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kiwi
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2004 12 September :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: Marching band show
Hair
I LOVE my hair. I mean I love it soooo much that I would have an affair with my hair if I could. Yes I love my hair that much. It's long, silky, straight, black with purple stripes. I absolutely positivly love it. I feel like kissing it right now. Sure the smell of the conditioner I have in it at the moment gives me a headache but I want to just wrap myself in my hair and lay like that for quite a while. I also love the way my hair falls on my face and how it's cut. it's just a straight cut but when i bring it to the front it goes diagionally down my chest and it's beautiful. I SOOOOO love it. I was asking myself why I didn't jsut dye it with pruple the first time and I remembered I wasnted it to match my dress, but these colors, this length, and cut are very falttering. They take the emphasis off my face (with it's flaw) and just make me look stunning. It's fine and fun to run my fingers through. Thick and warm and covers my breasts if I have nothing on. And it's a suitable weapon. I love Love LOVE my hair!!!! I want it to be my lover ^___^. AHHH!!! It's mine!
Of course I didn't feel this way on friday and I complentate cutting it ALL off like shaving my head... adn I'm still complentating it. I mean it will probably make my face look longer, but it will be easier to wear my marching band hat, to wash, to dye, to cut off if I don't like it. And my hair grows fairly quickly, so it won't be really short forever. And maybe it will go wavy whcih would be cool to know. And how do i know I won't like it? And I won't want to keep my hair short for sometime. And it's not as If I will be mistaken for male, with my breasts adn hips. So that's not a worry. Hmmm... the only question is how much would I dislike it. And if I did decide I didn't like then I could find hats I like ^__^ and I could get into a whole hat faze. I would need cool winter hats because my hair keeps my head warm and without it I would really need hats. Good excuse Lalalala... sooo much to consider.
But for now I just want to sleep with my hair. And to love it and kiss it and brush it. Yes. I LOVE my hair.
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kiwi
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2004 11 September :: 9.10pm
:: Mood: sore
Ass
I've realized that I am VERY skilled at making an ass of myself. And what makes me so skilled at it is my ability to do it without trying. It's just totally natural for me to say the wrong thing, to butt in, to be young. Random things. But it seems that it's like a disease for me. Yes a disease. I have an ass making disease... That sounds really weird.
I refused to ahve examples though, because they annoy me. They do not particularlly embarss me, unlike my freudian slips, becasue I can get over them easily becase they are not intentional. I do tend to beat myself up over intentional, thought over things though... for like years.
At least I don't beat myself up over making an ass of myself, because then I'd be doing it constantly... evil mouth, maybe I could sew it up?
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kiwi
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2004 2 September :: 4.49pm
:: Mood: Lost
:: Music: FOCS
Vikimouse
You know like there are people who rereatedly hurt themselves and tehy can't seem to stop... well that's vikimouse for me. She makes these extremely hard games that need logic. Like she used to have a game called flatbottom. Well in this you had to go around and look at everything and try to pick up things and talk to people and get clues. Then you could use those to get farther in teh game and solve the mystery(which I never did) and that game basically consumed me. Like for real. And i was very upset when she got rid of it. Well she has a new game Viktoria Castle 2, a continuation of the first VC which I tried playing when I was very little... didn't work, I was horrible at it. Well now I'm playing it and I can't even get to the village! I mena I pass the pages repeatedly trying to find this fungus and I can't! AHHHH!!! And I know these games make me insane but I play of them anyway! What makes me do this ot myself? Do I really hat emyself that much? That i need to make myself feel stupid? Argh... Evill.... I'm going to go play some more... humph. I SHALL figure it out...
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kiwi
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2004 25 August :: 2.21pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: ramones/focs/duct tape/dude from union city blue
odd bed time rituals
Ok this sounds sooooooooo sick when I put it down in writing but is it really wrong to put yourself to sleep by having sexual fantasies? And why do most of my fantasies start with Johnny Depp doing something with Lily-Rose? That just makes it worse. And some how he always does something with her and we end up in some type of hotel room. And then from the waking to sleeping it crossed over and I had a dream of being some type of a counseler and being with most of the guys... in a lake. And there were some other ones stuck in there.
This feels sooo wrong... I am only 14. You know sometimes I jsut want to preform a home lobotomy. Cut of the front of the skull and scratch at my brain. oh yes I do.
