Alone

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Alone

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:: 2004 3 September :: 12.49pm
:: Mood: stressed

right now i'm in 6th period study hall.. blah, it's been a long day. i didn't go to school yesterday, and i wasn't going to go today- but at the last minute this morning i changed my mind and went.

i'm going over jims house tonight; i can't wait to get out of the hell hole of a house. i hate it there, and i hate watching my little sisters. god i almost had a break down last night and almost killed anna. [jim, you know what i'm talking about.] i can't handle all this anymore, it's to much stress. i've been a wreck the past couple of days.

our periods are shortened today because we have homeroom/activity period.. so that's cool. i can't wait to go home and go to jims house. i miss him.

:(

2 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2004 2 September :: 8.59pm
:: Mood: content

Bored?

�	�	�	�	�
Why not pretend that you're going to kill yourself?
Support?

:: 2004 1 September :: 9.39pm
:: Mood: bored

haha, the funny things i find.
when i bite into a york peppermint patty, i feel the cool rush of skiing in the alps, skating in alaska, or bobsleeding in lake pacid! but while i'm enjoying my york peppermint patty, the rush makes me oblivious to the chocolate melting in my hands.

the chocolate gets on my keyboard, my mouse, my desk, and every to every other spot to which chocolate can stick.. and when i go to throw away my york peppermint patty, i trip over a shoe because im to bussy looking for a paper towel. i fall over and hit my head on the corner of my desk, cutting it deeply. the sight of my own blood causes me to regurgitate my york peppermint patty. getting up and runing to the phone to call 911, i slip on vmy own vomit, fall down again, and break my neck.

and so my warning to all: dont smoke pot before eating a york peppermint patty.

3 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2004 31 August :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: exhausted

right now i'm just sitting here with jim.. he's playing playstation.

i got picked up from school at 11:30 today. i had a doctors apointment.. i gained 4 pounds.. i weigh 164. everything looks okay, babys heart beat is strong. jim & my mom went with me.

i fell asleep in class again today, i need to start going to sleep earlier.. 10:00 is to late i guess. blah- the baby kicks and keeps me up all night. the doctor said if i could make it through the next 2 weeks of school that he could write me an excuse for the rest off til i have the baby.. then i could go back in 6-8 weeks. but i don't think i'm going to do that.

blah, i'm so tired- time for bed.

<3

:: 2004 29 August :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: taking back sunday - a decade under the influence

i woke up at 9:00.. i went up my aunts and helped her get food ready for my baby shower.. by the time we were all done with everything it was almost noon.. and we had to leave by 12:30 to start setting up and everything for the shower.

people started getting there around 1:30. everyone except 2 people from jims family that we invited came.. i was so glad! almost all my family that we invited came to. i was so happy that people actually came. i stressed myself out for nothing.. [you were right kristen! lol]

we got so much stuff! a lot of the big things on my regestry were bought for me like my swing, highchair, palyard, and exersaucer. we got so many outfits and blankets, and everything. when we brought everything home i didn't have enough room in my room so we had to fill my living room up.. ahh. i don't know what i'm going to do with all the things!

jim came to, his mom had to leave early for work so he video taped the whole thing.

i'm still so happy about the turn out. we got so many things that we needed.

anyways, jim came back to my house with me for a couple hours, we went swimming and went through some of the things that we got. he's coming back over tomorrow.

13 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2004 28 August :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: nervous

omgosh, my baby shower is tomorrow at 2:00.. i'm so nervous. today my aunt loraine, aunt di, kelly and i went to set up for it.

what if no one comes?

i keep sitting here and thinking about it, i've been stressing myself out about it for a week or so now.. god i can't believe how scared i am.

5 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2004 25 August :: 5.58pm
:: Mood: tired

first day of school today for me.
i'm trying everything in my power to stay occupied so i don't fall asleep. going to school today made me so tired, but i don't want to take a nap because i won't sleep tonight.

all my classes are great. i have a super schedual, i love it. my first 3 classes are upstairs, then the rest are downstairs. i only have books for 3 of my classes, one of which i won't even need for half the year; so that kicks ass.

everyone was telling me about how i looked great and how well i was doing. everyone thought i was only like 4-5 months; i was like "no.. i'm due september 28" everyone was like "whoa, you look SO little!" it got old after a while.

