woo!!!
I just got my SAT scores.

590 math
750 verbal
1340 combined

I'm pretty happy about math, even if it isn't spectacular (according to my PSATs, I should have gotten a 530), but I'm estatic about my verbal. 750 rocks. Especially since my PSATs gave me a 670. This is really really wonderful, and gives me a much greater scope of prospective colleges than the 1200 I was expecting did. And considering that I only studied for an hour, got home lateish the night before because I was watching Harry Potter 3, and was sick the morning of the test, this is so much better than I would have ever thought. It's kinda sad that standardized tests mean so much...but I'm really happy I did so well!

http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=18901
"Gay marriage 'could lead to the extinction of the entire human race,' said event spokesman Rev. Thomas Wang, as reported in the Chinese newspaper Sing Tao. 'There will be no future if the United States does not repent.'"

Fuck you. I'm sorry that LOVING PEOPLE and MARRYING THEM like EVERY STRAIGHT PERSON HAS THE RIGHT TO DO is so repulsive to you. Apparently, me meeting a nice girl someday and marrying her would kill all the humans. Maybe that's a good thing! If you aren't some fucking right wing white Christian fundamentalist group, what the hell are you doing spouting this crap??? I'd like to support your cause. I really would.

"Some reject the notion that same-sex marriage is a civil rights issue.
Rev. Raymond Kwong, who organized the rally in San Francisco, leads the newly formed Bay Area Christians for Traditional Marriage (BACFTM). "We are sympathetic to true minorities. Gays and lesbians are not a genuine minority," he says in the AsianWeek report. "I have talked to many African American ministers and they are incensed that the civil rights bus has been hijacked by a radical group. When were there separate entrances for gays and straights? When have gays gotten worse jobs and lower pay than straight people? I've never seen any gays who had to go to the back of the bus."'

I'm sorry, but there is A LOT of discrimination out there!!!! Maybe it's not nearly as bad as it used to be, but it's still a civil rights issue! Look at "Don't ask, Don't tell," that discriminates against gays and lesbians in the military, just like African Americans were once descriminated in the military. Maybe gay people don't have to sit on the back of a bus, but I'm sure some people would try to make that happen if it was easier to tell if someone wasn't straight!!! Emmitt Till's murder, Mathew Shepard's murder, both hate crimes! I'm so happy you don't care. I'm lucky to live in a mostly open-minded area, but a lot of people aren't! And you want to say that gay marriage will destroy America??? What about you?!?!

The muse (annual school literary mag) came out today. It was several pages of crap, not-quite-crap, and horrible crap. I'm trying very hard not to be elitist here...but it's hard. The girl who sits in front of me in math pointed out that all the people who were lovesick last year (the last muse had mostly sickly sweet love poetry) must have broken up or something, because all this poetry seemed to be was "I hate life/it sucks/i wish my mother would die/this pain is too much" unpoetic crap. A few people tried. I shouldn't be so critical. Afterall, I didn't submit anything. It's hard, though, not to be kinda disgusted with most of it. Next year I think I'll submit at least one poem, probably several, probably under an assumed name (I'm thinking Elizabeth Rivers), so other poetry-snobs won't make fun of me.

I also got my senior picture taken today after dinner. I think it's going to look as little like me as possible (I'm not even wearing glasses), which means I think it's going to look nice. The guy who took the photo certaintly posed me enough times (plus they airbrush the pictures).

nothing interesting
I hate coughing like this. Coughing like I cough--loud and barking--tires me out. My throat is sore and my neck is sore and I'm far too tired for it not to be ten o'clock yet.

I also hate homework. There are only two more school days before finals start, yet I still have homework. To steal the words of an animated character, this womps.

