'How can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you.'

:: 2002 27 March :: 10.39pm
:: Music: Vanessa Carlton- A Thousand Miles

I wonder if I could fall into the sky...
Makin my way downtown
Walkin fast
Faces pass and I'm homebound
Starin blankly ahead
Just makin my way
Makin my way
Through the crowd
And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
Cause you know I'd
Walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you tonight

Its always times like these
When I think of you
And wonder if you ever think of me
Cause everythings so wrong
And I dont belong
Living in your precious memory

Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
Cause you know I'd
Walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you tonight

And I...
I...
Dont want to let you know
I...
I...
Drown in your memory
I...
I...
Dont want to let this go
I...
I...
Dont

Makin my way downtown
Walkin fast
Faces pass and I'm homebound
Staring blankly ahead
Just makin my way
Makin a way
Through the crowd
And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass us by
Cause you know I'd
Walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
Cause you know I'd
Walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you
If I could just hold you tonight

:: 2002 26 March :: 10.16pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: there is no music. i broke my speakers. but i have this beach boys craving like crazy.

Umm....I haven't written in like, a long time. I've been feeling private.

I'm doing my laundry. It's an exciting day. I had no socks left...

I also just finished a quiz for PLS 103. That class is beyond boring. Professor Chubby puts me to sleep. Every Wednesday. I have an exam tomorrow. One of three. So I am darn excited.

I got the full scholarship for Western. $32,000. But most of you who read my journal already knew that. The passing out in the choir room thing was a clue.

I also cut all my hair off. But you guys knew that too. I've decided that I like it. It's the inner me finally coming out, through my hair. It's simple and a little crazy. I might add some green streaks to it. I am still debating. Any opinions?

2 FeyBebop | Edward

:: 2002 16 March :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: The Judds- Why Not Me?

Why not me, on a rainy day? WHy not me to love your cares away? You've been searching from here to Singapore...Ain't it time that you noticed the girl next door?
Yay! Stef power week!

At work today I busted a serious shoplifter, and got mad praise from all my managers. He had all this expensive home security equipment, which he had cut out other UPCs of cheap stuff and glued over the real one...some cameras ran up as cables so I had someone check it out, then noticed that all his stuff was the same way, and when i peeled it up, the glue was still wet. It would have been a few hundred dollars difference. The guy ended up darting out the door when my manager turned her back, but he didn't get the chance to steal anything, or get anything cheap. BUSTED! Ha. All because of me. :)

2 FeyBebop | Edward

:: 2002 15 March :: 5.21pm
:: Mood: surprised
:: Music: The Drifters- Save The Last Dance For Me

You can smile, every smile, for the one that holds your hand in the pale moonlight...Just don't forget who's taking you home, and in whose arms you're gonna be...So darlin', save the last dance for me
Well, it's time for an update...I don't really know what to say. A lot of big stuff has happened lately.

One being that my car was hit on Wednesday...It has a big dent in the side of it because of a dumb girl in the GRCC parking ramp with a Mercury Grand Marquis who thought she could "squeeze it in" to the spot next to me...needless to say, it didn't work. No, I was not in the car, I didn't see it happen....but she was nice enough to leave a note with her number...but I have yet to get ahold of her so I can get my car repaired. It doesn't look bad from far away but it's actually a pretty bad gouge, all across the driver's side of the car.

The other thing is what is seriously giving me problems. I got "the call" Wednesday night...I am getting a $24,000 scholarship to Western...out of about a thousand people, 45 were picked and I was one. I have to go to another interview where I have about a 50% chance along with the other 44 people to get a full ride. But if you count in my MEAP scholarship and my Cossin scholarship (yeah, got that one too), and the money I've been saving, and open house, I pretty much have a full ride already. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about this, I know it's awesome. But it sortof throws my priorities out of whack. Like, why have I been working two part-time jobs for a year? Why am I trying to get a transfer at Menards to Kzoo, because now I won't have to work through school (only summers)? Plus now I am locked into Western, no changing my mind, no transfering if I hate it, or if I get into Cornell (sniff). I mean, I'm pretty sure that I'll love it, but what if I don't?? I'm already going to practically be a spokesperson for WMU, a Medallion Board of Trustees Scholar, ack! They are already asking me to bring a senior picture to the interview so they can put me in brochures and stuff. I'm not really worried about the interview, interviews aren't that difficult for me. It's just the general idea. So I'm pretty sure I'm just in shock. This is what I was always supposed to do, and I actually did it, I think.