OK let me explain that a bit more. I've already meantioned some of this to liz and she is pretty sure I'm not insane. Or at least not insane enough to hurt anyone else... or myself(sooo doubting the last part and I ahve good reason(whcih I tried to tell liz adn it didn't work... well)) But I talk to myself... alot. And sometimes it escalates to yelling. other times I jsut stop by by going "ok talking to myself again." But the times that I'm yelling at myself, I hate it. Most people don't notice it but it's not like I'm talkign to myself when I'm all alone any mroe it's in public. With tons of people for me to talk to. One day I decided the only way to stop it would be drugs, lots of alcohol, or to be murdered. Now I'm adding home lobotomy. But sometimes I think I might be this way from nail polish remover. Whcih i sniffed a couple of times. Never long enough to actaully get high. Just enough to make my... mind, nose, lungs, body tingle. I don't know which one. I can't remember it.
Oh and I realized I don't really have anythign I go home to do. Like some people are at school adn they're like, 'only so long till i can go home and play video games' or go shopping, or have sex or whatever the hell keeps them going. I don't have that. I mean reading isn't fufulling me now. Music never did, I haven't writen anything good lately. television is nothing new, I've lost a lot of good sites. My friends hardly ever talk to me on AIM. I don't love too many other things. I jsut do random things to ward boredom off. I don't really have much to live for, just to hope for something better. Which scares me, i need something that fufills me, or I don't know what I'll do.
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kiwi
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2004 12 July :: 8.01pm
:: Mood: pensive
:: Music: What else? FOCS
Revelations
I'm made alot of big relaizations lately.
1) Even though I'm 14 I could drop dead at any moment... I really should stop complaining and try to live the moment. Be who I want to be NOW! I was jsut hanging around and I almost choked on a hard candy. And right then I'm like... I could have died, even though I'm young.
2) Everyone in the planet is full of bullshit. It's just natural. It's how we protect ourselves, by being fake. Everyone I said, including me. We may justify it... but it's still there.
3) Goverment is bad, every president we ever have I will porbably hate, I should just get over it now.
4) Every form of government(democracy, anarchy, socialsim) is perfect, in theory. But as humans we are flawed and we will mess it up, everytime. There is no way to make government perfect. Because we suck.
5) Humans are not cool. It would have been better for the earth if we had never evolved. We are jsut a genetic mutation. (One good plague!)
6) Life sucks.... and when it gets good... that won't last.
7) Even though it sucks we should live it up.
8) We only live life twice, and I'm on my second time around. Time is precious, go with the flow.
9) Embarssement is only keeping you back. It is not useful. You should ignore it, totally. I mean really. I have never had embaressment save me or anything. Just keep me from doing what I think would be fun, like dancing.
10) I forgot what I was thinking... whatever so I pick up something else.
The only way to make a perfect world would be to die... everyone at the same time. Right now... GO!
11)Why would anyone what to live to be old? Wouldn't it be better to jsut raise children, see their children then die fairly young... like 65? Suicide at 65 sounds good to me.
12) Even though everyone is full of bullshit, you need ot be true to yourself(as in telling yourself what is actually happening(not being who you wnat to be(which is still important but not my point)))... I've been telling myself crap for a while. Still am... never could take the truth, from myself.
13) Nothing has a reason... I'm gonna die because I died, it was not my time, I wasn't called home, I died. Same for everyone (more crap)
14) Hate sucks... but it is needed, we don't know how to function without it. Humans cannot function without imperfection. Perfection makes us feel inferior, and we have a need to destory that which is superior to us.
OK so you might know this all already, but some of it was big for me... some was just like a review.
Shut up smart ass... I might be stupid, but I'm working on it!
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kiwi
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2004 4 July :: 4.58pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: ?? Radio
Camp
I loved it!!!! I wanna go back! Right now! Hehehehe or jsut go live with the head counseler... Bad Katie! hehehehehehehe.
But but there were pretty guys! And I won the duck tape award. I can't wait to go back next year.
Ohhhh Ahhhhh... I got to shoot a gun, and drive an arrow straight into a metal sided building! And Canoe... very random...
