The Destroyer

:: 2016 2 February :: 5.08pm

when there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire

:: 2016 1 February :: 7.27am

day 1 of new shift...

someone shoot. meh.

hopeful long being off at 4:15 will be its own reward

:: 2016 31 January :: 5.09pm

Twitter account.... created.

Attempt to Network to Literary Agents, Publishers and Authors = semi successful. Including an unsolicited offer from a professional editor/publisher to take a look at my manuscript.

Now I just need to finish the damn thing which means getting past the 3 chapters already done. Also, debating trying to write a few short stories and submit them to some writing competitions. Except I don't think I'm actually that good of writer, which has given me a case of the yips in regards to my writing. No wonder I can't get past chapter 3. Alright, putting the fantasy novel on hold for a bit. Maybe I will write a novel about a call center rep murdering people; think I have enough incentive to write that.

:: 2016 29 January :: 7.40am

so many crafts.. so little time!!!

:: 2016 27 January :: 10.42pm

I hate you. i hate you so much. I hate that I loved you so much. I did everything for you.

I compromised my morals. I completely lost myself in you. all I could see was through your eyes, and every fiber of my being wanted to make you happy. I wanted to untwist your dark and damaged heart, because I could still see the hurt little boy underneath.

you encouraged me to face my demons. you pressured me into getting help I desperately needed. you were my best friend. I shared every inch of my labyrinth heart to you. I showed you more of me than anyone has ever seen.

but none of that could ever make you content. none of that ever meant a damn thing to you. you took my love and you used it against me. you poisoned me. three years later, and I'm still trying to clear the radioactive waste you left decaying in my chest. I am tainted, and every time I get close to someone, I am once again reminded of how you ruined me.

I wish there wasn't some demented part of me that still loves you. I should never have let you in. you've really taken 7 years of my life from me. and I know you'll continue to haunt me. there isn't a single day that passes where I don't think of you. you're still very much a part of me.

you torment me.

:: 2016 25 January :: 6.58pm

sometimes, you just need to be confided in by a new friend to make you feel like maybe all this pain and misery is worth it.

"I love you, friend" is just one of the best things to hear from such a sweet and thoughtful woman. I'm really glad I met Tracie, she always brightens my day at work. it sucks we can only talk at the end of the day.. she started just waiting for me, 15 whole minutes! just to talk with me.

I have some truly amazing ladies in my life. Alexz is always there, so fiercely loyal and wonderfully blunt. hearing shit talked straight is such a rare thing these days I feel like. and Zoe is just always my inner voice to keep fighting. she and I are almost the same person in so many ways, and yet in some ways we are so radically different. we balance each other well. these two women have saved my life on too many occasions to count.

in this horrible flood called life, I'm just thankful to have such steadfast boulders to be bound to.

Abe is always there for me, with this seemingly unconditional love. he is a much needed outlet and an excellent window.

and weed. it may be a crutch, but what do crutches do? they help people walk. I was crawling in the muddy dark, when weed grabbed my hand and helped me to stand.

but god damn, am I still filthy.

1 friend | friend?

:: 2016 25 January :: 7.40am
:: Mood: aggravated

so much to say.

no ability to get the words out.

i am pissed, hurt, confused, and relieved.

maybe i should do something stupid too.

:: 2016 24 January :: 8.10pm

A good day with PB has me feeling a bit more like I can do this. I'm still at a loss for how to proceed from where I'm at but I'm no longer ready to throw in the towel.

:: 2016 23 January :: 7.53am
:: Mood: accomplished

when I look in the mirror, I love who I see. I even danced for myself in the mirror this morning.

I am a hot babe.

:: 2016 22 January :: 8.06pm

hell has no fury as a woman scorned

:: 2016 21 January :: 10.31am

I think I've given up on writing my novel. It was a pipe dream. I had so many people that wanted me to write it but I have no direction for it. No matter how much I aspire to be a published author I just don't think I have it in me. Nor do I think anyone outside of my friend and family set would waste their time on anything I write.

:: 2016 18 January :: 11.25am

I find I still let the past have way to much control over the present and therefore it defines my future.

I envy my friends who even in the depth of depression still find ways to live their lives. They go out, meet new people make new friends. Whereas, I hide behind a computer screen, rarely talking to anyone either online or out in the world.

I let the words and actions of my closest childhood friends define me. I convinced myself their words were true and that no one could possibly actually like me. That it's just a matter of time before those I know stab me in the back. I convinced myself that as an unloveable entity it was best to withdraw into myself.

I want so desperately to let it all go and to live up to all the potential I had as a child, but I fear it is to late. That I have lost any skills I once had that were of value.

:: 2016 18 January :: 8.42am

I wish people cloud hear what they sound like sometimes.

would you tell a burn victim you can't be friends because you find having healthy skin too important?

there are nicer ways to say no.

people are asshats.

fuck Monday's

:: 2016 13 January :: 2.10pm

Do you believe in always,the wind
said to the rain
I am too busy with
my flowers to believe,the rain answered

:: 2016 13 January :: 11.47am

So far the start of the new year has been nothing but pain. Hoping to change that around a bit. Joined a "Book Club" group on GoodReads. Need to start working on writing more, started out gung ho and have fallen off the face of the planet when it comes to my writing. Now to just get me migraines under control and consistently go to work would be nice.