I know, everyone's going to complain and say, why didnt you tell me? I just had to make sure I told myself first.

4 FeyBebop | Edward

:: 2002 12 March :: 10.38pm
:: Mood: moody
:: Music: Days of the New- Enemy

I'm not the one who's trying to change you...I'm not who's trying to be your enemy...that's something you need to change...
i really badly need something to drink. for some reason, my home is free from beverages? maybe i'll go squeeze some fruit.

i bought a garden today. well, it's not a garden yet, obviously, but i bought the stuff to start my own. i want to bring things to life. power is nice.

i'm really behind in my homework but i dont have any desire to work on it. i hate physics. i really dont understand anything and he never tells me my grades from the tests. so not only am i clueless to the material, but pretty clueless as to how i'm doing as well. which just makes me assume its bad.

i really, really need something to drink....

4 FeyBebop | Edward

:: 2002 12 March :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: Cake- Rock and Roll Lifestyle

And how much did you pay for your rock and roll teeshirt? That proves you were there, that you heard of them first?
I really don't like homework.
I really don't like musical practice.
I really don't like the fact that I can't sing like the other girls.
I hate my vicious alto voice.
I hate having to work every day.
I hate that I worked just barely too much last year and so I don't get my tax refund.
I don't like naughty boys with secrets.
I don't like it when my computer restarts and freezes.
I hate physics, and I hate my business class.
I hate giving speeches.
I hate throwing up.
I feel like I want to after I reread all my bitching for the day. I'll stop for now.

:: 2002 11 March :: 10.34pm
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: 311- Beautiful Disaster

Today seems like a good day...to burn a bridge or two...
mad sick today.....i think subway gave me food poisoning. i was super-super sick and almost threw up in the middle of my speech at college today. stomach cramps and the works. not very fun. plus i skipped part of friday so now i am behind. :(

you know how when you are on your way better from being sick you're always super-hungry? that is me right now! i think i'm dying. i dont want to eat but my body says i have to.

i filled out all my college stuff today. big fun. all i have left is my residence hall forms, and i think i can finish that tommorrow. so i will really become a REAL college student. yippie!

but now is bedtime. my tummy is making weird noises.

:: 2002 9 March :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Depeche Mode- Sweetest Perfection

I stop and I stare too much...Afraid that I care too much...I hardly dare to touch...for fear that this spell may be broken...
I want to write but don't know what to say...

I feel like i hurt...lots...my tummy and my shins again...ugh... I really should go back and have them look into surgery for me...but i really don't like the idea and dont really know that it would solve the problem.

i have to work 8 hours or so at menards tomorrow...so if anyone needs any screws or lumber or anything, come see me...it's likely to be lonely and super slow...i hate this weather with a passion...

i hate that phrase. what is passion?

:: 2002 7 March :: 10.08pm
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: Aerosmith- A Taste Of India

When you are born, you're afraid of the darkness....Then you're afraid of the light....But I'm not afraid when I dance with a shadow...
Gawd, I'm bouncing off the walls. This is crazy. My OCD has been so so so bad today. It's been getting to me this last week really bad...eevn though it's college spring break i've been under a whole lot of pressure...i have big papers due, musical soon, confrontations with people, physics test, conflicts at work, scholarship stuff...ack! so my "trich" is really getting crazy, and the rest of the stuff is starting to show up too... so if i've been a little nutty to everyone, i'm sorry! :( haven't really been myself.
i'm really bouncy bouncy. i'm loading caffeine on top of OCD....FUN! i want some medicine. or no-doz. either one will do right now. i really want to relax. but if i can't, i might as well have fun with it, eh? alright...i'm gonna go soak myself in the bathtub and try to shake this....at least for tonite so i can sleep for the first time this week. at least this week is almost over.

