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Aaron

:: 2004 15 June :: 2.10am
:: Mood: I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I foc
:: Music: something on my uncles sterio...some rockn' roll version of an old sad song.

The wedding
So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one, this form I hold now.
Embracing you, this reality here,
This one, this form I hold now, so
Wide eyed and hopeful.
Wide eyed and hopefully wild.

We barely remember what came before this precious moment,
Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.


I went to shane and stephanies wedding. I cried through the whole thing. people looked at me funny. not because I was crying, but because of the face I had on...one of pure pain, not the joy you would expect to see at a wedding. The weight that had been accumulating all these past months finally fell on me. the weight of all that had been lost rested one my shoulders. and I wept. I wept for her. for all she had lost. but mostly I wept because I know no one will love her like i did, like i do, like i always will...

For all she had lost...

We practiced loading and firing yesterday. I saw him, down by a tree. he was obviously wounded from the last time we fired. I kept loading. when my gun was loaded and primed, I waited for Jim's command.
Ready!
I go to full cock
aim!
I see him at the end of my barrel
FIRE!!!
The smoke blinded me, the kick caused me to look away. When I finally turned my head and looked again he had a gaping crimson void in his sternum. but every time I'd look away he'd go back to a state of immpecable health, all except a wound in his leg. and everytime we fired I saw him, aimed for him, and with a deep firey loathing, pulled the trigger.

Schools...
Well, The oaks is out. Saint michaels is out. NW christian is out. Gonzaga Prep is out. But I have to take care of Valley christian and Ferris and cornerstone. GODDAMMIT! I BELONG WITH MY FRIENDS NOT AT SOME PANZY ASS CHRISTIAN PRIVATE SCHOOL!!! AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

7 Read | Write


Aaron

:: 2004 10 June :: 11.56pm
:: Mood: Triumphant
:: Music: Something with horns...

I am the overlord!
Ha! I snuck on to my mom's computer! Oh...I have to call Tori now... okay. b'bye

3 Read | Write


Aaron

:: 2004 5 June :: 11.02pm

did you happen to catch
or did it happen so fast
what you thought would always last
has passed you by
is everything speeding up
or am i slowing down
i'm just spinning around
and i don't know why
all the pieces don't fit
though i didn't really give a shit
i never wanted to be like you
but for all i aspire
i am really a liar
and i'm running out of things i can do

i'd like to stay
but every day
everything pushes me farther away
if you could show
help me to know
how it's supposed to be
where did it go?

pleading and
needing and
bleeding and
breeding and
feeding
exceeding
where is everybody?
trying and
lying
defying
denying
crying and
dying
where is everybody?

well okay, enough.
you've had your fun
but come on there has got to be someone
hasn't yet become
so numb
and succumb
and
god damn i am so tired of pretending
wishing i was ending
when all i'm really doing is trying to hide
and keep it inside
fill it with lies
open my eyes?
maybe i wish i could try

pleading and
needing and
bleeding and
breeding
feeding
exceding
where is everybody?
trying and
lying
defying
denying
crying and
dying
where is everybody?

pleading
feeding
bleeding
breeding
feeding
exceding
where is everybody?
trying
lying
defying
denying
crying and
dying
where is everybody?

7 Read | Write


Aaron

:: 2004 5 June :: 5.43pm
:: Mood: Forsaken
:: Music: More Tool

My field of ashes.
Read some of Tori's journal...so much in there about him...

10 Read | Write


Aaron

:: 2004 5 June :: 5.30pm
:: Mood: fearful
:: Music: Tool, Lateralus

Visions...
I had some visions today...they were really vivid. They were of Tori...it was...horrible...so many of them...

"Oh God, Save me..."

3 Read | Write


Aaron

:: 2004 2 May :: 2.39am
:: Mood: Sad...No more journal in seven days
:: Music: Godsmack

This probably will be my last journaling session...forever, so savor it. please, I have so much to say I just don't know how to say it!

13 Read | Write


Aaron

:: 2004 2 May :: 2.22am
:: Mood: Warm, powerful
:: Music: FF7 Boss music

A penis with legs ^.^
She's still feeling guilty. I can understand. But she has no idea how much I owe her... I would never have found the strength to perservere had she not wounded me, and in the end, it's better this way. I have my strength, my heart, my passion. Next time I find a girl I can offer them all up to her. That's what I did wrong. I never offered anything, only took. no wonder she felt insecure...


HA! A PENIS WITH LEGS!!! sorry, Pat showed me this histarical picture. It looked like a penis with legs. Anyway. Not that I believe that I will find another girl. I really think I'm flying solo form here.

5 Read | Write


Aaron

:: 2004 27 March :: 3.16pm
:: Mood: uneasy
:: Music: UNcle chuck playing with his new Amp.

I feel sort of weird, being on the journals for the first time in months. I've been reading wild at heart by John Eldredge and I can't explain how helpful it's been... My favorite part so far is when he was relating life to a part of a war book he had read. The quote reads.
Soldier-"Lueitenant, they're shooting at us!"
Lueitenant-"Well start shooting back!"
Hello? That's what happens in war, you get shot at, and this is how it relates to life. S-H-O-O-T B-A-C-K.

