kind of like this.

kind of like this.

:: 2005 8 August :: 10.39pm
:: Mood: drained

i really suck at writing in this thing...

it's been awhile, and a lot has happened, but it doesn't matter

i got a new job...well, kind of...i work in the floral department now, and i make more money, so im really happy with it

i bought a new car, thats right, no more shit comments about my neon...i really do love that car, and i hope whoever has it next appreciates the fact that it never broke down on me...as for my new car...heck yes

had the most amazing girls night ever a few nights ago....kaylene, kayln and i stayed up until 730 just talking...about everything! it was insane, i couldn't believe that we kept finding new things to talk about...and it was nice to share a few things that ive been trying to keep under wraps...i got to say a lot of things that i thought, especially about people in my past and whatnot...i came to a lot of realizations though...i dont regret anything, and im glad it all happened, i wouldn't change it for the world...i hope you know that

i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind this morning...such a good movie, i highly recommend it

i go in tomorrow to try on my bridesmaids dress...kind of scary..

school starts soon, im preparing myself for my first good-bye: Doug. He is going to be so incredibly hard to say good-bye to...its gonna suck a lot. Who am i going to play dorky video games with? Honestly...doug just understands sometimes. sad.

I think after doug is sara...thats gonna suck too...damnit, then maybe james...then the motherload leaves...megan, brian, ian, and nelson all at basically the same time...fuck.

I'm not ready to say goodbye...im not ready to not have anyone on a saturday night...sure theres still kaylene, and kayln, and daniel....but its not the same, and i should have been preparing myself for it, and i havent...i like my little bubble, i hate to see that its breaking

speaking of breaking bubbles...heres something that has been bugging me lately...i have never realized how much everyone hates everyone...honestly, i dont know how this group has stayed together so long...i mean, think about it...there are a lot of people that i hang out with on a regular basis that i really dont like half the time, and i know thats the case for a lot of other people too...but i mean, if we dont like each other, then why are we still "friends"?

i need to go read

let it

shiznit05

:: 2005 19 July :: 10.50am
:: Mood: derr

haha i forgot something, i had the best night two nights ago...i went over to dougs, and we played some video games, then i saw the coolest acapella thing ever online, it made me happy, then james came over, we played more video games, with me getting tackled like every 5 seconds, then we went to waffle house at like 1230...it was hilarious, coleman joined us when we got there, nice guy...grits are gross though...so much fun!!

1 blow | let it

shiznit05

:: 2005 19 July :: 10.37am
:: Mood: sleepy!
:: Music: best of queen

so, NY was an amazing time, the perfect break i needed from everything, i left ohio telling myself i would think everything through and come up with a super amazing solution...instead, i blocked the entire situation from my brain and had an amazing weekend, and when i got back, the situation didnt seem nearly as relevant as it did before...well, whatever works haha

i felt so incredibly spoiled when i got home...i got to spend the 4th of july in NY...like i have for the past 8 years or so..save last year...but by being in NY i normally miss it here, but not this year...i got NY and OH, it was lovely, and i felt so incredibly happy that night

life has been pretty routine lately, i wake up, lay aroun, go to work, go to the gym, go out...end of story...i cant wait until fall though, maybe it'll liven things up a bit

last sunday, we partied at daniels...i remembered most of the night...but i wish i would forget haha, im not very cute at a time like that...ugh, we'll wait awhile before i drink that much again...2 shots and 7 beers...wow

i got my hair cut...i have bangy things now...getting used to it, but everyone seems to like it, so whatever works i guess, its just hair

living in bowling green until wednesday...its been great, i like this living on my own thing..i could so do this

kayln and sara came over and we watched a sex in the city DVD...it was awesome...such a good night...ive been oddly happy lately, like nothing can touch me right now

brian ryan hess and i went bowling some time last week..so much fun!! im actually not as bad of a bowler as i used to be...kayln joined us for the last game, and sara came to watch :)

the other day i spent all with megan, i was her 4H motivator, i kept her sane...i love megan lots, im really going to miss her next year...i just like it how in the first5 minutes of our gathering, i can tell her whats bothering me, and she can do the same, and then its done with...we come to an understanding and its good, then we go on with our lives...expect lots of cinci visits next year..i'll start saving gas money now haha

i think thats about it..

let it

shiznit05

:: 2005 1 July :: 2.11pm
:: Mood: busy

ok, i have 2.5 hours...and a list of things that need to get done, ive already loaded up my mp3 player...i made a list of what i want to pack, i just need to take a shower, and write in this thing...so, we're getting there, im almost ready

so, i think ive got it figured out, theres honestly been a stick up my butt the last few days, and ive got two ideas of what the problem is, one is a person, but the weekend away should fix that, and the other is just something thats been running through my head...for the past few years it's worked, i liked it, but lately, its changing and i think im having problems coping witht the fact that it doesnt work anymore, so thats what i have to come to terms with this weekend, and im hoping i'll get there, becuase everytime ive come home lately, im just bummed out because its becoming more and more blantant that things just arent what they used to be...and i think the change is for the worst

anyway, now that that is over with, i am so excited about leaving today, i have second thoughts this morning, but i realized that theres nothing to keep me here, at least last year, when i thought about not going, i had someone here that really wanted me to stay, not so much right now, this 3 day absence of mine wont be hurting anybody.

it makes me laugh, when people go to other countries, they try to fake accents...why? just be content with being american...geez haha

its supposed to be gorgeous this weekend....sunny and 75...yes

i should pack.

let it

shiznit05

:: 2005 28 June :: 12.19am
:: Mood: contemplative

i dont know anymore, ive been sitting here for the past 10 minutes, just staring at my computer screen, i havent really done anything worth while, ive just been thinking

why? honestly, can someone answer that question for me? why him? why now? why always? i mean, whats so special about him? sara told me it was because it's right...it feels right, its what's expected, its almost too perfect. but its not, its not perfect, it hasnt been perfect for over a year now. it used to be...everyone used to comment on it...'you two are perfect together'...'just give it time...fate will bring you together...how could it not?'...i used to believe it all, really i did. then tonight, while i was on the phone with brian, it hit me...its not gonna happen, not now, now would be the worst time, i cant keep wishing for it, because all im doing is getting my hopes up for nothing, and i will not have my heart broken again by someone who decides to not return the feelings i have. i just want to go back to the friendship we used to have...remember that? it used to be easy, what made it so difficult? was it just me? becuase right now, im the only person i can point a finger at...why does that always happen, why can i never place blame on someone else, i always figure out a way to blame myself...maybe it is you...kaylene told me you're just blind. you cant see whats good, and whats right in front of you...i dont know anymore, i just pray that God will straighten me out someday soon, and i'll realize that you dont feel the same way, never have, and let me slowly let go of the hope i have...

let it