in my 5th pd. fitness class this ariel and erin [freshmen] kept sayin' shit. first ariel pulled my hair so i turned around and told her not to pull my hair.. she denied it and everything i said something else, turned around and they started giggling. then a little bit later the same girl put her foot under my butt a little bit so when i sat back i would sit on the tip of it. and when i did she was like "you sat on my foot!" i was gettin' so pissed off by then so i turned around and yelled "well maybe you shouldn't have put it under my ass; then there wouldn't be a problem!" and we aregued for a minute.. being that she did both of these things while mitch [our gym teacher] was talking was rude. then a few moments after that she was like touching me with papers all over the back so i turned around and i swear to god i had to hold myself back from like hitting her in the face and i said something to her and turned back around. after that she was talking to he friends and mitch got really pissed off. she started yelling at them, i had to laugh cause she'll kick the shit outta them if they don't straighten up. haha, i can't wait.. anyways; after mitch was done explaining everything about the class i asked her about how i was going to make my gym classes up after i had the baby- and she told me to come down and let her see my schedual. when i was going back to my seat ariel was like "hey, come here" and i was just like "what do you want?" and she appoligized to me and said that she didn't know that i was pregnant. --i mean what does me being pregnant have to do with anything? i don't know. i find it kinda funny.

i saw jims cousin racheal today! i forgot she was coming to this school this year, she went to trinity before. she said she was suprised to see me because jim told her that i wasn't going back to school and just getting home schooled.. what a dork he is. i only have lunch with her; and that sucks.. but i'm glad i at least have one period with her.. she's really cool.

i'm really excited about my baby shower.. it's this sunday! i can't wait. but i'm really nervous- i keep thinking no ones going to show up; that scares me so much.

5 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2004 24 August :: 3.43pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: matchbox romance - promise

..i try.

but i don't think just trying is good enough anymore.

..i really don't think that i should be here anymore.

5 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2004 23 August :: 11.54pm
:: Mood: thinking hard.. a little stressed
:: Music: coheed & cambria - a favor house in atlantica

stupid piece of shit.. i accidently deleted my entry from the 16th. stupid asshole.

i spent the last almost week with jim. i had a great time. i finially met his dad. he's great. we stayed at his house 2 nights.

i got home today around 8:00. i walked in the house, and the kitchen, bar room, and dining room was clean when i left on saturday morning- because sam and i cleaned it. i come home to a fuckin' mess. god i was in such a great mood until i saw that. my mom & george left sunday morning to go on a little vacation with the girls and their friends craig & sherry;; they have 2 boys about sam&anns age. dustin was here the whole time; and i guess didn't lift a god damn finger to do shit around here. our bathroom toilet overflowed 2 weekends ago while i was staying over jims and my mom had went somewhere.. and dustin didn't do anything about it and just left it there. so now we can't use that bathroom. maybe i bitch to much.. but it looks like i do everything around here except pay the god damn bills. i practicly take care of my 23 year old brother. what the hell is that? he should be out of the house. i spent my whole summer watching my 2 little sisters while my mom and george were at the bar. they "have to be there" yeah fine.. i watched them. but i'm tired of it now. i'm being taken advantage of. i might be pregnant but that doesn't mean shit.

it's just kinda like i'd much rather move out and have to pay my own doctors bills than to stay here, have my mom pay but be a prisioner in my own house. i mean i have 3 places i could go to stay right now. and all of them very serious about me living with them. but i mean; if i left- my mom and george would be screwed.. because their live-in-babysitter wouldn't be here anymore. then what would they do? omg- my mom would actually have to.. spend time with my sisters. pssh. i don't even think she can handle them nagging her all the time anymore. she'd go crazy.

maybe it'd be easier on my mom if i just moved out anyway. nothings been the same ever since she found out i was pregnant anyway. i'm just a big burden she has to deal with. i can move out if i want to- i'm an emancipated adult now that i'm having a baby even though i'm under the age of 18.

i just keep thinking about what i said in the last paragraph over and over.. and i'm not sure what to do. i just need help.

i need a hug and for someone to say it'll be alright. :(

:: 2004 12 August :: 2.11am
:: Mood: loved

xx interrupted (2:07:14 AM): i need you. :-P
pouncer was here (2:07:33 AM): you got me;-)
xx interrupted (2:09:10 AM): do i got you forrrrever?
pouncer was here (2:09:39 AM): absolutely

i <3 you baby.

4 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2004 10 August :: 9.40pm
:: Mood: anxious

so i regestered at baby depot [burlington] and target..

target

baby depot

you just have to type in my name to see them: Jena Pust my list will come up.

make sure you take a look!

