My loveletter to nobody..

My loveletter to nobody..

:: 2008 27 June :: 1.18am

If I could write down every thought that whisks its way through my mind I would be a top selling novelist, but it seems whenever I sit to write down what I have to say my words get jumbled and confused and I find myself deleting everything. Even now I can't seem to get out what I'd like to say, perhaps that's why I've been running in circles with this post.

I feel as if I've lived 1000 lives each one more and more twisted than the next. I scratch at the scabs perhaps that's the reason they never heal, some I've been told will never but I guess that's life right? I hate that saying 'that's life' it seems to be tied to everything bad that happens, you lose a job 'Well that's life' your boyfriend leaves you for a tramp 'I guess that's life' well my God I really don't feel that's the way it should be at all. Why can't it ever be tied to something great like "I'm having a baby!" 'Well that's life Margret' "It sure is John, it sure is."
I should be estatic, I have a family that loves me, best friends that wouldn't leave my side if I begged them to (Hillary's clingy) and a boyfriend that loves me about 5 out of 7 days of the week. This year is the worst year of my life. I've gone through so much I'm surprised I can keep my head above water, for the most part at least. I have my friends to thank for that, Hillary mainly. She's the only one who I can tell everything to and she'd never hold it over my head. She knows my deepest darkest secret and is there when I'm in self destructive mode over it. Hill never judges, or leads on to. There are times where no one is here in this entire city that I can talk to and it gets a bit rough. Its hard to know I cannot tell Thaddeus everything, but if I did I think he'd be just about as messed up as I am, yet Hill still holds onto some of her sanity.

I really don't know the meaning of this post. But I've had an extreamly hard year and I just needed to get some things off of my chest. Thaddeus threw something in my face today that made me have a horrible flash-back and an anxiety attack from hell, yeah... I don't know I guess this whole thing was kinda pointless but thank you Hillary. You're always there. Always. Thanks.

Only she really knows and understands me, we've been inseperable for damn near 14 years now and I'm lookin' foreward to another 14

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 25 June :: 2.25am

Well...

Since I just made a post about my aniversery I thought I'd like to dedicate a little somethin' somethin' to Hill and I's boys

Oh Shane, are you ready? Really ready for Hillary Joy?

Now I know around our men we try to keep ourselves lip glossed up pretty and a bit gassey in Hillary's case but when you combine Hillary and I then throw in a camera things get a bit crazy and our true selves cant help but burst out.

The product :

Annd

a bit of random bits of us

Soak it up there boys, 'cause that's really what your getting yourselves into. Be prepared. :D

2 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 24 June :: 8.38pm

Here it comes

Thaddeus' and I's 3rd Aniversery, but my God does it seem longer.

I don't know of anyone else I feel like knows me better inside and out. I can't believe it only sempt like yesterday I was turning 15 and found the man of my dreams and since then at times it can get a bit rough between us because really, its hard for me to believe that the one person that fits me perfectly - I met so young.

But hey here we are

Over all these years
He still told me that I looked beautiful when he really thought I had a horrible hair cut (that everyone else thought was adorable)

And when I told him I loved him even though at the time I wanted to rip off his mexican flesh and make him into a walking shishkabob

But I love him and there's no changing that no matter how many times he calls me an Irish-wench or I call him a half-bread bastard we always end up confiding in eachother at the end of the day.

And with all of this is why I feel so terrible

Even though I've been looking for a job I can't find money enough for our aniversery that's coming up. He's helped me so much in the past two months financially that it eats me up when I can't seem to do anything on one of the most important days of the year. I wanted to take him out and spoil him. But right now I don't know what to do.

But really lets face it theres no way he could make ironing as sexy as this girl

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 20 June :: 11.27pm

I'm running circles around my mind trying to figure out how much time I've got before these damn fines come in the mail. I feel absolutely horrible about that hole ordeal. I never ment for anyone other than myself to get into any trouble but intensions count for shit.

I might be starting a new job soon. As supervisor of Micheles. I can picture it now name tags and vests. *sigh* It'd be wonderful. I'm really hoping I get it. I have an interview for sure thank God for woman like Jan. She's such a nice woman. I'll bake her a cake to show my gratitude, even though I know Hillary and her dad will end up eating it all. :D

I'm trying to form a relationship with Gladys but she told me that God doesn't want Thaddeus and I together so I guess the whole relationship there isnt gonna happen.

3 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 12 June :: 10.23pm

Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might, have the wish I wish for some new rocket dogs.

