"Sometimes" I'm dreamin about tomorrow, I'm thinkin of yesterday, I consume myself in sorrow this moment in time is what I betray, I am searching for the answers I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause I don't know which way to go, I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause my life is spinning out of control I never know what you want, I never know what you need, it was different from the start, when you cut me in two I never thought I would bleed, but I am searching for the answers I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause I don't know which way to go, I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause my life is spinning out of control I will go this alone I don't need nobody's help, I've got to do this myself, Alone, Alone, Alone, Alone I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause I don't know which way to go, I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause my life is spinning out of control I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause I don't know which way to go, I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause my life is spinning out of control

 

home | profile | guestbook


And Fire's a Beautiful Sound

recent entries | past entries

eragedbluerat

:: 2003 11 September :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Savestheday-Firefly

Doing just fine
Hey yall, my life seemingly has taken a turn for the better. Though still camp-sick, and depressed, I'm trying to look at things opptimistically. I'm currently taking Advanced Telecommunications as my elective (we have to take language as an elective),and i'm doing really good in that class. I guess i am anyway. Though kelli is the only person i know that im spending time with, i seem to be enjoying my time with her more. I guess i never really hated her for it. i was just confused. So its making me realize that even though they stabbed me in the back, i have to forgive if i want any where near a normal life. So Dave your ok i guess but im not playing football with you so dont ask. Well i have a spanish test tomorrow so ill write sumin up then.
~Boyer

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)

eragedbluerat

:: 2003 10 September :: 7.08pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Tiger army

Today
Back again for another installment into the life of me. It sucks but seemingly getting better. Im not doing to bad in school. Other than the fact that my algebra teacher (up until this point) seems like a real bitch, I have no real complaints about my teacher. Overall today wasnt too bad. I've had worse days. But I'm still depressed about camp. Life seemed so simple there. even though with the most confusing girl was my girlfriend. Here it seems that my life is boring and uneventful yet at the same time crazy. Why is that? GRAAAAAH I need camp. I have to get out of this hellhol or im gonna snap. Either that or I'm gonna snap someone's neck.
It's odd. Unlike most people in my town id like to consider myself very religious. Though i havent gone to church in about 2 years, i pray every night. I have a rosary at my bed. And sometimes i listen to Christian rock. But only Jars of clay. But still Im not sure what to believe anymore. I'm slowly losing faith in God. I Still believe in him and always will. It's not that i don't believe he exists. I dont believe he wants to help me anymore. I dont know. I'm confused. I just want to run away. I dont want to be bothered with all this shit any longer. Why should I have to? What motivation do I have to go on living this shitty life. Everything in my life right now seems to be oing wrong. The post camp Matt is a very cynical, sarcastic person. I hate living where i do. My parents always find ways to yell at me. Like just now i was studying for a spanish test. Well my dad comes up to my room and says that i have to get offline and stop listening to my music. he wants me to study. I thought he meant that he wanted me to go downstairs and study. Well thats not what the asshole meant. So I go downstairs and he asks me about 5 minutes after ive been sitting there we have this discussion:
DAD: matt are you studying?
ME: Im waiting for you
DAD: But are yo studying?
ME: and once again i say im waiting for you
DAD: MATT are you studying?
ME: You asked me to come down here to study and im here
DAD: What dont you understand? ARE YOU STUDYING?
ME: I understand what our saying but you asked me to come down here and study. Im waiting.
DAD: I never said that
ME: O im just imagining it then ok dad
DAD: Hey dont get snippy with me
ME: Im not
DAD: I asked you if you were studying
ME: I studied some of the words but not all of them
DAD: why didnt you just say that!!
ME: I didnt realize that's what you were asking me. I thought you asked me down here to study with you.
DAD: Why cant you just listen to what im saying? Why do you have to get me so fucking worked up? So are you studying matt?
ME: not right now im arguing with you about something stupid.
DAD: Fine then study!
(Matt's mind): Shut the fuck up you asshole you are the one that always says pick your battles. You just wasted 10 minutes of my life arguing about a misunderstanding. So hypecritical bastard how bout you just shut the fuck up!!
And here i am now. Angrier and even more camp sick than i was before. I envy my sister so much. She's so fucking lucky. She's away at college. GO ELON!! Night yall
~BOYER

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)

eragedbluerat

:: 2003 9 September :: 4.56pm
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: Chevelle-Closure

