joslyn_julia
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2011 17 November :: 3.34pm
what do you do when neither leaving or staying are the answer? I feel pushed into a corner and my friends and family are having to tell me they can't keep hearing the same thing but I don't have the answer to change it.
I feel lost.
bows
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allyson
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2011 14 November :: 10.03pm
I forgot to write yesterday. Jared was home and we stayed up and played gears 3, and then I was exhausted and fell asleep.
We didn't do much yesterday. I went to Meijer with Autumn. First time in a while that I've been to the store (2nd time to meijer since august). I need to go to fields fabrics to get some material for a tag blanket and a matching baby blanket for a gift. I don't remember what else we did.. Oh, we had culver's for lunch and Autumn went with Jared to go and get it. That's about it. Callie's been sleeping like crap lately. waking and crying often. It's tiring. I hope she gets over it soon. I think I'm going to have to start waking up at 8 am all the time. Because callie wakes up at 8 am on the dot every morning. No matter what. Oh well. I guess I'll have to make myself be a morning person.
bows
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allyson
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2011 14 November :: 9.39pm
Baby why you wanna cry?
You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes
We're gonna do what lovers do
We're gonna have a fight or two
But I ain't ever changing my mind
Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?
I wouldn't last a single day
I'd probably just fade away
Without you I'd lose my mind
Before you ever came along
I was living life all wrong
The smartest thing I ever did was make you all mine
Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman, come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?
Like crazy, girl
Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like
Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?
Like crazy
Crazy girl
Like crazy
Crazy girl
bows
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allyson
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2011 12 November :: 11.12pm
I decided yesterday that I was going to start writing in here everyday. Just to keep a journal and record of even the most boring things I do.
Today started out with callie waking up at around 730.norther jared out I was ready to get out of bed so we put her in bed with us and she confined to talk to her self quietly while I laid next her her with eyes closed for 15 more minutes. I finally got up and brought her downstairs. Gave her some milk and changed her while we waited for sister to wake up.autumn of course wanted mama cereal and the baby had an egg and some sweet potato puffs. Daddy wakes up at around 930. He goes to the store and takes callie with him. They pick up pictures at walmart and go to meijer. while they are gone autumn and I do some glitter crafts and play out side.it was so nice out today.sunny and warm...especially in the sun. We had lunch and then just putted around while jared put up the new and kitchen light. By that time it was almost dinner time. So I heated the oven and baked some chicken and potatoes and autumn and I made some chocolate chip cookies too. Speaking of...I'm hungry.... I'm going to go eat...
bows
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allyson
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2011 10 November :: 11.55pm
My whole life there has only been one thing Ive known I have always wanted. To feel beautiful. And still to this day I have yet to feel that way.
bows
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tuwang
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2011 9 November :: 4.09pm
Started redoing the resume I lost when my old lappy blew up. It's been a pain in the ass recalling some of the information I had but hopefully it shouldn't be too much longer and I'll be able to get my foot in the door somewhere.
Not sure where to start but D.C. is apparently where it's at for my field so... good luck to me I guess.
1 Rain |
bows
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moomoo
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2011 5 November :: 9.27am
Dear Woohu, BOYS FUCKING SUCK! I guess some things wiill never change no matter how old you get.
1 Rain |
bows
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allyson
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2011 27 October :: 12.07am
Wow it's been long. I have a few posts about Callie Mae... but I just wrote them.. like with a paper and pencil! OMG! haha Anyways. She's a whole year old. I've missed... a lot lately. I've been so sick. No one understands how I feel. But I thought of it today. Imagine have the flu, yes the diarrhea upset stomach achey tired flu... for 9 weeks straight. That's how I felt and still feel. It's very hard for me to do anything without having to run to the bathroom. Recently I've had an upset stomach that comes and goes and has made me lose my appetite. So much that.. I'm down to 89 lbs. I'm 5'4 and 89 lbs.. I look.. horrible. I feel horrible. I feel like a horrible parent. I can't do things with my kids. I missed autumn's first day of school, I haven't been able to go for walks all summer or go to the park, Autumn's halloween party is tomorrow, as well as dr appointment and "family" pictures that I won't be attending are friday, I did however make it through autumn's birthday and Callie's without too many episodes. I didn't feel good.. but I made it through. Callie has started walking from the couch to the table and to the wall willingly... but won't walk any further even though she can. (she walked 22+ steps the other night). She still have beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes... she loves her sister and her daddy.. and even me too!
Ugh, I can't believe I missed so much. I just have to take each day.. one step at a time. I can't believe I've been sick so long.. with no answers. Hopefully soon.
Prayers are needed.