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kiwi
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2004 3 June :: 6.26pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: FOCS
Must not
I must remember that I can't murder random people! Garrrrrr people are such assholes... why are they all in my school! They guys journal I responeded to he is soo messed up. He said stuff like i'm not a prep cause i don't wear collared shirts(not true seen um myself), only girls can be blonde, adn that i was a 7th grader by what i wrote, he also said i must think i'm perfect. I commented on that, told him who i was, deleted my journal and started a new one.
I'm gonna get him field day...
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kiwi
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2004 2 June :: 9.58pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Dancing through Sunday-AFI
Jerkaholic
What the hell. Why are the majority of guys in my school jerks!!! I mean I try to be nice, or just tolerate them, but they jsut like acting like jerks! I mean i responded to one guys journal because I'd heard he had posted this question 'why do goths cutr themselves?' so I answered. Pointing out alot of the time it was very 'normal' people cutting, nto to use sterotypes in the future, why some goths are goth and such. Other questions he had asked in other comments he posted. But he was a jerk, and called me an idiot for using an oxymoron (in his second post i must add, god) and he also told me he didn't care and i had wasted my time. But he also said, 'thanks you must be a psychiatrist(sp?)' and i just know it was dripping with sarcasm because i know him. HE WAS AN ASSHOLE! I mean really, he asks a question then calls me an idiot for delibratly using an oxymoron. Adn this is not it! He does this all the time in school! Whenever we're in math I'll be talkign about something, sometimes not even releated to math. Adn he'll jsut butt in and say 'uh that's not right' he is so aggravting! What is with him!
Adn as for the others. In band we have a bunch of boys who ahve no pride for the work they put into anything. they don't play, the fool around, adn it brings down the whole preformance! DAMN THEM! I mean relaly, if they want to have low self respect, go right ahead but do it on your own time. Not in the time alloted for those who worked hard to shine! WHAT IS WITH THEM!!
And then there are these boys(and sometimes girls) who will walk in the hallways and run right into you, and not say anyhting, some girls will even say 'watch where you're going'. The most anything about that is you were walking straight and at an even pace and they are the ones who should be wlaking. At least I usually say sorry. And I also got a chair jammed into my knee walking out of a classroom. It was so jammed i had to squeeze sideways to get and and this guy is getting up without even looking around and slams his chair right into me, sure i was a little ways away, but it was annoying. I even said something sacastic about it and he ignored me!
I really think I'm getting bullied mroe adn more, and it's pissing me off. And for some reason i was really depressed at one point and was sitting at my locker and jsut said to my self 'I want to kill myself' or 'Kill me right now' or maybe 'I want to be dead right now' yeah the last one was it. And it was weird I was saying it. because usually I'm moderate, if not perky... I don't know... maybe life is just getting to me...
Oh adn I think I'm mentally ill, because i keep getting more and more deja vu, like everyday or every other day. And i'm having real problems distingiushing dreams from reality. Like REAL trouble. I'll sit aroudn adn remember a conversation i was having... and I'll think who was that with. And then I'll remeber no one was around at all recently. And whenever i was with someone we weren't watching tv. And i truthfully think it was real life... but it mgiht have been a dream and i really really can't tell. Like if my life depended on it I wouldn't be able to tell you which it was. And For all I know it was real... and i was talkign to myslef... and i responded out loud...
Yes I find myslef talking to myslef more and more...a dn hearing voices more and more... This is truly disturbing. Mix in my weird dreams and I'm starting to think I'm a nutcase...
On the brighterish side. I made a speech at the end of the Band concert. Thanking Ms. Barnosky for all she did. And sure i embarssed myself... jsut a little. But it was really good. I didn't pause. And my dad thought i might have been scripted, but i thought it all up right then and there! I'm proud!
So I'm annoyed, concerned, adn proud all at once...
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kiwi
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2004 17 May :: 1.05pm
:: Mood: murderous
I'M GONNA MURDER YOU!!
The following passage is the fictional death of Miranda. It's fictional... because she is actually alive... grrr
I never thought what iwas doing was going to cause any harm. I never thought anyone would pay attention. But I was wrong, quite wrong. Wrong enough to be brought down to the police station, and even now I'm awaiting my verdict.
