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m&ms487
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2007 28 June :: 10.59pm
:: Mood: contemplative
I was sitting in the middle of Zach's field watching him and Rueben build their earth bag structure and watching the sun, shrouded in clouds like holy cloths, sink slowly behind a grove of trees and down into the horizon...and the clouds that were in the sky above me were very tall and large and loomed bright and purple and pink, slowly drifting to the west...and I sat there in thought, the clink of shovels filling bags with earth as my background music, my medium of meditation, while I braided grass that I collected from around me...the conclusion came suddenly of the selfishness of it all. We live for each other. Humanity is too wrapped up in itself, and that's where all the problems come from. Too involved, too lost in self absorbtion to get even a glimpse of the real, big picture...and it was just me wedged between the earth and the sky, the clouds pressing down on me as the light diminished to shine in another place. What does it matter? It's all too big. We live as if it matters what we do. It might, for a moment...but not for long.
I spend my days in a large building with no windows. Eventually, the field that was raped to put that building there, will destroy it. The grass and trees, and the little insects we sell repelents to destroy will consume it. It will take years, but what does that matter? The earth has years.
And then, when it's gone, what will it matter that I spent my days locked inside that building, wrapped up in the price adjustments, and money transfers, and the selling of overpriced synthetic food items?
I should have spent them else where, doing something else. But alas, I'm wrapped up tightly in it, playing by all the rules, doing what is expected, what is supposedly right.
And even if it's right, or wrong, or indifferent, what will it matter?
And it's hard to live with these kinds of questions in my head. It's hard to wake up in the morning with no purpose, with up becomind down and down turning up. Confusion is the name of the game. I don't know if I have a purpose. I know it's not to do the bidding of some guy up in the sky.
But somehow, I have this, this seemingly eternal hope. Hope for what? I have no idea. But it keeps me going when it seems like there is no purpose, no reason for it all. I suppose it's just some animal instinct that's buried deep in my subconscious, the message in the DNA to keep going, to procreate...
But we've created such an elaborate game of it all. If the goal is to procreate, why don't we just do that? Why are there so many other factors involved? Byproducts of something of evolution. It seems that everything we've created is so unnatural...
Why can't we be like every other animal and fuck each other and then die?
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You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 27 June :: 11.32pm
my fiance is bugging me right now.
whoever invented playstation needs to like, die.
shut uppppppppppppppppppppppppp.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 27 June :: 10.09am
screw work i dont want to go
i need a new job.
ughghghghg
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You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 25 June :: 2.24pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Along for the Ride" Vannessa Carlton
I'm in a rut. A summer rut. I don't like summer. It's too...loose. There is little structure, routine. I find myself wasting time. I dislike wasting time. I don't have time to waste, yet, that's what I do, I waste it.
Right before I fall asleep at night, my mind races with a thousand things that I should do the next day. I can't remember them when I wake up in the morning, and I'm caught in an endless cycle of waking up, eating, watching t.v, usually going to work, coming home emotionally and physically exhausted, reading for a while in bed, and going to sleep.
This is the point where I think there is more. And there is, but I just don't have the [drive, motivation, energy] to do whatever it is.
I just felt a horrible, unexplainable loss when I woke up this morning.
I'm way too uptight. And I don't think I know how to relax.
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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tuwang
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2007 19 June :: 5.50am
http://factualmaterial.com/douchebag.htm
as a side note. I searched chris' journal for that. good times...
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You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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tuwang
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2007 19 June :: 5.34am
so the one night I say to myself... man kevin, probably a good idea to get some sleep... here I am.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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2007 17 June :: 3.53pm
roman and i are moving into a fricken SWEET apartment at the end of august.
i thought our place was nice but it doesn't even compare to this.
we finally will have a DISHWASHER yay!!! and it is a TWO BEDROOM. 890 sq feet and we will only be paying about 30 bucks than we do now. yay i'm so excited.
on top of all the extra space we will have, we also have access to an indoor and outdoor pool, tennis courts basket ball courts, hot tub, saunas, and fitness center that has everything you need, it is it's own fitness center that people who aren't residents even use and have to have memberships to so it is huge and nice. there is also a community center to just hang out in and it has like a pool table and it's just a cute place to hang out.
i am just so excited!!! the only thing i am upset about is that we still wont have our own washer and dryer. that SUCKS. but i am still very pleased with our choice. YAY!
i wish we could move in tomorrow because i dont want to have to wait.
it is still in the same area we live in now- wyoming . so thats cool too.
6 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 15 June :: 11.27pm
A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of the books have been lost.
A Presidential spokesperson said the President was devastated, as he had not quite finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.
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You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 15 June :: 10.59pm
Rueben and I rented a few documentaries today. One was called Maxed Out, and it was about how credit card debt, and debt in general, is ruining the country. Well, not the whole country, just the majority of the people who aren't millionaires.
