-:[.Lost.In.Neon.Rain.]:-

:: 2005 13 March :: 12.22pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Duncan Sheik - Little Hands

Rascal, PLEASE call me if you can read this!
It's not like a deadly emergency, but it would be nice.

:: 2005 11 March :: 6.09am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Duncan Sheik - Serena

I really hate journals. I thought the point was to talk about how you felt.
Everyone took that last comment in a different way than I meant it. I wasn't saying I have it harder than anyone. In fact, I'm pretty happy with High School right now. I've made more friends this year than I ever have in my life. I was just frustrated because it seems that some things that come so easy to some people is just this weird struggle for me. And that comes along with making new friends. Now I have to make decisions for myself- who I really want to be -which is sounding incredibly cheesy right now, but again that's what this journal is for. I hate being pulled between doing the right thing, and then doing another, which everyone says is fine. I don't know what kind of people I should hang out with or stay away from or if staying away from anyone is even necessary. I'm just sick of being a naive little girl that no one takes seriously at all. I feel so blind in high school. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life or if I'm doing this right. By posting that last entry, I wasn't asking if your life has been any harder than mine, because I'm sure it has been. I was just asking for a little support. I was just wondering if anyone could relate to feeling dumb and lost in high school. Which now that I am really thinking about this, sorry, yes, it was a stupid question. I was just venting.
I think I'll just close down this thing.

4 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light

:: 2005 9 March :: 6.15pm
:: Mood: not so good?
:: Music: The Killers - Mr. Brightside

Blaaah....

Dumb drama.
Dumb High School.
Dumb fifteenth year.
I'm tired of feeling stupid...........................ddddddjasdkfjasdkfj
Was growing up this hard for everyone?

LoupGarou

:: 2005 2 March :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: The Lady of Shalott - Loreena McKennit

Terminal

"Aoibhneas a bhí
Ach d'imigh sin
Sé lean tú
Do fhear chéile.
An grá mór i do shaoil
Treoraí sé mé.
Bígí liomsa i gcónaí
Lá 's oích'.

Ag caoineadh ar an uaigneas mór
Na deora, go brónach
'Na gcodladh ins an uaigh ghlas chiúin
Faoi shuaimhneas, go domhain."
~ Smaionte - Enya
---------------------------------------
"There was blissfulness
But that is gone
You followed
Your husband.
The great love in your lives
Will guide me.
Be with me always
Day and night.

Weeping due to the great loneliness
The tears, sorrowfully
Asleep in the quiet green grave
In a deep peace."

Well I finally got the nerve up to ask my mom about Justin's grandma. I'm not sure if I wrote about it in here, but I should probably explain. Justin is one of my sister's best friends, and his grandma and he are very close to our family. About a year ago or so, she was diagnosed with cancer, both lung and brain. She was getting weaker, despite my prayers every night and the prayers of the others that knew her.

To get to the point, I asked my mom in the car yesterday: "Is Mrs. Hough going to die?" My mom hesitated a bit and said: "..yes."
It didn't necessarily surprise me, I had expected it I guess. My mom was talking to Justin's dad on the phone a few weeks ago, and they were talking about it, and the way my mom's voice was and the things she was asking kind of confirmed it for me. I cried the first time I heard about how she was doing. My mom said she went to drop Justin off at his house and she was in bed because she had fallen down and couldn't walk properly. Mom said that as she was talking to her, her eyes started to tear up. I imagine, staring at this woman so frail in bed, I would have too.
She says there seems to be a sense of denial about what's going on. When Mom asked about how Justin was doing, she said that they just wanted things to remain "As normal as possible."
I forget what visit it was, but Mom said that she asked Mrs. Hough what the doctors said, and she responded: "Oh, they said that there weren't going to be any more tests. And that if I needed anything I should just call hospice."
Well, hospice is for people who are dying. People go over to their house to make them as comfortable as possible.

Justin never knew his mother. His grandmother was the only mom he ever knew. I wonder how it will affect him. To feel the rejection of his mother, who left after he was born and is now God-knows-where; all we know is that she isn't in contact with Justin or probably his father at all, and then to have this woman dying, the woman who took care of him all his life like his mother should have. He lost his grandfather a few years ago, and now she's going too.
He calls her "Noni" though i'm not sure if that's how you really spell it. I think it's the Italian name for Grandma. She's the type of woman who talked and talked and kept on talking. She was involved with Justin's school and was there every wednesday to pick him up. Now we pick him up on Wednesdays because one week Mom and my sister saw Justin sitting there almost an hour or so after school and Denise asked why and he said he was waiting for is grandma. Mom called and she said that she had fallen down and couldn't gather the strength to go pick up Justin.
When I was sick in the hospital with appendisitis (I ended up staying there for about a month because it got infected) she and Justin came to visit me and she gave me this teddy bear that sits on a shelf or a desk and if you press a button it sings. Whenever I'd see her she'd wave and say "Hi Jessica! How are you?" And I remember one time when my dad was late picking us up she sat in the parking lot in her car and waited around for him to come so that we would't have to go to daycare.
She had good morals and wanted Justin to go to the best schools possible and encouraged him to do well in school.
But I'm talking like she's gone already.

I guess I kind of thought about it yesterday when we were in drama class and Sara got called out by the scary attendence office lady. She walked out thinking she was in trouble. We continued our discussion about relationships with our family members and how you could build a character out of that when Sara can back in, face kind of blank but flushed. Someone spoke up and asked what happened, thinking she was in trouble. Sara responded: "I'm leaving at nine o'clock tomorrow morning to go to my grandmother's funeral." And she broke down crying.

