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2005 30 November :: 6.03 pm
Finnaly got another message from her. She's just saving money from her cell phone cause her parents got rather pissed from that high phone bill. I understand. I miss her alot and I feel like I'm alone again. I am alone, she's with me in my mind but not here when I need to talk to her. I don't blame her, but it just sucks.
I really hope time passes fast and I'll get to see her again. Untill that time I gotta keep up in school. They really threw me in the deep. 4 projects at once. I don't think I'm gonna be able to twist this into a happy end. But I'll try. And I even fail at that...
At 7 PM I'm gonna visit my mom again in the mental carecenter. Last time they had this shitty karaoke, that sucked. I hope it's just quiet now.
Life really stinks. All I did the rest of the day was play World of Warcraft and chat with someone on MSN. Oh yeah, and I skipped school. Eventhough I am 20, where is my mom, where is my dad? I never really had a youth. It was always full of crap. Nothing really ever went good. I guess that's why I do not wanna grow up. I wish I could do it all over again. Or just quit now and be in Heaven.
I really really want my life to be fun. I wanna live together with Gaby in a nice place. Where we can have what we want. A new home.
2 YA RLY! |
O RLY? |
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2005 23 November :: 9.28 pm
Some day she'll forget about me. She start sending less messages and e-mails every week. One month passes, 2 e-mails, another month passes, no e-mails. 2 monts pass....a year passes...still nothing.
She'll forget bout me. I'm just a burden to her holding her back. I feel worthless. I'm a mess. My mom told me bout some girl who tried to kill herself and jumped infront of the train but only got her feet ran off. She said it could happen to anyone...killing themself that is. And I was thinking bout Gaby. I never told my mom Gaby once tried to kill herself. I was thinking I go through quite some shit. But people say I have it good. They say my life is nice. What do they know. Don't talk bout my life as if its yours. Fuck you if you say my life is nice. It pisses me off.
O RLY? |
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2005 23 November :: 12.47 am
:: Music: Bloodhound Gang - The Roof is on Fire
Let the motherfucker burn.
Me that is. Just let me burn.
Cause Gaby messaged me so much with her cellphone, her phone bill got pretty big. Now she probably isn't gonna message me as much anymore. Which sucks ass cause I really like her messages alot. I need them. I mean I need everything I hear from her. I need her.
Am I who I think I am. In that case I'm just a piece of shit. What am I supposed to do. Just wait?... Always waiting and waiting... I'm tired of waiting. Why the fuck do I gotta wait this long?! To show that I really want her? I DONT NEED TO WAIT FOR THAT!!! I just want her.
Fuck it, kill me already.
O RLY? |
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2005 22 November :: 4.40 pm
Default - It only hurts
Can hold my breath only for a little while,
'til reality starts sinking in,
once again I'm settling for second best,
turn the page and skip to the end,
to where I swore that I would try,
since the last time,
I crossed that line in the back of my mind, I know
It only hurts when your eyes are open,
lies get tossed and truth is spoken.
It only hurts when that door gets open,
dreams are lost and hearts are broken.
Miles away promise from a burning bed,
two worlds should never collide.
One word would end it if you ever heard,
tear the page out that reminds me,
when i swore that I'd be strong.
Now the next time has come and gone,
well maybe I'm wrong, I know
It only hurts when your eyes are open,
lies get tossed and truth is spoken.
It only hurts when that door gets open,
dreams are lost and hearts are broken.
I know what your feeling,
it's hard to believe in someone,
someone who's not there.
I know that your waiting,
cause love is worth saving,
but only for so long, so long, so long.
I swore that I would try
since the last time,
the last time.
It only hurts when your eyes are open,
lies get tossed and truth is spoken.
It only hurts when that door gets open,
dreams are lost and hearts are broken.
It only hurts when your eyes are open,
lies get tossed and truth is spoken.
It only hurts when that door gets open,
dreams are lost and hearts are broken.
O RLY? |
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2005 21 November :: 6.36 pm
:: Music: Default - It only hurts.mp3
Why does she like me if no one ever likes me? From all the people she's the only one who likes me...why? I'm not nice, I'm not funny, I'm not even there with you. Why why why.
I hate me. I'm not nice. I'm a total asshole. This afternoon at school, some ass had on his msn and had a girl on the webcam. So when he turned the cam at me I just put up my finger. Fuck it.
Some dumb dutch bitch on the other side. Who cares.
The weather today made me just sickly depressed. I really felt, still kinda feel like dying. I know Gaby is there in India, waiting for to come home again. But she isn't here. It's bad. It sucks. It feels terrible. I just wanna die you know. She'd probably be better of without me aswell. She's fucking pretty, she could have had way more boyfriend's then just me. Why do you even like me, I'm dirt. So worthless. Sure she'd be sad if she found out that I'm dead, but then she'll forget bout me and move on with her life. She'd be more free, she wouldnt have to spend money on me anymore, she wouldn't have to miss me anymore, she wouldnt have to worry bout me being happy or not. What good things do I give her? I just keep her down, she could be amazing. She could be someone important, popular. But I just hold her back...
I'm a fucking idiot.... I should never have said that I loved you... then you wouldn't be stuck with me now... what have I done...
O RLY? |
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2005 20 November :: 7.52 pm
 |
HO-LY-SHIT! Just 4 words "Oh my fucking God". If this movie was gonna be more exciting I'd be shiting my pants in 10 different colors!!! From beginning till the end this movie was fenominal. I'd scale it a 9 out of 1-10.
I'm glad I'd get to watch this movie. That was something I really did not wanna miss. |
O RLY? |
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2005 20 November :: 12.29 am
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Bruce Willis playing Hartigan. I wish I was him in that movie. I wish I could have his life. The movie was nice. I liked to watch it. Wished it could last longer. He saved her when she was 11. She loved him. 8 years later shes 19 and she still loves him. He saved her again. The only way to make sure she stays save. He kills himself. Giving up her. It was meant to be. It was perfect.
I'd kill myself for you Gaby if it would help you. Anything for you. My love of my life.
Madagascar was rather boring in the beginning but as soon as they get stranded on the island, I was laughing my ass off. This was one of the better comdies I've seen in a while. Laughing is good. Keeps you healthy =D |
O RLY? |
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