Yip. That says it all. That is the stratigy. The wounds hurt, and there is no shame in that. It's not your fault they hurt. let them hurt, accnoledge the hurt, and then fight the wound, NOT THE PAIN! the pain is not the enemy, the wound causing it is! oh, they want me in the other room. cya.
~Paul

17 Read | Write


Aaron

:: 2004 31 January :: 3.37pm

lyrics
The Noose Lyrics

So glad to see you well
Overcome and completely silent now
With heaven's help
You cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curiuos
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
To the dead
To the dead

Recall the deeds as if they're all
Someone else's
Atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn
Before us all
So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
To the dead
To the dead

With your halo slippin' down
Your halo slippin'
Your halo slippin' down
Your halo slippinn' down

Your halo slippin' down
(I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends)
[repeated]

Your halo slippin' down
Your halo slippin' down to choke you now


Nine Inch Nails Something I Can Never Have lyrics
i still recall the taste of your tears.
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore.

[Chorus:]
come on tell me.
you'll make this all go away.
you'll make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you'll make this all go away.
you'll you make this all go way.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have

you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this is slowly take me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart.

you'll make this all go away.
you'll make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you'll make this all go away.
you'll you make this all go way.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have


in this place it seems like such a same.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.

[Chorus]

i just want something.
i just want something i can never have
i just want something i can never have
think i know what you meant.
that night on my bed.
still picking at this scab
i wish you were dead.
you sweet and perry ellis.
just stains on my sheets.


Nine Inch Nails That's What I Get lyrics
Just when everything was making sense.
You took away all my self - confidence.
Now all that i've been hearing must be true.
I guess i'm not the only boy for you.

But that's what i get
That's what i get
That's what i get
That's what i get

How could you turn us into this?
After you just taught me how to kiss you.
I told you i'd never say goodbye.
I'm slipping on the tears you made me cry.

But that's what i get.
That's what i get.
That's what i get.
That's what i get.
For trusting you.
That's what i get.

Why does it come as a surprise.
To think that i was so naive.
Maybe didn't mean too much.
But it meant everything to me.

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
i've been alone all along


I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


Once it smiled a silent dell
Where the people did not dwell;
They had gone unto the wars,
Trusting to the mild-eyed stars,
Nightly, from their azure towers,
To keep watch above the flowers,
In the midst of which all day
The red sunlight lazily lay.
Now each visitor shall confess
The sad valley's restlessness.
Nothing there is motionless-
Nothing save the airs that brood
Over the magic solitude.
Ah, by no wind are stirred those trees
That palpitate like the chill seas
Around the misty Hebrides!
Ah, by no wind those clouds are driven
That rustle through the unquiet Heaven
Uneasily, from morn till even,
Over the violets there that lie
In myriad types of the human eye-
Over the lilies there that wave
And weep above a nameless grave!
They wave: — from out their fragrant tops
Eternal dews come down in drops.
They weep: — from off their delicate stems
Perennial tears descend in gems.


We're going to north town...hey, that was before we were dating. don't worry about it...I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me...........

12 Read | Write


Aaron

:: 2004 31 January :: 1.46pm
:: Mood: tired...guilty...suicidal (of course)

quizirific stuffesis!!!
" What color of Pernese dragon are you? " - Results:

You are a bronze dragon! You are the biggest of the males, and generally you are the only one who gets to mate with the queen. You are an excellent leader. Your human partner is likely to be a Wingleader or even Weyrleader, the person in charge of the entire Weyr, and you are the mate of the senior queen. You are respected by the lower colors, and if you are the Weyrleader's dragon you are always obeyed, unless the queen contradicts you. Since queens are relatively uncommon, you are widely considered by humans the best dragon to be paired with.
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:

Bronze Dragon
You are a bronze dragon! You are the biggest of
the males, and generally you are the only one
who gets to mate with the queen. You are an
excellent leader. Your human partner is likely
to be a Wingleader or even Weyrleader, the
person in charge of the entire Weyr, and you
are the mate of the senior queen. You are
respected by the lower colors, and if you are
the Weyrleader's dragon you are always obeyed,
unless the queen contradicts you. Since queens
are relatively uncommon, you are widely
considered by humans the best dragon to be
paired with.


What color of Pernese dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


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" good......dark`~Angelz~`light......evil" - Results:

;Fallen Angel;-You are a fallen angel. Once an angel of light you crossed the line into the dark. Most likely for one other than yourself. As a fallen angel, you can often be cold though your insides are burning with emotion. Noing that feeling for someone was what got you here in the first place and you are not willing to go there again. You do not dwell on your emotions though they are there and probably very stong. Your beautiful in an untouchable way. You are an independant spirit becuase of your past and people often try and harness that beauty though never able to succeed. You have a higher understanding of the world and the people in it. You are probably very empathetic to others emotions though not to your own. You wish with all your heart to return to the light. Though your outside is rough and changed through time Your heart remains ever heavenly. You most likely hate pity and cant feel sorry for yourself.
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:

Fallen
;Fallen Angel;-You are a fallen angel. Once an
angel of light you crossed the line into the
dark. Most likely for one other than yourself.
As a fallen angel, you can often be cold though
your insides are burning with emotion. Noing
that feeling for someone was what got you here
in the first place and you are not willing to
go there again. You do not dwell on your
emotions though they are there and probably
very stong. Your beautiful in an untouchable
way. You are an independant spirit becuase of
your past and people often try and harness that
beauty though never able to succeed. You have a
higher understanding of the world and the
people in it. You are probably very empathetic
to others emotions though not to your own. You
wish with all your heart to return to the
light. Though your outside is rough and changed
through time Your heart remains ever heavenly.
You most likely hate pity and cant feel sorry
for yourself.


good......dark`~Angelz~`light......evil
brought to you by Quizilla


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be smart,
be funny.
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