It made me think of Justin's grandma, and then I started thinking about what would happen if I lost my grandma. I love my grandma as much as I love my closest friends and family. I want to spend more time with her. When I heard about her last stroke a while ago, I started crying because I was scared. I don't know what I would do if I lost her. I want her to see me get married. I want her to meet my kids so that she can smile and watch them and become a great-grandma.

A few weeks ago my sister and I spent the night at her house and my grandma and I sat there together and watched movies together and made fun of them and talked most of the night. There was a wedding on one of the movies we were watching and I said: "I want to get married when it's all pretty and cloudy like that. Ooh! In a castle in Ireland!" (yes, like Marilyn mentioned). She smiled and said "What would be very pretty. You have to invite me, okay? And if I can't be there I'll be there in spirit." I saw the saddness in her eyes, and it made me very sad too. I still tried to smile and nodded and said "Ok."

And I can't help but think that Justin's grandma won't get to see him get married, she won't get to meet his children and hug them and kiss them and tell them stories and smile at their childish innocence and laughter. She won't get to see him go off to college and become the successful person that I know he will be.
My family won't get to have those long conversations with her about politics and the problems in the school, and I won't get to hear her say "Hi Jessica! How are you?" as I see her while walking around the campus of my sister's school.
When she leaves, things will be different. I hope she knows how much people love her company. I hope she remembers all the things that made her happy in her life. I hope she knows that we will miss her. And when she leaves, we will all be very sad.

2 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light

:: 2005 28 February :: 6.15pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls - Broadway

I don't know how many guitar players there are on Woohu, but:

I'm really bored with the music I have. Even if you don't play, what song should I learn to play....?

LoupGarou

:: 2005 19 February :: 2.27pm
:: Mood: like a procrastinator
:: Music: A little less conversation - Elvis Presley

We are born innocent. Believe me, Adia, we are still innocent..
Howdy! Time to update, ne? yesh. So i will. There's a creepy advertisement above my buddy list for some "Paradise Galleries" dolls right now. They look like little people. And they scare me. Holy crap dude.
My dad stole my chair. I'm gonna take it back from him.

That's better. My parents are looking at a Disney timeshare thingy. But now they're looking at this Starwood thing. Agh I hope we will get Disney. But it looks like they are discouraged from that right now. This makes me sad.
I will listen to Disney fireworks songs now.

Wow, I'm realy a dork about this stuff. I don't care though. I only talk about it so much because I love it so much. I don't mean to annoy people. But I guess if you like something so much that you feel the desire to talk about it a lot you should be allowed to, no matter what people say. It's simply a passion after all, there's nothing wrong with liking it. AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! MUAHAHAHA! Marilyn, don't be afraid to talk about The Doors all you want, or baseball, or American Dreams, or The Notebook, okeedokie? Because I know I annoy you sometimes with my talk about Disney and stuff like that. I don't want you feeling bad about it though because that makes me feel bad about it lol.

Anyway, what is there to talk about? why do I talk to myself in my journal entries? It's kinda weird. Oo this music is all Irish and cool.

Eric doesn't like being called Periwinkle. So I'm going to call him that because I can and it's basically become a game to bother eachother.

That reminds me of something my friend told me. My friend Teryn has a buddy ol' pal and they go back and forth playing practical jokes on eachother. So for his birthday she got him a subscription to Cosmogirl, and then she finds out that for Christmas he got her a subscription to... Playboy.

Teehee fonny. Wonder how she's going to explain that to her parents.

I'm going to head off somewhere, so I guess this will be the end of my short entry of doom. ta ta!

:: 2005 19 February :: 12.25pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Elvis - A Little Less Conversation (stuck in my head)

WEEE! I have my Level I License!!! That means I can DRIVE!!!

My party was fun. I should have more get-togethers and stuff. I dunno if I like these journals anymore. Sorry if I don't update much.

:: 2005 16 February :: 3.45pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Seether & Amy Lee - Broken

Sorry to all the people in the musical. I didn't come today. I don't feel so good. And riding the bus home sounded fun... :) lol but yeah. I'll learn the dance. This is the only time I've missed. Mmm.. sleepy.

2 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light

:: 2005 14 February :: 12.46pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Sheryl Crow - There Goes The Neighborhood

Tomorrow's my birthday!!!!!

Oh and Swirl went really really well! :)

:: 2005 12 February :: 1.12pm
:: Mood: rushed
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls - All Eyes On Me

Today is Swirl. I hate not being organized.

:: 2005 10 February :: 9.07pm
:: Mood: naive
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls - Hate This Place

I started writing a big long paragraph of feelings...
sounded dumb.
I'm feeling really blind and naive.
and oblivious
This is scary. I hope everything is gonna turn out.

6 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light

:: 2005 5 February :: 9.16am
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: Lauryn Hill - I Remember

Wow. That was really fun.

:: 2005 3 February :: 8.33pm
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: Dashboard - Remember To Breathe

Mr. Hobbs: If you are good to the car...?

Class: The car will be good to you!

Mr. Hobbs: Speed kills, so...?

Shannon: Don't be a crackhead!

No, I didn't really say that but I started laughing cuz I thought Mr. Hobbs was really talking about the drug. So today was my last day of drivers training and we had the Segment I test and I passed with a 94%! Woot! And tomorrow is a Friday, but I have to drive, which is disappointing cuz I just want a day off. I'm going to the game and the dance. I hope some ppl are coming too, cuz i need a fun break! So yeah I'm going to Swirl with Josh! I'm really excited. Except for the fact that the Red Flannel Court has the same dress as me. But whatever. It will still be fun.
I hope this all works out okay.