godessalthena
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2016 5 January :: 7.37pm
why I am quiet:
I speak my mind, and everyone systematically tears my idea down.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2016 5 January :: 1.54pm
still feeling like shit, but made it into work. trying not to escape into work requests and music, because everything else just feels like too much.
things don't go how you want them to. and people keep hounding for things they'll never get. and my patience is wearing thin.
I hate being a woman. I hate society. I hate how we raise our children and I hate how we all feel worthless and powerless and insignificant.
I've lost 20 pounds since I've moved home. I can see it all pretty much left my belly. I don't know if I want to be skinny, but being at 200 pounds would be pretty cool. I guess. I don't fucking know.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2016 4 January :: 6.08am
after sweating profusely all night and waking up to more sick, I called out of work today. first day of the new year and I can't make it in.. hopefully the rest of the year won't be this way.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2016 3 January :: 9.36am
fuck I'm really fuckin sick. I wish I had drank heavily to deserve this, but I didn't.
fuck
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godessalthena
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2015 31 December :: 6.51am
it's like trying to sleep on Christmas Eve when you still think Santa is real
maybe it's finally my turn
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 30 December :: 7.30pm
today was really quite good. best day I've had in a stretch.
and I am shitting my pants.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 29 December :: 6.58pm
I probably don't say this enough, but my dogs are just the best. I see bjornes paw prints in the snow and I can just imagine him prancing through the snow with my dad, walking up to the garage with his little grin. his adorable butt wiggle for a tail wag. when he smooshes himself into the corner by the hate waiting for me to come home.
I love when I get home and come up the basement steps, and he is up there with his excited face and tail fluttering furiously, and then his twirling happy dance around me as I take off my coat. he really is the sweetest baby boy.
and rika.. well shit she's just adorable. she always snuggles extra close to my hip at bed time. the way her tail wags extra wide when I get home. and all those little sweet kisses. she always is trying to hump bjornes face, and sometimes she does it with a toy in her mouth over his side, and growls up a storm. it's like she's trying to jump over him.
and her little Charlie Chaplin legs. and making her dance. she loves me best, and that just melts my heart and fills it with more joy than words can express.
<3
side note:
I miss the sun. it's been overcast and snowing for a few weeks now, I've almost forgotten the color of the sky, or the warmth of the sun. I'm not sure how I survived in Seattle. I need the sun!
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 23 December :: 4.38pm
fucksmoke the pain away
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 19 December :: 6.49pm
going out with Zoe to boomers for the first time in forever. I'm excited but also anxious. I feel something ominous in the air. I hope I'm just being a weirdo.
I need to be more honest with myself. analyze less, think more.. if that makes sense.
I wonder if I'll ever feel free again.
1 friend |
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 17 December :: 8.50pm
what's it feel like to be a ghost?
louder, now, louder now?
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godessalthena
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2015 16 December :: 7.58pm
if I could have my way.. oh what things may come.
friend?
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alexithymia
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2015 13 December :: 1.13pm
:: Mood: distressed
I almost lost my papi this am and I was too busy sleeping to hear the phone call from my mum. I don't know what's worse the guilt that I wasn't there for him and my mum this am or the feeling that I could have lost him. The only thing that makes it slightly better is knowing that if I had lost him my last words to him were I love you.
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godessalthena
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2015 6 December :: 12.29am
a very dear friend's best friend committed herself to the great below today..
she's taking it in stride (I think?) but my heart hurts for what she must be feeling inside. that girls life is seriously a shit storm and yet still manages to stay positive and avoid cynicism. I admire her greatly. I wish she didn't live so far away.
it's so mysterious.. the land of tears.
1 friend |
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alexithymia
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2015 5 December :: 11.26pm
My parents are awesome.
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godessalthena
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2015 5 December :: 7.31am
I forgot how beautiful the sunrise is..
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 3 December :: 9.48pm
I spend my free time reading the craigslist missed connections. I do it with my demon. he sits next to me and tells me, "you'll be alone forever, no one will ever want such a damaged and cynical fat bitch like you." and as the romantic comedy plays in the background I can hear him laugh at the absurdity.
"love doesn't exist. not for people like you." it's hard to ignore him. it's hard to stay positive and optimistic, when all around me relationships crash and burn. you never really know who you can trust. humans lie, cheat, steal and back stab. we kill each other and hate each other arbitrarily, we hate whole groups of people for imaginary bullshit reasons.
there have been more mass shootings so far this year than days in this country. my aunts both have cancer. I have no future.
i miss sex. I miss enjoying food. I miss sleep.
friend?
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