::
2011 11 June :: 2.40am
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: "Love you till the end" By The Pogues
What Is Love
A love all-commanding, all-withstanding
Through a year is my love;
A grief darkly hiding, starkly biding
Without let or remove;
Of strength a sharp straining, past sustaining
Wheresoever I rove,
A force still extending without ending
Before and around and above.
Of Heaven 'tis the brightest amazement,
The blackest abasement of Hell,
A struggle for breath with a spectre,
In nectar a choking to death;
'Tis a race with Heaven's lightning and thunder,
Then Champion Feats under Moyle's water,
'Tis pursuing the cuckoo, the wooing
Of Echo, the Rock's airy daughter.
Till my red lips turn ashen,
My light limbs grow leaden,
My heart loses motion,
In Death my eyes deaden,
So is my love and my Passion,
So is my ceaseless devotion
To him to whom I gave them,
To him who will not have them.
As usual its filled with family; yard work and long drives with my popa.
My life is far from eventful but you know, it works really well for me. I spend most of my time with either my husband or with my dad or sister. Its nice to have close family ties. Ours is deffintely a little different we spend hours making plans for parades for family members that did something good...or just something at all, we sing to our dogs and compete with whos song is best (non of us really care) and just hang out.
I love it.
I guess I'll be inheriting my dads house; we're already making plans for after he dies which makes him feel great :) its all in good fun.
Now that I think about it from the outside looking in we're probably pretty lame; but I love my family. We all got to right? We're stuck with them until we become rich and are able to run away.
She showed up at our house today which made it soo much easier just to kinda spit it out. She at first was pissed; we didn't tell her sooner. Then she started talking about what we do to our parents will come around to us and then we'll call our parents crying and apologizing for all that we ever did to them...Then started talking about losing the baby (seeing how I wasn't supposed to have kids) it was kind of strange.
Once I assured her that the baby is healthy and we've been doing everything the doctor has said and that we're being closely monitored; she brings up naming the baby after her mom and dislikes our name.
Yeaah
Weird way to start the day. Humiliating really.
Thad and I are over it.
I need to get ready for work but seriously...what a bitch.
Why is it that only my mom was excited about Cactus?
Dad wasn't very excited and neither was Gary...Now Gladys?
Dang
Living with you.
I love it right now. I thought moving in together was going to be scary and uncomfortable, but its not at all. It's fun, it's easy, it's happy, it's comforting knowing I'll wake up to you every morning. No more missing you for weeks at a time. No more holding a pillow wishing it was you in bed with me. No more distance. Sure, we've had arguments, but nothing major, and the tension doesn't last. You always know how to make me feel better and break my walls down. You know how to make me laugh on days where I don't even want to smile. You are the most amazing thing in my life, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you. I love sharing a bed with you even though you hog the blankets, I love going grocery shopping with you even though you're all over the place, I love our disorganized, qwerky, sometimes upsetting life together.
All that I am,
All that I ever was,
Is here in your perfect eyes,
They're all I can see.
If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I know it sounds stupid and quite frankly unrealistic but I can hope right?
Now there has been a new blessing in Thad and I's life it at least at first all sempt so... It felt like we were lying to people. I still after 5 weeks couldnt believe it so anytime I'd even remotely open my mouth about it I just felt horrible...Like I was telling my best friernd a lie. Well finally now at week 10 I can see my life I can see my baby and it all feels so real now. Which makes every little thing that people have said to me blown up. I feel abandoned. I find myself alone or with family members most of the time; which I dont mind I am very family orriented...but it would be nice to have a friend in the mix. Tomi's to busy with work and Attley, which I understand, and Hillary's to busy with grown up stuff so it kind of leaves me to myself. You know I just always felt like no matter what I would have a certain group of friends that would go through hell or high water with ya... Again not so realistic.
Maybe Thad is right. I'm just an emotional wreck lately.
Maybe I shouldn't take everything so personally
Too bad it all feels so...
Present
Everything that you say hits me like a ton of bricks when at one point not to long ago in my life I could shrug off whatever you had to say. Maybe its because its the people closest to me that are acting so strangley towards me.
My family says I'll kill Isaac; I have quit smoking and I drink only the pop my doctor allows, I work out, I have read almost every baby book I come across, fast food I miss terribly.
Tell me again how I'm going to kill my child? By trying to do everything correctly? By being a little paranoid? Okay. I'll do better
Like I said...I'm an emotional mess
Example
Any baby that comes onto the television (that doesn't look like it came out of childs play) I bawl my eyes out
Due to the fact I can smell everything- I yell at anyone who exits a bathroom or anyone that cooks
This post...
I make issues sooo much bigger than what they should be...Sorry Thad
I like to spend a majority of my time asleep, thank God no one reads this someone would think I was crazy, but I have dreams that my babies here and I get to spend a couple moments with him before I wake up to pee. The last dream made me sob for close to an hour. I dreampt that he was laying in between my legs and he stretched and looked up at me and smiled then I had to nurse him...I cannot describe the feeling though...it was my child in the dream. Although it felt like a girl more so than a boy that I'm almost positive I'm having. It was the most wonderful feeling I've had in my entire life and when I sleep sometimes I get that feeling back for just a split second.
I'm just tired of being ignored...and I'm sure once the baby is here people are going to regret not spending the time that they should have because quite frankly I'm going to be really busy and time with them wont be on the top of my list. I have seven more months...Oh well. See now I sound whiney but its true. I wont be allowed a life anymore when the baby gets here; because he'll be my life. Period.
Now that I've made myself sound absolutely nuts I gotta get going.