There's an ambulance outside. I think I hate that noise more than anything in the world. Everytime I see or hear one I pray that no one is hurt.

I'm trying to avoid it, but I just have to write in here.

I've realized more and more how bad my self-esteem is getitng again. I put on these jeans today and they used to be loose on me. Now they are fitting and I hate it. I wanted to cry and cut off 10 lbs of fat from my legs. I always feel so fat but I don't work out or eat good. I don't have enough self-discipline and I always am working so I don't want to work out when I have the time. I want to spend that time with Roman or friends.

I cry about everything about myself. I 'm really hating my looks again like I used to. Because of my stupid face. This was supposed to be done with 2 years ago but no, of course not. It will probably haunt me the rest of my life. I cry if someone I've never met before doesn't say hi to me when I'm introduced to them. That one makes more sense to me... but when I cry because people don't say bye to me when I'm leaving their house I just want to drive off and run into a truck. It makes me feel so extremely horrible.

I'm sorry to anyone i've EVER made fun of or thought bad of ever. I'm so sorry. I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. I always feel that way but now more and more I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings even if I don't know them and even if they don't hear me. It's just so wrong because what if they did hear what I said? What if they are feeling like me what if they are on the verge and ready to go for it and that last comment they hear from a complete stranger just pushes them over the edge?

I just want all this to go away. For a while it was. Roman makes me feel great about myself so it all went away. Maybe i've been around myself to much and everything's coming back. WEll hey jess G if this makes you feel good... I wanted to let you know, my boyfriend thinks you're skinnier than me. Great huh? You are, and I know that but for him to even say it . I just wanted to go make myself puke until I was satisfying enough for the world. UGH.

I feel so bad about everything. I feel bad that I let down my parents I feel bad I let down roman. My friends. Everyone. I feel bad that I don't think I have what it takes (or even CLOSE to what it takes) to be a neonatel nurse. I feel bad that I dont think I can do college. I feel bad that I didn't get the cashiering job at white creek lumber and i was oh-so-positive i would. I feel bad that no one cares. I feel bad that I probably will be stuck at arby's for another year.

That is if they haven't fired me yet for not calling or showing up.
fuck them.

I feel bad that everyone is or seems more successful and more pretty than me. more outgoing, comfortable, together.a asssssssssssssssssssssssssdfffffffffffffff i dont like me. i think the only time i really like me is when i'm with one of my best friends or definetely when i'm with roman. but i always wish i could be more like him. confident. yeah that's right roman i think i'm jealous of you. hm. i love you and i want to be more like you but you know that already.

s;dlfkajdl;fkjasd;fkljas;dlfkjasl;dfjkasl;djkf gross.

And you know, I'll eat somethign before bed. Probably ice cream. Most likely. God i'm so dumb

Praying makes me feel so much better. but i still feel gross. Roman makes me feel great too but when i'm alone i still feel ugly.

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