as breathe by breathe, I suffocate

:: 2007 14 May :: 9.01pm

Sometimes a life of alcoholism and drug abuse just looks so much more glamorous.

:: 2007 9 May :: 8.55pm

So there was this woman and she was on an airplane, and she was flying to meet her fiance seaming high above the largest ocean on planet earth. She was seated next to this man she had tried to start conversations, but the only thing she had really heard him say was to order his Bloody Mary. She was sitting there and she was reading this really arduous magazine article about a third world country that she couldn't even pronounce the name of. And she was feeling very bored and despondent. And then suddenly there was this huge mechanical failure and one of the engines gave out, and they started just falling thirty-thousand feet, and the pilots on the microphone and he's saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh my god... I'm sorry" and apologizing. And she looks at the man and says "Where are we going?" and he looks at her and he says "We're going to a party. It's a birthday party. It's your birthday party. Happy birthday darling. We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much." And then he starts humming this little tune, it kind of goes like this: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

We must talk in every telephone
Get eaten off the web
We must rip out all the epilogues in the books that we have read
And in the face of every criminal
Strapped firmly to a chair
We must stare, we must stare, we must stare

We must take all of the medicines too expensive now to sell
Set fire to the preacher who is promising us hell
And in the ear of every anarchist that sleeps but doesn't dream
We must sing, we must sing, we must sing

It'll go like this:

While my mother waters plants
My father loads his guns
He says death will give us back to God
Just like this setting sun is returned to this lonesome ocean

And then they splashed into the deep blue sea
It was a wonderful splash

We must blend into the choir
Sing as static with the whole
We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul
And in this endless race for property and privilege to be won
We must run, we must run, we must run

We must hang up in the belfry
Where the bats and moonlight laugh
We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past
And in the caverns of tomorrow
With just our flashlights and our love
We must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge

And then we'll get down there, way down to the very bottom of everything
And then we'll see it, oh we'll see it, we'll see it, we'll see it

Oh my morning's coming back
The whole world's waking up
All the city buses swimming past
I'm happy just because
I found out I am really no one

:: 2007 6 May :: 8.17am

Well, I finally figured out a realistic future for myself that I would enjoy.

Go to college, major in Japanese, go teach English in Japan for the rest of my life.

If I decided to come back to America, I could easily come teach Japanese =)

If nothing else I'd be a lot happier in a country of 130mil where only 1.4mil are christians.

:: 2007 3 May :: 8.41pm

If you wonder why I always post song lyrics, it's because I lack the poetic ability to describe my own feelings properly.

i spent a week drinking the sunlight of winnetka, california
where they understand the weight of human hearts
you see sorrow gets too heavy and joy it tends to hold you
with the fear that it eventually departs.
and the truth is i've been dreaming of some tired, tranquil place
where the weather won't get trapped inside my bones
and if all the years of searching find one sympathetic face
then its there i will plant these seeds and make my home
i spent a day dreaming of dying in mesa, arizona
where all the green of life had turned to ash
and i felt i was on fire, with the things i could have told you
i just assumed that you eventually would ask
and i wouldn't have to bring up my so badly broken heart
and all those months i just wanted to sleep
and though spring, it did come slowly, i guess it did its part
my heart has thawed and continues to beat
i visited my brother on the outskirts of olympia
where the forest and the water become one
and we talked about our childhood, like a dream we were convinced of, that
perfect peaceful street where we came from
and i know he heard me strumming all those sad and simple chords
as i sat inside my room so long ago
and it hurts that he's still shaking from those secrets that were told by a
car closed up too tight and a heart turned cold
and i went to san diego
the birthplace of the summer
and watched the ocean dance under the moon
and there was a girl i knew there, one more potential lover
i guess that something's got to happen soon
because i know i can't keep living in this dead or dying dream
and as i walked along the beach and drank with her
i thought about my true love, the one i really need
with eyes that burn so bright, they make me pure
they make me pure
they make me pure
i long to be with you
they make me pure
they make me pure
i long to be with you

:: 2007 17 April :: 9.31pm

I'm Jen's Bitch.

:: 2007 12 April :: 7.42pm

Take me out tonight
Where theres music and theres people
And theyre young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I havent got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and i
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please dont drop me home
Because its not my home, its their
Home, and Im welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I dont care
I dont care, I dont care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought oh god, my chance has come at last
(but then a strange fear gripped me and i
Just couldnt ask)

Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I dont care
I dont care, I dont care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I havent got one, da ...
Oh, I havent got one

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Oh, there is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out

:: 2007 11 April :: 9.27pm

You are so self-centered, the entire fucking world revolves around you.

I mean, I love you, but you need to get the fuck over yourself.

