The Destroyer

:: 2015 5 February :: 11.01am

surrounded and spiraling

:: 2015 31 January :: 2.46pm
:: Mood: happy

in love with my new laptop. definitely worth the money I paid. Only downside is that the CD to install MS Works was shipped separately and not as fast so I can't do my stupid assignment. go figure.

but otherwise, it is so fast, and awesome. (i hate windows 8)

Having my family over for dinner tonight! very nervous. very.

:: 2015 24 January :: 5.09pm
:: Mood: satisfied

I dig my toes into the sand. the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket. I lean against the wind and pretend I am weightless, and in this moment I am happy.

alexithymia

:: 2015 23 January :: 12.04am

Have the intense desire to increase my oddities collection. Time for more macabre and antique items.

:: 2015 22 January :: 10.19am

stayed home today.. didn't want to go to work and deal with these emotions. processed Samie in therapy.

it's hard to let go, take a step back, when you see them every day. that relationship has been causing me frustration and hurt and sadness.

I've poured almost three years of my life into her, and most of the time she couldn't care less about me. it's just take, take, take. me me me.

I can't remember if it was always like this, but i get mad at myself for thinking the pretty things she said were true.

and now she's turned into someone I hardly recognize.

and I still see her almost every day.

:: 2015 16 January :: 10.07am

just got laid, Friday night. party's hopping, feeling right.

:: 2015 9 January :: 5.13am

the key to happiness involves two things:

1. invest in yourself. love yourself like you'd love your one true love. if you wouldn't do it to them, don't do it to yourself.

2. invest time in those who invest time into you. there are a lot of people vying for your attention, and not all of them will give you the respect you deserve. be a little choosy with your love, because the people you choose to love act like a mirror for how you love yourself.

I've learned so much since I started therapy. and not only learned, but held accountable for implementing and following through on these changes.

I also have become more and more convinced that karma is real. you get out of life what you put in, so I've been trying to avoid doing thing I wouldn't want to happen to me. and fighting for truth, love and justice.

like j says, there are going to be good days and there are going to be terrible days. it's impodtnat to remember that pain is temporary, and letting things go feels so much better than holding on when it comes to things like hatred, pain, jealousy, worthlessness, hopelessness, or revenge.

growing up hasn't really been fun, but with the tools I've aquired, and the skills I'm strengthening, I know my future will be much more fun than it was to get to this point.

p.s. I've lost 10lbs since November :D

:: 2015 6 January :: 9.26pm

a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day turned into......

the best mental health day taken in a long time <3

much needed pb&j time completely recovered me. and helped me realize that it's okay to have bad days, as long as you give them the opportunity to get better.

I am eternally grateful to have an amazing support system. and I'm so glad Alexz and I were able to become so close! I would never have imagined!

:)

:: 2015 6 January :: 11.44am

life is too long to be good.

:: 2015 6 January :: 7.47am
:: Mood: cynical

sometimes, I just need to hear I'm not worthless.

and yet no one seems to be able to say it when I really need it.

I just want to feel like I'm not an insignificant speck of shit on a cold planet hurtling through a vast empty cosmos.

but that's all I am. and that's all I'll ever be, and it hurts.

there is no such thing as love, or happiness, or futures, or magic, or faeries. there's just a supermassive black hole slowly eating anything and everything that it touches. I can see it as it pulls me in, and I am completely powerless to stop it.

"And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

:: 2015 5 January :: 6.10am

another Monday. finals week starts tomorrow. but at least the stupid holiday season is over!!

it's my moms birthday today. I made her a hat. she hates her birthday, but hopefully this year is bearable!

:: 2015 1 January :: 9.31am

this year, over all, sucked. but there were a few good parts. a lot of healing and growing.

hopefully this year will be better. and doesn't fly by.

:: 2014 28 December :: 8.27pm

so many things about now. I don't even know where to start..

what exactly is "living" at 26?

:: 2014 20 December :: 1.53pm

can I just go crawl in a hole and die? maybe in a whole where other disgusting filthy stupid losers have died before? that'd be great...

2 friends | friend?

:: 2014 20 December :: 7.43am

South Park, on my second bowl, made Alfredo. not even 8 yet.

:: 2014 19 December :: 6.13pm

this week fucking sucked. outside of the awesome gift I got! I'm just really fucking bummed out and sad and feeling like a disgusting failure. a total joke.

what the fuck am I doing.

why?

just fucking why.