Man, if I wasn't so flat broke right now I'd totally go out and get me some new rocket dogs. My last pair of shoes (besides my work out shoes) are ripping from the seames and it tears me apart with every stitch that comes undone. I loved those shoes, we've gone everywhere together I don't know what I'm going to do with out them. I remember the first time I saw them, sitting there like they were thinking 'Alicia, take me home we'll go places together I can see it' and being the woman I am I played hard to get. I'd go back and they were always sitting in the same spot, always looking at me that's why I aproached them I guess and its true we've been together ever since. We danced in the first summers rain when my car broke down, we'd kick the ass of anyone that made us laugh or angered us, so many nights downtown together, running and walking up and down the coblestone sidewalk. I have so many memories that I could write a novel. But unlike a novel I don't see a happy ending for my rocket dogs and I, their on life support and I am contemplating pulling the plug and moving on. Eventually I'll find new Dogs, never any like MY dogs but I think its time. The seames are coming undone.

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 10 June :: 10.22pm

So I've been trying to preoccupy myself with things lately, such as drawing, writting, singing, walking, running, driving, getting reconnected with my uncle but non of it really other than talking to my uncle has really been keeping my mind from going completely nuts. Oh and I'm thinking about protesting bras. I hate them right now. But on the other hand if I don't wear them my girls will meet my ancles and well I don't really think I'm prepared for that.

I'm still trying to figure out how my sewing machine works...not so much how it works but how to thread it. Its a complicated one the one I used awhile ago wasn't nearly as complicated. Bah stupid 2006!

Well I really have nothing of substance to write about other than my growing distaste for my sister whom thinks the world is out to get her. Her and her bable bulshit is really getting old. Sometimes I'd really like to just...Well look at me going on in this thing like I was her age. I should be above that by now. Buuut I'm not. :D

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 17 May :: 11.44pm

I celebrated my birthday today.

Finally.

It was au'some I woke up at 8am to go get my hair highlighted and cut, I love it then I went with my mom to get pampered at Sammies. Hah. It was fun. Then to the scavenger hunt to try on all of their hats and have mom tell stories about the eighties and old time dresses.
I know I'm skipping over alot of things buut I'm tired. Main point it was au'some the best birthday ever.

I really hate this golfball growth on my ovarie. I want it gone. It hurts. All the drugs in the world can't stop this pain once it gets itself goin'. Stupid ovarie I want to rip the right one out sometimes and throw it downn the garbage disposal.

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 11 May :: 10.09pm

When all you knew is gone

I've been in shut down mode and while there I've realized the people that stand unbudged from my side though they sometimes look at me with strangers eyes they stay with their feet firmly planted on the ground next to mine.
I've become quite uneasy with people lately, I could only wish that loyalties really did last forever.

Its been two weeks now.

Two weeks since I've felt the devils sting and I still haven't been able to fall into someones arms and completely let myself go. I wont cry in front of people anymore. I wont be a victim in my own home. But... It'd be amazing to know that someone would take me in and just listen and not make me feel like it was my fault or make me feel like I'm placing the weight of the world on their shoulders, so I guess I'm left alone with the burden, its really only mine anyways.

Did you know I couldn't leave the house without having someone with me?
Did you know I couldn't even get gas without making sure someone else was there to pay?
Did you know that he walked away free and I'm still laying there?

While everyone else my age is worrying about caps and gowns, or what their future career is going to be and whatnot, at the present time I'm just worried about making it through tommorow.

And then the thought comes to mind, "What did I do to deserve this? Am I really that horrible of a person?"

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 6 May :: 4.16pm

I am begining to wonder what people are thinking of me, I am just a taxi?

I feel like once I give someone an inch their friends for some reason find it theirs as well.

Danny for instance he doesn't take advantage of me in the slightest but sometimes I feel like Corey does, but that's just Corey you really need to set shit straight with him or he wont get it. But today some chic that I haven't spoken with in over a year decided that she was going to get rides out of me today. I just stared at her, like why did she think that she could do anything without asking me. She was a mooch when I knew her and I listened to the way she talked to Danny and she's mooching off of him now. Drinking his beer and stealing his smokes and taking his rides. It just pisses me off to no end. Not to mension I don't have anyone to vent to right now and its eating away at me. I really dont want to have to talk to Danny about this its hard enough for us to have a moment alone anymore. That bothers me too, we're good friends but we don't really open up much around other people. I guess I'm just going to have to talk to Danny tonight somehow. I dunno.

But really I'm not a fuckin' taxi and I made my point pretty clear today or so I thought to the fuckin' mooch, aparently not. I am going to begin to refuse people rides even if I like them because I'm not one to be walked over and I haven't really thought of becoming a welcome mat lately.

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 4 May :: 8.36am

The most terrible week of my life

In the begining of the week well yah Hill knows

After that no one would give me the day after pill, I went to every hospital in Holland nothing.

Been in extreame pain

Lost my job

So no money for food or gas, and its already been really tight the past two weeks but now I'm in the hole 45 dollars and I'm not exactly sure how to get money right now. Bah.

I hate being an adult.

Jail or no Jail that is the question

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..