~*~Dreams~*~

I had a crazy dream last night. The world was coming to an end at the end of the day. Everyone knew, but why...we didn't know. We didn't know how either. We just knew sometime that day, it'll all be over. So in my dream there were a bunch of people like everyone I knew, people I've loved, people I've hated, people I hardly knew all in the old huge house. Some people were hysterical, some people were calm, some were scared out of their minds, some were as peaceful as I have ever seen someone. In my dream, I was calm praying until up to when it got dark. I found Jess and told her how much I loved her, and this wasn't the end, and then she went off with her mom and dad. Then I had to find my mom, and I started balling my eyes out and I finally found her in the kitched on the floor in the dark with tons of people and I just cryed in her arms. Then I woke up.

People say they aren't afraid of death, because of their faith, and where they will be after death. Yes, I have faith. Yet death still frieghtens me. Not because of any religious reasons. Because of life. How do you know you've lived it correctly, and you'll be re-united with ALL the people you truely love and cherish?

Ahh....lol crazy stuff.

Each one is different...but everyone is the same....
I've deal with my ghosts, and I've faced all my demonds. I'm finally content with the past I regreat. I've finally found strength in your moments of weakness. For once I'm at peace with myself. I've been burdened with blame..trapped in the past for too long. Now I'm moving on. I've lived in this place, and I know all the faces. Each one is different, but their always the same. They mean me no harm, but it's time that I face it.They'll never allow me to change. But I've never dreamed that home is where I don't belong. So now I'm movin on. At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me. And I know there's no gaurentee's, but I'm not alone. There comes a time in everyone's life when all you can see is the moments passing by, and I have made up my mind that those moments are gone. Because I'm movin on. I've loved like I should, and lived like I shouldn't. I had to lose everything to find out. Maybe forgivness will find you somewhere down the road, I have. Because I've moved on.

Good song.

You asked me what my biggest fear was, and I coudln't tell you. Mostly because I didn't know. I had always thought that my biggest fear was snakes or spiders. Now I can really tell you, that my biggest fear is looking back on my life and not seeing how happy I am, for having such an amazing, meaningful, long loving life, but seeing that I let my life pass me by. I may only be in high school, but this is where it starts right? I don't want to look back and realize that
I missed out loving someone, even if it meant getting hurt, rather than knowing what love is. I don't want to look back
and realized I lost an amazing friend, because I just didn't think it seemed that important. I don't want to look back and realize I could have been better to my kids. I don't want to look back and realize that I didn't love and give enough compasion to my husbad as I should have. I don't want to look back and realize I put my dreams on hold for someone because my dreams are just as important as I think they are. I don't want to look back and realize I didn't push myslef as much as I could of. I don't want to look back and realize I have more regreats than I do things to be thankful for. I want to be me, always. That's my biggest fear.Thank you for helping me find it.

I'm happy that you understand what I mean now, and I understand you. You're too good to just be mis understood.

I went to the doctor today because I could barely walk last night because of my tendinitious. How it's spelled I don't know. My muscles cramp all up, in my ankles and feet and it hurts to walk , and there's not much you can do. Just take hot bath's or ice your feet. Neither of which really seem to be helping.

I'm sorry that I let you get under my skin and treated you ways that I did. I'm sorry that I was just as stupid as the same reason I was mad at you, for being that stupid. I don't care any more. This is an apology, and you can either take it or leave it.

It'll be okay, I promise.

~I find it when I see you smile, and I find it when you kiss my forhead, and I find it holding your hand, I find it thinking about you, and I find it searching in your eyes, and mostly I find it just
I was reading my journal in my room today, and all the entries from this past year and I cannot believe we care about the dumbest things…I over re-act and care way too much about things I shouldn’t. I am only 15 years old, and I really need to start understanding half of my problems are typical every day teenage problems and 3 years down the road, none of it will matter. At all. Live it to the fullest.

These are the most beautiful, meaningful lyrics I have ever heard…read them.

“He said I was in my earlie 40’s, with a lot of life before me. When a moment came before me that stopped me on the dime. I spent most of the next day looking at the x-rays talking about the options, and talking about sweet times. I asked him when it’d sink in that this really might be the real end. How’s it hit ya, when you get news like that? What did you do? I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbin, I went two point seven seconds on a bullride too, and I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave giveness I’ve been denying. Then he said, I hope some day you get the chance to live life like you were dying.

He said I was finally the husband that most of the time I wasn’t. Then I became a friend that a friend would like to have. And all of a sudden going fishing wasn’t such an imposition. And I went three times that year when I lost my dad. I finally read the good book and I took a good hard long look at what I would do if I could do it all again. Then I went sky divin, I went rocky mountain climbin, and I went 2.7 seconds on a bull too, and I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I’ve been denying. Then he said I hope one day you get the chance to live life like you were dying.

Like tomorrow was a gift, and we’ve got eternity to figure out what to do with it. What would you do with it? What did I do with it? What should I do with it? Sky Diving, I went rocky mountain climbing, I went 2.7 seconds on a bull too, I watched an eagle that was flying…and I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, I gave forgiveness I’ve been denying. Then he said I hope you get the chance to live life like you were dying. “

Doesn’t it kind of make you feel like an ass? Caring so much about the dumbest things. Getting mad at your mom for stupid things, fighting over just unloading the dish washer, getting mad at a friend over something stupid, hating someone because of the past, quiting a job to make a point, that wasn’t really a point at all, not doing homework just because you were too lazy, doing something you know you’ll regreat…not making the best out of the situation…..not making every moment worth remembering?

Just something to think about.

~*~I hope some day you get the chance to live life like you were dying~*~
Last night I stayed at Craig's for his graduation party, and I had a lot of fun. I totally got everything off my mind. And I had fun, and I don't give a shit who cared.

It makes me really ..frustrated and sometimes mad when you act like this. When you're upset about things, and are a jerk to me. It really upsets me, just so you know.

Katie Jo came over today. Nice to see her, but for some reason ..and I don't know why..I feel really ..uncomfortable around her. Hmm...oh well.

I'm still confused as to where things are right now, but I'm not going to worry. I did the first time, now it's in your hands. Wherever it goes, is where we end up.

You know what I cannot stand? People who are such friecken drama queens. It really bugs the shit out of me. Espically when your friends with someone, and you try to help them with their problems, when you didn't even want to hear about them to begin with, but you do your best, and they still are ungreatful with only understand of how they feel or the position that only they were in. At least have the common curdisey to look from the other person point of view before going over board and saying hurtful things. Yeah, nothing pisses me off more. Oh well, it's just not worth it then.

Gawd, Tim McGraw *giggles* his voice is so friecken sexy! If anyone's heard his new song, "Live like you were dyin" you know what I'm talking about ;)

What a kiss.

The only way to have a friend, is to be one. Think about it why dont cha.

<3 Jess