It was lunch time, it seemed like it was going to be normal, fun, nice... We were joking about the regular junk. "Who here has screwed peter pan?" "I have!" "Well I've screwed other fictional characters"
Then it went downhill Miranda screamed out "Yeah you've screwed Mr. Smithy*." "NO!" Slap after slap landed on Miranda punishing her for what she said, her voice simply making sounds, friends watching without comprehension. "It was a joke!"
But it wasn't a joke for me. No... I've complentated murder for such things. I get up to throw things out, the whispers behind me "I'm going to murder you!" I yelled behind me.
I came back, everyone cooled down, ready to poke fun at me. I shoved my sandwich toward her... my peanut butter sandwich. "You idiot I'm allergic to peanut butter." Outwardly i continued to say sorry, but inwardly I seethed... I had gotten so close.
I once again went to throw something out. I hear the voices saying that joke once more."I'm gonna murder you!" I yell loudly enough for half the lunch room to hear. I can't wait to get her...
But i never planned on following through, at the most beating her up... but i never thought anything would happen...
The next day all was normal, everything peaceful, everything nice. Miranda still skirted away, and i took most chances to slap her...
But that night, tradgity hit. The town was confused, amazed... one of their own was murdered. Miranda was dead.
Lucky me, I had no alibi. I had told my parents I was going out running. I grabbed my backpack and went down to the park. Of course stupid me, I didn't want anyone to see me so I avoided most people. So that leaves me, the main suspect, with out an alibi and people seeing me near the residence of the deseaced.
And not to mention the witnesses who heard me threaten her in the middle of lunch. Lucky lucky me... well that explains why I'm here, but there's more to this story...
By the next day we all knew the details of the murder, it was quite ironic really... Miranda had two bite marks in her neck and she was drained of all blood. She always was a fanatic of vampires. Adn it was the day before her last day of school, which jsut happened to be the 13th.
But I didn't do it, and all my friends will back me up. I'd never do something like that.
But it went all downhill from there. I was dragged down to jail in the middle of school, letting everyone know I was a homocidal manic... which i'm not. Then my bail was set ridicoulously high and my parents couldn't bail me out. My court date was set for two months later... and I had to stay in a cell alone till then.
But worse was that we had no real evidence to prove i wasn't there. Only charecter witness, back up that i'm not the type of person to do these things, and me. It didn't look good...
And it wasn't... but hopefully the jury will believe me... that i didn't do it...
But I must say... i relish the fact she's dead...
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, heck the names have been changed to protect me.
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2004 14 May :: 11.40am
:: Mood: productive
:: Music: tech class
owww...
Well I'm in school, in tech class actually. I jsut played twinkle twinkle little star, by programing it into the computer and it took about 1 year. soooo hard
You know what I hate? I hate when i try to have an adult conversation with my father he treasts me like all the opinions i from by myself are... childish. And true I mgiht have a good point but he will feel compelled to give me an example of why i'm wrong, or maybe jsut an example that has nothing ot do wiht my point.
And it's horrible because i'm trying to convey something i found interesting, or a point i believe in, and just because i'm 14 he'll write it off most of the time. It's not fair. Other people who don't know me, who only know i'm younger than them will listen to me,and take my opinions for those of an adult, or at least as if i've thought them out.
He's my father, shouldn't he be supportive of me? Shouldn't he let me devolop my own thought pattern? Expolore what i want to? I mean, it's not lik i'm ever really wrong about most of the things i'm talking about, because they are totally opinions.
The worst part is, when i'm AGREEing with him, adn he still does that. He gives me an example and the way he tells me about the example it's like he thinks i have an opposing opinio.n. I was agreeing and he still treated me like iw as stupid and wrong. It makes me want to cry...
What i with that??
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kiwi
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2004 9 May :: 7.07pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: Minority- Green Day
Procrastination, such a lovely thing
I should be writing me science or social studies essay, but i don't want to. It's boring, hard and evil. Argh. And i don't wnat to work on my story, because liz wants me to make it less wordy... adn i think she's slightly mistaken in some of the cases. Like she's saying it's wordy when i'm trying to create a setting...
Anyway, i don't really feel like writing but i don't know what else to really do. Seeing as how bored i am. Hmmm
well i don't know i'm getting really made at A lately and I've felt this way before, that we were growing apart. I mean we hardly hang out anymore, we hardly get together or do anything together, we don't even talk that often. We even sit on opposite sides of the lunch table. Adn this has happened then we hang out for a day or something and i feel the friendship is sufficently patched... but i'm not sure if that is going to happen this time. I also feel like rose is sorta drifting too.
