The Destroyer

:: 2015 28 March :: 12.49pm

Love is not something I was made for.

:: 2015 26 March :: 8.16pm

the smell of spring gently creeping through my sliding door. always reminds me of being in love.

I'm worried I'm too jaded to ever feel love like my memories again.

it's difficult to trust people.

1 friend | friend?

:: 2015 26 March :: 8.20am

words cannot do justice in expressing my loathsome feelings about doctors offices.

:: 2015 25 March :: 5.33am

I've had either food poison or a stomach flu since Sunday. I missed monday, half of tuesday, and will be missing today from work.. I ruined my sheets this morning.

I don't feel as sick as my body is telling me.. and now all my sheets and towels are dirty. my house smells like shit. my dogs are disgusting.

I just wanna be better :(

1 friend | friend?

:: 2015 24 March :: 2.38pm

There's always a price to pay for everything.
Consequences for every choice, every action.
Even if neither choice is palatable.
You just need to ask yourself which consequences can you survive.

:: 2015 23 March :: 11.09pm

Tears aren't weak; sometimes they're the only things that can heal.

:: 2015 21 March :: 1.33pm

I feel so stupid when I wonder if I should have shaved my legs.

:: 2015 20 March :: 10.46pm

my shirt got here!! and some awesome stickers! one went on my computer!! the other night find its home on bitchelle haha her first sticker.

I'll post pictures soon!!

1 friend | friend?

:: 2015 17 March :: 5.27am

what happened to me being a morning person?? there once was a time 5 was sleeping in, now I can barely get my eyes open.

I applied for a job that's lower than the one now.. I doubt it'll have late shifts though...

:: 2015 15 March :: 3.47pm

I feel mush better about sitting at home alone when my dogs are around.

:: 2015 14 March :: 10.13am

going to the parade with Danica :) and will see Zoe there!

I'm pretty excited :) I always want to go to parades but not by myself haha

:: 2015 14 March :: 12.50am

If life could give me one thing before I die;
it's the wisdom to accept when it's time,
but in the meantime, the courage
to scream that I won't go peacefully.

:: 2015 11 March :: 8.26pm

I'm really digging this volunteer stuff. she is so frickin awesome and I just adore her. she's so sweet and silly! I need to make her something asap!! she is ugh so cute!

and I feel so good, because I think I'm really gonna make a difference in this kids life, and it makes me feel validated as a human. I always wanted to have a big sister when I was growing up. I think my life would have turned out so differently, and now I have a chance to do it for someone else. paying it forward and showing all those judgmental d bags that just because I'm different I can't be a good role model!

maybe just doing this, and helping kids like her, maybe foster kids, idk, can fill that hole I feel for a child, without committing to it. who knows maybe I'll foster a kid that belongs to me, like kindred spirits, and that is what I should just aim for. either way I feel good about myself. win win.

I've been so happy lately. like I'm not super happy all the time but just in general I feel happy much more frequently. I laugh all the time, I smile when I'm alone. I sing to myself. I just smile like an asshole on sunny days with all my windows down and I just feel like the world is beautiful again. I feel hope for the future for the first time in forever.

I also have been trying to stop telling people what to do.. unless they ask for it. it is so hard not to own my friends problems, and I feel kinda like an asshole sometimes, but I feel a lot less guilty now, and I rarely overthink things. I just feel so at peace with myself.

it's been a good month. I can solidly say it was good. excellent maybe even. and I don't think anything (except the obvious) can bring me down.

I love my home, I love my dogs, I love my family, I love my friends and I just love being responsible for myself and building my future. I have the best possible outcomes right now for myself And I'm making the most of it!

or at least not sweating it. it's all good. I'm proud of where I am and where I've been.

I am woman. hear me roar.

:: 2015 9 March :: 10.16pm

You make it hard to breathe
It's as if I'm suffocating
And when you're next to me
I can feel your heartbeat through my skin
It makes me sad to think
This all could be for nothing
I wish there was a way
For you to see inside of me
I've never felt this way
About anyone or anything
Tell me
What do I have to do to make you happy?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you want me?
And, if I can't make you want me
What do I have to do?

I know exactly what you're thinking
But I swear this time I will not let you down
I'm not as selfish as I used to be
That was a part of me that never made me proud
Right now I think I would try anything
Anything at all to keep you satisfied
God I hope you see what loving you would do to me
All I want is one more chance, so tell me...
What do I have to do to make you love me?