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2004 27 October :: 9.03 pm
So everything was just buggin me down today like for no reason I was just sad. And almost cried in yearbook about a thousand times. Then after school me and Jess sold our ads and went and ate together and had a blast, then we went and saw the Grudge and I met this guy named Brandon. :) *smiles. He's got the cutest smile. He goes to Rockford, and he's a senior. Oh and did I mention that he gave me his number so I'm going to call him tomorrow :) Yeah so during almost the scariest part of the movie Brandon sneaks up behind me seat and touches me and honestly scared the shit outta me. Lol he's so friecken hot YAY!!! I'm so excited, my bad day turned into suc a great day , tomorrow parents are gonna be gone, party! Ah I'm in such a better mood.
Jesssssssssssssssssssssssss
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 27 October :: 1.51 pm
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~~~
I am about two seconds away. You don't even understand!
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 27 October :: 10.58 am
I feel like I have no options to my own life. Like every situation I've dealt with, that I'm trying to cope with, it just doesn't seem like anything gets better. And doesn't it go, "If you hit rock bottom, you can get any lower , It's only up from here" Like there isn't any choice to any thing. I have no answers, for myself. And it's so stupid, I know it is, but there isn't anything I can do to change anything. I want to, but I just can't make myself do shit. I tell myself, just do it, you have to, and it just doesn't matter. I just don't care! I never know what I should do, what the right answer is, or what I should be doing. Then other times I know *exactlly* what I should be doing, I just can't make myself do it. Which is really pathetic. I feel stupid for it too, that I can't make my own decsions, but I just mess everything up. So I guess I'd rather stall, then actually do anything about it.
dfalkdjfughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! And me being disapointed is nobody else's fault but my own. I want things I can't have, and I do things I know are going to get me in way over my head, and there isn't anyone who can help pull me outta them because I just dont care if people do or dont do it. None of this makes sense, I know!!!! Which makes it even dumber that I can't even describe to myself how I feel. I'll run before I deal with it. Even though I know things will never turn around if I just hide and run from things instead of just getting over it. I know I just need to find a way to handle things without getting so emotionally caught up in it. The easiest things tear me to pieces, because I can't do it. Somethings that is nothing is big to me, and something that IS something, means absoluetly jack shit to me. AndI can't help but to just tell people to bud out, even though I DO need them to psuh me, to tell me the things I may not WANT to hear, but NEED to hear. I need the forced hugs, and the forced conversations about things that I'm not all that comfortable talking about. I need that more than I need this.
I don't want to care what others think of me, but I do. I care about what the people I care about think of myself. I wish I could let it all roll off my shoulders, and accept the fact that not everyone is going to understand what I mean soemtimes, and where I'm coming from, but I want to be clear, and I want to be understood by someone, and myself. Does ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE?!?!
I really can be the biggest bitch. I know I can be. And sometimes that is really me, but other times, I honestly just dont want you in perticular to see really that there isn't anything to see at all.
This isn't the first time that this has happened between you and I. It's the second. And you'd think that after the first time I would be okay with it, but I'm not. I do care, and for as long as I feel this way, I'm going to try my hardest to speak up and say so becuase you're right you do deserve to know how I feel, and that you do deserve to understand what I'm talking about when we fight. You're leaving, and I just don't feel that way. I never have felt MORE than that. I thought we were both okay with just being what it was. Which is more than a little and less than a lot. I don't care who likes you and who doesn't, that doesn't matter to me, I chose my friends b/c their personality chooses me. If you're a cinical asshole, then chances are, I won't like ya, but I DECIDE who I'm close with and who I'm not. Nobody else. Just me. So screw everybody else. That shouldn't matter and it makes me so mad that you think it does. Becaus eI'm the not that vain and I'm not stuck on all that crap.
I'm forcing the hugs today.
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 26 October :: 6.47 pm
It's hard to lead the life you choice, when all your lucks run out on you. I can see when none of my dreams are coming true. It's easy to forget. I know I'll choke on the regreats. Who the hell do I think I am? I tried to make believe that I was the one who would neal before the dreams that I wanted, when all the talk, and all the empty lies disguse me, I'll ask myself who I am.
EITHER YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OR YOU DONT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!
