:: 2004 17 January :: 1.10 pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes

Crush me

:: 2004 16 January :: 1.02 pm

You're the only one that can make my heart beat faster. And you don't even know it.

2 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2004 16 January :: 11.14 am

They remind me of two 12 year old Justin Timberlake fans. In other words they are annoying as hell.
I don't have a best friend anymore. It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

One thing I want to happen is I want to learn how to play guitar. I can see it in my mind. Exactly how I want it to be. I want one other person in the band. Our first show, we're both sitting on some old stools inside an old bar .We play in a small room full of people, dim lights, as we sit there and play some romantic rifts on an acoustic guitar and our voices combine to create a soft sound.

Crush me

:: 2004 16 January :: 6.25 am

Fuck you.
It's funny how some friends are. How they totally lie and talk behind your back more than your worst enemy. Funny how that works out.

I need to move on. To stop feeling trapped. Just because I have known someone longer does not mean they are a better friend.

Life is good. Not a thing is wrong with my life. Yeah, I have a few fights here and there. A few people talking behind my back. Some liars. School. It could be about a million times worse.

I guess the drama adds to life, right? I'm not gonna think negatively anymore. I don't know what tomorrow brings, all i know is I'm happy to be here.

Crush me

:: 2004 15 January :: 4.43 pm

It's ok. I had subway.
So life is a game. I'm losing. Then again I'm not. It could be worse, though it isn't even bad right now. I just want some things. I feel like a failure. I wake up. Get ready. Go to school, talk to friends, sleep in class, don't even try to learn, go home, get online..to talk to friends. It's stupid. What kind of life is that? A normal one. But I don't want a normal life. I want something exciting. A man sure the hell would help. I could feel again. Feel the pain, love, nervousness. At least I'd be feeling something. I need a reason to cry. I need a reason to smile.

It doesn't matter.

I don't change anyones life. If i didn't exist I bet everyone I have met would be the same or better. In a crowd I wouldn't stand out. I may be the last one looked at. Then again you may be the last one looked at. No one matters. They just exist. Walking around in life..just existing..not changing anything.

But that's normal. No one matters. I just need some excitement. Something new.

I'm not trying to get attention or complain. It's just true. It's what I really think. No more hiding behind my weekend stories or humor. This is me. Like it or hate it. Your choice.

You're just a piece of the puzzle..so I think you better find your place-Bright Eyes

2 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2004 15 January :: 11.51 am

I should be the mature one. I should just start talking again. Or stand there and wait. But there's this feeling of me wanting to win. He always wins. So why let him win again? I should grow up and suck it up.

I'm gonna offer a hug. Let's see what happens.

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2004 14 January :: 4.01 pm

Hate is defined as: Hate is the generic word, and implies that one is inflamed with extreme dislike. We abhor what is deeply repugnant to our sensibilities or feelings. We detest what contradicts so utterly our principles and moral sentiments that we feel bound to lift up our voice against it. What we abominate does equal violence to our moral and religious sentiments. What we loathe is offensive to our own nature, and excites unmingled disgust.

Makes me think twice about using this word. Maybe I don't hate people when I say it. I guess the jealousy comes in when I don't get what I want. Maybe what I want I am not supposed to have. Or I just dont need it. I need to start maturing more. I don't hate anyone..I need to accept how things are.

Crush me

:: 2004 14 January :: 3.37 pm

Religion: I have my doubts. I'm not sure what to believe. I want to believe in God. But, I can't make myself. People get upset with me, and I get upset with myself. But, I can't force myself to believe in it. It's like I need proof. Proof I can't get. So I'm hoping I believe in it before it's too late or what if I do believe in it..i die..and it turns out not to be true?

I would just be dead. My life would be gone. No more breathing. No more feeling. Just dead.

It's crazy to believe when you die there's another life isn't it? What would be the purpose of dying/living if you just have another life that is a million times better? How can everyone in the entire world still be alive in heaven? I don't believe it and the more I think about it the more I think it's a bunch of shit.

It scares me. A lot.

Crush me

:: 2004 13 January :: 8.52 pm

All I can feel is my heart beating.
It seems this week is my week to wonder and worry about everything this world has to offer. People. They discust me. My friends, some of them I am ashamed to know. Why is this world run on anger? Give yourself a few minutes to think about it and cool down before you be a complete fool. I hate what I'm seeing. Finally. It's like there was this sheet pulled over everyone and it has been pulled off and I'm seeing the real thing. It scares me. And I can't change it.

I have had lumps in my throat aused by you. I love you. But, right now I can't stand you.

Why do people complain about shit? 'I haven't had sex in a week, I'm single, I'm tired' everyone goes through that shit. Life doesn't suck. Be thankful to be alive. Soak everything in. Learn, because complaining about stuff that everyone goes though is shit. Complete shit.

I think I'm slowly maturing and I don't like it. I want to be a kid again. Back when this didn't matter.

This all may seem like complaints. It's not. It's just thoughts.

Crush me

:: 2004 13 January :: 8.12 pm
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional-Standard Lines

Crush me