:: 2004 9 August :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: talking to jim on the phone

everyone who reads my journal, has to fill this out!! if you don't have a journal on here just leave an anynomous comment!!

haha.. i think this is funny. -_-
please fill it out for me.

01. Who are you, what's our relationship?:
02. How and where did we meet?:
03. Do I come off as a slut?:
04. How long have you known me?:
05. Tell me one good thing about myself:
06. Have you ever had a crush on me?:
07. Describe me in 3 words:
08. Do you think I'm good looking?:
09. Would you ever date me?:
10. Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
11: What do you like most about me?:
12: If we could spend a day together, what would we do?:
13. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it:
14. What do you think my weakness is?:
15. Do you think I'll get married?:
16. If you could give me anything, what would it be?:
17. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?:
18. Would you make a move on me?:

5 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2004 5 August :: 11.59pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: jim playin' mario sunshine on game cube

so yesterday jim ended up coming over around midnight. my mom came home around 1:30, and we talked to her for a bit.. then she said we couldn't leave until 2:30 because all the cops were out looking for drunks on the road.. so we waited til 2:30, then jim finially got to drive us back to his house. we got there and played wheel of fortune on his computer for a little bit; then we went up to his room and tried to go to sleep.. then his brother jeffs phone kept ringing so jim got up and made some big deal outta it and woke his mom up, then she started yelling-- it was funny though. we finially got to sleep around 5:00 i think..

jim kept having nightmares or something, because i woke up in the middle of the night to him kicking his tv off his stand with his foot. he kneed me in the leg to.. haha

his mom and jeff woke up around 8:00, because she had to take him somewhere til 12. at 11:30 she came back to pick jim and i up to take him to meet his probation officer. while he went in to talk to him, jims mom and i sat in the car and talked.

we got back to the house around 12:45 or so, jeff was home. jim and i just chilled around the house played nintendo 64 and wheel of fortune on the computer. we ordered chicken ranch pizza [our favorite!] and bread sticks from up kuzins. it was soo good.

we came to my house around 7:00. my mom left to go to the bar when we got here. we went up my aunts to talk about the baby shower she's throwing me. it's going to be august 29th at edwards chapel. we invited 40 people.

my mom is having a baby shower for me to, except she's having it after the baby's born.. and it'll be more for her friends. my aunts baby shower for me is more for family.

right now i'm just sitting here with jim and my sister sam. they're playing game cube.

<3

6 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2004 4 August :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: talking to jim on the phone

i'm just sitting here talking to jim on the phone..

he came over on the 2nd. stayed 2 nights. he went home today around 4:00-5:00.

he's comin' back over tonight around 12:00, and i'm gonna call my mom to see if i can go over there when she gets home from closing the bar. other wise he's just gonna stay for a little while.

my doctors apt. yesterday went good. jim went with me, he heard the babys heartbeat for the first time. my next apt. is august 31..

after my mom came to pick us up from the doctors; we went to target to register for my baby shower.. i'm doing the babies room in duckies; it's so cute.

my moms birthday is today.

7 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2004 1 August :: 12.32pm
:: Mood: indifferent

so i'm back from vacation.. well actually i got back a few days ago; but who's counting?

everything with jim is okay, sorry about that long entry i made about it; i just got upset i guess.. but who cares.

yesterday i went to jims house. i got there around 2:00 in the afternoon. my brother dustin drove me over. jim shaved his head; and i coulda kicked his ass for it because i hate that.. but he actually looks cute so i wasn't as mad. lol. we watched jack up in his room, then went downstairs and ordered a pizza from kuzins. we just lounged around then watched The Story of Us, that movie was made for jim and i. after that we walked down the park and i finially got to swing on the swings! [jim pushed me] we went back down his house and just chilled and watched movies the rest of the night. when his mom got home she gave him the keys and he drove me home. we had to stop in bentlyville to get gas, drop movies off at giant eagle, and get jims mom a subway sub. after all that, we finially left for my house. i got home around 12:30-12:45. i got jim to stay for about 15 minutes. then he went home. he called me when he got home, and we talked for about another hour i think then i went to bed.

i woke up around 11:00 today.

i don't know what i'm gonna do today, i need to go to the mall to get my mom a birthday present because her birthday is on the 4th. so i'm trying to get jim and i a ride to the mall.

2 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2004 24 July :: 1.19am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: breaking benjimin - so cold

"i feel, i feel dead inside.
nothings bringing me back
from this. not this time."

2 Candles | Burned Out

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