Ugh thanx a lot you stupid stupid asshole. In some sense I totally feel used. Probably because I was. But you seemed so much different. We hang out, have a great time, you actually opened upt ome and we talked about stuff that meant something, espically to you. Then we hang out again,a nd have a great time. Then again and obviously I have feelings for you and you expressed that you did too. Then Homecoming and I have a GREAT, great , greatttttttt time!!!! I was so happy that you asked me, and that I felt so comfortable with you. And honestly out of everything just holding your hand in the back of that seat, sleeping on top of you and lying there listening to your heart beat with your head resting on my mind...I have never felt so comfortable with anyone as much as I did then. Everything felt perfect, it felt so....right! I felt so safe in your arms, wanted, happy. I thought for sure after that night, after I had an amazing night that we were for sure going somewhere. Then I only talked to you the day after, then...not again. I don't know..maybe it's just me.. but when you like someone you wouldn't just NOT care if you weren't talking. You just wouldn't. You'd go nuts, sorta like me, ...right now actually. So how many times have I said that wondering about WHAT the hell is going on, and how you're feeling is SO much than jut knowing, wether it be what you want OR not. It's soooooooo much worse. Because you want to just forget and let it slip, but you just can't shake it. And every time I see you, everytime I look at our pictures, everytime I pass you in the hallway and you just give me a big smile or say hi, why is that it, why isn't it more? I can't help but wonder....what was it that made you decide that i wasn't worth it?? Was I not pretty enough, was I not as much fun that night as you wanted or were expecting, was I not outgoing enough...., was I not funny enough, was I too out going, was I too much for too soon? WHAT I just dont know, and I dont want to care. Believe me I don't want to be sitting here wondering why you ddin't call, or what it was that I did that was so un-appealing to make you not even persue a friendship above all things. You let me down, and most of all you hurt my feelings. More than I'm sure you even know, or would even care to know about. Chances are...you don't care at all. A Date's a date, and when you need one, good if you find one, and too bad if you don't right? Don't you get it?!?! Don't you get why I'm so upset, why this drives me up the wall, why I feel so torn?!?! It's because I feel for you, a lot more than I have a lot of people. You are everything I want. You are , or seem to be the sweetest guy. You KNOW what you want, you're driven,a nd you go after what you want no matter who doesn't want that for you, you actually have a future , a HONORABLE future planned out for yourself. You respect people, and genuinally care for them also. You're intelligent, you make me laugh, and you have a good heart. That's what I need , it's everything that I want. You're not responsful. You dont respond in the right manor though, because I were you I'd at least inform me. I JUST DONT GET IT! I DONT!!! I don't understand. And you haven't exactlly given me the oppurtunity too either. I didn't want to get hurt, and even in the short amount of time ...I have.
I really just wanted, and still want things to work out. But I don't see high chances of that happening...........
adfkjalksdjfef
2 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 25 October :: 9.01 pm
Why is that I constantly feel like I'll never be good enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not fun enough, why?????
2 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 25 October :: 3.58 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Keith Urban-My Everything
I had such a good day today. Just nothing really upset me. I was just in a good perky mood! Everything and Everyone cheered me up today, Espically Aaron and Kelli in 4th hour.Kelli is the sweetest girl in the world! I love her to pieces! And Aaron is such a doll I love him to death too. I have like this wierd attachment to him to him, he's the coolest sophmore, besides Kelli.;)
So my grades in Anatomy , and Yearbook are really slippin. Anatomy I just hate it and never study because I can read and read and read and still not understand two sentences of what I just read. Then Yearbook I still haven't finished me photo project and I still have to sell like 6 ads. Grr I wanna get outta Anatomy sooo friecken bad,
I love my friends, sorry that I've been bitchy to you guys a lot lately, it's just me, an di loce you! Espically the bomb ass pussy!!!
JESSSSSSSSS *MUAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 24 October :: 6.00 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Edwin McCain-I'll be
I want so many things , above all things..I just want love because it seems to make everything so much better. It always has.
It gives me comfort that I've never know, and helps to push me to be the person I want to be, it helps everything I need to put my life back into perspective. I want love, I want happiness.
-I want to wake up and have a family that isn't perfect, but a family that is a REAL family that doesn't cause so much emotional
crap and pain and hurt.
-I want to find a guy who isn't perfect because no guy is perfect, but a guy that is perfect for me. I want to stop hoping it'll work out like with Mitch, and Dan, and just wind up torn all over again. I want it to just workout, someone who is everything I need, who is everything I want.
-I want to not care so much about how much I can't stand myself for dumb reasons. I don't want to hate myself, I want to be happy, more than happy, very pleased with myself.
-I want to care more about my school work because even though I KNOW if I don't do good I'll just screw myself over for the future,
for college, for life, I just don't care...ughh alkdjlfkajdlf
-I want a job so I can pay for my own things, because I hate relying on other people for things like that. I want to beable to buy a phone that isn't a piece of crap, that I actually can talk on b/c mine drops the signal after two seconds. I want to pay for a car, and insurance, and for myself.
-Above all things I just want to be happy. Happy with EVERYTHING. I want to be happy with myself and life, and the life I have and that I'm living.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 24 October :: 1.00 pm
Friday I hung out with Jess, cried together in bed, literally lol. We're pathetic but I don't care cos I love her and at least I have someone to be pathetic with.
So last night was fun. Cass came over and Kate, Cass, and I went to see The Grudge which was the scariest movie I've ever seen. I flipped out. I want to see it again :). So we came home then went over to say goodbye to Jeff, and I got too see Justin Campbell! I love him so much!!! Freshman year during track I loved that kid, he's like the funnest boy in the world! Anyway so then we went to party w/ Katie Jo and Travis for a little bit then came home, and Me and Cass watched movies and vented which was good stuff.
