The Destroyer

:: 2014 8 February :: 7.35am

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

:: 2014 6 February :: 11.17am

Talking to Shaunte has been a real trip. She remembers the young naive artist of 6 years ago, not the bitter and cynical business woman I have grown into.

She can't believe that I've stopped painting, nor can she believe that I'm bisexual, or single, or on anti depressants. She just has this pure vision of me, and now that I've let the world melt my views into something less than what it was (in her opinion) she has a hard time accepting the change.

It's kinda nice, having someone with so clear of a memory telling me about times long forgotten. I hardly remember half of what she says, but she's had to recover and had my memories fresh in her mind. I've been so distracted by all the things that have been happening I honestly don't remember most of what she talks about.

She want to come visit me. Or for me to visit her. I think I'd rather her come over here, since I'm so completely unfamiliar to Ellensburg.

On a side note: my tummy hurts SO FUCKING BAD and has for the last few weeks :(

3 friends | friend?

:: 2014 5 February :: 7.51am

Enjoyed my birthday. Had so much fun just being a bum at Amelias.

:: 2014 3 February :: 5.29pm

I'm sure I will get accused of being a racist for this but I'm listening to various tv shows auditions and there is something so distinctive and beautiful about a black mans voice. I just.... chills man. And if you've never heard someone sing and had it given you chills because there just so much soul in their voice then I pity you.

:: 2014 3 February :: 10.14am

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my average and unremarkable existence.

Because out of 7 billion people, I'm the same as at least 75% of them.

A single drop in the ocean.

A pointless ocean.

3 friends | friend?

:: 2014 2 February :: 11.51am

I've had a rough last few months being separated from my girl but in the wee hours of the morning I actually sat and thought about her and everything and I realized that I'm still as in love with her as I was 3 years ago. The distance has not changed that and I don't think it ever will, I think the only reason I questions it is that I'm lonely without her here with me. Its as if theres a huge space that no one can fill and I know it's because she's my best friend, my ever after and she's not next to me. Starting today I want to be the girlfriend she deserves, making sure she knows that I love her and just how special she is.

:: 2014 1 February :: 2.11pm

I just want to get wasted :( is that too much to ask?

:: 2014 31 January :: 1.19pm

I'm so glad this shitty fucking week is almost done.

I have been in the worst fucking mood this week.

Ironically, this has also been the most sober week I've had in a very long time.

So here's to getting shitty tonight in hopes of erasing all the shitty from my memory.

:: 2014 30 January :: 1.55pm

Sometimes, I really miss doing drugs.

:: 2014 30 January :: 9.16am

Andy emailed me.

I'm surprised and at the same time not surprised.

It's surprising because I won so hardcore that I was hoping he would actually be done with me. He was so horrified and disgusted by what I did to him. I like to think I cut him deep. I think he probably did more damage to me in the long run, throughout the duration of our friends with benefits relationship, but that last blow was like a TKO punch.

I'm not surprised, because he's a little bitch. This is the second time he's come crawling back to me. The SECOND time. The first time, ok I get it, whatever. He apologized and I gave him the benefit of doubt, gave him another chance.. And wham, he does the same shit to me, only worse. He's a pompous entitled asshole. A rich bitch. He doesn't value other people, only things and status. And right now he must be hard up for sex.

Well, buddy, tough shit. This bridge has been burned from both sides and there is no chance of rebuilding. Good luck being alone forever, fuck face.

:: 2014 29 January :: 11.29am

Made it 2 weeks without my pills. Broke down and bought them today.

I'm destined to be a pill popper for the rest of my life.

I fucking hate this.

:: 2014 28 January :: 8.36pm
:: Music: Jimmy eat world

Are you listening?
I was feeling free
With a little sweet and simple numbing me
What a dizzy dance
The sweetness will not be concerned with me.

Slipping into sweet uncertainty..

:: 2014 26 January :: 9.20am

Today is one of those days were I wish I didn't exist.

:: 2014 24 January :: 12.38pm

Life is too confusing.