So on it goes
And you thought my life could't be any worse. Well guess what? It can!! There are many things left out of yesterday's entry. In addition to being kicked out of camp, I left all of my friends back there. Well it turns out that none of them live in South Jersey. They all have to live in north jersey, new York or a foreign country. so i never get to see them except for camp once a year. Wow, isnt that great. And i have few friends here. Not that i'm complaining, everyone here can rot in hell for all eternity. But the kid i thought was my best friend since 5th grade stabs me in the back last year. Not thinking im listening to him on the phone, he tells his mom that he "doesnt want to talk to that asshole." Well fuck you then Dave. I have since "forgiven" him. But i have definately not forgotten. You can bet on that. He was the only kid i actually liked until that happened. Now i have about 4 friends that i can actually trust. And i can consider them true friends. How often do i see them? I see one of them 2 periods of the day. ONE!!! For only 2 periods!!!! what the hell is that? Oh and she's a trip all in herself. If I ever told anyone reading this that I think I have the worst luck with woman, this is why. In addition to the bitch (Lauren Singer) I have liked this friend of mine. So I like her (never love) and i decide im going to ask her out. She broke up with her boyfriend i think about 3-4 weeks before. So I ask her out. What does she say? no. she likes me as a friend. fine. w/e. I'm not heartbroken. But then the whench has the gumshin to tell me that she really is just trying to get over the last guy she was with. once again fine. But then we talk about it the next day and she says she doesnt know how she feels, she might like me she doesnt know. She said she is still waiting to get over her last boyfriend. Like its a switch that someone has to hit for you. Yeah that made sense. Well then it gets even better. A day or so later. I see her with a guy named Mike. AAAAAAAHHH What the FUCK is that??!!!! I thought you were waiting to get over your boyfriend, bitch? Oh and i might like you. What are you trying to keep me as a back up? Trying to leed me on just enough so that if it doesnt work with Mike u can be with me? Yeah well go to hell. You and Mike. Well then i just gave up with girls for a while. I don't want to be bothered with the hassles that every girl i meet throws on me. That's just my social life. Maybe tommorrow i'll write about more problems in my fucked up life. But don get discouraged. There are some good things. But I'm not in a happy mood. Ill talk about them when I am.
~Boyer

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)

eragedbluerat

:: 2003 8 September :: 8.25pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: same as earlier

same fricken thing
if anyone knows how to change a name please tell me becuase i hate this name and i spelled it wrong so please leave a message thanks.

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)

eragedbluerat

:: 2003 8 September :: 8.23pm
:: Mood: enraged
:: Music: tiger army-incorporeal

Fuck life
Well, my life in a nutshell is basically hell with a side order of your screwed get used to it. I try sports. Yeah cuz im the jocky type. And if you took that last comment seriously i pity you. I have had a love in my life. She was everything i could ever want and more. She was amazing. Though im only 15 I knew i loved her. But the bitch fucked me over. Not 1 time, not 2 times, hell not even 3 times. This heartless, confused, screw you cuz this is how it should be, bitch decides that she loves me too. And I bet your all confused. Well let me explain. Damnit give me a second. Impatient bastards. Well as im leaving (camp - i got kicked out a week early) she tells me this. Then about 3 weeks later we talk and she decides that a long distance relationship isnt for her. What the fuck? So your saying you'll love me then but as soon as you get home it's drop everything cuz im the queen? Fuck you bitch. You fickle whench make up your mind!!! Well that was about a week ago. I'm moving on but i kno that i'll probably still love her for a long time even after i get over her. And that's what pisses me off the most. Secondly, school starts. Yeah well we all are going through that. But lucky me Washngton township is a hub for wiggers. They roam our halls unchecked by our security. How? Why? Well as you can tell by now (if your not an idiot that is) I HATE WIGGERS. they annoy me to no end. How is it that adding izzle to every word and acting stupid is funny? Your not cool. There is nothing cool about you. That's right you should die. Go away. Be gone and leave me. Honestly, there are some cool ones out there, but most of them are actually funny. And at least not stupid. Thjey actually sound intelligant when they talk. They dont say like and umm every other word either. But the rest of you can DIE. Next, how is it that we didnt notice the slut population in this country jumped over the past 5 years? Dont we check things like that? We should anyway. I swear if I hear another girl say that she saw this guy and he was like sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot (like i care, i wallk away and they act like its a joke and giggle and laugh) then im going to scream. You bitches. Don't you realize that noone cares about your pointless crushes and look at me im not wearing much attitudes. Your a waste of space!!. Until you can figure that out then you will amount to nothing more than a pregnant stripper in some dirty night club asking yourself how life got this way. Well you were a fucking slut all through high school thats how. And you know what annoys me the most. I heard a girl the other day ask some kids around me if they were smart at algebra. She wanted to cheat of some kids papers. That's how she got through last year becuase she's bad at math. Why are they also lazy. I probably wouldn't hate sluts as much if they at least tried. If you suck at math then stay behind until you don't. No you have to lie to everyone and make them think your slutty ass actually knows something. FUCK YOU!!! You pathetic waste. Put on some clothes and get away from me or i might throw up on you. I'm done for tonight.
~signing off
Boyer

2 And the wings that you burn..... | turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)

Woohu.com | Random Journal