But my worst fear is, it's not them who is drifting away, but it's me, detaching myself from them. And i'm forgetting to call one of my VERY best friends K, and i NEVER used to forget to call. And i used to call her on my own, now my mom has to remind me...
Am i changing? Or is everyone else...
And some of the people i ahng out with now KA, SM, Kr i would never have hung out with in years past, now i'll delaying going into the dance with my other buds, to hang out in the park with them...
Is it bad to be changing though? I mean i'm always concerned when rose changes, mostly becasue when she started changing she also started cutting, not that we knew... Maybe that's why I am trying so hard not to change... because i associate the recent changes in one of my friends to destructive behavior...
I miss... ... ... i'm not quite sure...
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kiwi
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2004 2 May :: 5.58pm
:: Mood: on the edge
:: Music: julia-Cheap Suits
no idea
I want ot write in my journal... what happens to me. What happened in D.C. Stuff i found out.... but i can't. It would hurt my friends, it would hurt me. But i already hurt enough that i want to cry. If i could open up my soul... what would it look like? I think it would be a swirling mass of coloring being pulled down in a whirl pool.
Why do i want to be such a good friend. If i was a heartless bitch... I would be sane... DAMN IT!
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kiwi
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2004 18 April :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: mischievous
OHHHH!!!
Ok so some interesitng changes... obviously the colors are different... and my icon is gone! Getting ready for the change already. Now i just need to MAKE a new icon! Hahaha.
Anyway i sent in the money for fadingintoblue's and account and this one,a dn now i'm jsut waiting for him to get it.
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kiwi
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2004 12 April :: 7.59pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: Five o'clock Shadow
Story
Hahahaha. I'm horrible person. I am such a procrastinationer, it's sad.
That story i wanted to ahve done by x-mas. Still not done. In fact i need to get it to liz like tomorrow or the next day to get it edited and i still need to finish editing it.
And at the moment, I hate that story. I mean it really shows a younger me almost. I mean it's crazy but I've grown up since then. not by a lot, but by a sufficent amount.
It also doesn't help that i've been thinking of the fact that i don't own it for quite a while. So i have this feeling that i can't change it. That it has to stay that way adn all i can do is edit but not change anything drasticlly.
The sotry also makes me feel more and more obsessed. because i need to get his address so more and more people are starting to think I'm obsessed. GRRRR I"M NOT! true i was last year, but i'm not any more.
AND!!! I NEVER loved him. He was a neat person. A cool friend. But that was all. He also taught me. It was like what my brother would teach me. He would have these moments when he would enlighten you along with these piles of times he just listed off facts, or didn't tell you anything but had someone else do it. It was really weird. I mean his teaching was like my brother's and he sorta dressed like my brother(sometimes) and a lot of stuff connected him to my brother in my mind, ebcause sometimes they were so similar. So maybe subconsusial i started almost thinking of him as a brother.
I did. I mean the ways i got mad at him, then he was cool again. My mind made me think of him as some sort of weirdo brother.
Bad mind...
Maybe that's why people thought/think i love him. Because it's like loving a friend or a brother. he's cool to ahng out with, you try to keep in touch, but you can get mad at him without a need to feel sorry adn make up. Hmmmmmm
But the stories still evil.
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kiwi
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2004 9 April :: 7.24pm
:: Mood: enraged
:: Music: Five o'clock shadow
Betrayed!!!
Argh!! Why is it illegal to kill people!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grrrrrrrrrr I hate meg right now. I didn't mind it when she was going out with one of the biggest assholes in school but i draw the line here!!!!
Meg, my friend is going out with my crush! True she has no idea he's my crush, but that's not why I'm mad. If it was jsut that it would be understandable. No she made a point of telling us she didn't like him, adn she thought that whe they were 'together' last time she didn't like it.
LAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate her... true she doesn't know, and i'm not about to tell her now but i still hate her. I hate her mostly because i was wondering if they stil liked each other, adn i knew chris did. But i basked in the saftey of knowing she didn't like him back...
Well apperently she does!!!! I think she's a bitch... evil, person...
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