KinkyRose1212
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2008 25 December :: 5.05am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: ATB-Don't Stop
Oh God....just.....oh God
There's this place in my head that I'm going to, and it's just fucking bad. Everything looks like I'm tripping, and I'm definitely not. I really feel like I'm on Robotussin right now. Thank God I'm not. Anyway, in the place in my head, Corey is still alive. He and I are still holding each other, kissing each other, loving each other. I'm literally going insane. For real. I realize now that all the times I was on drugs and I wanted to go to Florida, it's not really Florida I wanted to go to. It's this place in my head where absolutely nothing is wrong. In that place, Corey and I are in Florida together. We hang out with Robert Smith sometimes. Christ. I need sleep. And professional help. This fucking sucks.
Burned Out
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KinkyRose1212
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2008 22 December :: 12.44pm
:: Mood: blank
Oh....my.....God.....
Corey Hafford.......I love him SO fucking much........dead..........October 22, 1989--December 21, 2008. 19 years old.
Burned Out
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kinkyrose1212
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2006 26 June :: 8.21am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Coldplay-Viva la Vida
I went for a walk around the block to buy cigarettes, and at one point, it occurred to me how alone I am. I mean, it's not like I don't have friends, but I don't see them enough. I'm almost glad enough not to have a boyfriend, but I still really want one. But I have a feeling that I won't get one until I learn how to be okay by myself. And that's hard to do when you are surrounded by guys that you'd like to be with, who would be with you (maybe) if they weren't leaving for the navy/ already sort of with someone or if they weren't five years younger than you. Or 24 years older than you. I need to find someone right in the middle. I know one person who I would like to go out with, but I don't think he feels that way about me, and besides that, I don't feel like I'm worthy. But he's not a god, either. We're all just human. And damn it, I am JUST AS GOOD as everybody else! But when I'm around guys, I turn into this little, pathetic person who can't think for herself. I hate that. AND I FUCKING WISH MYSPACE WAS WORKING!!! OR AIM, GOD DAMN IT!!! I wouldn't even be typing this right now if they were working. I'm trying to decide if I dare to call Ryan or not. He hasn't called me since I sent him that MySpace message saying that I was scared to call him, so probably he thinks we should give it a rest for now, too. It's like, I know that I can do better than the idiots I hang around with, but since they're the only exposure I have to guys right now, and since I like them, and since they seem to like me, too, I just think, why not? But now I am realizing the answer. I'll tell you exactly why not, and I'm not trying to sound conceited, it's just that I never feel good about myself. The reason is that I am fucking amazing and they could never give me what I need. Well, Ryan could, but he's too young, so he doesn't count. I must find the mystery man who can make my dreams come true. ~sigh~ Life never really gets any easier, does it? It's just one long upward climb and the only time you get to kind of relax is when you're too old to do anything. This sucks. It's really depressing. But hey, now at least I know why people have substance abuse problems. That's not the only reason, but it's like, my problem isn't any drug in particular. I'm not addicted to cough pills, pot, lsd, shrooms, cocaine, heroine, or alcohol. I'm addicted to feeling something different than the normal every day bullshit. That's what it is. I really may go to Narcotics Anonymous. Maybe I could find a new boyfriend there. And I am 100% serious when I say that.
Burned Out
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kinkyrose1212
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2008 12 December :: 2.07pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: Coldplay- Viva la Vida
Winter
Last night was all ice rain and tree limbs freezing and falling off. It's pretty cool, but I kept waking up last night and it was pretty scary hearing " crack, crack.....BOOM! " I was like, Oh, God, there goes my house. But everything's fine, obviously, and it's pretty cool looking up and down the street and seeing all the ice and branches. I miss Ryan. I don't want to call him, though, because I'm not sure how his mother would handle that if she found out. She'd probably kill me. Maybe he'll call me sometime, but if not, oh well. It's just one more person I've lost that I'll have to get over. In other news, I was looking at Steve's new girlfriend's MySpace profile, and not only is she ugly as fuck, but she seems like she might be as big of a loser as he is. Maybe they will be together for a long time, have a wedding, and have the world's ugliest children. But more likely, she'll wake up one day like I did and be like, UGH! Even though I'm an ugly piece of shit, even I can do better than him! I really miss Steve. A LOT. But the only way I can see him is if I want to sacrifice MY life, and I'm not willing to do that, so I will just have to wait until I meet someone better. Someone better that I can actually be with without worrying about being arrested, I mean. And someone better who is a whole lot better, and not just better sometimes when it's convenient. I need to make a list of what I want/need in a guy.
