My loveletter to nobody..

My loveletter to nobody..

:: 2008 2 May :: 10.04pm

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse...

Inside the examination room I layed on the very uncomfortable table to find out the blood flow to my ovaries is back to normal and the chances of me having a child again have increased...

My God

I looked at the nurse with a surprised look, I never thought so many questions and concerns could come to my mind at once but when one came so did another and another until like ten fat men trying to get through a narrow hallway at one time they came. What does this mean?

I've never been in so much physical and emotional pain in my life. And to be quite frank I don't know how to handle this. I really don't want to. I'd prefer to jump off a bridge than continue dealing with this shit right now. I can't leave my house by myself, I can't go to the gas station without thinking that somehow 'he's' going to find me, and I cannot help the undying feeling of being completely torn off from society.

I have someone sleep right outside my locked door, someone to accompany me to school, and someone to run around with. But me alone? Never.

I can't handle life like this anymore. Its driving me insane and the stomache aches and whatnot, I can hardly tolerate.

Now this is but the first week, what about the first month? How is that going to go? How can I learn to handle this?

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 22 April :: 11.54pm

I've realized that everyone around me is growing up so fast, Hillary's graduating and going to cosmo school, Abby is handling full grown boa constricters, and my little brother is saving up for a car. And with all of this growing up I feel left behind.

One day everyone is going to get married and have children and though I don't think about it much because at this present time I don't want either a husband nor a child I cannot help but think - what about me?

One day I'm going to be throwing my best friend a baby shower and helping her out with wedding plans while her fiance goes out with the boys to do manly things like drink beer and eat steak. And well... sometimes I just wish I had those sorts of things to look foreward to.

Honestly I really don't want to get married, marriage just doesn't apeal to me but one day holding my own child in my arms would be amazing... If only if only right?

So while all of my friends are grown up with families that they love and hold dear to them I'll have my thoughts and the occasional Wens. night out with the girls while their kids are at softball practice. And I'll be left behind, in an ageing neverland.

It really is funny how we take for granted everything that we have until its gone and you may never be able to get it back.

I know I go on about kids alot. But its been a topic that has presented itself to me alot over the past year. Its sad. If I could maybe just have one when I was around 32 and had things going for me then I swear I'd be more than happy. *sigh*

I know I'm all over the place, I get that way when I'm upset...Perhaps I wont even post this I really don't feel like I should burden anyone with this... But hey you kept reading right?

I swear at times I hate to be me, though I have friends and family that loves me, I feel like I don't have much of a future ahead of me. I know people say you create your own future and its true I can create my own sucess when it comes to jobs, houses, money, ect... but children, no god decided to take back that blessing a month ago. And I'm scared, what's going to happen when I'm old?

What's the fucking point anymore?

You go to work to save money for a house, to raise a family in or at least that's what I was brought up on.

Now what happens when you've got shit?

God Damnit

What's the fucking point?

2 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 14 April :: 12.34am

Who's 18? This Gurl!

Oh you have no idea how sore I am. The past three days I have a combined total of 8 hours of sleep and I love it I really really do. I went over to Dannys to celebrate the first part of my birthday we had a bitchin' time seriously we all were in quite the good moods.

*Danny and I walk out of the bathroom and girl walks in* "It smells like condoms in here!" "Your such a shit talker"

It was really funny if you were there but I really don't have the time to really explain what happend.

I showed up at 11:30ish and stayed until 4am. And I'll tell you what waking up at 7 that morning wasn't a wonderful experience.

Out for lunch with my Dad, Chrissy, and Thaddeus at Applebees and it was a-Mazing. Then to pick up my birthday cake. Theen after blowing out the candels I went back to Dannys.

After Dannys I headed over to Bizzy's house and we got ready for the club, which of course means getting completely shit faced before walking out the door. :D And I'll tell you what it was a blast. I hurt so bad right now but hey you would too after dancing all night long then getting home and finding Hypnotic and Hennysy (however you spell it) waiting for you. Oh man
So 12pm rolls around and we're all still drunk when we wake up and of course I had to go to another party which I ended up being fashonably late to. But it was fun, after my buzz died down a bit I was alright. Not that I wasn't before but it was totally obvious. Annnd Hillary and Pam showed up and totally made my freakin' day! I missed them. :D

Well that's just the jist of the past two days but hey I got to go to bed nighty night.

