godessalthena
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2016 19 August :: 9.30am
so some good news after the terrible horrible no good very bad day yesterday...
I PAID OFF MY CAR NOTE
now to just get the title and she's mine ALL MIIIIIIINE
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godessalthena
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2016 18 August :: 11.42am
I live fat ugly and stupid
I'll die old alone and unloved
I try so hard to be seen
but I've never been more invisible
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godessalthena
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2016 15 August :: 5.25pm
I fuck up too much to be a good relationship partner.
I can't feel enough to be a good relationship partner.
I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame.
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godessalthena
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2016 14 August :: 9.20am
I feel so fucking guilty for being a home body.
but the older I get the less and less I want to spend time with new humans. they just aren't worth it.
especially now that I am the DD 99% of the the time. being the sober cat around a bunch of drunk dogs fickin blows. no amount of being checked on will make me have a better time.
I'm just a big old lame ass. I can't even get drunk anymore. my belly starts to hurt before I feel anything.
I suck.
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godessalthena
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2016 12 August :: 6.40pm
I could be happy forever with my cinnamon girl
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godessalthena
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2016 8 August :: 11.48am
got my in person interview tomorrow!!!
so excite much nerves!
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godessalthena
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2016 5 August :: 6.56pm
optimistic about a new role at LM. I really hope I get it. I'm nervous because they have a few people that they didn't hire last round they are considering, but I'm thinking
+ they have had this post up forever, but the recruiter really wants to move me to the next round
+ this recruiter is the same one who moved me forward in the last adjuster role I had. the remembered me and was very warm and friendly. I feel that she will fight a lil harder for me.
+ my boss gave me all the tips to win the interview. she has been so supportive of me my whole career
- I am leaving her team but I want to be on her team so badly
I just feel so stressed about meeting my numbers down there, by the end of the day I'm just completely fried. I shouldn't have to justify leaving to myself, it's a nice pay increase for me and after being here for 6 years I feel like I should be higher than a grade 9... it's a little embarrassing I guess..
I just want to get myself out of this hole and start saving and living my life. I feel like I spent all this wasted money on the shittiest part of my life and now I have to keep paying for it during the best years I've ever had. it fucking sucks.
but that's what I get for being irresponsible. and I still am. I don't know if that's a lesson I will ever actually learn. I think JP having this job will really help me spend less. it's just so hard to get to know someone when you have no place to go.
and let's be honest, my time is running out.
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godessalthena
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2016 2 August :: 7.30pm
between Thursday and Sunday I drove 1200 miles. that is the longest I've driven in such a short period of time.
I definitely could never be a truck driver. too much.
but I will say, the trip was totally worth it. I love the ocean. and the beach. how very small it makes you feel.
and some of those twisty roads were super fun. I would love to be a rally car driver.
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godessalthena
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2016 30 July :: 4.30pm
I just wanna be home in my own bed with my own puppies. I am so over driving.
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godessalthena
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2016 29 July :: 6.08am
It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears...
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godessalthena
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2016 27 July :: 7.33am
final day of the elimination diet/cleanse. I have learned a few things:
1 I will never be vegan
2 I am not allergic to foods
3 I feel bad no matter what I eat
4 vegans are crazy
tonight I will be in Leavenworth with my Emily! tomorrow... THE OCEAN
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godessalthena
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2016 25 July :: 8.23pm
so close to the end, 2 more days left.
today I had a big juicy rib eye, rare. I feel full for the first time in 5 days and it's nice.
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godessalthena
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2016 21 July :: 2.41pm
day 1 of elimination diet: fucking shitty as fuck
I might die.
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godessalthena
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2016 20 July :: 7.36am
today's the big day.
things will work out. he's a great salesman.
I have to ask Zoe for baby tokes back and the thought makes my tummy wrench. I hope she isn't mean to me.
bleh
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godessalthena
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2016 18 July :: 5.35am
I want to grab you, shake you violently and scream at you
you are good enough
you are incredibly skilled
THE ONLY THING HOLDING YOU BACK IS YOURSELF
stop crying over the way things have been
start making things be what you want them to be
YOU are the one driving
YOU are in control of how you react to the shit show that is life
YOU have to stand up and walk
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godessalthena
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2016 15 July :: 7.31am
we can get better cause we're not dead yet.
but what if there's no better and this is the best it'll ever be.
I have a good job, a man, food, entertainment, nature.. so why do I still feel this void inside of me.
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