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2003 28 November :: 7.06pm
so you understand what this is...i just wrote a five page private entry...this is the last paragraph in it.
in that moment in time i fell back into that coma type existance i had been in for so long...and i don't want to come out...ever....i want to hide for eternity....every time i come out of my trance i get fucked over...fucked because i am too gentle...i care too much, i bring too much down on those around me...good bye.....good bye...good bye until i can crawl out of this hole again and brave the tortures of my hell...this doesn't mean i don't love you. this doesn't mean i won't be back for years like the last time. it doesn't mean i won't be back by tomorrow, or in just a few hours...it just means until the one i love...the one i depend on allows me to lean on them again i'll hide...hide like a cowardly little boy...goodbye now....i'd tell you i love you but i know you'd rather not hear it...that you really don't care...
i think i'll be okay...i just need to think...some time to think...i feel like i'm going to break down and cry....just give me a minute.
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2003 27 November :: 8.22pm
"Fascination Street" by "The Cure"...i have to remember that...
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2003 27 November :: 8.12pm
:: Mood: releived
:: Music: rolling by soul couphing
i swear i saw him!
Ok, so i saw him in a dream once, and when i saw that plastic jack-o-lantern it for a moment looked just like the one in my dream. so i placed the copper-plated shot into the pistol, closed the hatch, pumped it TWENTY ONE times, cocked it, put the barrel in it's mouth and turned off the safety, and leaned my face close to it and cursed him for all it had done to her, spat on it...and pulled the trigger. it wasn't until the junk of pink plastic the size of a cherry flew out of the back of it's head that i realized it was not him. maybe i am going insane...i think pumpkins look like him...pink pumpkins...and i seriously thought it was him...he didn't help! maybe it was his fault i though it was him.....well, almost time for dinner...
i miss you tori...we'll talk tomorrow, won't we? i love you...more than i think you know.
later,
Paul
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2003 27 November :: 5.16pm
:: Music: smells like teen spirit, Nirvana
i miss my girl...
one person does know me...and she's currently 120 miles away and can't even get on IM because of this whole "big dead bird day" tradition. man, i miss her already. jesus...lol, alex and maddy are playing video games and alex is attacking a the invinsable and extremely explosive objects causing him to be blown to hell and back. god, this kid is insane (song switches to rooster by alice in chains) yeah, well...life is okay for the moment. it is a battle, a long bloody battle, full of these cycles. but i swear, i'll break 'em, every last shitty-ass cycle is going to get a nice big fuck up the ass. i'm so sick of them, so sick of what they do to people. i can't take it much longer...but if i have her, i can hang in as long as i need to. see, that's what being dependant on someone who actually loves you can do for you. you have this unlimited power source. when i'm around her i get totally rejuvinated. i feel so free and powerful and limitless...the feeling i get in my gut when i can't tell which pulse is mine and which is hers. the feeling i get every time i replay the sound of "yes" falling from her sweet voice. she's the only girl i've ever met that i think looks just as good with her hair up as she does with it down. (song switches to freedom by rage against the machine, i'm listening to accuradio) so here i am, recording my thoughts of her...chewing on the end of the stick of a tootsie pop (i already ate all the candy off of it) and slumping in this chair wearing my preppy quick silver sweater that none of you have ever seen me wear and those light brown pants i have...hey tori, remember when you cut the zipper thingy? well on one side all the strings seperated and are SO bushy right now. well, yeah...you guys saw my gap boxers and teased me about my "preppy cloths"...well, this pair of pants, which i was wearing that day, and the pair identical only darker to thhem are from old navy. all of my boxers are either from nordstrom's, the gap, or old navy. my solid black belt? j. crew. so...any one in the least bit surprised about this? (song switches too basket case by green day...more accuradio) well guys, i should hang out with maddy alex...you guys are awesome. i love you tori. -big huggs-
later,
Paul
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2003 27 November :: 5.07pm
:: Mood: high..irritated by phillip and fiona and this godd
:: Music: sweet dreams, marilyn manson
waterity water water water
"What's your element" - Results:
Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a good communicator. Incredibably loving and loyal when your trust is gained and you are fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river but nobody truly knows you.