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

foobz

:: 2008 14 April :: 12.12am
:: Mood: bitchy

and so i lied
we are back to this now but for this time, i mean it.
cause alex has one now so i guess i kinda am obligated to - you know - write.

and keep him in line.

and i miss you all

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 10 April :: 10.19am

Who's 18 in two days? This Girl!

So the past few days have been wonderful. Keeping Hillary and I entertained wasn't nearly hard at all, we ran all over Holland, Fenville, Saugatuk, and Grandville. Picking people up and dropping people off and meeting new people, and just havin' a gay ol' time. :D

My theme this week?
'Its my birthday week and nothin's getting me down if you've got anything negative to say you can shove it up your anus'

I ordered a cake thats in the shape of a miller highlife can that says the ol' eighteen brew, and a smaller cake that's in the shape of a pack of cigs that says winningham 18 smooth. :D I do shit for shock value I swear. :D Everyones going to love it.

So on Saterday you'll be finding me in the club with a sexy couple and a mexican :D its going to be amazing. My teacher says Diversions is the best club in G.R and I totaly trust his judgement he's a crazy Cali man that wants to teach people and teach them how to party!

Ohhh

I need an eyebrow wax

Badly

No money

No place open

Damn aisans

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 4 April :: 11.29pm

Watching lord of the rings

Thaddeus: The white haired Orlando Bloom should shoot Frodo with arows and take the ring.....I love you... Lets do it hobbit style, stick it in my ear ah ah! (pretending he's Sam)

Ahahah

He's all selfconcious now that I'm posting it.

Thad: No one will get it now! I saw the way Sam was checking out Frodo skaling that mountain.....How big do you think hobits are? I wonder if you could even feel a hobbit, it'd be like naughtying someone with their knuckles.

Thad: I'ma hobbit *high voice* (puts pinky in my ear)

Baby this could all be yours

Now he's ranting about fireballs
what a weirdo

Now he's talking about pulling level 2 broad swords with firery enchant....I don't understand him sometimes...litterally but he's fun. I don't even have to say anything for him to be able to carry a conversation. :D

I'm ready to own my own dragon, I heard they started the ice age and I think that since we're getting a new one pretty quick I think I should pick one up. For warmth.

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 2 April :: 9.18pm

I'm dying my sisters hair right now and I'm praying that it wont turn out horrible. *crosses fingers* I've never dyed anyones hair like I'm doing hers so I guess we'll see I'll try to post a picture later to either announce my triumph or make fun.
Today was chock full of Guitar hero, almost to dragonforce now which is a-mazing. :D I'm pretty addicted to the game but not nearly as much as Thaddeus is, bastard made me miss my stories today. *glares*

Not much has really been going on lately except for I met a stranger that knew alot about me, so I'm doing some detective work to figure out how he managed to gain this information. What he was telling me wasn't something I go around telling alot of people about. I guess its time to bust out the fedora and trench coat, while I'm at it light up a pipe bring out my trusty chodemaster and get to the bottom of this.

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 1 April :: 10.44pm

If music be the food of love, play on
~Shakespere

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 30 March :: 9.48pm

Its time for a new tat

I've gotten what I want in my head I just need to find the perfect text

Hilly I need your help

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 28 March :: 10.16pm

Oh boy

I stink

but I'm good

Real good

Today my buddy Anthony bought me a monster and told me we'd split it but he just ended up giving it all to me SUPRISE! It made my night. :D

So I smell of pizza juice and its sick. I need to take a shower. I really really want to do something tonight but everyone has plans. Its lame.

So today I was practically kicked out of class for fighting, it didn't turn physical but it probably would have, I'll defend my friends honor to the death *puts up fists*. So that was interesting.

Alot of fighting goin' around lately last time Hillary came up to Holland she got into a fight with some ghetto mexican chick for calling her and I quote "Pale fat ass white gurl" and hill just walked casually up to her and WAM right in the kisser. That I was actually surprised about but whateve, you never know with Hillary.

*shrug*

yeah I'm pretty bored...time for a smoke break.

3 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..