:: 2007 11 April :: 7.53pm

"The City Has Sex"

the city has sex with itself i suppose
as the concrete collides, the scenery grows
and the lonely once bandaged lay fully exposed
having undressed their wounds for each other
and there is a boy in a basement with a four track machine
he's been strumming and screaming all night, down there
the tape hiss will cover the words that he sings
but then they say it's better to bury your sadness
in a graveyard or garden that waits for the spring to awake from its sleep
and burst into green
and i've cried and you would think i would be better for it
but the sadness just sleeps and it stays in your spine
for the rest of my life
and i've learned and you'd think i'd be something more now,
but it just goes to show it is not what you know
its what you were thinking at the time.
this feeling's familiar, i've been here before
in a kitchen this quiet i waited for a sign or just something
that might reassure me of anything close to meaning or motion
(with a reason to move)
i need something i want to be close to
and i scream, but i still don't know why i do it
because the sound never stays it just swells and decays
so what is the point?
why try to fight what is now so certain?
the truth is all that i am is a passing event that will be forgotten.

:: 2007 8 April :: 8.50pm

we'll never have to listen to anyone
about anything
cause it's all been done
and it's all been said
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

:: 2007 6 April :: 9.46pm

i dreamt of a fever,
one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart.
with heat to melt these frozen tears and burned with reasons
as to carry on.
into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow
but i swear that i would follow anything
if it would just get me out of here.
and so you get six months to adapt
and then you get two more to leave town.
in the event that you do adapt we still might not want you around.
and i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that that is impossible now.
and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
because i just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight
i give myself three days to feel better
or i swear i'll drive right off a fucking cliff
because if i can't make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
because i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright
its going to be alright, yeah you worry too much kid,
its going to be alright.

2 Black Roses | Scream the Sorrow..

:: 2007 28 March :: 10.03pm

I just feel like everything's passing me by, like I'm not really here, I feel so empty.

:: 2007 25 March :: 3.52pm

I know I say that I'm just fine, but I hope you wonder from time to time.

:: 2007 25 March :: 10.30am

I'm so full of love it deeply sickens me.

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:: 2007 19 March :: 1.22pm

:: 2007 4 March :: 11.32pm

Two pills just weren't enough.
The alarm clock's going off but you're not waking up.
This isn't happening.
It is.

:: 2007 4 March :: 10.31pm

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

:: 2007 28 February :: 9.22pm

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did i that day

All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

:: 2007 14 February :: 10.56pm

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

:: 2007 12 February :: 9.31pm

I found a letter that said:
"I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down,"
You'd think I'd ought to be used to that by now.
Save for a few of those late night episodes,
Missed opportunities, and "I Don't Cares,"
There's not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about.

I'll have my brother stop by this Saturday to pick up my things,
Just make sure you're not there.
This may sound bad, and don't take it the wrong way..
I love you, however,
You hold me down [x4]

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
How will I break the news to you? [x2]

Cancel our dinner with Max and Coraline,
feed Jacky's gerbil and try to stay clean.
We'll talk it over after I've had some time alone to sort it out.
You hold me down [x4]

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..
How will I break the news to you? [x5]

:: 2007 6 February :: 7.38pm

Oh how I wish I could disappear

:: 2007 18 January :: 8.05pm

The best laid plans of both mice and men can go terribly wrong.

And they probably will.

:: 2007 6 January :: 11.22pm

I love this site.

It's hardly used by my fellow spokanites anymore, so I don't have to worry about posting how I'm feeling and shit.

That's what I hate about myspace blogs, too many people are on my friend list and some of the things I want to say I just don't want them reading.

:: 2007 6 January :: 3.06pm

I got rid of all my old entries.

I looked back at them, thought about them, and the end result was a personal catharsis.

2 Black Roses | Scream the Sorrow..

chocolatemilk

:: 2006 5 December :: 9.18pm

you still exist?

HA!

[sorry about that, nathan]

2 Black Roses | Scream the Sorrow..

:: 2005 18 August :: 10.53am

Admit it. This site is dead.

chocolatemilk

:: 2005 28 July :: 8.23pm

Umm...Delete?

cliiiick

:: 2005 20 July :: 5.52pm

Words of wisdom.
You havent lived life at all until you've played FROLF with complete strangers.

:: 2005 27 June :: 1.37am
:: Mood: Lost

What would you do if you found out someone so close to you went through so much and you knew nothing? What if your privacy was invaded and people knew things you hoped they would never know? What if the people you turn to don't know the answers? What would you do if you realized what road your heading down? What would you do if the people you loved were already on that road? What would you do if life seemed pointless all over again?
What am I doing?

:: 2005 21 June :: 3.32pm

ALEX-
PLEASE BRING THE HARD COPY OF THE MOVIE TO TORI'S!

TORI-
QUIT FREAKING OUT, YOUR PARTY WILL BE AWESOME!

MANDY-
CAN YOU GIVE ME A RIDE TO TORI'S?

NORA-
QUIT DICKING AROUND AND FINISH PACKING SO YOU CAN GO TONIGHT YOU ROMANIAN WHOREFACE!

:: 2005 20 June :: 2.41pm

Alex-
I can't find your number. Please call me about the movie!