xjayk
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2007 16 January :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Blue October - Into the Ocean
As my thoughts play out I'm left with the realization that my life has taken an abrupt turn. It's been taking alot of those recently. The weekend left me to my thoughts, negative ones at that. I've realized I'm exactly what I hate yet love in the same manner, and that I am no longer able to look at a child in the same way as I did before without tears swelling in my eyes and regretful memories. Like everyone has told me lately "theres absolutely nothing that could have changed" and I guess it's a true statement, but if it truely were, if there really was nothing I could have possibly done then why am I left in such agony. School has passed much slower now...thank god it wont be to long before I'm out on leave for awhile. I need to get out, I need to get away.
'If god could respond what would he say?'
I should go to bed. That is all I truely can say I do anymore. My body is shutting down while my mind is fast at work, why couldn't it be the other way around? I want to stop thinking: even if momentarily. Just stop.
1 sigh |
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2007 5 January :: 12.39am
'Hush little baby don't say a word'
Thaddeus: Baby! Baby! What baby?
Me: Uhh....
1 sigh |
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 11 December :: 7.56pm
Looking Up...
The past few days have been wonderful.
Thad and I have finally been able to see eachother. Not that we never do but if you dont count the ride to school in the morning than we haven't hung out in a long time. Working 12 hour shifts are begining to take its tole, he's been cranky and I lonely. Thank god for friends. Thats why I've made it my mission to have Hillary over as much as possible. Sometimes I cant wait for a monday to come to be able to see Brittany, Penny, Michelle, Matt, Chris and well everyone else. They keep me sane. I shouldn't complain though, Thad says he's doing this to make a better life for him and I. He says that when I move in with him he wants to make sure everythings perfect. He doesn't want to work as much when we live together so he's working as much as he can now to save for when I arrive, so he can spend some time with me I guess. So 7days a week 12hour shifts...they cant be that bad right? He still gets his morning massage from me to motivate himself, and one at night right before work. As long as he gets thoughs everyones heads will be saved from the wrath of The Almighty Thaddeus John Game'Gamez and his almighty crankieness.
Sorry this may be a bit scatterd but hell, I'm the one this site means anything to anywho. So yes.
Leesh Out
1 sigh |
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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foobz
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2006 10 December :: 8.59am
:: Mood: cranky
Uhhh
we're coming back to this now?
okie.
updated.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 21 November :: 6.10pm
:: Music: Fort Minor- Where'd You Go
I've been having a hard time lately. My mind has been packed with thousands of thoughts screaming at me all at once. Its getting harder and harder every day realizing the most important people in the world to me seem to be spiraling away, in the sence of distance. I have gotten to see Abbs and Mar its the hardest thing in the world for me, knowing when I have to leave and leaving them all together. Knowing that I wont be able to see them for a year or so while they move up to Boston, I held Abbi while she cried because she didn't want me to leave, its like that every time we part.
Thank god there is a Hillary in this world who surprised me with a heart warming letter that made me crie for like an hour. It was a good crie though. I love that girl, even though she cant say poop. : D She has always been a good one for cheering me up. She's been doing alot of that lately seeing how the majority of my friends are in jail at the moment or working 12 or more hour shifts.
This week will hopefully go better than the previous weeks, hey at least I get a break from work huh.
1 sigh |
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 27 August :: 10.21pm
Informatik- A Matter Of Time
I am very stuffy right now. I can't handle my mothers house I'm allergic to the dog so it makes for a terrible congestid situation.
I went to Thads mothers house on Friday and spent the night there with Mike Jones, Michelle DeBoer, and Thad so I had a really good time, I missed hanging out with everyone. Then Michelle Thaddeus and I went to Michelles house and crashed there around 8am. Then after dropping Michelle off at work it left Thad and I to fend for ourselves so we went to a movie and then 13th street. Later on we brought Keith, Josiah, and Michelle back to Michelles house and had a hot tub party. It was a good night despite all of the fights that happend. I hate fights, I try to distance myself from them as much as possible.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 3 August :: 6.19pm
:: Music: Zeromancer-Eurotrash
Last night was great.
I started out my night bored as hell until Michelle called and told me that she was going to be spending the night like it or not. So I quickly ran out to get some movies V for Vendeta and Tristan and Isolde a couple of my favorite movies. So when she got here we watched Tristan until we cried then it began to pour. Michelle and I looked at eachother and darted outside we were soaked in less than a minute. I can't remember the last time I ran in the rain with someone. Seeing how it was around 2ish we didn't worry about cars racing it was awesome. Then Michelle and I played Candyland, Guess Who and a little bit of Clue. I won every time in Candyland she won every game of clue with the first guess. Lucky bitch. : D
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 27 July :: 2.33am
:: Music: Eurythmics- Here comes the Rain
Just Can't Shake That Feeling
Tonight I got a terrible feeling of uncertainty and the overbearing sensation of something being pulled from me. I have the taste of tar in my mouth and a desicion that could make or destroy me is on the table and my hand is made up of a jack and a whole lot of nothing. There are always two sides to every story but what happens when the twists in your novel become repetitive and predictable. You become frustrated do you not? Do you not want to set that cheap book aside and pick up something worth your time? And while reading my new book will I not look back at the dusty book on my nightstand and wonder how it ends or would I be happy and content with my desicion?