Burned Out
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kinkyrose1212
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2008 10 November :: 2.53pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: The Cars- It's All I Can Do
People, places, and things
Over the weekend, I hung out with Steve and this kid Ryan. He's only 15, but he seems like he's my age. We all took cough pills together Saturday and Sunday night, but it really didn't do anything for me, so I really am done with that shit, and thank God for it. Besides the fact that it's disgusting, there are better drugs out there when they're needed, and all the rest of the time, there's real, clean life, which is enough to give anyone a fucking mind trip. Anyway, I have a crush on Ryan, which I know is fucked up, but whatever. We probably would have had sex this weekend, but Steve was sort of in the way of that, which I don't really mind too much because I might have regretted it BIG TIME (even though I sincerely doubt that I would have regretted it). So maybe he and I will hang out alone some time, and maybe not. Who knows? Anyway, today I went for a walk and I ended up going the way of my old route and I spent some time at the Park. I was just swinging and listening to my music when all of a sudden it occurred to me; I was doing the EXACT same thing that I was doing FIVE YEARS ago. And then I started thinking about how since then, I had kind of gotten everything I wanted. Not everything, but a lot of things. A guy who wants to marry me and start a family with me, an older man who actually does want to sleep with me, and I've sort of become the person I've always wanted to be. And I started thinking about where getting all of these things had gotten me. NO WHERE!!! I ended up in a worse position than I ever had been before! So when they say be careful what you wish for, I guess they mean it. There's still one thing from high school that I REALLY REALLY want that I will never in a million years lay my hands on, but I'm sort of FINALLY coming to terms with that. It sucks, but what can I do? I guess that no matter how much I didn't want to believe it in my childish teenage stupor, he and I really never would have made sense as a couple. I think now we might, or we would make really good friends because I would totally poke fun at him and kick his ass (in a nice way) all the time, but some things just never will be, and everyone has to accept that. Anyhow, it was ironic that I realized all this while I was listening to the Cars song " It's All I Can Do " because one of the lines is " And once in a moment/ it all comes to you/ As soon as you get it/ You want something new " and that is TOTALLY how I was feeling. And there's another line from that song that I would like to dedicate to every man I have ever loved/ been infatuated with whatever the circumstances and that line is " When I was crazy/ I thought you were great. "
Burned Out
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kinkyrose1212
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2008 27 October :: 3.36am
:: Mood: drunk
:: Music: Nuthin'....people sleepin'
God damn it!
I know this sounds childish but NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR!!! I want to sleep with Steve's brother, and I think he wants to sleep with me, too, but I don't see any way it could happen unless Steve wasn't here or if he fell asleep or something. Steve has told me that he doesn't care what I do, just to please not sleep with his brother. But HOW TEMPTING IS THAT!?! First of all, since he told me not to, I TOTALLY want to, and second of all, how awesome would it be if I fucked a guy AND his brother!?! He's here till Tuesday, and then it's back to Florida :(. We were snuggling a bit earlier, which was nice. Ah well. We shall see we shall wee. But I'm tellin' ya'; whoever's had the chance to sleep with me and passed it up (especially older guys HINT HINT), totally does NOT know what they're missing!
2 Candles |
Burned Out
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kinkyrose1212
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2008 18 October :: 2.40pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: All kinds of beautiful, calming things
Finally, life is going.....somewhere....?
