godessalthena
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2015 15 October :: 11.51pm
being in any type of committed relationship scares the absolute shit out of me
but I want to feel loved and wanted with every fiber of my being
I don't know if I can over come these feelings
I feel so powerless
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 13 October :: 12.42pm
I'm well acquainted with villains who live in my head
they beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead
friend?
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alexithymia
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2015 11 October :: 10.28pm
I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today
I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts
I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be okay
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts
Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts
I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today
I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today (I just want to feel something today)
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be okay (Know that maybe I will be okay)
Know that maybe I will be okay (Know that maybe I will be okay)
Know that maybe I will be okay
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godessalthena
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2015 11 October :: 12.59pm
and they say
You can't wake up, this is not a dream,
You're part of a machine, you are not a human being,
With your face all made up, living on a screen,
Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline.
I think there's a flaw in my code...
these voices won't leave me alone....
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 4 October :: 1.20pm
:: Mood: malaise
mental illness is constantly evolving and adapting to circumvent the measures one takes to conquer it.
instead of feeling eternal pain and misery, I feel hollow, aimless, restless. I feel bored, impatient, confused.
I don't know what I want or what I need. I don't know what to do. I have completed a major chapter in life, looking bewildered into the future, feeling utterly overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time.
I keep waiting to get sick. I feel like I've had the "day before the flu" feeling for two or more weeks, but nothing ever gets worse. I'm just waiting for something to fall.
it's dark in here by myself
friend?
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alexithymia
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2015 27 September :: 1.28pm
:: Mood: indescribable
No there ain't nothing that I gotta prove
You think your words will make me black and blue
But I, I think im pretty with these old boots on
I think its funny when I drink too much, hey
You try and change me you can go to hell
Cause I don't want to be nobody else
I like the chip I got in my front teeth
And I got bad tattoos you won't believe
So kick out the jams, kick up the soul
Pour another glass of that rock and roll
Turn up the band, fire in the hole
Gonna lose control tonight
What do you want from me, I'm not america's sweetheart
So beat the drum with me, I'm not america's sweetheart
Well they say I'm too loud for this town
So I lit a match and burned it down
What do you want from me, I'm not americas sweet heart
But you love me anyway
My hands are dirty and my heart is cold the boys
I've been with say I got no soul, when I,
I meet another honey at the bar,
I'll think its funny when I break his heart, mmm now,
My kind of medicine is whiskey straight,
I got a mouth to put you in your place, and they,
They said I'll never be the poster type,
But they don't make posters of my kind of life
So kick out the jams, kick up the soul
Pour another glass of that rock and roll
Turn up the band, fire in the hole
Gonna lose control tonight
What do you want from me, I'm not americas sweetheart
So beat the drum with me, I'm not americas sweetheart
Well they say I'm too loud for this town
So I lit a match and burned it down
What do you want from me, I'm not americas sweetheart, but you love me anyway
You love me anyway
Kick out the jams, kick up the soul
Pour another glass of that rock and roll
Turn up the band, fire in the hole, holler if you ready,
Gonna lose control
Kick out the jams, kick up the soul
Pour another glass of that rock and roll
Turn up the band, fire in the hole,
Gonna lose control tonight
What do you want from me, I'm not americas sweetheart
So beat the drum with me, I'm not americas sweetheart
Well they say I'm too loud for this town
So I lit a match and burned it down
What do you want from me, I'm not americas sweetheart, but you love me anyway
You love me anyway
I'm not americas sweetheart
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godessalthena
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2015 22 September :: 5.34pm
was he even real?
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 21 September :: 8.41pm
"but you're special"
I am a unique snowflake
in the middle of a blizzard in Antarctica
but what happens after global warming
we will all melt away
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 15 September :: 11.55am
how can you keep trusting when all you ever do is get hurt
how can you keep believing when love is so obviously dead
how can you keep breathing knowing that love and trust don't exist
how does the world keep spinning when nothing matters?
grasping for any straw you can see, hoping you'll find the one that doesn't break off
and ultimately realizing that straws will always break, and there's nothing to save you
falling into the dark abyss but knowing the only difference is the blindfold of innocence has been removed
it's too dark to see the others who are falling too so you lean back and wait for the bottom to raise to great you
if the heartbreak of slipping doesn't kill you, the impact at the end will finish the job
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 14 September :: 11.45am
completing projects feels really good.
finally finished the baby blanket I've been working non. it looks so good, the biggest project I've done!
tie dyed the sheets I've been sitting on. was waiting for company but just decided "fuck it" and did it. they turned out really fantastic.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 10 September :: 6.14am
this week has been really rough.
treasured friend has malignant brain tumor
Dali died
horrible slander about me thru the grapevine
a dead bird at work
it was nice sleeping all last weekend, forgetting about how fucked up things are, how shitty and petty people are, how shitty I've been.
I am swallowed up by the current. my head is a meter under water.
if I could just be held, and told it was alright, maybe I could breathe for just one moment.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 9 September :: 9.13pm
happiness is fakin' it til you make it.
maybe you'll never make it, but at least people will remember you as happy when you're rotting in the cold wet earth.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 8 September :: 12.09pm
you can't kill what's already dead, so leave my soul alone.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 7 September :: 1.35pm
most days I wake up and I wonder... what the fuck am I still doing here?
and I still don't know.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 4 September :: 6.44am
I just don't want to feel invisible anymore.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2015 3 September :: 7.41am
Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying
And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in it's absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter
Or son and a real good friend
You'll be awake and you'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them...
friend?
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