The Destroyer

:: 2019 27 January :: 1.21pm

remember: you can't hug your children with nuclear arms

:: 2019 24 January :: 10.42am

this is just too much

everything is pressing down on me

I can't breathe

:: 2019 23 January :: 8.07am

a boat toad

tattoo idea: TAX on right knuckles RICH on left knuckles THE on your forehead

alternatively: replace eyebrows with mono brow tattoo that says the same thing

last night I dreamt I cut all my hair off and went back to my typical hair... I was so sad :( I guess I'm not smoking enough weed. fucking dreams.

:: 2019 4 January :: 10.10am

smoking in my car has to be one of my favorite things.

Gary Numan had it right

:: 2019 3 January :: 10.20am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: city & color

admit, this is never what you wanted
"isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing?"

i feel this deep, deep anxiety, pain, sorrow and emptiness.

it feels like i'm missing someone i never met. it feels like the hole in my heart just tore a little bigger.

it feels like i'm ripped wide open and everyone can see the wind blow. right through my ribs, right through my heart.

i want to help those i love who are in pain so badly, and yet i'm completely powerless to help ease their sufferings, to help them feel relief, to see they are comforted and know they are loved.

maybe i am heartless, maybe i'm not the best person to be friends with. as someone who thinks about suicide constantly to comfort me against the absurdity and pain of being alive, i understand the desire and compulsion. and as someone who understands, it is so hard for me to stay don't.

but please don't. and if it's too late to say good bye... i just hope you found the relief you were looking for.

this life isn't what i want. i don't know what i want. maybe i do. i just want to feel important.

but i feel like that's impossible. i'll never feel important enough. and the more people i fill my life with, the less important i feel. and the more i want to run and hide and forget i ever knew anyone in the first place.

i didn't ask for life. i didn't ask to be white, or a woman, or pretty. i didn't ask to be born in the 21st century, i didn't ask to be a millennial. i didn't ask to fill the oceans with plastics or the air with toxins. i just want to go back to nothing, back to star dust, back to the earth. to be a tree or a bug or a toad. not thinking, not conscious, not lost in this hopeless endless spiral of humanity.

i am lost. and i just want to help someone else not be so lost.

:: 2018 29 December :: 10.13am
:: Mood: amused

plays my first game of D&D since I was a young gal

we raced around a mysterious track in fun vehicles

there was so much laughter, shenanigans and tomfoolery and it was everything I needed

thanks Nef for inviting me along and being patient with me! it was an excellent way to spend a Friday night

:: 2018 16 December :: 2.35am

I know somewhere we can trade all our money for a homesick fade to white

:: 2018 10 December :: 8.59pm

I'm thankful to have a family who loves me and friends who are there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or some sense talked into me.

I'm also thankful that while this country is fucked, that I don't live in one that is worse.

things will be okay as long as you keep your head above water, and if you don't, sometimes you come back up.

:: 2018 9 December :: 10.59pm

the pebble cannot change the course of a river

all it can do is hope to be picked up and carried for a while

thankful to be part of the journey

:: 2018 9 December :: 9.52pm

when every shitty thing you know about yourself is shoved right in your disappointing face and you're forced to smell your own shit sundae

I don't want to wake up.

:: 2018 8 December :: 6.59pm

fuck everything

:: 2018 8 December :: 9.07am

sickness from hell
first time I've been this sick in a few years

every time I swallow I wake up because it hurts so bad. went to the doctor just to be told there's nothing they can do.

just what I needed, another worthless egocentric doctor who can't help. and an expensive medical bill before x mass. woo.

:: 2018 22 November :: 6.39am

stagnation
I'm just waiting for you to let go

:: 2018 20 November :: 3.31pm

people talking about quitting facebook like it's a drug

"gonna try to stay off for a week"
"two months without facebook!"

but we are treated weird for breaking up with zuckerberg

fucking junkies fuckin sheep fuckin head in the sand ostriches

THEY ARE USING YOU LIKE THAT SHITTY EX YOU HAD

:: 2018 18 November :: 4.36pm

ugh can someone like please tell me why Britney Spears is so wonderful

cuz she's like A #1

kinda like a certain Smitty Jagerwerbenmanjensen. you know what they say about him.

anyway, I just gotta keep dancing til the world ends.

:: 2018 9 November :: 6.42am

making people happy cry on their birthdays is one of my all time favorite things in the whole world

I love birthdays. I wish they turned it excellent more often. I wish everyone could have at least one perfect day a year and god damn it should be your anniversary of existing.

this birthday will be good.

happy birthday sweetheart