It all feels like going to sleep with a short blanket.
Maybe after sleep and tea everything will be so much more obvious to me. Though it seems as obvious as it ever will. I'm just denying it so I can make things easier for myself. After all most of us deserve a break, a slight rest from the drama or strife in our lives. Sometimes a short cut seems like the best objective.
Still to look upon the stars again, as we did when we were young making as many wishes as we could thinking we were maping out our lives, our futures. Who knew that our wishes would collide and what we wanted the most would tear you and I apart. Funny how I thought forever was only going to be the begining for us. It looks as we both underestimated time.
The cards are layed out on the table, my honorable oponet Zeit won.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 24 July :: 11.31pm
:: Music: 5ive - When the Lights Go Out
Man the past few days have been awesome.
I pulled 3 all nighters with Michelle and partied two of the three days. Its good to see old friends, you see I haven't seen Keith in forever so we partied over there sadly it didn't last long because the cops showed up. Downloaded so much music it was nuts, I love Michelle for that she can spit out old songs you remember dancing in 20th st. Kitchen with Hill. We're planning on at least once a week for a 'girls night' basicly doing whatever the hell we feel like. Usually movies and popcorn music and cruising.
I might be getting my license soon. Or at least be signed up for the second sesion. My mom said it would just make everyones life easier. Which I agree. No more having to wake up Thad if I have to take Chrissy to my moms and my dad was at work. Or having Becca or Rach drive me everywhere.
Now a tribute song to my love Michelle for rekindling my love for this song the other day
(Yeah, like that)
(You know what I mean)
(You're looking kinda fly tonight girl)
(What's up)
(Check it)
Baby when the lights go out
I'll show you what it's all about
(Coming at you girl, you know you like this girl)
(Here we go) (Check it)
I ain't sorry for the way I feel
I know you think I'm being insincere
From the way I'm treating you
I never wanted to be so unkind
The only one thing on my mind
Is just kicking it with you girl
Baby it's not the way I feel
You know you must believe me
Baby it's not part of the deal (oh no no)
Baby when the lights go out
Every single word can not express
The love and tenderness
I'll show you what it's all about
Babe I swear you will succumb to me
So baby come to me
When the lights go out
(Yeah, check it) (Check it out, second verse girl)
I know you think it may be just a lie
Ain't no use in putting up a fight
Cos my heart is set on you
I see the truth, it's in your eyes
I ain't fooled by your thin disguise
I can see I'm getting through babe
Girl don't deny the way you feel
You know you've gotta trust me
Give me a chance to prove I'm real
(oh yeah yeah)
Baby when the lights go out
Every single word can not express
The love and tenderness
I'll show you what it's all about
Babe I swear you will succumb to me
So baby come to me
When the lights go out
Every single word can not express
The love and tenderness
I'll show you what it's all about
Babe I swear you will succumb to me
So baby come to me
When the lights go out
It's a blackout girl the lights are off
I can feel you gettin' closer now take your clothes off
Your body looks so soft in between the sheets I lay you down
Girl I wanna knock your socks off
knock your blocks off girl I'm down for whatever
There are few things that are forever
Like you in my life girl that's all that I need to get by
Time to break it down cos you're makin me high
(Yeah, I like that)
(So what's up, check it)
Baby when the lights go out
Every single word can not express
The love and tenderness
I'll show you what it's all about
Babe I swear you will succumb to me
So baby come to me
When the lights go out
(Repeat until fade)
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 21 July :: 9.09pm
:: Music: Darude-Next to You
I don't have any clue why I'm posting this shit
I've had Michelle over at the house for the past couple days now I'm off to her house soon, well her work then to her house. Hopefully we just get changed and go to a party she was talking about. I guess she wanted to go to the one Thads goin' to tonight but the guys are weird and its an "only guy thing" wich for them would be considerd gay. I'm really hoping to go tonight though, I haven't done that much in a long time (party wise) so it would be a good time for me to get back out there with my old buddys, Keith, Billy, Jeff, Dany ect..
I'm begining to hate my laptop because whenever I want to leave someone a comment it adds a bunch of crap. Which explains the lack of comments, its just imbarasing.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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