I try but can't succeed
"On My Own"

see all those people on the ground
wasting time
i try to hold it all inside
but just for tonight
the top of the world
sitting here wishing
the things I've become
that something is missing
maybe I...
but what do I know

and now it seems that i have found
nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
slow it down
without it all
I'm choking on nothing
it's clear in my head
and I'm screaming for something
knowing nothing is better than knowing at all

On My Own

Need i say more? yes i think there is a need. Pain. Misery. Suffering. These emotions are all i feel anymore. They envelop me to the point of suffocation. They fill every part of me. Every aspect of my life. Taking over. Making the few good thigs in my life, seem like pointless, trivial pursuits (no pun intended) and are only there to waste my time. I get no release. No freedom from these feelings. I am now free of her. The one person that might lift me up. I had to let her go. Not that i had much choice in the matter. She managed to get away not by my lack of loving her. but her lack of wanting me to. She is no longer a part of me. She can't touch me. Yet she does. I haven't talked to her in many weeks. It feels like years. Each second lasting hours. And the pain never ceases. It's always there. Like it was a permanent part of me. Funny thing is, at this point in my life, it does seem permanent. I'm not sure it will ever go away. I guess the only thing i can be happy about right now is the fact that i dont give in. I'm still here. Alive and well. More or less. But this is little concelation to me. It means very little. I feel like these emotions grow stronger. They gain ground each day. And i am powerless to stop their relentless assault on my soul. I push back but it does nothing. It's like pushing against a brick wall with a pack of elephants pushing on the other side. Your always retreating. Yet somehow i always come back for another round of punishment. And most of the time i let it roll of me. Like Nick. I'm not going to tryt and spell his last name. I dont know how to. I couldn't care less, though. The little fucker can spend eternity burning in hell and being tortured until all he knows is pain. Maybe then someone will inderstnd how i feel. Well anyway, this "kid" feels the need to prove he's cool by calling me a faggot on the bus. The point of this was to prove that i couldnt hear him im guessing. Since i always sit down, turn my rock music on high and stare out the window. Noone else laughed. But i heard him. I gave him a look and did nothing else. I turned back to the window and didnt look at him again. He doesnt deserve my attention. But like i said, I dont care about things like this. They dont seem to bother me that much. It's when i get home and i realize the she isnt with me that the pain of it all returns. everything that i feel stems from my feelings for her. Everytime i smile it's becuase i think that my chances of being with ehr have groown. And every time i'm miserable, it's becuase i know that i'll never have her. I'm not sure any of my "friends" understand. They dont know love. They havent even scratched the surface of true love. So they are no help to me. My sister, as much as she tries, cant help me. And my parents have no true grasp of whats going on in my life, so they can't help. I'm on my own. And i think thta's the way it has pretty much always been. But i will find a way. I always do. She has no power and no control. Correction: i am taking her power away. will leave you now so i can wallow in my pain and self-pity.
~BOYER

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)