xjayk
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2006 13 May :: 6.38pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Blue October - Hate Me
Well, no parade this year. I didn't get to go since I was out of town. No cook-out either. I didn't feel like sitting around and feeling out of place. So Thaddeus went over to Ryan and Gregs. I hope they all have fun. Another reason why I didn't want to go is because I didn't have any friends there. Michelle had to work and that would have ment that I would have been stuck with Kimber. Now I don't have a huge problem with her but she finds the need somewhere in her nonexistant soul to talk about me; even though she has only met me about 5 times. Whatever.
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Hate me today, Hate me tomarrow, Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
3 sighs |
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 7 May :: 7.06pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Mudvayne: Happy
If you tie a rope to tight does it not break?
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 4 May :: 7.34pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: Deadstar Assembly-Breath for Me
Breathe For Me
by Deadstar Assembly
album: Deadstar Assembly (2004)
Listen to
Listen to me
I need you
A disaster's waiting to happen
These are the things I can't see through
When I'm saddened
It's not me
It's not me
Just give me some room to breathe
Or breathe for me
Breathe for me
Is this what it's about
I've reached for the strength to hold out
I'm leaving
The tears keep burning my eyes
And I have lost the strength to keep this alive
It's not me
It's not me
Just give me some room to breathe
Or breathe for me
Breathe for me
Breathe for me
I can't explain what I feel
But I know it's for real
Don't let me go back down
It's not me
It's not me
Just give me some room to breathe
Or breathe for me
Its not me
Its not me
Just give me some room to breathe
Or breathe for me
Or breathe for me
I've had a rough day...and I wish you could be here
The funny thing is...why should I ask you to be here
when I don't want to be here myself
1 sigh |
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 15 April :: 10.35pm
:: Mood: mellow
I can recall countless times starring into the reflective object placed in almost a mocking way in front of me. Matters not how long I look in, it could be a split second when raised the question what is that? What significance does it have? Is it me, or is it a figure one creates that portrays who or what one is supposed to be considering what the impression of the person in the mindset of one who’s looking.
I thought I knew but perhaps I’m only beginning to get a glimpse of what I am, what the creature in the mirror is. I cannot understand what is running through my mind at times to bring such negativity at one point then at another time so careless.
The mirror is neither friend nor fiend, but when I look I see something new every time. Part of the learning process perhaps. Also it leaves me to ponder if anyone else experiences this lack of knowledge of ones self.
Is the answer eluding me, or am I eluding the answer I’m looking for?
I want the answer to who I am. How can I tell though? I can see who I want to be, but is it the mirror that is showing me just how far I still have to go to reach the point in my life I want to exceed in?
Perhaps I think too much on simple things. Now that I’ve raised these questions I believe it’s time I start searching. I see what I want to be only through your eyes but getting to stay there permanently. Without needing you there and having me as my only support. That’s what I need, to find myself without anyone telling me what I should be looking for or what I should do, I need to find it on my own.
1 sigh |
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 10 April :: 10.23pm
Today after school was better than usual
Instead of the usual hangout trying to figure out what we were going to do we actually had an idea
We went to the 8 Ball to play some pool. Keep in mind I haven't played in years. We played some 9 ball and guess who won 6 games? Me!
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 8 April :: 11.37pm
Well
The night started out terrible
Then I went to the first party at Amanda's and had a wonderful time with skip-bo and ice cream
Second party started out very hectic, walking 6 blocks for cups then another 4 to figure out why my boyfriend left me. That of which I'm still not sure of.
I have a tremendous amount of presure constantly put on me. Unlike Thaddeus whom is loved by all of my friends and my family, my situation is the exact oposite. It kills but there are some things I'm just going to have to deal with. After all I really shouldn't worry about them anywhoo, I'm not wearing their ring on my finger. I guess I should look at it that way. It didn't stop Thad from 'poping the question' now did it? Still it is hard to think that way when you are in the present situation.
I guess I'll see what tomarrow may bring.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 4 April :: 12.09am
:: Mood: content
Well I've gotten everything sorted out.
I'm looking forward to tomarrow morning. I love to wake in the arms of my love, though we have troubles at times like every other couple doesn't mean it will change what I feel twoards him.
I do love Thaddeus, with every inch in me I suppose I worry to much. But I have every reason to. Seeing him practicly die once over the very thing he wants to do most, well it can really mess up a person. Now I have a terrible fear of booze, and fear of losing him to it.
If I've learned one thing from Thaddeus throughout our relationship other than he's dependable, caring, and clumsy, but that when he does something he tends to overdue.
Well I'm off to talk with a dear friend of mine. I wish she were here. *sigh* Its been to long. And I'm afraid it will be long before I see her once again.
1 sigh |
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 31 March :: 6.27pm
:: Mood: aggravated
Thank god for Michelle
If she wouldn't have been at my house today to keep my from losing the rest of my sanity
Someone would have found Thaddeus in my backyard
....or at least parts of him
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2006 11 March :: 10.30am
:: Mood: annoyed
Well.
It seems our plans didn't quite work out huh?
My plans were to go hang out with Thaddeus and Michelle at Paint a Pot then go to a movie theen to Felt Mansion.
We began to paint our pots and laughing at the fact it was a friday night we're all young and we're in a pottery studio. It sempt like it was all alright until Thad looked at the clock and said that the movie was going to start soon. Michelle and I both agreed that we could go to the next showing, but that wasn't good enough "it was supposed to be a whole "friend" thing." Completely being a buzz kill I looked at Michelle then back at Thad and told him he should leave. Seeing how now he was increadably annoying with the look of disappointment both me and Michelle felt really quilty. So he leaves at 7 and doesn't come back til' sometime after nine. Yeah we were both irretated he left in the first place, knowing neither of us had a phone but I try to look at it as if it was just a nice jesture by me to let him leave. That way really I can only blame myself. Well when he finally arrived he complained about how nobody was there at the movies but he decided to watch it anyway and then we were no longer able to go to the Mansion. Why? I have no fucking idea. My whole night was shot to hell. Thanks to Michelle I retained a little bit of the sanity I had but this kind of dissapointment happens all to often.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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