Pathways to Politics
Wow. There are actually people my age that care about politics. And many of them know a ton more than I do. I'm actually worried about not having enough political knowledge. But it's still very very cool. I get to spend two weeks with girls that actually know who the Vice President is, and who their govenor is, and their congresspeople too, I'm sure. I joined the yahoo group one girl started, and now I'm intimidated. I posted once with my aol sn, and within two hours three girls had imed me, and I ended up having a long conversation about politics and the difficulties (and importance) of being informed. And someone just posted a suggested reading list (The Prince, Utopia, Profiles in Courage, Animal Farm, and Nineteen Eighty-Four), and I've only read half of it! I am so excited, if nervous. I don't want to make an idiot of myself by saying something uninformed. And the same person who posted the list suggested that we all try to bone up on basic US and general world history, particulary the post-WWII stuff. I'm not sure if I should be intimidated or excited, so I've compromised by being both.

And it's only a month (and four days) away!

Books!
I went to the library today and got four books, which means I have five books to read now (if you count the book of Sylvia Plath poetry I still have out). It's becoming more and more apparent that I am turning into a snobbish literati, because I took out Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions, William Burroughs' Naked Lunch, and I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by I have't-a-clue, which my mom said she read in English class a few decades ago. And Youth in Revolt, which is pretty good so far (thank you Katie). I am looking forward to hours of reading ecstasy. Unfortuanately, I really ought to be studying for the SATs right now, as I take them Saturday (and they count this time).

Besides books, I've been kinda bored. I did go driving today with my dad, though, which was kinda fun because I Want to be Sedated by the Ramones (I think?) came on, and we were both singing along. And it's been a gorgeous day, so we had the windows down, and since I was driving to camp (to make sure I know my way for later), the scenery was nice when I wasn't focusing every bit of attention on the road to prevent my father from telling me idiotic things like to slow for stop signs (yes, I know what a red octagon means, my foot was on the brake!).

My uncle refered to someone as a "fag" today
And he called Al Roker "Fat Al." Not that it's that important...but. No one in my family uses the word "fag." It felt really weird to have my uncle, who I really like, use a term I consider hateful, and he wasn't even trying to be hateful. This is why I don't ever want to tell my family I'm bisexual, just because of little things like this. My paternal grandma likes Ellen Degeneres (sp?) and is also homophobic; my maternal grandma loves KD Lang and admits to having a crush on a girl when she was young, but refuses to believe bisexuality exists; I wondered for years if my uncle was gay because he had a male housemate, but he uses the word "fag" casually; my father can seem to be very liberal until he says that he doesn't consider homosexual love real love; my mother seems very accepting until I remember that she thinks being gay is a choice (or so she implied six years ago when I asked her what "gay" meant, yes I was a sheltered fifth grader). And two years ago when I tried to tell my sister that I was questioning, she just laughed and promised me that I couldn't be gay. I don't even think about it much anymore, it's just another part of who I am, but I can't share it and I'm not even exactly sure because I don't have the life experience. And I really don't feel like "educating" my family. It would be so much easier if I liked more guys, and if I could just get a boyfriend and stop thinking that certain girls are hot. Not that I really wish that, but it would just make things so much easier.

I really really really want to go back to Europe. I know that I'll be going into college the summer my troop will be going there. I know I'll have tons of expenses to take care of, many of which I will to have to rely on my parents, grandparents, and aunt to help me cover (sending someone to college is a family project for us). It won't help that my sister and I will both be in college at the same time. I also know that I want the freedom to not have to have a job my senior year, even though I might want to get one eventually. And I don't want to blow all my savings to have nothing once I leave the house. But....

I really really really want to go. Each time I get an email reminding me that the deposit for Europe is due (this is the third or fourth time I think) I start hoping again. My parents said no the first time, but each time the issue comes up again... I have some money saved, and by making a reasonable guess at how much money I'm going to be able to save this summer, I know that I should have at least $1,400 by the end of summer. If I try to babysit more often...and if I work at camp next summer...and if I stop eating and start saving all my food money...I might lose twenty pounds AND be able to afford to pay my way on this trip. Of course, that would mean I'd have to get all new clothes, because my old ones wouldn't fit anymore if I lost that much weight, so it probably wouldn't be worth it.