:: 2002 6 March :: 7.51pm

horoscope
It's obvious that you and this new cutie like each other, Kitty. Not so obvious to either one of you is exactly what you want, though. Well, guess what? You don't have to figure it all out right now. Just go with it and figure it out later.

:: 2002 5 March :: 10.36pm
:: Music: Patti Loveless- You're All I Think About These Days

My mind wanders where it will...and when it settles right on you....I forget what I should say...I forget what I should do....
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??

I don't really know what I'm doing at all.

Would anyone believe me if I said that I used to be a good writer? Like, quite good. But I've had wicked writer's block for over a year. Now I just suck. I wish I had some empty inspiration. I really want to write something pretty. Not pretty stupid.

:: 2002 5 March :: 10.08pm
:: Music: Bye Bye Birdie- The Telephone Hour

Hiya Hugo...Hiya stupid...What ya wanna go get pinned for?...Lost your marbles? Are you nutty?
I REALLY REALLY REALLY hate retrospect. I think life would be so much easier if you ccould never ever look back. I know, everyone will say, "If you couldn't look back, you'd make the same mistakes over and over and over again..." but then how would you know? You'd only know it was a mistake, not that you'd ever done it before, and you might not even remember what you did so you wouldn't know what the mistake was so what would it matter?

Sometimes I feel like I have no willpower. I wish that I had no feeling. I think it would be so much easier to just be empty. I might be headed on that path though....I'm starting to feel a little hollow. My problems aren't solved yet, and I don't really know how.

I dont think I've been myself lately. Unsure if thats good or bad. Or really, what to do about it. Or if I really care at all. People change, right? I don't really even know what I'm talking about.

Do you ever just NOT feel comfortable in your own skin? Crazy. I don't want to be anyone else, just not myself. I'll write some more in a little bit I think....I need some nourishment but fear if I leave this screen open, I'll never see it again.

:: 2002 4 March :: 10.56pm
:: Music: Spice Girls- The Lady is a Vamp

Cuz the lady is a vamp, she's a vixen not a tramp...She's a dadadadada da da...Come on fellow raise yur bets cos you ain't seen nothing yet...She's the top of the top she's the best...
Weird day. Dont know what to say about it. But very strange. Feelings all tumbly inside me. Not that it would make an outward difference.

:: 2002 1 March :: 5.13pm
:: Mood: amused

http://www.colorgenics.com
You are striving to make favourable impressions all of the time. and you are going out of your way to make the impression that you are something special... You are constantly on the watch to see how your friends and neighbours are reacting to your various ploys . But this is so unnecessary.. because most of the time you are in control of the situation - and you are, in the nicest sense of the word, a "manipulator" because you use various strategies very cleverly in order to influence and obtain the necessary recognition.

Being a likeable person .. you get in well with neighbours and friends. You don't need anything to "Rock your boat". You want to "love" and to be loved".

You need a friend - a close friend ... and you are willing to become emotionally involved with the right person, but you are very demanding and particular in your choice of partners. You are constantly looking for reassurance .. and it is perhaps because of this that you tend to be some-what argumentative, but you try to hold back - careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce your chances of prospects of realising your hopes of establishing a warm caring relationship.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress...You vehemently resist any form of pressure from outside sources, insisting on your independence as an individual. You want to be a decision maker - to make up your own mind without interference. You wish to be able to draw your own conclusions and arrive at your own decisions. You detest uniformity and mediocrity, as you want to be regarded as one who gives authoritative opinions. Your favourite expression could well be "That I may not always be right but I am never wrong". You're a perfectionist and even though you may feel that the other persons point of view may be right you find it extremely difficult to admit that you could be wrong...

You need to be respected as an exceptional individual. This is the only way that you can hope to achieve the status that you wish to achieve. You set yourself very high standards ... and come what may ... you abide by them.

Isn't that just downright scary??? Totally right on the mark...I recommend that everyone try it...