The Destroyer

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The Destroyer

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:: 2018 6 March :: 10.18pm

Shit is too hard sometimes
Other people are challenging
I don't like feeling like an asshole and I don't like making the people I love out to be them
It is PTSD I have been diagnosed with it by every doctor I've seen
I know bad things happened too you too, but your triggers aren't being in a relationship and men who look a certain way

Not that one person's trauma is worse than the others, I guess I just can simply say I'm doing the best I can, I do have a hard time communicating but that is also a two way street.

I said I wouldn't be easy. And I said it's ok to leave if it's too hard. I still say the same thing. I just also know I am a good kind hearted person and I do always try to do what's right and what's in everyone's best interest (even at the cost of myself). I just sometimes lose my mind and can't handle being a human being.

I am hoping a large part of the problems are from stress due to depression and winter and work. I need something new and exciting.

:: 2018 6 March :: 11.41am

Found an Xmas pic of you. You still look like a hideous monster.

I feel left behind.. not sure by who or what. I feel like I'm out of time,out of phase, shifting to the blue spectrum with high frequency panic electricity in my veins.

:: 2018 6 March :: 11.38am

0049. THE FCC STOLE MY WALLET AND KIDNAPPED MY SISTER

Unless my brain is foreign, I think most censorshipped radio's boring. And who claims that orange doesn't rhyme? I'm chilling right here with David Lawrence. It's Online Tonight, they wanna wind up fights for free speech, broadcast as far as they can reach. It's a swell day, let's see what they'll say when I'm dialed up live, Toronto to LA. But look what's come up with that Janet Jackson - FCC with $5,000 infractions. We got a plan of action.

FCC cracking down to burn Bubba the Love Sponge and also Howard Stern. Oh dear, man overboard at Clear Channel. What dorks and weird panel of analysts decides what to battle with? The whole thing's just a waste of time, and I hope I don't see anybody paying the fine. I'll fight this 'til I'm old and washed up, and I'm sure right beside me will be Lily Von Schtupp. What's up? Censorship? Not for long. Is someone gonna step to me and try to stop this song? It's cool to protect our children; I've got no qualms. So maybe the president should stop dropping bombs.

:: 2018 2 March :: 5.43pm

My timing is so fucking wretched

:: 2018 24 February :: 11.08am

After some tears and a few fits I got my files taxes

I just fucking hate all this fucking bullshit they take my money and I have to request they give it back to me in an overly complicated transaction.

Bleh.

2 friends | friend?

:: 2018 23 February :: 9.41am

White coffee is one of my favorite things

2 friends | friend?

:: 2018 22 February :: 10.16pm

maybe I'm looking for something I can't have...

every song coming on YouTube feels so significant right now. I hate having these stupid fights over nothing. I hate feeling trapped but paralyzed by social anxiety. I have such a hard time making it into a friendship after the first part.

I need to do something with myself I'm losing my God damned mind but nothing sounds like it would be interesting... And cheap. Ugh.

:: 2018 20 February :: 12.11pm

It's a lonely world, I know
Gonna get a lonely girl that's for sure

Knowing I hurt you

:: 2018 19 February :: 2.06pm

There's always going to be an excuse for you to not come over to my house.

Always.

So no matter how much or often I tell you it hurts my feelings, it's never ever going to change.

Sometimes I really wish I hadn't taken a chance. So I could just be alone and lonely. And I wouldn't have to feel bad about everything because I'm not over my trauma and I'll never be normal.

I'm not worth this.

3 friends | friend?

:: 2018 15 February :: 6.52am

When all you can think about is how lonely you feel

When all you can think about is how lonely every family must feel after losing a child

Or how lonely the best friends of those children feel

Or how lonely the dead children feel

How lonely the world feels

3 friends | friend?

:: 2018 13 February :: 9.42am

Found the journal entry my first boyfriend posted after we broke up... Daggers in my heart but I'm determined not to make the same mistakes I did so long ago. That was 12 years ago, but it still is deep in my heart.

I say often that I am atoning for past sins in my current days, the scars on my heart from all the people I've wronged or hurt still throb in my mind.

I know I can't make up for everything and I know holding onto these things are detrimental to me. How do you let go, how do you leave the past in the past?

I can feel all the pain in the world, and it mixes with my own. The paints blur together into a grey and dismal portrait and we all know once mixed they can't be separated. Will these paints ever dry and allow me to paint over with something beautiful?

What is even beautiful for a life?

:: 2018 6 February :: 1.09pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: bleachers - dont take the money

When you're looking for your shadow
Standing on the edge of yourself
Praying on the darkness
Just don't take the money
Dreaming of an easy
Waking up without weight now
And you're looking at the heartless
Just don't take the money

You steal the air out of my lungs, you make me feel it
I pray for everything we lost, buy back the secrets
Your hand forever's all I want
Don't take the money

:: 2018 5 February :: 4.02pm

I have a very difficult time relating to people who love life

What do you mean you don't want it to end? That's the only part i am looking forward to...

3 friends | friend?

:: 2018 3 February :: 11.40am

I find the face of a woman very comforting

I miss many faces I used to know

But I'm very happy about the faces still in my life

And hopefully I can help them smile once in a while

:: 2018 28 January :: 10.51am

I just want to feel loved

How do you keep.gping when all you are at the end of the day is a number

2 friends | friend?

:: 2018 26 January :: 11.59pm

I've been dying to reach you... But my extension cord doesn't reach that far.

There's just no fighting the sadness

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