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'How can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you.'

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JediBumblebee

:: 2003 20 May :: 12.53am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: RHCP- Can't Stop

The world I love, the tears I drop...To be part of the wave, can't stop....Choose not a life of imitation..
i'm getting the feeling that something's missing. i'm just not satisfied with anything the way it is right now..

i talked to kal and he helped me sort through a bit of it. but it doesnt mean that i know how to fix it.

i've just wandered through a week of my life feeling like I don't matter. I don't feel like I have a significant impact on anything.

I wish I knew how to change that.

1 Fey | Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 18 May :: 11.42pm

Well she wants to live her life
Then she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I don't really wanna live this life

Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 16 May :: 6.47pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Centro-Matic- The Execution of Sixty-Odd Drummers

If you could look with your eyes and not so much with your hands...
so...much to my discontent, my email address WILL be changing....right now i do believe it will be jedibumblebee@hotmail.com but i still have to be able to access my old email to pull all of my old addresses and emails out of it. sigh, grumble, grumble.....

kal dyed my hair again today (thank you kal!) and it actually looks darn good if i can say it myself. downside being that i nearly blacked out AGAIN while he was doing it.. its getting to be a bit alarming. but i go to the doctor on thursday to see why my head's been freaking out on me.

i hate it when plans dont work out. i've had too many plans broken lately.

need to write a seven page paper on Indira Gandhi by tuesday. wish me luck. (did you know that she's not related to Mahatma Ghandi? i didnt figure that out until a few days ago)

and a party at nick's house tonight...how do i feel about this? i dont know. i may go. i may stop in. i may freak out and stay home and sleep instead. i have really not done much of anything today, and it feels good.

3 FeyBebop | Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 16 May :: 2.52am

my fucking email is broken, again, it has been ALL day...so if anyone has any ideas for a new address, or at LEAST a reliable host for new email, let me know. at least i'll stop getting those pesky emails about eliminating my debt, getting free prescription medications, and enlarging my penis.

7 FeyBebop | Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 13 May :: 11.27pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Pretenders- Stand By You

So if you're mad, get mad...don't hold it all inside...
really, all I want is confirmation.

waiting for a phone call...one way or the other.

i ought to be in bed.

Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 12 May :: 11.37pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Stacie Orrico- Stuck

Every now and then, when I'm all alone, I'd be hoping you would call me on the telephone..
so when i needed to vent the most, the site was down. go figure.
anyway
i need a time machine
a can of spray paint
and some sleep.

Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 12 May :: 9.16am
:: Mood: busy

me too

You're the boy cut. You love to get out and be yourself. Getting down
and dirty is a very familiar thing to you. You live an active live style
and you simply love it, you go where life takes you.

Which underwear are you?

Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 8 May :: 11.16pm
:: Mood: crazy

Well here's part of the story (in pictures) of why I am now a dark brunette...a stripping treatment gone awry.





4 FeyBebop | Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 5 May :: 10.02pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: Weezer- Falling For You

holy moly baby, wouldn't you know it? just as I was busting loose...I've gotta go turn in my rock star card and get fat and old with you...
Ugh...man, i really dont want to go to school tomorrow. Its like I'm almost taking a whole semester this summer. 11 credits. And I'm already up to 49. So that's 60 credits by the end of the summer. I'll be done with school soon enough. I just want a real life, a real job, a real house, eventually the husband and family bit as well.

I did my first DJ shift today as well...it went off with only a few minor glitches. It seems I had a lot of people listening...lots of calls and lots of requests...that part was fun. My news guy that I work with is nice too, and thats good, because otherwise I'm alone in the studio and I get bored and sad.

Went tanning and I'm niiiiiiice and golden. Of course, that was back in Kalamazoo. I'm really not impressed with the places by my house...I think I'll try one of the places on Alpine and see if they're any better.

My parents are fighting over which of them is to blame for my brother's bad report card grades. I would blame my brother, but that idea hasn't crossed to either of them yet. I think they're afraid of having to pay for part of someone's college.

I should get to bed soon, I'm hoping Jason will get online after his class though. Summer's tough, but I think we're doing awfully good, considering, I mean, its me and Jason we're talking about here. But honest to God, I've never been so madly in love in my entire life. It's a cool feeling when the more time you spend with a person, the more you like them. I remember something like this once a long time ago...I shouldnt judge in retrospect, but wow, this is so much more powerful.

