Alone

:: 2004 11 May :: 11.11am
:: Mood: hahaha

oh people these days. i guess i need to be "supported" now..? lmao, oh man. to funny.

:: 2004 10 May :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: stressed

i wish jim would answer his phone, and i wish the people that i talk to; or otherwise known as friends; would all stop lying. i don't even know who's telling the truth or who's lying their asses off anymore.. they both go hand in hand.

:: 2004 10 May :: 4.09pm
:: Mood: irritated

i miss jim, i got to see him wednesday.. but that wasn't enough. i want to see him all the time! ..but oh well, i'm living. lol

didn't really do anything this weekend.. well nothing that i actually planned. i was supposed to do some things, but i either didn't do them, or i had to work.. saturday my mom, sisters and i were supposed to go shopping. buuuuuuuuuut;; my mom only put chelsea (waitress) on for saturday night.. and she majorly needed help. so i worked. from 4 til 11. i had probably about 10 tables all at once, which was hard as hell. but i managed.. and made some cash while i was at it.

sunday was mothers day. i bought my mom a mug that says "mom, i love you" and it's cutesy and stuff. i got sam and anna roses at wal*mart saturday night, so they gave her roses.. dustin got her beautiful flowers. george was supposed to put her deck together, and put the new dishwasher we yesterday in.. but he ended up getting drunk off his ass and acting like an idiot, which was funny.. and not doing it. so i guess my mom didn't have to good of a mothers day, considering that was the only 2 things she really wanted done.. but hey, can't win'em all. i just felt bad for her because even though she was mad, she was more dissapointed. and i know what it feels like to be dissapointed. it just sucks.

school sucked today, have algebra homework, and a huge history test tomorrow that i need to pass. it counts for 1/5 our 4th 9 weeks grade.. eek. that sucks.

a lot of things are happening in school, especially with amy and becky.. which i think is funny.. and so does everyone else. buuuut; here's what happened in case anyone that reads this doesn't know: becky basicly called amys hair a rats nest (or something to the sort) JOKINGLY, and amy took it all seriously and flipped out. randi and i laughed, because drama is funny. and now for about a week.. amy and becky have been fighting. i guess amy said that becky called her like 6 times, buuuut i don't believe that. becky only called her once. so today, amy told someone that she pushed becky into the lockers and called her a bitch and to stay outta her way or something.. but thats not true at all, and i asked amy about it and she denied it and then went on and told me that becky told kristen that i was talking about her.. which made me laugh even more; because i asked kristen and becky about it- and they didn't know what i was talking about. so please tell me this.. who's lying here?

:: 2004 7 May :: 10.25pm
:: Mood: lonely

i went over jims house on wednesday.. stayed their for a couple hours, then went to amys and stayed.

didn't go to school today. i woke up and couldn't get out of bed, it felt like something in me was being ripped or something. i don't know; hard to explain, but it hurt.

..another lonely weekend for me.

XXinterrupted

:: 2004 4 May :: 11.06am
:: Mood: stressed

i can't stand it anymore, i'm getting the shitty end of the deal. relationships are supposed to be 2 people trying to make it work.. right? because i'm the only one in this relationship anymore. i cry every night because of it.

..but i doubt jim cares.

:: 2004 30 April :: 8.58pm
:: Mood: sad

i don't think i ask to do many things. i'm not demanding. i watch my sisters every day. i've been watching them for weeks. i never go anywhere.

..but the weekend i do want to do something, no. i can't.

wtf.

:: 2004 28 April :: 3.57pm
:: Mood: depressed

i hate everything about you.
why do i love you?

:: 2004 26 April :: 8.36pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: evanescence - anybodys fool

i wish this never happened. it's going to ruin everything. it's already basicly ruined jim and i.. if i could have only one wish in my whole entire life, it'd be for it to just go away.. just go away. i want things the way they were before it happened!

jim's never around anymore, i don't have any friends because i don't talk to any. i need to tell someone; but i don't trust anyone anymore.. all my "friends" do is gossip. thats why i basicly stopped talking to everyone.. or if i do talk to them i don't tell them anything.

i hate this.

:: 2004 24 April :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: incubus - stellar

i'm just sitting here, turned on the radio and incubus is on. what luck i have.

..no i'm not lucky.

my life is going to shit.

friends, boyfriends, family. 3 important things;; or are they?

life has to many complications to it.. all we're supposed to do is live and die. so why do we have to get pregnant and make more mindless conforming people?

i'm sitting here in the dark with a bunch of candles lit. just like the last time jim was here.. i guess i really don't understand him anymore. i don't even know what's going on between us. i have to practicly black mail him to get him to stay over here. is it me? i think just being around me makes him sick anymore. ever since a few months ago. i know what the reason is. i know. but he keeps telling me that it's not the reason.. i don't know. all i know is that he can't keep doing the stuff he's doing.. i keep beating myself up over it; i blame myself because i think it's my fault. i probably is my fault anyways.

can you be so sad, and so happy at the same time? i guess you can;; because i am. i thought i was over that being sad shit.. but i guess when you make the biggest mistake in your whole life with someone who you thought loved you more than everything in the whole world.. being sad just comes easy. it comes easy..

i just remembered why i hate being in the dark..

my mom took me shopping today.. we went to gadzooks, hot topic, bon ton and dots. i got 2 pair of jeans, 1 pair of capris, and a bunch of shirts.. it made my mom happy that she was buying me things, cause she actually had money to spend.. she's under a lot of stress lately with the bar and everything. i've been working a lot more lately. i like it; gets my out of the house.. away from thinking about things. it's good for me i guess.

