:: 2003 9 October :: 4.39 pm
:: Mood: not sure

we didnt finish that song....but we did make the chorus..and it all goes together...and we were ready to put in the singinging...and it seemed like everyone was on the same key today...it didnt matter what me or mike played becuase autimatically jeremy and chris would put in some shit...and it would sound good...soo..i think atleast we all pulled together and it all sounded great....stuff should go alot more smoother from now on... mike was alittle annoying..like all of us minus him wanted to work on that song..but all he did was go on and do whatever...maybe its just becuase it was his first time with us and he wanted to make a good impression...but over all it wasnt a bad band practice... but tonights violin lesson was terrible...i havent been practicing the stuff my instructor wants me to do becuase ive been extremely busy with the band....i feel like i disappoint him...i think im goign to go try and get some stuff done with that right now...so maybe next week he will see me as an ok student....but im a procrastinator so i think im going to go play Resident Evil Zero ;)...

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 9 October :: 8.30 am
:: Mood: just woke up-i dont know

yesterday didnt go as planned....randy said we had to go out to shaes and get some money (and i almost had to scoops my eyes out...at shaes, always knock).. and get speaker cable in concord..and then go back to loudon to get the other speaker at levis and then go back to penacook...thats all we did in like 4 hours...we also went to Foodies and got like a huge ass discount becuase chris was with us...mmm..pizza...anyways..hope somethign happens today...but im afraid no one will be able to make it in te end...becuase randy has court and no way of gettign back...and jeremy has a dentist appointment..and when they all finally get back...i might have to be leaving for violin lessons and i have to drive my brother to his band practice today....but...the suns coming out...thats always good :)..atleast it will be warm-ish..

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 8 October :: 1.11 pm
:: Mood: happy

as usual..lol.....today was great...and that little state of depression only lasted for like 2 hours...i feel great....maybe i should start just not typeing that stuff...lol....it always goes away and then i look back on them and go "wow...lmao... im such a drama queen.."..its soo nice out..i wish i could go on a road trip...or like walk somewhere randomly with a friend...(id rather randy not get another ISS, so not him....we do that all the time..and he has a class..lol)... cantwait for band practice tonight.. i have almost no doubt we will finish that song..and then tommorrow we might get the general idea of another one down..and then the next 2 days finish it..and then..and then...lol.....sorry, im wicked hyper.... i guess im going to work off this energy by playing solitaire :-/...nothing else to do...lol..

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 7 October :: 8.19 pm

definetly thinking to hard.....i should be saying that im not half bad looking... and that it doesnt really matter anyways... :-/... i understand that looks are far from everything...but... i cant really think of anything else...and people have been kinda rubbing it in my face lately....

2 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 7 October :: 8.01 pm
:: Mood: i dotn know

blah.....why do i feel so depressed...i dotn understand....::sigh::... everything just seems to be hurting....like....even the small stuff... like how there isn anyone online right now...no one that is like really really happy to see me....no one that will miss me when i go and do my hw in alittle bit.....i just dont know anymore...i think im thinking to hard... but then i question if their will ever be someone.....how many people could really look passed how i look....there isnt many people like that....and if they could look passed this face then theyed be way to good for me anyways.....hmmm...blah....anyways...i should be happy since i just had band practice and like we actually got stuff done...we worked and actually worked on the music for the whole time... when people started getting side tracked i stopped them... and levi was there..and i actually told him to stay of jeremys drums when he needed them....i should be happy right now...but im sad.. wish there was a way to feel like i have someone....without actually having someone becuase i dont think that is going to happen any time soon... but only time will tell...

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 7 October :: 1.22 pm
:: Mood: blah

Today was blah.. This keyboard is wicked fucked up though.. i only can right 2 "."s in a row.. and i can only pres backspace once before i have to highlight everything i want to delete and pres backspace again.. wow. this is wicked hard. and when ever i pres butons i can hear this weird little sound. damn it. anyways. today has been ok.. except. actualy now that ive gone back and seen all the letters missing from my words this keyboard cant have any key pressed more then once in a row..and then you have to try realy hard to get the second one.this is so random but its pissing me off. today kinda feels like hate todd day.. i dont know why.. but i feel so lonely. kinda makes me want to cry.. some kid thought i was mental retarded.. just becuase of how i look. that didnt feel good.. and it wouldnt hurt so much if i knew that wasnt true. but maybe it is.. blah. like i always thought of myself as a nice guy. but. if i am why else wouldnt i have a gf. really. to what purpose was i born this way. like. i look at myself in the mirror outside. and all i see is a person that is kinda not all there in his head. maybe everyone that doesnt know me sees me in that way. i dotn know how i can not look like this.and i know looks are not everything. and i know even my friends know that changing is not the answer. but their not ugly. so what would they know. like. they all have bf or gf. and im alone. ive never had a gf. its oblviously becuase people dont like dating people that can be confused for being mental;y retarded. i wouldnt. thats for sure. and the beggining of this journal entry only proves that im fucked up. i guess im going to go out and look in that mirror in the hall some more to maybe find something attractive about me. but im grateful for those people that looked passed my face. and atleast i can think of them.. maybe someday i wont look like this. but thats only a dream. and they tend to not come true.