Pulled out a couple old cd's and they reminded me of assorted old times...going skating, going to the beach, pebbles on the window, and passing cigarettes on the front porch under the moon.

Other memories float up at me from nostalgia lane. Going to the park and getting mud in my sandles, my lucky quarter, pretending I could swing dance, the sleepy stratford trip with everything being "so damn metric", my first cup of chai tea and my first episode of the osbornes ("my bed is comfy! try it!"), trying so desperately hard to interpret the mix tape, sparklers in the yard, the stars that "followed me home", its all about the monet and music videos into all hours of the night, the fatal first kiss on the fourth of July, "i thought your sweatshirt looked comfy.", and my brain goes all the way back to peacocks and peckle and roses and Malibu beach barbie.

I'm sure plenty of people from high school can find their own references in there. I've just been thinking a lot about my relationships lately, which ones were fulfilling and which werent. And how glad I am that things turned out the way that they did.

2 FeyBebop | Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 3 May :: 10.45pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Moe Loughran- Anymore

i dont want to hold you anymore...
it was just so strange to see him, and to know he was there looking for me..

its like, i still find him attractive, and i still enjoy his personality...but its nothing like the longing i had before. maybe its true that you want what you cant have....only right now i want what i have and only what i have, who i have...

my brain flips back over the memories that i had with him, and i feel like they were with someone totally different...he's not the guy that i liked...i look at his face, and i never kissed him, even though my brain knows that its a thousand times a lie.

and i wonder if he dressed up to impress me. i could tell he was trying to make me jealous. but i really dont think it worked. i really didnt think i'd be secure enough to handle it like this. i was afraid i would fall.

4 FeyBebop | Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 3 May :: 1.06am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Counting Crows- Anna Begins

And every time she sneezes, I believe it's love, and...oh lord...I'm not ready for this sort of thing...
so I wonder, how much of this is getting what I wanted?

Its almost reassuring to know I'm not just in this for the hot breath, sticky lips, saliva on my skin..

I see things like the concentration in the eyes or the steadiness of the hands instead. Confident. Assured. And that I should be the same.

The same old debate...fate or conscious choice....comes to dwell upon my brain again for a time.

I wonder how much control I have over my life....and how much I would really want.

Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 30 April :: 1.06pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Cursive- Gentleman Caller

You bad, girl....does it feel good, being bad...
Report Card Time!
I've been a bad girl this semester....

Social Psychology......A
Sociological Theory....A
Macro Economics.......BA
Intro to Computing....W (I dropped it, the W is for Wisdom that I wouldnt have finished the course anyhow.)
Trigonometry/Precalculus.....C


woo! I'm going to school next year!

5 FeyBebop | Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 28 April :: 5.13pm

I FEEL TOO DAMN OLD AND RESPONSIBLE.

1 Fey | Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 27 April :: 11.37am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: Evanescence- Bring Me To Life

Wake me up inside....call my name and save me from the dark...
maybe this new immense boredom will prompt me to write something everyday... Quickly running out of things to say but once I get to doing "stuff" i'll have "stuff" to talk about.

i sit around the house and think about what things i can do to keep myself occupied. unfortunatly, I find that most of these things require spending money....not that I dont have money, but this is supposed to generally be a summer of saving, not spending (so I can actually get some furniture for my apartment), and blowing large quantities of cash three days after I move home really doesnt seem like the best way to stick to that plan.

Thinking about cutting my hair. Possibly short again. For a change. I don't really know if I want to do it though. Any opinions?

1 Fey | Edward


JediBumblebee

:: 2003 27 April :: 1.08am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: The White Stripes- Hotel Yorba

I wonder how long it will take till we're alone...sitting on the front porch of that home...stomping our feet on the wooden boards...never gonna worry about locking the door...
Being home is so boring.. I spent five hours driving around the greater Grand Rapids area and essentially accomplishing nothing. I'm actually looking forward to starting at work. Scary thought for me.

Had a cute date today..the lazer light show. Darlin, I really did enjoy it a lot. Thank you. Even though the spinning stars made me sick to my stomach and the talking skull scared the shit out of me. It was still a lot of fun.

Ugh. I'm cold. And I want some lovin. And my keychain back. Also need to sleep. Sigh.

Edward

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