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:
Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a
good communicator. Incredibably loving and
loyal when your trust is gained and you are
fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is
in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river
but nobody truly knows you.
What's your element
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wow...well, the description is fitting.
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2003 27 November :: 1.31pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: ...what do you think? so far away, staind
"So Far Away"
this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
cuz i
i must be sleeping
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
in all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today
these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before
somebody shake me cuz i
i must be sleeping
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
in all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today
i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
in all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today
so far away...maybe the world is going to leave. i'll save her from it...i'll break these cycles...but i can't do that if she doesn't trust me. difference between me and those two. we can start with the fact that i love her. yay. now what else...well, i have both the maturity and strength to handle the shit given to me by the world. something they both lacked. i care more about her than anything else. my grades, my music, my horses, even my goddamn life, pathetic as it is, falls so far below her, and her interests, and her needs, and all of her dreams and hopes, that it would seem that i live for her. which, infact, is entirly correct. i do live for her. something they both lacked. now all these comparison's really aren't going to get me anywhere. i am not them, in any way shape or form. i love tori, and i'll keep her forever. no one can convince me other wise. :P!!! so there. now that we have this settled, why don't we move to the events of last night? well...it started with me talking to tori and then my brother wanting to check his email which he done not ten minutes earlier and was perfectly capable of doing elsewhere, he just never did. well, my parents got really pissed at me when i told him to just get off his lazy ass and walk upstairs and check it himself and they unplugged the computer in the middle of our conversation. i got pissed and yelled at them for being unresonable and unfair and pretanding that they were the supreme rulers of my life and they took my crutches and left me standing there and went into their room to talk. well they forgot, obviously, that the only thing between me and walking is a whole lot of pain. so i walked outside of their door and heard them talk about how they thought they should send me to the hospital. well, at that point i barged in and from 9:30 to 11:30 we combated each other verbally, and though they denied it all three of us knew i had kicked their asses (go debaters!) so they didn't take me to the hospital though i think they still beleive i am insane, and maybe i am. but whatever, it doesn't matter. they are not putting me in a fucking straight jacket. in fact, my winning argument was that throwing me into an insane asylim because i have the idea that my parents shouldn't have 100% control over me would be kinda like how they locked up divinci for beleiveing that the world was round. there were two similarities.
1: he got locked up
2: he was right
so there you have it folks, i kicked the asses of my parents. though they refused to admit it, i did. well, i have to go now, but i'll be online at my cousin's house. i love you tori, XO.
later people,
Paul
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2003 27 November :: 1.10pm
:: Mood: comforted
:: Music: some smashing pumpkins song...a happy one. it's playing in maddy's room.
Tori,
i'm supposed to be leaving in about thirty seconds, which doesn't give me much time, though i'll be on MSN messanger at my cousin's house. i'm all apolagies about last night. my dad unplugged the computer...anyway, i'll talk to you more later...i don't think you'd apreciate me continueing the conversation where everyone can see it. just know this. love is a verb. it is the act in which you become dependant on something or someone. i know your fear. i have that same fear. but i'm still that person you've trusted for five years. that person isn't leaving. minor changes may occur, but that is simply natural as ones hystory grows. i love you. i have become dependant on you. i live for you. and i would be no where without you.
with all the love of the world and whatever lies beyond, i am yours.
Paul
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2003 25 November :: 11.59pm
:: Mood: frightened
:: Music: my immortal, evanescence
again...it's haunting me.
tori...i need you...i'm frightened. i can feel the temptation rising...i don't know why....please, tori, call me or something...i won't be online much longer....please.
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2003 25 November :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: happy/tired/anxious...he's almost free! ^.^
tori..i wasn't. i deleted the message and i can't even remember the email adress. i have nore respect for you than that. i don't even have that much of a desire to talk to him. i think you need to learn to trust me more ;). i love you. no idea where you are at the moment. i know you said you were going to either nora's or sophie's house to do a science project...pretty sure it was nora. anywho, i'm on until nine. see ya soon.
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2003 23 November :: 5.53pm
thinking about it...should i tell her? later. much much later...now is just not good for her...i think this needs to brew longer, too. i still haven't found out everything,.
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