Then we watched Jesus Camp. If you haven't watched this, you really need to. For the first time, I found myself, as an agnostic/atheistic liberal, as the enemy. It really makes you wonder about religion. It can be taken to so many extremes. This is about radical Christianity, in our own country. We are fighting radical Islam, killing in the name of freedom, when the Christian Evangelicals are on the same path, except they're predominately white, upper middle class, and are fighting in the name of a different God, one that most of Americans can claim some type of allegiance to.
They "love" the United States, but are attempting to dissolve the separation of Church and State, and take away anything that isn't set out in the Bible. Homosexuality? Wrong. Abortion? No way. Violence? well, they're training their children to be an "Army of God." I'll leave it at that.
To all of you out there that think you're better because you have "God in your Heart," I understand that you might not agree with hardly anything that the Evangelicals are preaching, but you have to at least agree that almost all religion, whether it be Islam, or Christianity, is almost like playing with fire. It can easily be taken to the extreme. Can you understand? Can you understand how dangerous it can be to believe in something so much that you're willing to kill for your cause? To secure a place in heaven? Don't even get me into if heaven really exists, or what heaven can be defined as, if there is such a thing. Can you understand the necessity of the Separation? Can you understand that anything to do with a great mass of people can be dangerous?
No, I don't believe that some God waved his hand and made up the earth and the trees and man (and woman for that matter). Neither do I believe that the world is held up on the shoulders of a really strong man (Greek and Roman) or that the world sprung up on the back of a turtle (Iroquois).
I believe that every person should go through the day trying not to hurt anyone else, and maybe even trying to make someone else's life a little better. I believe in respect, and I believe in the idea that everyone is equal, even if it doesn't happen that way. I truly believe that I am a good person if I follow these few simple guidelines, and I don't need someone telling me to live "for God". I'm living for me, because really, I don't believe that there is anything once I die. I could be proven wrong, but for the time being, I'd like to know that I'm using my life for something, because that's all there is. You are born, you live, you change a few things, for the better, hopefully, and then you die. That's it.
And no, I don't go around telling people that they should become agnostics or atheists like a lot of others go around trying to recruit others to their religion. You know why? Because what I've choosen is right for me. And no one can talk me out of it. No one can scare me out of it. If I have to die for my right not to believe, to die with the knowledge that I don't have a eternal life, or eternal hope, I'm okay with that. Just as long as I don't kill others because they don't believe the same things as me. Just as long as I don't hurt anyone else, because in my mind, that's what good human beings do. They help, not harm.
5 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 15 June :: 9.20pm
so i just had an interview with a huge jerk.
fuck him.
''it makes it hard for follow up questions.''
''i'm the weeder''
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 13 June :: 1.49pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Delila - Plan White T's
The summer is catching up on me. And I just realized it. I've been home for about a month and a half, and I'm still readjusting...in little ways, but readjusting nonetheless.
After a long, horrible night of work, I got home at eleven thirty last night to a letter sitting on my bed. It informed me that I had been awarded a $1000 scholarship from the GR community foundation. I'm relieved. I'm definitely in a safe spot with my financials for next year right now, and there is even a bit of a surplus.
Lately, it seems like I'm biding my time, just waiting to get to the real "life," the one where I'm suppose to do something meaningful, where I enjoy what I do. The life when I come home from a day on the job and I can say to myself, "I made a difference."
The only difference I've been making lately is on the stains on the tile floor behind the service desk.
I've been doing announcements lately, over the PA at Meijer. Just for stupid crap, like the credit card..."Attention Meijer guests, Would you like to save 10% off your entire order today...." and "Currently we have patio sets for 15-33% off thier original price in the garden center..."
A few people have told me that I should be a radio DJ. That got me thinking. I would like to do something with my voice. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be the voice of an animated character in a movie or on a tv show. I think it would be really fun to do something like that. If only...
Well, I have to go to work now, unfortunately. I get to work with Phil tonight, so that should be fun. I like working with people who are very laid back, because I'm really uptight, and I need that reassurance that everything isn't as bad as it seems.
All for now.
Michelle
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 11 June :: 11.21pm
we used to do this when we were in high school, like the early years of it i mean and you just have to assume. so i dont know. i'm really confused right now. but lets keep being all mysterious i guess because thats just how we do. ha.
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You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 9 June :: 2.53pm
I'm going to be a nurse.
Well, I hope I am anyway. Davenport finally created a nursing program at their grand rapids campus and I am so excited. I have been hoping for this ever since I got the scholarship. They have been planning on having one there but not for a long while. But I guess they sped things up because they are having one now.
There are only 30 spots and I just pray that I will get one.
yay.
2 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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