Well, SO much fucked up shit has happened over the past few months. I don't even know where the fuck to begin. Well, right now, at this present moment (which could, of course, change as earlier as the next five minutes), life is actually sort of how I've always wanted it to be. Well, not really, but I am finally in a place where I can be happy about it if I want to or be depressed about it if I want to. I finally broke away from Steven, which is good except I feel really bad because he's a REALLY sweet guy and I know he loves me a lot. I love him a lot, too, but it just won't work right now. I also found out that I have bipolar disorder, so woot to that! I don't have a boyfriend anymore right now, but my God, I do NOT want a boyfriend right now. I have my Man Candy (friends with benefits), and that's all I need right now. The main person I fuck wouldn't be that great of a boyfriend anyway. I love him to death, don't get me wrong, and I would marry him in a heartbeat, but that's more for a constant companionship than anything else. I don't even WANT to get married. At least not at the moment. I do want to have kids, though. That's the most important thing to me. I don't give a fuck if I have a husband. As much as I love my boys and men in general, they are SO much more trouble than they're worth. ALL OF THEM!!! I mean, there is one I would actually marry for love, one I would marry for infatuation (Robert Smith from the Cure, who is the most beautiful man alive!), and the rest, I'll just fuck for fun. Or ignore completely. Jesus. I don't think I will ever understand life, love, or men, but whatever. As long as things are interesting, they don't even necessarily have to be fun. I think I'm growing up. It sucks and makes me a bit sick, but hey, at least I'm not a fucking teenager anymore. I really miss it. I mean, I never thought I would because I wanted to kill myself the whole time, but guess what? Now I'm twenty, a lot different(ish), and I STILL want to kill myself! Oh well. Life carries on no matter how much you don't want it to, so you might as well accept the fact that it sucks, move on, and just have as much fun as you can. I guess.
Burned Out
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kinkyrose1212
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2008 22 July :: 12.29am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: The Cure- Sugar Girl
I should form a band called " The Disease "
Anyhow, I am back again for what probably appears as more bitching and whining, but is really my feeble attempt at self-expression. As with any journal entry I try to write these days, I never know where to begin. Well, for a while I've been in this God-awful funk that I can't seem to get out of no matter what I do. Everything in life (including the words I am writing right now) seems so fucking pointless. I was reading my psychology book from Quinsigamond (~laughs bitterly~), and I read a section about what's called the " Crisis of Question " which is a stage that people go through while developing. It said that during this stage, people frequently ask " Is this it? Is this what life is about?...........Seriously? " They begin to doubt their position in life, become dissatisfied in their marriages, and kill themselves. Well, suicide isn't really a part of it, but I thought I'd throw it in for dramatic effect. They may make career changes, pursue different hobbies, and test out different lifestyles to see if there is one that can make them feel like life isn't a waste of time, as the lifestyle they're living used to do. That is exactly what I am experiencing right now. Minus the career change because I don't have one, and changing the word " marriage " to " relationship. " It's not that I'm not happy with Steve, it's just that my love life seems like every other fucking thing does; pointless, gray, and dull. Anyway, the weird thing about me going through the " Crisis of Question " stage is that it doesn't usually hit until people are in their late thirties and early forties. I keep reminding myself of things that generally make people excited to be alive, but even those things I once dreamed of (having children, for example) just seem.....muted, in a way. I just don't care anymore. What's the point? I don't even feel much anymore. Well, that's not exactly true, but I don't get excited and I never get an adrenaline rush from anything anymore. One of the things I've realized is that I didn't really start feeling like this until I stopped doing drugs. I still get high once in a while, but not anywhere near as much as I used to. Which is good, but at the same time, it really sucks. I think that part of the reason nothing seems as good as it used to is that everything seemed so much better on drugs. I keep trying to tell myself that the longer I stay away from them, the better things will seem, but the fact that it's been months and nothing's changed kind of discourages me from actually pursuing that. It's like, I won't be feeling anything, I'll smoke pot or something, and then I'll feel great, but as soon as it wears off, I'm right