..i keep finding myself staring off into the candle on my desk.

friday i went shopping with my mom & george for things for the bar and everything. saturday i got up, went to the social hall in bentlyville for the making of the SADD video.. went to work right after that [@ 11] and then at 4:30 my mom and i went shopping. after that around 6:30- we went back to the bar so i could change and get freshened up. we left around 7:30 and my mom & george took me to hannah's birthday party. i got there at 8, stayed till 8:30, went home and now here i am.. without jim.

right now i have to go up and say bye to my aunt loraine.. she's leaving for the weekend; going to the amish country.. i haven't even talked to her in at least a week. i've been ignoring my friends, as well as my family. which is a lot more important to me then friends.. i have to start getting my priorities straight.

:: 2004 22 April :: 10.05am
:: Mood: bitchy

i guess now movies are more important than me, wtf. that's fuckin' pathetic.

:: 2004 21 April :: 10.31am
:: Mood: blank

haven't writen in almost a month. a lot of things have been going on- my internet being down for one. but my mom said she's calling today to fix it.. we'll see if she forgets.

i hate when people lie. especially when the lie involves me.

i hate when i eat all the time.

i hate it that i'm getting fat.........

i hate always having to watch my little sisters because i'm the only one ever home.

i hate getting up in the morning.

i hate when jim disappoints me.
..and when he never comes over.
..and when he lies.
..and when he doesn't keep his promises.
..and when he does something that makes me feel like shit or hurts me and it seems not to phase him or he turns it against me and acts like it's my fault.

i hate that my life revolves around jim, and his doesn't seem to revolve around me.

hmmmm, i started out only going to say something about people lying, and then i got a little carried away..

i still haven't paid the $2.. i have the money, i just haven't sent it yet. ahhh.. i have to send it soon, or my journal will be deleted.

:: 2004 9 April :: 12.07am
:: Mood: cranky

jim came over today, he went home around 7 to clean out his dresser for his mom- and he promised to try really hard to come back tonight, but no way.. jim keep his promises?

..so me always seeming to have so much time on my hands;; i cleaned my room. with the help of sam/anna. they did a lot to. i was glad for the help. but anyways, i'm still not completly done. i have to dust/clean off the top of my computer desk where my stereo is.. and sweep. it needs swept badly.

easter is sunday, i can't wait for my easter basket! =) haha.

have to go back to school on tuesday, spring break is over. eh, it sounds horrible to even mention it..

anyway, i'm gonna go back to finish reading my english book.

:: 2004 7 April :: 10.07pm
:: Mood: distressed

things are.. wierd lately.. i can't tell if i'm having a good day;; a bad day..? umm..

:: 2004 5 April :: 4.40pm
:: Mood: calm

i was in 7th period, when i really started thinking about all these things that i wanted to talk to jim about, and i figured i might as well just write them down because i would forget what i was thinking about. well, by the end of 8th period i had a 3 page letter to give him. it basicly has what i'm feeling in it, and i'm glad i wrote it all down.. but i don't know if i'm going to give it to him or not. i'll read it over and make sure it doesn't sound to stupid.. but yeah- i think i will give it to him..

got report cards today.
english- 91%
global studies- 76%
history- 57%
science- 79%
algebra- 86%
advanced word processing- 93%
child development- 97%
health- 83%

i brought most of my grades up, 3 went down, but only by a little bit. i did really good except for the history grade, but my mom knows about it already.

:: 2004 28 March :: 9.16pm
:: Mood: coughing and feeling blah

sitting at home, really tired.. i did a lot more than i expected to do today.

my aunt loraine called around 9:20 to see if i wanted to go with her and my gram to a little fashion show in the mall, and at first i really didn't want to go, but i got up and got ready. we left at 10:45, went to exchange a couple things, went to wal*mart, fashion bug [i got a pair of lounging pants, and 2 long sleeved shirts] then we headed off to the little show. we left around 3, then went to sams club to get big lipton tea bags for my uncle, and some chicken for dinner. we all came home, unloaded our bags and my aunt made some of her gooood spaghitti [sp?] and the chicken we bought.. then we all just lounged around and talked. i went out and sat on the porch for a little while, then everyone came out- it was such a nice day today. i guess jim is supposed to come over sometime tonight.. pssh, he pisses me off so bad. i called him around 7:00 and told him that my aunt and i could come pick him up later because she had to take dia home and he lives right down the street from her.. but nooooo- he had to wait til his mom came home. wtf? he has more excuses than people do assholes.

:: 2004 27 March :: 3.57pm
:: Mood: bored

i didn't go to school friday.. first of all we all slept in, and i was coughing/had a fever- so my mom just told me to stay home. i got up around 8:00, then got dressed dropped nichole & i's algebra project off at school, then went to the bar. it's almost done being decorated.. the BAR part is awesome, all decorated and everything, but they're still working on the pool room/dining room part. it's coming together great. can't wait to get pictures of it, i'll post them on here. [that'll probably be around the 14th/15th of april.. thats when the "Grand Opening" is!]

jim stayed last night. for the first time in about a week! grrr. he went home again today. him & his mom are switching rooms for some reason. i don't know- stupid if you ask me. but whatever.

well, it's time to go.

xx.jena