I can rattle off my excuses for being in MAO for one year (lack of car and younger sister) as well as for not being able to attend all the competitions this year (SAT on the same morning) but you don't want to hear them (still I threw them in anyway ^.~).

I have not argued with the officers over this. Instead, I let others voice their opinions since I was so far taken aback and hurt by this initiation I was not about to go speak my mind and offend others. In response I've heard some reasoning for it: the undedicated members running for President and Vice President. Well.. if they're undedicated sophomores or freshmen.. they won't win anyway. Besides, President should be limited to a rising senior and Vice President open to only rising seniors and rising juniors in my opinion, with rising sophomores not allowed to run for anything without having gone to all of the competitions. People take the top two positions especially into account very heavily, I would not expect the people in math club to go about and vote for someone definitely not qualified.

The timing of these new rules.. absurd. One week before the elections you make it a rule that one cannot run without having been to all the competitions. That defies time and cannot work. If that rule had been in place prior to the competitions, then it would be in all fairness and I could easily accept it.

I have personally done my best to participate and be active in this club. I tried to help out if I could and learn whatever was needed, tried to adapt to the things not explained to me and worked on what I did not understand. I believe I have full right to be able to run for an office, especially that of a historian, and that the rules have no grounds in fairness to be able to count.

Again, I apologize for my lack of a quicker reply. And request reconsideration of these rules for those members dedicated and passionate enough to still wish to run for offices.

Thank you for your time,
~*~


That got passed around today. People liked it and I was happy. We get to lunch and they're pissed off and intend to not put my name on the ballot. I was calm.. write in ballots worked fine for me.. I had full right to run and would do so.
Got to the meeting.. and Jeanna had informed Mr. Power of the new rules. Seems it was the first time he'd heard of them. He lectured and yelled at the officers for like 20 minutes! I kinda felt bad.. for the officers that didn't do anything.
Well, then we were allowed to give our speeches. I got tongue-tied of course and my mind completely blanked. Joyous. Really.
Jeanna and the others got to run too.
The election voting though.. really made me upset. I didn't like who I was voting for and why I think. I dunno..
There'll be a lot of close calls.

But after the elections.. Michael stood up and addressed the club and officers, asking who had changed the rules. He was a bit too passionate.. too forceful.. but the club did have a right to be told and explained to... Well, they should've gone into it before the election.. so many speeches were done on the spot. And others like Wojcich (props to the yearbook for helping me spell that right, though I had to recheck it a couple times) wanted to run, but didn't realize they were allowed to until Michael said something.
It was a big scene.. with lots of drama.. but.. yeah.
Someone wasn't happy afterward.. at me. We argued about nothing for a while, agreeing pretty much.. I think they were mad at knowing we were fighting it earlier.

[And now I just read my email... and am really not happy. She's accused me of "discrimination" and having sent hate mail. So I sent it to the whole club. Whatever.]


I... couldn't focus this night. Trying to work on the math assessment and just... couldn't.

I blamed him. Still do..
Loss of apetite.
Lack of sleep.
Inability to focus.
Heart racing.


Ugh, I dunno what's up with me. My body's about to give out soon.. circulation I think is down... my arms or legs'll just start to hurt.. ugh.

So I owe Lauren a great deal. Still.. it took me the whole night. Natalia came on and we chatted a bit, wasted some time. She left to go sleep and lie to her parents to miss the first to classes. Go her.
But Kyo... Kyo never left me... he stayed with me for hours... cheering me up and tring to get me to focus and feel better.. I don't understand them.

So that was my third all-nighter ever. I was SO dead on friday.. rolled into saturday.. with the SATs.. it'll roll into sunday's cramming.. and then to the AP exam I'm sure.



My head hurts.. A lot of my body hurts.. but I think.. I think if I got passed all the lies and things... my heart would be in pieces and I wouldn't be able to do any of the things I can already just barely do.



Oh, and I got a hold of the MSPP (TCG) for 600K (though it was stolen from another guild and sold to me...) So Lauren if you want that 'Evil' avatar or if you want it on another name Amanda, let me know.

2 glances | Never look back.