Gah, I really really want to go, why do I have to be so practical?

Crappy day, bad mood. No clue why. Started thinking about middle school again. Only 200 or so more school days till I graduate; way too long.

crap...
Stina is moving. Or at least, her family is. If they can, that is. It's kinda complicated, but what it boils down to is that after high school, Stina will probably be in Minnesota. It doesn't look like she'll leave sooner than that; she can stay with her grandma for a year if the rest of her family leaves. But...she might not be here next year. I'm slightly freaked out.

yay
http://www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/05/17/mass.samesex.marriage/index.html
Gay people can marry in this country now! Sure, only in Massachusetts...right now. But at the very least it's a start. Now, if I could only get Brie to stop using "gay" as a negative adjective.

AP US History
I don't want to take the test tomorrow. I don't have much of a choice though. And I only really started studying today, although I did look through things before. I'm trying to remember stuff from September 2002, and I'm having some trouble, so I spent last night and all morning (between classes and such) studying the very beginning of everything. Jenna was laughing at me for having my book open to Chapter 2 ("Liz, you might want to study the American Revolution instead. "But at least *I'll* know that Balboa was the first explorer here!" and then Brie reminded me later that it was actually Columbus. Oops, I knew that, I swear. Though that probably explains why Jenna was laughing so hard). And it wasn't very nice of Larrissa H (not the same one I normally refer to) to tell me I was screwed for the AP just because I forgot the details of populism. I just needed to remember that it was related to the Grange, and I was good.
I really really don't want to take this test. It's going to be three hours and five minutes long! Three essays! Tons of hard multiple choice! Eeek! The only good thing is that Prom is Friday, so all the prom-goers get to leave after 6th period (and sixth period they have a prom meeting). Being that virtually all juniors and seniors are going, and being that I'm a junior...well...my English class is going to have three people. And since I have the test up to 5th period, I have nothing besides the AP to worry about.
Wow, I'm rambling, but I really really really do not want to take this test even though I'm sure it will be fine and not nearly as bad as I'm afraid it will be.

you know you spend too much time on the internet when...
Some random people in your English class start going "bother bother bother" in high pitched voices with English accents, and you actually understand why they're laughing. Hehe, it was actually pretty funny, even if I really don't like those people. It was also fun to hear Ms. Fox say that 8th period thinks my picture of a baby soldier (to go along with the Slaughterhouse-Five theme of my bulletin board) is disturbing, because that's actually what I was going for (and I'm not even being sarcastic to say I'm pleased). If it wasn't for stupid research papers, I might even really like English class.

i'm drowning
Or, at least it feels that way. I come to lunch today, before I can say much of anything, Preeti attacks me, I say something not nice back ("Shut the fuck up Preeti" yes I was mad). Stina wasn't in school today. She imed me last night to say her grandpa died. I felt and feel horrible. I go to school and feel worse. Idiot people. I'm not going to lunch tomorrow. I'm going to work on my English project instead. Stina's coming back tomorrow, and I feel bad that I'm leaving her, but I didn't know that when I made the plan and I really need to finish this project. I hope she's ok.

In funnier news, the fire alarm went off approximately five seconds after the final bell. Everyone rushed out of the school pell-mell (well, some people were pushed out by angry teachers) to stand outside in the rain or to sit wondering in a school bus. It's really funny, because there was no fire, D accidentally activated the fire alarm with her elbow. (I know this because D is on my bus.) She did tell the right people, and we don't think she'll get in trouble, and she was laughing (albeit in an embarrassed way), so it was cool. I got home twenty minutes late, but oh well. Brie did make me feel kinda better before she got off the bus by telling me that Preeti has no heart and it's not my fault. (Almost makes me feel smart for being so horribly paranoid...that must be a bad thing).

I don't know what's better: to tell people when I'm having problems with things (like last week, when I was falling apart), or to just keep it to myself. Because neither seems to work. I think the answer is to stop having problems with things...so not going to happen.