So I've decided espically b/c of Jon that I just don't need to worry about mitch because it's clearly going no where. Oh well just something else I fucked up. What can ya do.
It's the fagthers b-day today. And we have to go to a stupid Aniversary Party, and I don't know anyone there, but hmm...Kate's cousin..........WAM WAM WAM KATE ;) I love you
~Jess
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 23 October :: 12.12 am
Ilove you so mch Jess if it wasnt for you tonight I dont know what I might of done.....ate a cake? lol
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 22 October :: 1.20 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Keith Urban-I want to be your Everything
I feel you now, and we're both crashing down today.
The clouds push away by wind and butterflys colide.
The first time I looked in your eyes I knew, That I would do anything for you. The First time you touched my face I felt what I have never felt with anyone else. I want to give back what you've given to me and I want to witness all of your dreams. Now that you've shown me who I really am I want to be more than just me. I want to be the wind that fills your sails, And your hand be the one to lift my veil, and be the moon that moves your tide, the sun coming up in your eyes. Be the wheel that never rust and be the spark that lights you up all that you've been dreaming of and more, I want to be your everything.
when you wake up, i'll be the first thing you see and when it gets dark you can reach out to me I charish your words and I finsh your thoughts and ill be your compass baby when you get lost.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 22 October :: 12.31 pm
ajflkajdfwefaidf I HATE THISSSSSSSSSSSS
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 21 October :: 8.13 pm
Me and Kate went and babysat after school which was fun, sorta lol I'm exhausted. YOU ARE BEING A BITCH! EVERY GOD DAMN TIME YOU WERE A BITCH I WAS NICE BUT NOW I JUST DONT CAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
I'm exhausted. This weekend should be fun. I hope I get to spend some time together with him and talk, b/c I know I need to talk and figure out what he thinks and whats going on. I'm going to bed, ~Jess
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 21 October :: 11.08 am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls-Sympathy
So everything and everyone is just really irrating me. Espically certain people. So maybe I am un-happy a lot of the time lately, or the past couple of days. I have reasons, and even if I didn't, who says I have too? If I want to be a bitch, I'll be a bitch. If I want to cry, FOR NO APPARENT REASON, I'll cry for no reason. If I want to be happy even when I shouldn't, I will. If I want to be miserable for a couple days, because it's the only way I know how to deal with things, well then by God I will be. So fuck you if you don't like it. Just because you would choose to deal with MY situation differently, so about your luck, but you're not me, and I'll deal with MY life, and MY issues the way I want too. I do cry over things I'm sure most people find silly and stupid, but oh well. That's me, and if you dont' like it then just dont' talk to me. Simple as that. I'm not going to change my mood, or change how, or WHO I am for that matter just because it doesn't please your happy mood at the time. I don't ask you to be in a good mood when I am, or a bad mood when I am. So don't ask the same thing from me, becuase you won't get it. I always have more on my mind than I can say. Don't be a complete jackass because I am self consious about a lot of things, and I do get down easily, and as much as it MAY bug you, OH WELL. I DONT CARE! I'll complain a little, maybe a lot, I'll cry some, I'll eat some, I'll be a bitch some, I'll be crazy some, I'll ignore things more, I'll do what I DO to get over things. So get off my fuicking back. OH AND FYI IF I WANT TO BITCH AND COMPLAIN ILL DO IT A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT HERE, OR ANYWHERE SO FUCK OFF! You can be such a bitch to people. Here's a tip, when a friends in a bad mood either
1.) Leave them alone OR
2.)Comfort them
The things on the "Not to do List" are definatly
1.) BE A BITCH
2.) BE A BIG BITCH
lkfjlskjfl;ksajfiouwelrkjklfj
*screams
I just want to sleep. I'm so tiered. I love you Jess, thanks for this morning. :)
~Jess
7 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 20 October :: 8.52 pm
Went to the Doctor's today. Got Blood taken to test for Mono, and I freaked out and was balling. Hated being w/ my mom. Got home slept, watched A Cinderalla Story. It's the cutest fucking movie, and it made me so mad b/c THAT SHIT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME! Lucky bitch, I hate her. Isn't that pathetic? Ugh he just better get around to asking me soon. kjadskljaslkd;fjalkdjflkajdf I got my pictures back from Homcoming, I hate all of them but one with Mitch at my house, one with Kate at our house, One with Mitch at the Bowling Alley, and one of me and KAtie Jo. kajkjadlkfj
I WANT TO CURL UP IN MY BED AND NEVER WAKE UP AGAIN
alkdjflkajlkajsdf *SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 19 October :: 8.37 pm
So life couldn't be any shitter. I haven't felt so run down ever. I want to just to be put out of my mysery and then I just want to fast foward through the next couple of months so I can just be okay, so everyone can be okay, and happy. akdfjaljflajd
3 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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