back where I was and nothing seems worth anything anymore. I'm missing out on those natural highs where something exciting happens and I get an adrenaline rush. Life is like one big anticlimactic event after another. I'm afraid it'll stay like this. I don't want to fucking live like this. It doesn't help that ever since I finally left high school, the place I so despised while I was there, I've been wanting to go back. It was such an amazing safety bubble. It didn't prepare me for the real world at all. In that bubble, you can fuck up as many times as possible, and there's always something to fall back on. In the real world, a phrase I finally understand, if you fuck up, then that's it. You fucked up, and you're on your own to do what needs to be done to fix things. Know one knows how truly lucky they are to be there until they're out. It sucks. I really can't figure out how to begin my next subject. Let me start out by saying, I know someone who has a crush on someone who it is literally impossible to be with. This person gets upset because he/she feels it's pathetic. Well, if that person happens to read this, I have a message. You may think that's pathetic, but consider this.....well, hang on. Like you, I don't mention this to ANYONE anymore (and mean anyone- not Steve, not anyone who was around me while I was going through it before, and not even my therapist), because what more is there to say about it, and as far as " accomplishing " it goes, I'm as fucked as I ever was, if not more, and for the fact that although I think about it often, I'd rather not drag it to the fucking surface bringing with it an inevitable tornado of emotion that will surely push me towards suicide (again). Now that I am writing about it, I am starting to cry because....well, considering who you are, you'll understand why, and I needn't waste my time searching for an explanation. How pathetic/bad is it that even now, two years later, I still think about the person I was in love with for three years in high school? And not just in casual passing thought every once in a while, either. Just back then, it is many times a day every single fucking day. I don't want to say I haven't given up hope.....well, alright, I'll admit that I haven't, but I still have enough sense not to pursue it more than I already did because I'm sure the result would be frighteningly similar to those in the movie " The Crush. " You know; the one with Alicia Silverstone and Cary Elwes? But anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the place your heart takes you that makes you say, " Wow! Maybe suicide really IS a good idea!?! " Well, maybe you don't feel that way, and it's only through denial and surpression that I don't feel that way, but I know that thought is in my head somewhere. Anyway, that's all for right now. Peace.
Burned Out
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KinkyRose1212
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2008 30 April :: 1.47am
:: Mood: apathetic
Meh
Well, I am back again. Things are going alright. I've been with the same guy for almost a year and a half now, so I guess that's good. I'm attending cosmetology school, and I definitely cannot screw that up (or I'll be lynched), so I guess that's good, too. I'm still on anti-depressants, and every now and again I still break down and cut myself. From January to March I did drugs a lot and disappeared from my job without a trace (except for friends who works there saying I was having a hard time). I still find myself waiting and waiting for something, and I may have actually figured out what it is. I am waiting to be living on my own, married, possibly with kids, but that doesn't matter so much in this case, and to know what I am doing with my life. That would be nice. I still REALLY want a baby NOW, but what can I do? That would be pretty bad considering I don't even have a job, but I'm working on that. My boyfriend has court tomorrow, so that's joyous. On May 12, I am going to see The Cure live, and I am wicked excited about that! I just can't figure out who I'm bringing. I could bring Lisa, and that would no doubt be fun, but I kind of want to bring someone as into The Cure as I am. I was going to bring one of my other friends, but he's kind of an asshole, so fuck it. I don't really want to bring my boyfriend because even though I told him if I brought him I wasn't paying for anything of his, I know that he would be bitching and whining the whole time if he got hungry or thirsty, which of course he would. So who knows? I also want to bring this guy I used to work with, but he hasn't called me either, and he might be in New York that day, anyway. Oh well. Life carries on even when you don't want it to, so there's no real point in bitching is there? Other than the fact that it's fun, of course. I still do all the same shit I always did. I write in my journal, read, and watch movies. Music is still the key to my life. I still find myself thinking about the same old people. Sometimes with the same exact thoughts, actually. But oh well. Anyway, off to watch a movie now. Goodnight.