2 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 6 October :: 1.16 pm
:: Mood: happy

Hmm.....nothing is happening right now and its makeing me really really bored....i want to go jam..but im in school at the moment..lol...we have to work our ass's like gay guys on valentines day....or we wont be able to play that show....and it will happen as long as everyone works their best and is not negative...WE WILL GET DONE 6 ORIGINALS AND 2 COVERS BY NOVEMBER 15th!!!.....we will...lol...or ill kill someone....not sure who...but it will happen...i will let the little voice choose who for me... i think ill call the little voice Mr. Grey...lmao....that sounded really freaky.. :P...anyways....lol...Cradle of Filth is playing the day before us...lol...i dont like them that much but still..thats cool...and i have to go pick up the PA and Adams bass amp at Levis tonight..and bring all the shit to jeremy's so we can set it up..and actually have a real jam setion...which would actually include a bass and a singer this time...lol...lately its been just me and jeremy playing shit...im excited...lol

1 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 4 October :: 7.27 pm
:: Mood: excited

ive known for a while and im still excited...last night me, randy, and chris worked on jeremys huge loft thing for a long while..we sweeped, and moved a bunch of shit... vaccumed some coutches..put up a bunch of lights...and then we went out and got chords and bought electrical strips at walmart at 1:30 in the morning...everything is set up and stuff...and like me and randy and jeremy got a song almost put together minus any bass or second guitar...yeah...i cant wait to play at the palladium...this is probly all my journal will say for a really long time...AND OMG!!! Deftones are playign there 2 days after us....wicked sweet...like...i can stand on the same stage they once stood on and will stand on again...yay.. hope we have some really good stuff by november 15th....

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 2 October :: 1.23 pm
:: Mood: wicked happy

hmmm....i think the past isnt really applying anymore...i dont know....people tat supposedly hated me for the journal dont...and shouldnt since the one person that learned becuase of me is nothign compared to mrs ferris telling her whole class...and anyone that might ask...but im going to go apologize right now anyways...even though im starting to think she might have no idea what im takling about...and shes seems kinda happy right now...hope i dont ruin it....blah....but on the subject of good news.... FTF is going to lift off...the countdown is at 1 month and 13 days.. ROCK ON!!!!!!!im sooo excited..nothing could make me not happy at this moment......im like "OMG!!!! YEAH!!!! METAL!!!!!!!"

3 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 1 October :: 1.14 pm
:: Mood: blah/pissed

Today felt ok over all...i just dont know...i dont see why everyone exclusivly blamed me....i know certain people (more then one) who told more people then i told (which was one..but only becuase i was dumb and put it in my journal....) and soo..i dont see why i was soo upset....erin wasnt.....thats for sure...not to be an asshole...but..umm...i dotn know.... wish that person was in 4th block right now..i wanted to apologize for putting that shit in my journal which lead to someone figuring it out..it really sounds pretty inesent when i say it that way..but i still feel alittle bad...and everyone in this class knows about what happened (not my journal)....but they dont know about this journal..or ashly...its becuase of someone else that will go nameless..thank you....she pisses me off..seriously...i remember the day we learned....how many fuckin people she told....it makes me pissed today that she was upset at me becuase ashly knew and "todd everyone knows now becuase of your profile"...if she ever says that again ill be like "well..its a journal.....and only one person knows becuase of me...you were the one that told half the people in our class....and not to mention those people in the hall (which i think might be in our class to)..GROW SOME FUCKIN BALLS AND ADMIT IT AND STOP BLAMING OTHERS!!" ......she didnt even seem sad (that she told).....people are stupid..well..this is an update...she just went "fuck"....soo maybe shes probly sad...alittle....and umm....the teacher jsut said she told some people too...pfft....definetly not all my fualt ..

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 30 September :: 4.28 pm
:: Mood: happy/ hyper

im like really happy right now...for the first time ever i dotn have any hw....today was pretty good to...except there was some gross stuff on the collar of my shirt... and people were like ewww...and i was like..."its nothing...jeese...just some powdery stuff on my collar"..but then i saw it was on my neck to...and i was like in the bathroom scrubbing it off..and my neck was like all red...and then i looked in the mirror too much...and well...i didnt like what i saw... but then i got home and people cheered me up...tommorrow im going ot wear the fishy nets...that way ill feel hot....even though today i felt kinda not...wow..i just rhymed..lol.. neato torpedo..and Matt was annoying me alot.. "everyone look at todd!!.. haha"..he was just kdding..but that was wicked annoying especially since he said it like 20 times.... ..anyways.. it was a good day over all...no one is on AIM...so im going to go play guitar and violin...

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 27 September :: 7.13 pm
:: Mood: thankful
:: Music: HIM- Right Here In My Arms

4 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.