1 Rain |
bows
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joslyn_julia
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2011 25 September :: 6.34pm
sometimes people really irritate me. scratch that. my friends really irritate me. you try to do something to make sure they get what the want and they just get all pissy about it. so stupid.
bows
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kandy
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2011 31 August :: 1.04am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Futurama is on TV
... Life
So... here I am 25, divorced, one degree, still in school, working part time at a shitty job that I have no future at, going in for surgery in 2 weeks. I have hip dysplasia. This is why I've had hip pain for 5 years now. I'm gonna go in and willingly let them cut/break my pelvis in three spots, put pins in, repair tears in the labrum, realign/position things, and maybe even do something to the head of my femur. I'm absolutely terrified. I know Ryan will be by my side through it all. But still. I hate having to rely so much on other people. I've been let down by so many, it's hard to put complete trust in them. I'm scared the pain will be more than I can handle. Scared that even after recovery that I'll be .... disabled.... more so than I am now. Right now most of the pain can be handled by codeine. Taken often but still. And I wonder if I'll end up having to have the same thing done to my other hip..... And I'm in the ending point of my second degree this one for Veterinary Technology. *I yell/say fluffy whenever I see a dog... heh Ry and I will be out playin disc golf and i see one and go fluffy and ruin everyone concentration and such* I have to go to Detroit for the procedure since he's the only Dr in the state that does em. I'll be down there for about a week. And I realized tonight that my parents will too, so I wonder who will take care of my pup. I have asked the hunny to take care of her while I'm gone and he might. I need him there that first day. I'm going to be a wreck. He's my rock. My sanity. My everything. I don't understand it, we're opposites but he's my everything. He knows me better than I do myself. He's not always what I want, but he's always what I need. He encourages me, pushes me, spoils me, pampers me, he's my world. In the last year... he's become my life. I know this surgery is supposed to help. But I'm scared of being more disabled than I am now, of anesthesia not working like it should, of having more pain after recovery than I do now, of the whole surgery being ... botched. I try not to think of these things but as the day gets ever so close it's hard not to. I try to sleep at night and all I can picture is them taking the scalpel to my groin and being able to feel it and see the blood. Its so vivid I almost want to cry. And this is so hard to explain to people. Its just like it'll be ok, just don't think about it. Well... fuck... this is going to happen, the surgery, how can I not think about how it might go wrong?!? I'm 25 and this isn't normal!!! I've never wanted to be normal on the outside... but now that I'm older and have been having joint issues for 5 years... I want to live one day in some one else's body and see what it's like to live without aches and pains. I have had days I can't even pick my right foot up more than 6-8 inches because of the pain. Not to mention stairs... i have to do a flight ... well like 20ish stairs at Ry's... I can handle that usually, some days it's difficult. Not to mention hills :( I love to disc golf. I've been doing it for a year and haven't had an ace. Got close about 3 times at old farm though. But I can't walk hole 10 cause of the hill, sometimes I have to stop at 9 cause the walking is just too much. Fucking hate it. Makes me feel pathetic. Ry is such a strong person. Emotionally and physically. I wish I were more like him. He makes me want to be better. But I feel like I hold him back when I can't do stuff like that. He understands and never makes me feel bad about it, never complains about it. Offers to carry me when I'm in pain. I keep telling him I'm waiting till after surgery to take him up on that. Well ... I'm gonna stop for now. I'm going to keep updating more.. This will be my "recovery" journal. So if you want to hear my story... listen.. if not thats fine too. I just need a place to vent thats not my bf and won't get annoyed after awhile.
bows
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tuwang
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2011 28 August :: 10.59am
today should be interesting.
It's time to get it together.
bows
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tuwang
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2011 28 August :: 10.59am
today should be interesting.
It's time to get it together.
bows
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joslyn_julia
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2011 4 August :: 11.34am
:: Music: Foster the People- Pumped up Kicks
Granted I am not a parent but i am pretty well fed up with watching others have constant issues with their kids and when it's just me and the kids there aren't problems.
Currently, mike has his work partner and her husband and 2 toddlers in our 1 bedroom. For starts... not fucking cool. For seconds... get the fuck out of my apartment with your screaming brats for the day. Pretty sure I said clear as day to get the hell out of here today because i can't fucking deal with it.... so why the fuck are you making them nap an hour and a half or 2 hours after they woke up?
I'm fed up with others. I need solace and confinement with the only noise being the noise I put on via music -- IF I want it. I have freelance work to do and I keep finding myself pulled into watching/ helping with the kids.
Please just go away.
----- edit-----
Apparently I scared the crap out of the dad because now (at 1:11 pm) they are going to the beach- finally. And he keeps trying to make the kids be quiet because I am blaring music and have not had anything to do with them all day.
who says flipping out doesn't work. At least I've finally been able to do some work.
--double edit---
what kind of 26/ 27 yr old goes and tattles to his younger wife that i told him to get out of the apartment for the day? "talks" tonight supposedly... but i think there are some freeloaders who need to buck up and live in the real world.
bows
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joslyn_julia
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2011 2 August :: 10.42am
why do i find myself never able to trust?
bows
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joslyn_julia
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2011 1 August :: 2.04pm
Sometimes it feels as though my emotions are cyclic. The same pings and pangs to my emotions with a different day, different person.... but really it's all the same.
I'm bored with life, and now when i am wanting to do something for myself I am stuck. It did a lot of good to make car payments for the last 5 years just to have the car want to blow up now. with 5 payments left. In fact if it weren't for the money we have sank into it I would just tell the bank to take the damn car, but alas november it will be paid off and perhaps then we can fix it. but it doesn't do me a shred of good now.
As far as design goes, i am doing some freelance, and having some possible good things appear to be happening. I'm excited and scared all at once. All I can hope is that things will work out.
bows
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