Burned Out
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kinkyrose1212
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2007 25 October :: 9.24am
:: Mood: annoyed
Sons of bitch
I hate college SO much. I keep trying to convince myself that this is a great oppurtunity that I am wasting, which is actually true. But it just won't motivate me. This is such bullshit. I shouldn't have to come here if I don't want to. I'm mainly just doing it for my parents...and health insurance, but as my therapist said, there are ways around that. God damn it. I wish I could just come to English and write poems and stories the whole time, and get credit for doing that. But whatever. I hope I didn't miss my math midterm. I'll make it up if I did.
Burned Out
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kinkyrose1212
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2007 16 October :: 10.55am
:: Mood: apathetic
SO sleepy!
I am SO tired and I'm stuck here at school for another hour and fifteen minutes. At least I came today, though. That's definitely a start. And I did some math homework last night, and I did my work in English class and I'm going to do my English homework as soon as I get home. At least, I'm going to do some of it. There's not much written, and I could give a shit less about the reading, but whatever.
Burned Out
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kinkyrose1212
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2007 24 September :: 1.21am
:: Mood: anxious
Fuck
I am so fucking stressed right now. I think it's the little things built up. The things people have said about me behind my back, the things I should do but haven't done. The pressure. Music is everything to me, as is Steven, but tonight I don't have either one. A friend came over, and it was really nice to talk to a friend for a change, especially at my house. But then by the time I got in, Steven had signed off of AIM so I didn't get to talk to him, my friend was chain-smoking when I haven't had a cigarette in about three and a half weeks, and I'm sick, so I don't feel like quitting smoking has a changed a god damn thing. I fucking hate college, I really need to hear one certain song but I can't fucking find it on line, and I can't get any program to download music on because my dad would kill me, and I really want to fucking cut. Not to mention my bathroom is missing it's toilet, the sink has no support under it, and I don't even know if I can take a shower. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I really might cut. And my fucking therapist went on vacation and I can't see her until October 15. And there's homework I haven't done, and all this other shit building up inside my head, and I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT!!! Steve said he'd rather have me smoke than cut, but I know smoking won't do shit because I already have the nicotine in my system. I wonder if, since smoking was kind of like my substitute for cutting, is I will start cutting again because I'm not fucking smoking and ever since I fucking stopped smoking I've been losing my fucking mind and I don't physically see things the same anymore and I don't figuratively see things the same anymore and I just can't fucking do this. I want to move very far away, and then die.
Burned Out
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kinkyrose1212
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2007 4 September :: 1.27pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Primitive Radio Gods
A Piece Of My Hand Written Journal
I got back from a walk about twenty minutes ago. They say walking clears the mind, but it made my head spin more than ever. I was doing a little cleaning before that. I ripped up all of my tenth, eleventh, and twelfth grade erotica stories and used them as confetti. It was very fun and it made me feel better about hating my past life. I found my journalism folder, and I was going to look through it one last time before throwing it away, but then I got all sentimental and shit. So on my walk I was thinking that when I got home, I would just throw it away without opening it. But then I thought of how much more fun it would be to douse the thing is gasoline and light it on fire. Oh, the symbolism.
2 Candles |
Burned Out
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kinkyrose1212
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2007 15 August :: 10.43am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: The annoying sounds of Steve's sister's voice
Fuck This
I am thinking I would rather kill myself than be here right now. Steve is going on a tour of Project Coffee in Oxford right now, so I'm stuck in the computer lab with his fucking sister who's been an annoying bitch all the way down here. Not that she can necessarily help it; that's how she is normally. If she's bitching at her parents over something stupid, she expects us to be all loving and comforting. But the fact is, no, she doesn't deserve it. Her mom took away her TV because she wasn't listening and she kept swearing at her, and of course, she thinks, as all young people do, that it's all her mom's fault and her parents are horrible for actually disciplining her instead of letting her get away with whatever she wants. I hate her muchly. She can be nice sometimes, but mostly she's just annoying. I can't wait till Steve and I get our own apartment so we can both be away from her. God damn it. Not to mention I'm pissed about a bunch of other stuff, too, but whatever.
Burned Out
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xxinterrupted
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2007 9 May :: 8.01pm
:: Mood: bored
New myspace.
clicky here to add me!
Burned Out
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